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RE: So, how to become a proper dom? - 10/7/2010 8:25:18 PM   
jujubeeMB


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quote:

ORIGINAL: strangedesire
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
Don't hit the top half of the buttocks, to avoid the tailbone,


Tailbone and kidneys.  To clarify, imagine a horizontal line from the top of the crack of her cheeks, going to her sides.  Never spank above that line.

Depends on anatomy. My boytoy is long and skinny. If I'm using a belt or strap (or frat paddle, or cane, or anything else that hits both cheeks at once) I need to keep several inches below the top of the crack.

Don't be afraid to poke around and feel what's underneath the skin before you start hitting. The squishy and muscle-y part of the butt can take a lot. Bony bits are best avoided, as are parts of the body with internal organs or nerve clusters.


Ok, you guys are freaking me out so I have to derail for a second. What happens if someone hits my tailbone? I don't have a very squishy muscle-y butt, and I need to know if my Dom is going to accidentally break me if he doesn't know this

(in reply to strangedesire)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: So, how to become a proper dom? - 10/7/2010 8:30:37 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		To be a proper Dom or anything else for that matter; communication is key. Listening skills are needed as much as chemistry.

Empathy and patience are good character traits as well.

(in reply to jujubeeMB)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: So, how to become a proper dom? - 10/7/2010 10:16:22 PM   
Twoshoes


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Joined: 7/27/2010
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quote:


What happens if someone hits my tailbone?

It hurts with a very dull ache - the exact same kind where you hit your elbow really hard.  Don't know about 'fracturing'.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1
To be a proper Dom or anything else for that matter; communication is key. Listening skills are needed as much as chemistry.

Empathy and patience are good character traits as well.


Those are good.
I still contend that 'sense of responsibility' is the most important leadership trait, especially when no one can hold you accountable. (It's also possible to not be responsible for something you have a vested interest in.)

(in reply to jujubeeMB)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: So, how to become a proper dom? - 10/7/2010 10:35:40 PM   
Bravado


Posts: 87
Joined: 6/15/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bravado

Finding a compatible partner makes it easy, but otherwise it involves a tremendous amount of tact. An effective dom is embarrassingly similar to a stage magician in that he or she must hold and control the attention of his sub and excite him or her into volunteering to tasks you assign.


I disagree wholeheartedly.  Being a Dom requires being a certain way, not acting like it!

Being a Dom requires:

1. Being honest and open.
2. Knowing what you yourself want.
3. Believing you know what is best for your submissive.
4. Being willing to get her to what you think is best for her.
5. Feeling and acting controlling and possessive of her.  In a good way.

If you look at that list and think that that's a lot of work, you may not be cut out to be a Dom.  If you look at it and think "Well, gee.  That's what I'm like naturally anyway!", you'll do just fine.

And the sex is GREAT!



I don't think you understood what I stated. A compatible partner will enjoy you as your honest self and all actions and opinions that follow. Otherwise, meaning with a less compatible partner, you must assert dominance in a more showy way and perhaps do what is not exactly natural to you in order to maintain a comfortable authority.

Leadership is the same whether it's sexual or political. Any conflicts of interest that may pose a threat in the relationship between a leader and his/her follower(s) are best dealt with in a concise and persuasive manner. Due to the fact that BDSM relationships are very expressive by nature, this often requires a more overt and perhaps obnoxious approach.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
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RE: So, how to become a proper dom? - 10/8/2010 1:45:51 AM   
ranja


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Joined: 11/1/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB


Ok, you guys are freaking me out so I have to derail for a second. What happens if someone hits my tailbone? I don't have a very squishy muscle-y butt, and I need to know if my Dom is going to accidentally break me if he doesn't know this



My darling Husband has on a few occasions mis-aimed and accidentally hit my tail bone... it hurts in a very not good way... i told Him it hurts in a very not good way and the third time He did it i told Him if He does it again i will get a tattoo on it so He can see more clearly where NOT to hit... He hates tattoos and He has not mis-aimed again.

Op, you have to practise 'the look' every self respecting Dom knows how to do 'the look'

< Message edited by ranja -- 10/8/2010 1:46:53 AM >

(in reply to jujubeeMB)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: So, how to become a proper dom? - 10/8/2010 3:53:24 AM   
DarkSteven


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Bravado

I don't think you understood what I stated. A compatible partner will enjoy you as your honest self and all actions and opinions that follow. Otherwise, meaning with a less compatible partner, you must assert dominance in a more showy way and perhaps do what is not exactly natural to you in order to maintain a comfortable authority.



