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So, how to become a proper dom? - 10/5/2010 11:21:01 PM

Revenge93

Posts: 22
Joined: 10/1/2010
Status: offline

I'm a dominant personality, but inexperienced in this lifestyle outside of some relatively tame teenage relationships, and eager to learn. I've seen some comments on being 'properly trained' by other doms, or implication that there is a certain package of behavior to learn before being able to call yourself a dom. What's the first logical step for someone who wants to explore down that road, and if that person does not have a local BDSM scene to engage in?

Post #: 1

RE: So, how to become a proper dom? - 10/5/2010 11:52:38 PM

Whiplashsmile4

Posts: 2305
Joined: 12/2/2008
Status: offline

You're gonna find out that what one person thinks/feels is a proper Dom varies from person to person. Welcome to the jungle and there's no True one wayism that is the correct true way.

First question you have to think about, what do you want and don't want from a relationship. What kinds of things are you looking for or desire from somebody else? The whole concept of training somebody is training them to your personal wants wishes and desires. Ask yourself, how realistic are these things to begin with as well. you have to blend the reality of day to day life with your D/s relationship. If you are not realistic, it can be a set up for failure. Please understand that many submissives or people in general hate failure. In fact, most people try to strive for mastering shit they do when the conditions are right.

Most of the stuff I'm posting should be addressed in any relationship.. be it in or out of the lifestyle. Simply do things "All natural" and be yourself.. that's my advice. Explore more and more of yourself, D/s and explore things with a good submissive.

Following the message board postings here is helpful to an extent.. however, you or apply common sense to things. Go with your gut instincts and be certain to draw upon all your own life experiences.. yes, all your vanilla experiences matter when it comes to D/s as well.

Training does not have to be difficult.. again.. back to things you desire, how you desire them. It's like Burger King.. have it your way.. however keep in mind if what you want is realistic. No two submissives are alike.. same goes with Doms or even the Switches.. LOL

Hope this kinda sorta helps you a little.

_____________________________

Жизнь ума ебет.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUzJI4Palq0

(in reply to Revenge93)

Post #: 2

RE: So, how to become a proper dom? - 10/5/2010 11:55:48 PM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline

Hello there.

Check this book out - http://www.amazon.com/Loving-Dominant-John-Warren/dp/1890159204 - it's well worth a read.

As for "training", there are definitely some aspects to kink where training is a good thing - I went to a caning and flogging workshop a while back and was surprised at how much I learned. But "training to be a dom"? I'm not sure how this is possible - I think you develop as a dom over time, by practice (doing it, getting it wrong from time to time etc), by mixing with other doms (and you don't necesarily need a formal "mentor" - just some friends).

I'd advise you to follow some of the threads on this board (it's a very mixed brew but it'll help you identify the kind of dom you'd like to be), I'd recommend you check out the local scene too - munches / events are a good way to encounter people.

Good luck.

PS.. Maybe we need a FAQ for new doms or new subs?

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to Revenge93)

Post #: 3

RE: So, how to become a proper dom? - 10/6/2010 1:38:09 AM

Bravado

Posts: 87
Joined: 6/15/2010
Status: offline

Finding a compatible partner makes it easy, but otherwise it involves a tremendous amount of tact. An effective dom is embarrassingly similar to a stage magician in that he or she must hold and control the attention of his sub and excite him or her into volunteering to tasks you assign.

(in reply to crazyml)

Post #: 4

RE: So, how to become a proper dom? - 10/6/2010 2:05:52 AM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

Hi Revenge and welcome to the forums.

I'd go with Whippy and crazyml, good advice there. The Loving Dominant is a great starter read, and there are lots of other good books around. LadyPact has a thread on those at the moment, check it out. There's also some good websites, I've found a lot of sound factual info on Albany power exchange, so check that one out too.

