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Kink Out - Common Sense In - 10/6/2010 8:59:15 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

After reading a few threads this morning, I wanted to start a post that includes some general advice. It's geared more toward people new to the site, but I'm hoping some experienced folks will chime in.

While there is some connection to what it is that we do to fantasy, the majority of it really is very much like the rest of the world. Adding kink to a situation or a relationship really doesn't change that much. In most cases, if you take the kink angle out of it, common sense should be able to light your way.

I'm seeing a lot of threads lately with the theme of "how to become a good Dom". If the relationship label was taken out, you'd be left with how to become a good husband or boyfriend. Those same relationship skills apply. You still need to start with being a person that someone else wants to be in a relationship with. Just because it's hoping to be kinky doesn't mean you get to skip the same good attributes that are desirable in a partner.

Another one that I see a lot is people thinking, because it's kinky, life is going to start having similarities to a porn flick. It doesn't work that way, either. Before you added the kink, were women throwing themselves at you? Have you ever delivered a pizza and your "tip" was a threesome inspired by a couple of co-eds? No? Then please don't think it's going to start working that way just because it's suddenly about BDSM. Same rules apply. Expect a parallel to the kinky dating world that you had in the vanilla one.

One more. If we were talking about anything else other than kink that you wanted to learn, you would have to make some kind of investment. Knowledge isn't something that you just instantaneously acquire. If you wanted to learn a new language, how would you do that? Take a class? Get a book or tapes? Start studying under someone who speaks the language fluently? You might do a combination of all of those methods. The point is, you'd have to do something. Kink is no different. It's not going to fall into your lap.

To open this thread up, what analogies would you say that fit where people would be helped by seeing the situation with common sense? What helps you?

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

Post #: 1

RE: Kink Out - Common Sense In - 10/6/2010 9:18:13 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

For me, common sense is a big factor in ALL aspects of my life. Regardless of what it is I am doing/considering/etc....I try to look at it big picture. I try to look at possible repercussions, pros and cons, worst case scenarios, etc.

I also think that my perception of the lack of common sense, is what will bring out the vicious snark in me faster than anything else.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 2

RE: Kink Out - Common Sense In - 10/6/2010 10:02:16 AM

sweetsub1957

Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

[color="#9900ccTo open this thread up, what analogies would you say that fit where people would be helped by seeing the situation with common sense? What helps you?

LadyP, for some reason, Your post struck me as funny, even though I agree wholeheartedly with it 100%. Too many people, esp the new ones, seem to not understand that common sense is just as important w/ kink as it is anywhere else in life. When it comes to considering or doing kink stuff or kink relationships, I ask myself: (1) Would you do this in a comparable vanilla situation? (Like in relationships) (2)What advice would you give your best friend? Now follow that advice. (3)Is this activity going to harm you in anyway (other than inflicting pain safely)? Real life is not a porn flick, would you voluntary choose to live in a soap opera?

~sweetsub~

_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 3

RE: Kink Out - Common Sense In - 10/6/2010 10:12:35 AM

peppermint

Posts: 5175
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

What bothers me are people who think we wear a sticker that says "BDSM" on our foreheads. Actually we look like normal everyday people. It reminds me of the last scene in Secretary where he leaves for work out of a normal neighborhood and the neighbors have no clue.

We host munches in the two places we live. I often get contacted by someone new, usually male. They would love to be part of the group but can't. The reason is that if one of their friends saw them having lunch with us, their friends would instantly know they were part of a kink group due to that BDSM sticker on our foreheads. Of course they wish to be invited to any private parties that are happening. Most disappear when they find out if they don't come to munch, they don't get a party invite. As far as the parties go, they also disappear when they find out that BDSM does not mean a swing group with orgies, all men welcome to take care of the needy nympho female submissives. Yes, I did use gender terms there as I have never had a new female member believe we are an orgy group.

On a more personal level we get men writing to either myself or Gary, wanting to meet up. That's no problem as we love to meet new people. However, once we are face to face we discover that the men believed there would be sex during our meeting or soon afterward. They believe that Dominants all give their submissives to any willing sex partner (as if there is a lack of qualified males willing to do someone's female). They seem rather shocked that we are a monogamous couple. The shock comes from the fact that BDSMers have morals and values just like most adults.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 4

RE: Kink Out - Common Sense In - 10/6/2010 10:26:58 AM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

To open this thread up, what analogies would you say that fit where people would be helped by seeing the situation with common sense? What helps you?

