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dealing with loss/depression - 11/13/2010 12:01:14 AM

fyt2btyed

Posts: 46
Joined: 11/16/2007
Status: offline

I almost feel like this is a silly question, but here is my dilemma. My LTR recently came to an end, and not mutually so.

Unfortunately, I am filled with grief over this, and there are times when I am so upset I cannot stop crying and go to sleep. At times, I cry so hard I can barely breathe. I am on antidepressants, and have been taking them without fail. I am able to function okay during the day.

I just wondered if anyone had any suggestions. I mean, I am not going to get on the phone and wake up my best gf at 3 in the morning. I am not suicidal, my thoughts never go there, thankfully. I was wondering if there is some kind of hotline, or place for support, available 24/7.

Or perhaps you have something that you have known to help...I would really like to be able to calm myself down. Thanks

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some guys like to sweet talk. others they like to tease.
tie my hands behind my back, oooh i'm in ecstasy. Madonna

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Post #: 1

RE: dealing with loss/depression - 11/13/2010 12:06:50 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

Grief is individual to every person. DO NOT allow anyone to tell you to get over it. You will get PAST it when you're ready. I've found that involving myself in stuff OUTSIDE of myself helps.. maybe try volunteering somewhere?

I'm sorry for your loss.. *hugs*

ETA: love the S&G quote.. one of my favorite songs...

< Message edited by GreedyTop -- 11/13/2010 12:07:49 AM >

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Post #: 2

RE: dealing with loss/depression - 11/13/2010 12:14:24 AM

gungadin09

Posts: 3232
Joined: 3/19/2010
Status: offline

About a year ago i was really upset about various things. When i joined collarme, i started writing down my feelings in the journal option. i wrote about everything that was bothering me; a sort of free therapy. Believe it or not, this actually worked. Getting stuff off my chest allowed me to close the door on the situation and move on, instead of obsessing. Plus, if you need somebody to talk about your feelings with, there are plenty of people who will read them and then respond. If you need a 24 hour hotline, look no further than collarme.

Eventually, i deleted the journals, but they served their purpose. Anyway, good luck.

pam

< Message edited by gungadin09 -- 11/13/2010 12:15:20 AM >

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RE: dealing with loss/depression - 11/13/2010 12:14:53 AM

fyt2btyed

Posts: 46
Joined: 11/16/2007
Status: offline

Thanks, GT.

I appreciate that, very much. One other difficult piece of this is that he is already looking again. It sort of tells me that he was not nearly as invested as i thought.

I dunno, maybe I will create a depression hotline...seriously.

But, yeah, it is hard when you think you finally found the person you think you will be spending your life with, and then one day **poof** it is just over.

_____________________________

i am a part of all that i have met. Tennyson

some guys like to sweet talk. others they like to tease.
tie my hands behind my back, oooh i'm in ecstasy. Madonna

i said be careful, his bowtie is really a camera. S&G

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 4

RE: dealing with loss/depression - 11/13/2010 12:16:22 AM

fyt2btyed

Posts: 46
Joined: 11/16/2007
Status: offline

thanks, pam. that is also great advice. i really appreciate that.

(in reply to gungadin09)

Post #: 5

RE: dealing with loss/depression - 11/13/2010 12:25:47 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

you have cmail ,. fyt

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CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to fyt2btyed)

Post #: 6

RE: dealing with loss/depression - 11/13/2010 12:48:02 AM

DMFParadox

Posts: 1405
Joined: 9/11/2007
Status: offline

Two things.

1: keep a journal. A good way I had to keep myself motivated to journal was to have a 'conversation' with myself, Tortoise and Achilles style. Or Socrates and Plato style. Say why it's right that I'm feeling the way that I do. Assert myself. Then challenge myself. Leave the journal with a burning question, and not write in it again until the next day. Good way to keep coming back to it.

2. Get religion. I prefer zen meditation myself; and usually the people in the group understand grief very well, and have dealt with it themselves... and can help. This is true for many religions, so pick one that suits you and participate.