But reading can only take you so far. You say there's no local scene ... do you know that for sure? You'd be amazed at what lurks around! So search for anyone vaguely local to you here or on Fetlife, and arrange to meet. Now note, I said ANYONE ... that means sub or Dominant, male or female ... just try to get to meet someone for a drink and a chat. Friends are where it's at early on, and as well as the relief of talking to someone else in the flesh who has the same weird thoughts as you, they can put you in touch with others. Whilst I got so far along the Dom road from academic research, My physical skills in play as a Dominant grew manyfold when I braved contacting the local scene and started going to play parties and workshops. Ultimately I ended up hosting them!

In terms of 'a package of behaviour' to be a Dom ... then no, in most "everyday bdsm" scenes there isn't. In the Leather scene there is to a point, but someone from that scene would need to comment here. Similar with Gor. Some high protocol types have quite strict rules too. So I guess you could ask anyone you make contact with whether they belong to any of those groups. Otherwise you are likely to find people in relationships that don't look particularly overtly bdsm ... not too many folks have their subbies naked and in chains 24/7 or kneeling in the shopping centre! You do need to learn about Safe Sane and Consensual (SSC) or as some prefer, Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) and that in itself will give you some info about how generally to behave in public as a responsible Dominant. Otherwise be polite and respectful! If you get invited to a play party eventually, they usually have their own rules, including not interrupting any one's scene, getting too close etc. Ask about the rules when you get invited.

It IS important to work out what kind of Dom YOU want to be, what floats your boat and what doesn't. You may thrive on micromanagement and really yearn to control every aspect of a sub's life like what she wears, when she can eat or drink, making her account for every minute of her day etc. However, be aware that takes a LOT of work on the Dom's part as well as the sub's! So the moral of the tale is - DON'T jump into demanding some form of behaviour without plenty of thought as to what it means for BOTH of you ... and the real trick is to find a sub who generally enjoys the same things as you. No point trying that with someone who hates to be managed for eg! Learn from what you read, and these forums are a great diversity of ideas and practices, but take what resonates with you and leave the rest. There really isn't ONE WAY ... other than your way that's right for you but may not be right for anyone else!

Good luck, oh, and don't be afraid to ask questions! Sometimes you'll cop a couple of replies grumbling about that, but most of us don't mind genuine questioning. However, we do eventually get pissed off if the questioner never seems to learn or just keeps asking the same question in multiple ways seeking for the answer they want to hear!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to Bravado)

Post #: 5

RE: So, how to become a proper dom? - 10/6/2010 2:17:51 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bravado

Finding a compatible partner makes it easy, but otherwise it involves a tremendous amount of tact. An effective dom is embarrassingly similar to a stage magician in that he or she must hold and control the attention of his sub and excite him or her into volunteering to tasks you assign.

I disagree wholeheartedly. Being a Dom requires being a certain way, not acting like it!

Being a Dom requires:

1. Being honest and open.
2. Knowing what you yourself want.
3. Believing you know what is best for your submissive.
4. Being willing to get her to what you think is best for her.
5. Feeling and acting controlling and possessive of her. In a good way.

If you look at that list and think that that's a lot of work, you may not be cut out to be a Dom. If you look at it and think "Well, gee. That's what I'm like naturally anyway!", you'll do just fine.

And the sex is GREAT!

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Bravado)

Post #: 6

RE: So, how to become a proper dom? - 10/6/2010 2:49:39 AM

VaguelyCurious

Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Revenge93

...that person does not have a local BDSM scene to engage in?

I always wonder when Americans say this. Are there bits of America with no local scene? Because as far as I can tell England has almost blanket coverage...

_____________________________

Sthetic on FetLife.

(in reply to Revenge93)

Post #: 7

RE: So, how to become a proper dom? - 10/6/2010 4:37:37 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

http://www.drkdesyre.com/meetppl/orgs/orgstenn.html
A couple of venues local to you are listed here.

However, most stuff does not require training. More edgy play does, but spanking someone is easily learned. Don't hit the top half of the buttocks, to avoid the tailbone, and you can't do any real damage with your hand. Or wooden spoon. Watch how hard you're hitting, ask for feedback. On a scale of one to ten in pain you want to keep your hardest strikes about a 7 and you want to start off softer to warm her up.