Greetings LadyPact,

I've often encountered numerous threads extolling the virtues of power exchanges and why the relationships are presumably better due to supposed differences. However, it is my opinion that very little forethought goes into understanding how the similarities and unique precepts require an alteration in ones approach for long term success. When one gives real consideration of what it means to truly submit and lead it behooves me how anyone believes these things will occur instantaneously with a relative stranger. Particularly when the fundamental tenets of the pairing have never been established nor solidified. The repetitive cycle of hurried partnerships that inevitably lead to disappointment and confusion is staggering. I attribute this to impatience and a commitment to the idea of the exchange rather than its reality instead.

As such, I would hope to impress the importance and benefits of proceeding in a timely fashion. Understanding who and what you're becoming entwined with before anything is exchanged is imperative. To assume that the two can be successfully cultivated simultaneously is rarely successful. Nor do we typically hand over the keys of the castle without an internal belief that they're in good hands. Although many bristle at the concept of protocol and it's stringent nuances in terms of pacing, there's much wisdom to be found in proceeding at a practical pace. There's a cadence in all manners of relating. Power dynamics much like other interpersonal relationships are no different. Good things take time.

Namaste,

~porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 5

RE: Kink Out - Common Sense In - 10/6/2010 10:30:30 AM

strangedesire

Posts: 360
Joined: 12/23/2008
Status: offline

There's an old adage that successful relationships aren't just about finding the right person, they're about being the right person. So yes, it's important to find a person who will accept you for who you are, but the best way to find people who will do that is to be the best person you can be.

_____________________________

On that other site as Exegesis.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 6

RE: Kink Out - Common Sense In - 10/6/2010 11:12:20 AM

Rochsub2009

Posts: 2536
Status: offline

Lady Pact,
I'm glad you started this thread. I'm sure that many of us were having the same thoughts as you, but didn't want to voice them openly. Fortunately, you did just that.

I see lots of threads (particularly by newbies) that lack common sense. For example, real relationships take compromise. Yet I see so many threads where people seem unwilling to compromise in BDSM relationships.

As an example, I love pets. But if I met someone that I truly loved, and she was allergic to cats and dogs, I wouldn't necessarily eliminate her simply because she can't have pets. If she were important enough to me, I would consider compromising on my desire to have pets. Or I might consider getting an aquarium or some other type of pet to satisfy my love for animals. But I would start thinking about potential compromises that I could live with.

But when it comes to BDSM, I see far too many people who are unwilling to compromise on even the smallest things. For example, a male Dom might start a thread that reads, "I have found the perfect female sub. She is beautiful, we are intellectual equals, we enjoy all of the same things, and she is a perfect match for my personality. We have been together for 6 months, and she gives me the best sex that I've ever experienced in my life. She is absolutely amazing. She is also totally submissive. She obeys every command that I give her, and she never disobeys. I am a sadist, and she is the perfect pain slut. She is the yin to my sadistic yang. I would have never imagined that there could be a woman who was such a perfect fit for me. The only problem is that she doesn't like it when I try to make here drink my urine. I have a big problem with this. Should I get rid of her and find someone who WILL drink my urine?"

I don't understand why so many people come on the boards and share stories like the above where the answer is amazingly obvious. Try a little compromise. Are you REALLY going to dump the submissive woman of your dreams because she won't drink your urine???!!! How about just being happy that she is everything that you ever hoped for, and compromise on her drinking your urine? But of course, the people who start these threads never seem to see these obvious answers.

I guess the old saying is very true; "common sense is not very common".

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 7

RE: Kink Out - Common Sense In - 10/6/2010 11:21:48 AM

jbcurious

Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline

quote:

Another one that I see a lot is people thinking, because it's kinky, life is going to start having similarities to a porn flick. It doesn't work that way, either. Before you added the kink, were women throwing themselves at you? Have you ever delivered a pizza and your "tip" was a threesome inspired by a couple of co-eds? No? Then please don't think it's going to start working that way just because it's suddenly about BDSM. Same rules apply. Expect a parallel to the kinky dating world that you had in the vanilla one.