3. Help others. Get involved in assisting battered wives, or homeless, etc.

4. Take up a sport. I luuuuuuuurrrrrve the Hash Hound Harriers; and it may be just the thing to get you excited about waking up and leaving the house again. Nothin' like a bunch of crude fuckin' roughnecks to make you laugh. Other possibilities are a baseball or volleyball team... try to participate in something with a greater goal, a momentum to it.

Martial arts is a good lead, too. Try to get involved with a good group of martial types, one with a brotherhood/sisterhood dynamic going on. It makes a huge difference.

Hope this helps.(that was more than two, wasn't it. Hm.)

< Message edited by DMFParadox -- 11/13/2010 12:49:45 AM >

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Post #: 7

RE: dealing with loss/depression - 11/13/2010 12:57:25 AM

DMFParadox

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Joined: 9/11/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: fyt2btyed
I appreciate that, very much. One other difficult piece of this is that he is already looking again. It sort of tells me that he was not nearly as invested as i thought.

meh.

A friend of mine is currently going nuts... because of a relationship he broke up with a year ago. He found out she's just recently gotten herself a new boyfriend, and, well... sometimes it's not a pretty scene, around here.

When she first broke up with him - it was her decision to leave, not his - he threw himself into the dating scene. And everything else. He didn't hesitate.

A year later, he can't not think about this girl. It didn't help that he didn't have much luck finding a new girlfriend, but, meh.

Guys are like that. I wouldn't read into his actions too much.

It's possible that a year from now, he'll be fucking miserable over you. Although I would hope that, at that time, you would not take any kind of enjoyment from it.

_____________________________

bloody hell, get me some aspirin and a whiskey straight

"The role of gender in society is the most complicated thing I’ve ever spent a lot of time learning about, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning about quantum mechanics." - Randall Munroe

(in reply to fyt2btyed)

Post #: 8

RE: dealing with loss/depression - 11/13/2010 1:50:25 AM

HeidiAnn

Posts: 113
Joined: 12/16/2007
Status: offline

For me personally grieving takes it's own time.And it's a process of ups and downs. I personally have found sharing my grief with people who are close to me helpful. Also, staying active has helped a lot, though sometimes being too busy can make me suppress the grief (which I guess is partly the reason for the ups and downs).

heidi

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"The most difficult thing is trying not to forget who you really want to be." - Nong Toom

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Post #: 9

RE: dealing with loss/depression - 11/13/2010 2:29:34 AM

Hippiekinkster

Posts: 5512
Joined: 11/20/2007
From: Liechtenstein
Status: offline

Watch a lot of comedy films. Especially "Young Frankenstein".

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Post #: 10

RE: dealing with loss/depression - 11/13/2010 4:10:55 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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You seem to think that there's something unusual about your grief. Actually, there would be something wrong with you if you didn't have it.

As DMF implied, the fact that your ex is looking does not indicate that he's happy and past you. You will get past being concerned about his emotions some day, but you're not there yet.

And I agree with the others' suggestions, and I'll add horror movies and live comedy shows to the list.

_____________________________

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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Post #: 11

RE: dealing with loss/depression - 11/13/2010 8:28:50 AM

wandersalone

Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline

I googled and found a link for Maryland crisis hotline, a 24/7 phone service

for what it is worth I went through something similar recently.... it does get better, very slowly but it does improve

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(in reply to fyt2btyed)

Post #: 12

RE: dealing with loss/depression - 11/13/2010 9:05:49 AM

BurntKitty

Posts: 3340
Joined: 9/7/2010
From: Here To Eternity.
Status: offline

I joined CM, and became active in my local scene.
In my case it was coupled with the loss of my dad, and stress involved with putting dad's house up for sale.
My dr gave me Lexapro & cymbalta. They helped me deal with knowing he went through a kid 40 years his junior and has yet another woman he's seeing.

PM me if you need a shoulder. I'm usually awake at 3am. Still hate getting into that empty bed.

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Post #: 13

RE: dealing with loss/depression - 11/13/2010 9:24:20 AM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

I had a good friend who went through a huge clinical depression and, to make a long story short, it was determined that some of the anti-depression medication he was on was CAUSING him to have uncontrollable crying episodes. Once he switched medication, the crying stopped. Of course he was still depressed, but he at least had more control over his physical responses.

I know everyone is different, I'm just presenting something to consider based on experience.