As far as how to establish this kind of relationship, you can only do so by asking the women you date if they're interested in a relationship where the male leads and has the power to enforce his will. Beyond that, you need to be a stand up person. Always keep your word, no matter what. If you aren't in a hospital, or someone you love isn't, then you haven't any excuse. Think things through before you make a decision. A history of bad decision making does not earn you the right to make decisions for someone else that will wind up with her jobless or homeless and without a support system. If you know you aren't good with something, money management for example, either delegate that job to your sub if she's good at it, or find someone to teach you the skills.

You get to be a leader in an interpersonal relationship in the same way you get to be one in any other situation, by being level headed and calm when others aren't, by stepping up to the plate and making decisions when no one knows what to do.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to VaguelyCurious)

Post #: 8

RE: So, how to become a proper dom? - 10/6/2010 5:03:46 AM

dananddawn

Posts: 56
Joined: 9/12/2007
Status: offline

On this message board, I'm sure you'll get a 102 answers, and only 50% conflict with each other.

So, keep it easy - get involved in your local community, find someone who you see as a Dom (or Master), and ask them to peer mentor you. At some point, you'll forget you wanted the title of "Dom" and someone will tell you "You are a good dom".

Warm regards,
Dan

_____________________________

Co-host of the Erotic Awakening podcast http://www.eroticawakening.com and authors of Living M/s http://goo.gl/cxXmh

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 9

RE: So, how to become a proper dom? - 10/6/2010 6:28:18 AM

LadyRian

Posts: 486
Joined: 9/5/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious

quote:

ORIGINAL: Revenge93

...that person does not have a local BDSM scene to engage in?

I always wonder when Americans say this. Are there bits of America with no local scene? Because as far as I can tell England has almost blanket coverage...

Yes, there are some very large bits here with either no local scene, or a pretty lame one. On the East and West coasts people are more fortunate, but even there, in the more remote areas finding a good local scene can still be several hours drive.

_____________________________

"Dodging bullets since 2010"

(in reply to VaguelyCurious)

Post #: 10

RE: So, how to become a proper dom? - 10/6/2010 7:00:23 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

http://www.drkdesyre.com/meetppl/orgs/orgstenn.html
A couple of venues local to you are listed here.

Don't hit the top half of the buttocks, to avoid the tailbone,

Tailbone and kidneys. To clarify, imagine a horizontal line from the top of the crack of her cheeks, going to her sides. Never spank above that line.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 11

RE: So, how to become a proper dom? - 10/6/2010 7:26:48 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyRian

quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious

quote:

ORIGINAL: Revenge93

...that person does not have a local BDSM scene to engage in?

I always wonder when Americans say this. Are there bits of America with no local scene? Because as far as I can tell England has almost blanket coverage...

Yes, there are some very large bits here with either no local scene, or a pretty lame one. On the East and West coasts people are more fortunate, but even there, in the more remote areas finding a good local scene can still be several hours drive.

Which, basically means, you have to look at how much you want something and are you willing to go the distance for it. My "local scene" is about a two and a half hour drive. It's worth it to Me. I also travel to at least one of the larger multiple day conferences a year. It's just a question of how badly you want something.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to LadyRian)

Post #: 12

RE: So, how to become a proper dom? - 10/6/2010 7:54:09 AM

Icarys

Posts: 5757
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Revenge93

I'm a dominant personality, but inexperienced in this lifestyle outside of some relatively tame teenage relationships, and eager to learn. I've seen some comments on being 'properly trained' by other doms, or implication that there is a certain package of behavior to learn before being able to call yourself a dom. What's the first logical step for someone who wants to explore down that road, and if that person does not have a local BDSM scene to engage in?

Get a good grip on who you are and what you like.
Experiment but take care when doing so and you'll be fine.
A little knowledge on anatomy and well honed intuitiveness doesn't hurt either.

No need to read books or go to munches if it's not your thing..Not that it would hurt to do so..It just isn't necessary.

Good luck.