I especially enjoyed this paragraph... thanks for the giggle.

What I find surprising was a comment I read on one of the threads that it was easier for men to hook up with women by claiming to be a Dominant. For me the bar goes up in my expectations of man who claims to be a Dominant over a man in the vanilla world ( I really hate that term).

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 8

RE: Kink Out - Common Sense In - 10/6/2010 11:35:59 AM

CynthiaWVirginia

Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline

I almost wish there was a "school" area for newbies here at CM, complete with tests to take to prove that people actually read what was written. Or at least an option. Maybe for new people here...an automated letter from CM with a link to the FAQ here and a recommendation to read it before posting.

When I was new, I was just dropped in the chatroom. It was like being on an alien planet. (It was the very first chatroom I had been in, lol.) I tried to absorb the "foreign language" through interaction with everyone I saw. I learned a lot more, later on, through reading. Someone took me under her wing and shoved my nose to the grindstone over reading...especially safeties.

It is hard to break through the initial frenzy. I do my best to help out some new people and at least have them read a newbie packet.

Before my common sense kicked in, I trusted too much. Was too needy to learn. I had to be cornered several times by over eager sharks, to the point that I kept bolting and deleting my profile. Reading grounded me, as did having a mentor.

The problems mentioned by LadyPact and peppermint are what I have to deal with here in my small town. It is so frustrating...all that, "I don't want to know you as a person, just BEAT ME!" and the assumption that I'm a nympho and will demand oral from everyone I scene with. Yeah right. I haven't been fluid bonded with anyone in years, and unless I'm in love it's going to stay that way.

As for the munch group that keeps meeting almost 3 hours away on the freeway...my vehicle is not working again. Last month it was the master cylinder (symptom...no brakes), and now it's something with the fuel line. I did make it to Charleston once...but I was the only one there, as the date had been changed a few days beforehand and I had stopped checking in at Fet to see if the tentative meetup had been made solid. I checked for weeks.

Most people will not go to their local book store and buy BDSM books like The Loving Dominant. In small towns, they won't wish to be seen buying it and being outed. Buying it online...one must know the titles and be able to deal with PayPal. Then if there are nosy children who might find it... Many just don't want any of these in their home...btw, whenever I've had chemos in the past, my 70 year old mother came to my home and poked around in my stuff. Did she cook for me or do errands? Heck no, but she found one of my vibes once. It buzzed at her too...then she waved it in the air, took it over to me in front of my son and a friend of mine...and asked me why in the H do I have one of these.

Would I ever want her to find one of my books? One of my bags of stuff or my dozens of floggers? It took me a while to come out. Newbies might take a while to come out too, and might save all of their learning for online so there is nothing incriminating at home.

I took about a year before I found the message boards...the stuffed mailbox and chatrooms kept me too busy to explore elsewhere. It took a year or two more to find the search feature...someone had to show another newbie exactly how to find this before I was clued in. I heard it mentioned in passing, but thought it was like the spell checker...something my computer cannot utilize. (Would have to download something that is not downloadable.)

What helps? Targeted reading. I send people to the message boards, telling them exactly how to locate the search feature and to look up things like sub frenzy, safe words, safe caller, sub drop, top drop, and tell them to keep chocolate near their computer. I offer to be a sounding board and an anchor until they find their sea legs.

Some people are like lemmings though. Nothing will stop them from plunging into several bad experiences until they are ready to be reasonable and slow down. They are not my responsibility.

When I visited a friend of mine recently, I loaned her one of my two copies of The Loving Dominant. She needs to take responsibility for her (vanilla) submissive nature, recognise it for what it is even if she never dabbles in kink. This can give her strength and help her to not be such a doormat to everyone. Also, her 19 year old son has a subbie girlfriend, and I found out...horror of horrors, lol...that last year he had been here at CM. He doesn't come anymore because his girlfriend would be upset...I guess he stayed in the chatrooms and mailbox, because he seems to be clueless that CM had a message boards area.

All three of them will probably start reading. It's a good start.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 9

RE: Kink Out - Common Sense In - 10/6/2010 11:46:08 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

I wish I had something cogent to add here, but all I can say is BRAINS GET SOME!!