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You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

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Post #: 14

RE: dealing with loss/depression - 11/13/2010 9:41:22 AM

RapierFugue

Posts: 4740
Joined: 3/16/2006
From: London, England
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

I had a good friend who went through a huge clinical depression and, to make a long story short, it was determined that some of the anti-depression medication he was on was CAUSING him to have uncontrollable crying episodes. Once he switched medication, the crying stopped. Of course he was still depressed, but he at least had more control over his physical responses.

I know everyone is different, I'm just presenting something to consider based on experience.

Suddenly ceasing or changing meds, especially SSRIs, in such a situation, is not what I'd suggest for her without in-depth consultation with a doctor. The results could be dramatic. I get what you're saying, but sudden stopping or changing of anti-depressants while in a period of depression can trigger a much deeper, and more prolonged, bout of depression. As she doesn't currently have suicidal tendencies, but is instead feeling a quite natural sense of grief, loss and unhappiness, I'd be inclined to leave the meds as they are for the moment.

To the OP: I realise this is going to sound insane, but (having been through a very painful break-up) the best way I found of dealing with it was to DO things. Plan a day or 2 in advance, get out and about, go to museums or gigs or events or whatever you fancy (even if you don't fancy doing it). In my case I started riding my bike a great deal more than was previously the case, when the weather allowed, going to museums and art galleries I'd never been to before, re-connecting with my twin loves of photography and cooking, and generally just getting myself out of the house and back to interacting with life in general.

Your friends (if they're true friends) should be there for you when you need them – don't be afraid to lean on them.

If by any chance you're having trouble sleeping my best advice would be to try exercise; again, sounds insane, but it worked for me. Go swimming, play tennis or other sports, or even just long walks in the park. Anything to tire yourself out physically. It really works.

I hope your situation improves soon. You WILL get over it, and things WILL improve. "All this will pass". But it its own time, and yours, when you're ready.

(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 15

RE: dealing with loss/depression - 11/13/2010 12:15:34 PM

tiggerspoohbear

Posts: 19141
Joined: 6/27/2010
Status: offline

Fyt, don't feel silly about your situation. I just went through the same thing 3 wks ago. I was fooled for 8 months by a man who made promises he had no intention of keeping. I already suffer from clinical depression, partly due to brain chemistry and also personal reasons. He knew this from the start and still played mind games.

Sometimes it can take quite a bit of time to get over. Other times, it's easier once you realized you were played with. It's different with every person, and your reaction is not an unusual one. I swear I should own stock in whoever manufactures puffs plus, I'd be rich I go through so many damn boxes. But I perservere, keep my heart open to possibilities.

I've learned another very hard lesson, one I won't soon forget and hope not to repeat. I know I've relied on 24/7 crisis lines in the area where I live for support at times. They've been a great help. I also have some very close friends I can rely on.

Just know that anti-depressants also take time to work into your system, sometimes 4-6 weeks. Take it from someone who knows. I've been on assorted ones now for at least the last 10-12 yrs. Never stop them suddenly, and talk to your doctor to make sure that you're on the correct dosage, and even the correct meds. This can make quite the difference also.

Please know you're in my thoughts and prayers, and if you want to write to me on the other side, I'm on here quite a bit. You're not alone, you've get friends, and people here who are willing to chat with you anytime.

Chantal

_____________________________

"RABBIT IS GOOD, RABBIT IS WISE".

"I'm a baaa-aaad pussycat".

(in reply to fyt2btyed)

Post #: 16

RE: dealing with loss/depression - 11/13/2010 9:26:28 PM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

That's why I said "consider", not do it immediately without consulting her doctor. I keep thinking that goes without saying, but I guess it doesn't. Sorry for any confusion I caused.

Once again, I'm presenting something to CONSIDER.

And, just to clarify, my friend didn't change his own medication, he was under a doctor's care.

quote:

ORIGINAL: RapierFugue

quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

I had a good friend who went through a huge clinical depression and, to make a long story short, it was determined that some of the anti-depression medication he was on was CAUSING him to have uncontrollable crying episodes. Once he switched medication, the crying stopped. Of course he was still depressed, but he at least had more control over his physical responses.