I understood exactly what you said.  When you said "do what is not exactly natural to you", you reinforced my first impression.  You are saying to ACT a Dom and I am saying to BE a Dom.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Bravado)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: So, how to become a proper dom? - 10/8/2010 4:27:20 AM   
jbcurious


Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		I strongly agree with Steven... when I see Doms asking how they should approach a sub, how to present a profile to attract subs, how to be a Dom...

Whether in or out of the world of BDSM there are people who are leaders, Dominants... and you either are or you aren't and while some are able to posture or pretend for a certain amount of time, it's forced, not who that person is and who you are eventually comes out.

My question to the OP and others who pose these types of questions is "Why do you want to portray yourself as other then you are?" 

As a Dominant be secure enough in what you want, in how you want things done to say... and you will attract subs who are drawn to those things.


_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'


I have an explosive personality...


(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: So, how to become a proper dom? - 10/8/2010 7:57:22 AM   
strangedesire


Posts: 360
Joined: 12/23/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB

Ok, you guys are freaking me out so I have to derail for a second. What happens if someone hits my tailbone? I don't have a very squishy muscle-y butt, and I need to know if my Dom is going to accidentally break me if he doesn't know this



I once hit the boytoy in the tailbone with a belt. He said, "Ow, that was my tailbone," I apologized, and we went right on playing. You really don't get into trouble unless you're dealing with canes and frat paddles - obviously, if you accidentally whack the end of someone's spine with a two-by-four, you run a risk of doing damage. You can google "bruised tailbone" or "broken tailbone" if you want to know more. People damage their tailbones all the time in vanilla settings.


_____________________________

On that other site as Exegesis.

(in reply to jujubeeMB)
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RE: So, how to become a proper dom? - 10/8/2010 9:42:42 AM   
MarcEsadrian


Posts: 852
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Twoshoes
I still contend that 'sense of responsibility' is the most important leadership trait, especially when no one can hold you accountable.


I agree. Being a Master (or Mistress) in a consensual slavery relationship is not a license to be irresponsible or unaccountable. Without responsibility and accountability, there is no long standing leadership, nor leader in the end.

_____________________________

Omnes una manet nox

Founder, Humbled Females

(in reply to Twoshoes)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: So, how to become a proper dom? - 10/9/2010 7:49:51 AM   
Icarys


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quote:

Whether in or out of the world of BDSM there are people who are leaders, Dominants... and you either are or you aren't and while some are able to posture or pretend for a certain amount of time, it's forced, not who that person is and who you are eventually comes out.

Wonderful way to put it..I often say that about a submissive as well.


_____________________________

submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

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(in reply to jbcurious)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: So, how to become a proper dom? - 10/9/2010 10:16:23 AM   
anniezz338


Posts: 1183
Joined: 8/17/2010
Status: offline 		I feel it's more about the mental than physical. Realizing what a gift it is the submissive is giving you and taking that responsibility seriously. I believe the Dom has actually more of the "work" to do in the relationship than the sub. Taking the responsibility of your control of yourself and the mental and physical well being of another human being can be a very tall order.

(in reply to Icarys)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: So, how to become a proper dom? - 10/9/2010 11:01:47 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338

I believe the Dom has actually more of the "work" to do in the relationship than the sub.


Interesting premise.  The Dom/me's work has to do with determining what is best for all, and making it happen.  The sub's work has to do with keeping in check his or her tendency to resist.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to anniezz338)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: So, how to become a proper dom? - 10/9/2010 7:34:34 PM   
chiaThePet


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There is of course the must have charcoal hue, I AM A DOMINATE crushed velvet
reversible Tee, replete with smart, stunning and shimmering shoulder pad tassel fringe.

Available always at Amberscrabby and Flinch.

chia* (the pet)


_____________________________

Love is a many splendid sting.

You can stick me in the corner, but I'll probably just end up coloring on the walls.

(in reply to Revenge93)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: So, how to become a proper dom? - 10/11/2010 3:33:03 PM   
Nslavu


Posts: 342
Joined: 2/1/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven


I disagree wholeheartedly.  Being a Dom requires being a certain way, not acting like it!


I hate to disagree with you Steven; but I think as in most things, repetition of fundamental behaviors (you included some in your post below) could "act"ually create a dominant person from one who isn't inclined that way. Of course there would be circumstances that would be more or less workable in this regard. Then it merely becomes one of those 'how well' they learned by either repeating themselves or mirroring another. "The whole world is stage and we are merely actors." Something like that.