I am seeing incredible stupidity--and yes, I MEAN that--on the boards here and on Fetlife, and honestly? It scares me. Lots of those people are BREEDING, and I am reasonably sure that someone capable of raising a child should also be able to navigate the internet and tell what's reasonable from what's an utter fairytale.

Maybe I am just hallucinating. Maybe being kinky makes us all special snowflakes after all. BUT I DOUBT IT.

Yes, I am extracranky today. But I still mean everything I said.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to CynthiaWVirginia)

Post #: 10

RE: Kink Out - Common Sense In - 10/6/2010 12:11:08 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

I wish I had something cogent to add here, but all I can say is BRAINS GET SOME!!

I am seeing incredible stupidity--and yes, I MEAN that--on the boards here and on Fetlife, and honestly? It scares me. Lots of those people are BREEDING, and I am reasonably sure that someone capable of raising a child should also be able to navigate the internet and tell what's reasonable from what's an utter fairytale.

Maybe I am just hallucinating. Maybe being kinky makes us all special snowflakes after all. BUT I DOUBT IT.

Yes, I am extracranky today. But I still mean everything I said.

LadyHib......you just made me smile HUGELY!!! Thank you!

I need to remember the part I bolded, as it fits me all too often.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 11

RE: Kink Out - Common Sense In - 10/6/2010 12:12:09 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

YAY! I am reading a troll thread on Fet and LOLing immensely, but I am still sick of morons.

You CAN fix stupid, but blunt objects are involved.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 12

RE: Kink Out - Common Sense In - 10/6/2010 1:08:16 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

A relationship is a relationship is a relationship. If your relationship skills suck, and you are unable to accept criticism from your partner, to own your mistakes and to man up and deal with the problems you've caused, setting up a d/s relationship with all kinds of arcane protocols designed to eliminate ever hearing any criticism is not magically going to mean your relationship will be successful and happy.

The opposite, it will probably fail even faster than usual.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 13

RE: Kink Out - Common Sense In - 10/6/2010 1:26:08 PM

Iholdthestrings

Posts: 172
Joined: 9/23/2010
From: Fort Wayne, IN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009

But when it comes to BDSM, I see far too many people who are unwilling to compromise on even the smallest things. For example, a male Dom might start a thread that reads, "I have found the perfect female sub. She is beautiful, we are intellectual equals, we enjoy all of the same things, and she is a perfect match for my personality. We have been together for 6 months, and she gives me the best sex that I've ever experienced in my life. She is absolutely amazing. She is also totally submissive. She obeys every command that I give her, and she never disobeys. I am a sadist, and she is the perfect pain slut. She is the yin to my sadistic yang. I would have never imagined that there could be a woman who was such a perfect fit for me. The only problem is that she doesn't like it when I try to make here drink my urine. I have a big problem with this. Should I get rid of her and find someone who WILL drink my urine?"

I don't understand why so many people come on the boards and share stories like the above where the answer is amazingly obvious. Try a little compromise. Are you REALLY going to dump the submissive woman of your dreams because she won't drink your urine???!!! How about just being happy that she is everything that you ever hoped for, and compromise on her drinking your urine? But of course, the people who start these threads never seem to see these obvious answers.

I guess the old saying is very true; "common sense is not very common".

*applauds*

I often wonder the same thing, and I'm befuddled by people who insist that if I compromise where My girl is concerned, it's a sign of personal weakness. Of COURSE she should like every single thing that I do. She's My slave. RI-IGHT.

I have a humiliation/degradation kink. My girl has had some things happen in her life before Me that made hearing things of this sort directed at her an emotionally harmful thing. How terrible would I have to be to insist that this kink be a part of our relationship? I love and treasure My slave. I enjoy hurting her, but I certainly don't want to cause her harm. You don't break your favorite toy; you're going to want to play with it again.

I have long suspected that "common" sense is a myth.

_____________________________

She tied you to Her kitchen chair... and from your lips She drew the Hallelujah.
---------------------------
If I had an orgasm-trigger phrase, it would be "No Strings Housework". ;)

(in reply to Rochsub2009)

Post #: 14

RE: Kink Out - Common Sense In - 10/6/2010 2:25:52 PM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline

Brilliant thread so far!