_____________________________

submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

Alaska Bound-The Official Countdown Has Started!
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http://alturl.com/mog7m

(in reply to Revenge93)

Post #: 13

RE: So, how to become a proper dom? - 10/6/2010 8:04:28 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I have a minimum of a two hour drive to get to anything. Which means realistically that the dog would have had to go to the kennel, the teen would have to stay at a friend's (and I would have to feel confident that he wouldn't sneak back to party), and a $200 hotel room in Manhattan for the night.

I could probably get a cheaper room in Albany but the drive although a little shorter, is more dangerous. Deer central.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Icarys)

Post #: 14

RE: So, how to become a proper dom? - 10/6/2010 8:16:37 AM

Twoshoes

Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious

quote:

ORIGINAL: Revenge93

...that person does not have a local BDSM scene to engage in?

I always wonder when Americans say this. Are there bits of America with no local scene? Because as far as I can tell England has almost blanket coverage...

Consider this:
Canada - 2nd largest country in the world. 36th in population, most of which is distributed along the world's longest border. There is bound to be a lack of coverage somewhere. (Not here, though.)

(in reply to VaguelyCurious)

Post #: 15

RE: So, how to become a proper dom? - 10/6/2010 10:43:51 AM

strangedesire

Posts: 360
Joined: 12/23/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

http://www.drkdesyre.com/meetppl/orgs/orgstenn.html
A couple of venues local to you are listed here.

Don't hit the top half of the buttocks, to avoid the tailbone,

Tailbone and kidneys. To clarify, imagine a horizontal line from the top of the crack of her cheeks, going to her sides. Never spank above that line.

Depends on anatomy. My boytoy is long and skinny. If I'm using a belt or strap (or frat paddle, or cane, or anything else that hits both cheeks at once) I need to keep several inches below the top of the crack.

Don't be afraid to poke around and feel what's underneath the skin before you start hitting. The squishy and muscle-y part of the butt can take a lot. Bony bits are best avoided, as are parts of the body with internal organs or nerve clusters.

_____________________________

On that other site as Exegesis.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 16

RE: So, how to become a proper dom? - 10/6/2010 1:13:08 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

The other thing about topping skills, is that if you stick at first to fingers and teeth, you can't do much harm. Beyond that, pick up household items and start by hitting a pillow. If you get feathers everywhere, you were too hard. Buy a new pillow and start again. Elicit feedback and listen to it, pay attention to the sub's reactions including body language. Talk it over after and the next day or two. If it's a bad day, end the scene and cuddle instead. Then talk about it.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to strangedesire)

Post #: 17

RE: So, how to become a proper dom? - 10/7/2010 5:07:53 AM

pompeii

Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
If you get feathers everywhere, you were too hard. Buy a new pillow and start again.

Isn't that bestiality?

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 18

RE: So, how to become a proper dom? - 10/7/2010 8:56:29 AM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

A Good Dom is:

    * Trustworthy,
    * Loyal,
    * Helpful,
    * Friendly,
    * Courteous,
    * Kind,
    * Obedient,
    * Cheerful,
    * Thrifty,
    * Brave,
    * Clean,
    * and Reverent.

Good Dom Motto

Be Prepared!

You should always be ready to jump into action and hand out a good erotic spanking to all those in need!

Good Dom Slogan

Do a Good Turn Daily!

When asking submissives "have you had your spankings yet today", you should have your knee and hand at the ready to do them a good turn if required.

The Good Dom Oath

On my honor, I will do my best
To do my duty to God and my country and to obey the Good Dom Law;
To help spank submissives at all times;
To keep myself physically strong, mentally sharp so I am aware of those who need spankings and fit enough to give them one.

references
http://www.scouting.org/Youth.aspx

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to pompeii)

Post #: 19

RE: So, how to become a proper dom? - 10/7/2010 7:22:51 PM

Twoshoes

Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline

Aside being a responsible human being (and wannabe boyscout),
I believe I have learned most of what it means to be a Dom from Trance songs:

"You're mine...
so why don't you just give in."
"We'll take it all the way,
all the way...
leave nothing to chance."

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

Post #: 20

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