There's another thread on 'truly' a slave, blah blah. We are all acting out what we want to be. Yep, some are born inclined toward dominance or submission, naturally; just like some are born more inclined to hit home-runs in baseball. Still, that doesn't preclude acting in a repetitive nature to become a home-run hitter, nor would it make them any less of a home-run hitter, unless of course attitude and dedication were not present.

I'm not disagreeing with what is inborn or naturally inherent in people; but we begin our acting lives, mirroring our environment from day one. Even a natural dominant could be so ridden and trodden in their childhood as to become submissive by repetition of perceived conditions and vice versa.

quote:



Being a Dom requires:
1. Being honest and open.
2. Knowing what you yourself want.
3. Believing you know what is best for your submissive.
4. Being willing to get her to what you think is best for her.
5. Feeling and acting controlling and possessive of her.  In a good way.

If you look at that list and think that that's a lot of work, you may not be cut out to be a Dom.  If you look at it and think "Well, gee.  That's what I'm like naturally anyway!", you'll do just fine.
And the sex is GREAT!


(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: So, how to become a proper dom? - 10/11/2010 4:11:45 PM   
Nslavu


Posts: 342
Joined: 2/1/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious

My question to the OP and others who pose these types of questions is "Why do you want to portray yourself as other then you are?" 



"To be", and "to be perceived" differently from what you were in the past? Some days I ask myself if I want to be the same person I was yesterday and most often the answer is no. So many things could be changed, too many really. The potential of man is infinite as are his perceptions of who and what he is. I could be fuckin President! ... if I only portrayed a little more .... class... and ummm ... smarts ... and ummm ... cheating lying bullshit?

I remember a quote, sort of. Author unknown, and I will probably not get it exactly right, but the sentiment is the same. "Take care in what you pretend to be, because you are what you pretend to be." In essence, even if only for a moment, the pretense is enough 'to be' and 'to be perceived' as real. No matter which way we cut it, it's still us, pretending or not. One should be mindful of what one wants to be in any case.

Also what makes you tend to submissiveness, I think, is as much a function of your reflection in the presence of a Dom that you trust. Symbiotic syncopation in short. Otherwise you would be pretending to be a sub, or portraying submissiveness, which is the only way you can get through subbing to a Dom you don't care for or sync with. "I couldn't sub to him." is the same as saying there's no reflective presence of my submissiveness with this Dom.

(your question seems to be an objection to a behavior?)

In any event; I think what you would object to and what you're saying is when someone who is 'pretending' or portraying a behavior, is doing so in order to forego or bypass what D/s or M/s is about for a lot people, such as yourself, which is the syncopation, the Dom presence that best reflects your submissiveness. I understand the objection in this case; but I wouldn't rule out someone's 'portrayal' as a reason to avoid the portrait. Makes sense?


Nice to see you around jb !!

(in reply to jbcurious)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: So, how to become a proper dom? - 10/12/2010 10:26:17 AM   
Masterhelp


Posts: 2
Joined: 4/13/2009
Status: offline 		Some of what has been said is good and sound advice. You must however start by getting to know yourself and if you have any Dominant qualities as this is not for any and every one. You should first at least be in control of yourself and your day to day life and livlihood..if you can not take care of yourself nor have control over you own life then controling that of another will be a futile attempt and role play at best. Find out as well if you are actually seeking to be a Dmoninant or merely a top. Nothing wrong with being a top just as long as you are honest with yourself about that. Learn learn and learn some more BEFORE you attempt to involve a sub into what you are attempting to do.

(in reply to Revenge93)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: So, how to become a proper dom? - 10/12/2010 1:35:19 PM   
dellster


Posts: 8
Joined: 9/27/2010
Status: offline 		Before thinking you have control over another,learn to have control over yourself

_____________________________

The Argument from Intimidation is a confession of intellectual impotence.

(in reply to Twoshoes)
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RE: So, how to become a proper dom? - 10/13/2010 5:28:08 AM   
Hillwilliam


Posts: 19394
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline 		If you want to be a truly PROPER Dom(me). Remember to ALWAYS extend your pinky as you sip tea.

(in reply to dellster)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: So, how to become a proper dom? - 10/13/2010 11:17:05 AM   
Iholdthestrings


Posts: 172
Joined: 9/23/2010
From: Fort Wayne, IN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam

If you want to be a truly PROPER Dom(me). Remember to ALWAYS extend your pinky as you sip tea.


No, no, no... That's how to be a FANCY Dom(me).


_____________________________

She tied you to Her kitchen chair... and from your lips She drew the Hallelujah.
---------------------------
If I had an orgasm-trigger phrase, it would be "No Strings Housework". ;)

(in reply to Hillwilliam)
Profile   Post #: 39
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