I think there should be a "For newcomers" FAQ, and this thread is a really good beginning.

I'd also point to this one - http://www.collarchat.com/m_3220398/mpage_1/tm.htm

I think one of the challenges that newcomers face is the unreality of those initial exchanges - You get to know that someone loves to be pissed on before you learn what food they like.

If you're not careful, this overdose of intimate detail can derail your common sense.

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 15

RE: Kink Out - Common Sense In - 10/6/2010 3:12:33 PM

DomImus

Posts: 2004
Joined: 3/17/2009
Status: offline

What happened to just pointing them towards Google?

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 16

RE: Kink Out - Common Sense In - 10/6/2010 3:25:50 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

I'd like to add to the s types out there, that it seems to be a common misconception that you have to accept everything your Dominant partner wants, even if it falls under the umbrella of bad behavior. Cheating is cheating no matter if it's a D/s relationship or not and that's just one example. What D/s does in most instances is to iron some things out beforehand so you know what basic direction you are going to go with someone. Slapping a Dominant sticker on a person's forehead doesn't mean they get to mistreat you as a person and go against a basic tenet of your relationship.

Trust is a basic thing that most relationships are built on, in D/s this trust thing becomes even more important. If someone breaks your trust that is not acceptable. Do you trust your mechanic to fix what is wrong with the car and not go around making other problems? Uh-huh. Do you trust your supermarket to sell quality goods and not overcharge? Yes. If you can't get good service or decent food then you go about trying to resolve these things. You don't have to suck it up and just accept something that truly makes you unhappy. The goal here is for 2 people to get their needs met and enjoy what is going on besides.

Another aspect of this are the variations of my Dom or prospective Dom wants to do something to me that I'm uncomfortable with, do I have to let him/her do it? The answer is no- you don't have to do it. BDSM, and D/s involve activities that we enter into on a voluntary basis. We give permission to others to carry out acts upon us or do them ourselves - that consent can be revoked. It may end the relationship, which might not be a bad thing if the two people involved in it were mismatched to begin with.

< Message edited by lizi -- 10/6/2010 3:30:02 PM >

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 17

RE: Kink Out - Common Sense In - 10/6/2010 3:33:01 PM

VaguelyCurious

Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline

Social skills still apply.

That's the big one for me. You wouldn't walk up to a total stranger who is half your age at a bar and go 'you're obviously female-do you fuck?'. So it's not ok to walk up to random women at a munch and open conversation with 'you're obviously submissive-do you play?' (true story-I'm not making that up...). If you do that the nice man built like a brick shithouse will ask you to leave. It's not a good idea.

_____________________________

Sthetic on FetLife.

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 18

RE: Kink Out - Common Sense In - 10/6/2010 3:45:18 PM

PeonForHer

Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml

I think one of the challenges that newcomers face is the unreality of those initial exchanges - You get to know that someone loves to be pissed on before you learn what food they like.

Ah yes . . . .

I think the appropriate metaphor for newbies who join the BDSM world is that their fantasy is like a newborn baby. If they want it to thrive in this new world of reality . . . then it will need careful nurturing. Few people will put up with the screams and smell of poop a baby produces the way its 'mother' can.

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com

(in reply to crazyml)

Post #: 19

RE: Kink Out - Common Sense In - 10/6/2010 4:30:13 PM

flcouple2009

Posts: 2784
Joined: 1/8/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
Another one that I see a lot is people thinking, because it's kinky, life is going to start having similarities to a porn flick. It doesn't work that way, either. Before you added the kink, were women throwing themselves at you? Have you ever delivered a pizza and your "tip" was a threesome inspired by a couple of co-eds? No? Then please don't think it's going to start working that way just because it's suddenly about BDSM. Same rules apply. Expect a parallel to the kinky dating world that you had in the vanilla one.

I had to comment once I stopped laughing that is so true. I don't know why everyone thinks they've suddenly become a porn star.

Now before my first wife and before the current one I virtually lived in a porno. I was the guy that all of those things that never happen happened to. If not for the small people there would probably be a lot more times now that matched a porn set.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 20

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