I know everyone is different, I'm just presenting something to consider based on experience.

Suddenly ceasing or changing meds, especially SSRIs, in such a situation, is not what I'd suggest for her without in-depth consultation with a doctor. The results could be dramatic. I get what you're saying, but sudden stopping or changing of anti-depressants while in a period of depression can trigger a much deeper, and more prolonged, bout of depression. As she doesn't currently have suicidal tendencies, but is instead feeling a quite natural sense of grief, loss and unhappiness, I'd be inclined to leave the meds as they are for the moment.

To the OP: I realise this is going to sound insane, but (having been through a very painful break-up) the best way I found of dealing with it was to DO things. Plan a day or 2 in advance, get out and about, go to museums or gigs or events or whatever you fancy (even if you don't fancy doing it). In my case I started riding my bike a great deal more than was previously the case, when the weather allowed, going to museums and art galleries I'd never been to before, re-connecting with my twin loves of photography and cooking, and generally just getting myself out of the house and back to interacting with life in general.

Your friends (if they're true friends) should be there for you when you need them – don't be afraid to lean on them.

If by any chance you're having trouble sleeping my best advice would be to try exercise; again, sounds insane, but it worked for me. Go swimming, play tennis or other sports, or even just long walks in the park. Anything to tire yourself out physically. It really works.

I hope your situation improves soon. You WILL get over it, and things WILL improve. "All this will pass". But it its own time, and yours, when you're ready.

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to RapierFugue)

Post #: 17

RE: dealing with loss/depression - 11/14/2010 4:24:49 AM

Manawyddan

Posts: 701
Joined: 1/2/2005
From: Petaluma (Northern California)
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: fyt2btyed

I almost feel like this is a silly question, but here is my dilemma. My LTR recently came to an end, and not mutually so.

Unfortunately, I am filled with grief over this, and there are times when I am so upset I cannot stop crying and go to sleep. At times, I cry so hard I can barely breathe. I am on antidepressants, and have been taking them without fail. I am able to function okay during the day.

I just wondered if anyone had any suggestions. I mean, I am not going to get on the phone and wake up my best gf at 3 in the morning. I am not suicidal, my thoughts never go there, thankfully. I was wondering if there is some kind of hotline, or place for support, available 24/7.

Or perhaps you have something that you have known to help...I would really like to be able to calm myself down. Thanks

I've pretty much gone through the exact same thing. In fact ... the perils of being poly ... I experienced the breakup of an LTR and a longtime local girlfriend within a fairly short time of each other. And when I was at my most vulnerable, some gameplaying bitch I made the mistake of confiding in chose to toy with me and tip me over the edge.

(there were other things going on which contributed to my state of mind at the time, but they are OT for now)

I have no easy answers. I confided in friends ... one of whom has since become my absolute rock. I was spurred on to finally seek out a new therapist. I fought to keep myself from sinking into alcoholism and to remain a good husband and father.

A few months down the line, I am still wounded, but I am myself again ... even when at times I wondered whether I would ever feel that way. You will too, in time.

_____________________________

_______________________________________________
"She always had a terrific sense of humor"
(Valerie Solonas, as described by her mother)
_______________________________________________

(in reply to fyt2btyed)

Post #: 18

RE: dealing with loss/depression - 11/14/2010 4:40:13 AM

RapierFugue

Posts: 4740
Joined: 3/16/2006
From: London, England
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

That's why I said "consider", not do it immediately without consulting her doctor. I keep thinking that goes without saying, but I guess it doesn't. Sorry for any confusion I caused.

Once again, I'm presenting something to CONSIDER.

And, just to clarify, my friend didn't change his own medication, he was under a doctor's care.

Oh in that case fine, yes. Longer term, review by all means, with clinical guidance.

As a general rule (and as you clearly understand), the time to add more random or unknown elements into a complex situation is not the point at which that situation is already more complex than usual.

(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 19

RE: dealing with loss/depression - 11/14/2010 5:39:24 AM

pahunkboy

Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline

1. SSRI pills can do that.

2. a man is not worth it. set it in the trash and be happy with YOU. You have value and are important. Find the value with in yourself.

3. If your life sucks then so something about it.

(in reply to RapierFugue)

Post #: 20

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