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Need a little help dealing with insanity - 9/5/2010 9:23:24 PM   
DisenchantedLife


Posts: 193
Status: offline 		Hi,

I've had a tough year. I dont talk to anyone. Really I cut ppl off. I mostly did so, because they werent helping at all. There was no understanding - no support. 9 months ago my mom died after being diagnosised out of the blue with terminal lung cancer. She was given 3 months and lived 6 months. We were best friends. I spent 6 months caring for her. Of course. I wouldnt have given it up for the world. At the same time - it was killing me, watching the cancer kill her. Good god it kills me. 9 months later and I still feel the insanity of it all threatening to come down on me. I keep it at bay, but its wearing. We lived with my mom. She had lupus and we helped each other. 2 weeks after my mother died my father and his family flew in from all over the world to "help". Help ment follow my older brother's wishes and find us another place to live where we couldnt keep most of our family pets, a change of elementry schools was needed, and a 6 yrs in our neighborhood was gone. I pretty much sum it up that our life was destroyed. We lost everything. We didnt have too. We could of stayed in our home. I was "co - owner" with the will in all. 2 days before my mother died, my brother looked at me and said "the only way to get over this is to start getting over it now". There was absolutetly no understanding on how my lil ones and i felt. No understanding on the magnitutde of our loss. Hell my father and step mother wanted me NOT to put some of the xmas gifts my mother got my lil ones under the tree. (she passed dec 15). And of all ppl - my step mother and father slept in my mothers bed while they were there. Insanity.

2 months ago - our family dog of 6 years... great dog. Was hit by a semi in front of my lil ones and me. Also traumatic. I tried to stop it before it would happen - but was only able to get there in time for her to die in my arms.

I've pretty much got no one. A friend who wonders how I'm sane and only advice is that she wouldnt be sane in my spot. Not helpful to talk to. Because I am holding it together. I have to. I hold it together on the outside for the lil ones. I do my best to make their lives easier, all of this easier. I bring as much happiness to their lives as I can. I might want to scream, rant, rave, go throw myself off a cliff, but I dont. I've worked really hard helping them through. They seem to be ok. But i'm not. I'm still not ok. I dont know how to get ok. I cant cope with my mother dead. The first few months - to me she was away on another of her trips. She loved to travel. I've pretty much found a way to escape the facts. Sometimes I cant. Sometimes I have to just ignore the whole issue.

So, I've been struggling for 9 months now. With lil input from others. I kind of just hate ppl. I've become bitter, angry, a bitch.. all sorts of lovely things. I could care less what anyone has to say. Generally speaking. But while I've been keeping my family a float, I'm drowning. And I know that if i'm drowning the family will end up drowning too. I cant have that happen. Guess I cant do this alone. Been trying my damndest. So my kids father has moved in. Which is another difficult situation/change. Its good, it helps, but its hhhhhhhhhhhhhhard. I want to scream half the time. But when we argue and it comes down to "its not working out" I dont want him to go. Its really insanity. I feel overly possessive of everything in my house. Most of its my mothers and lemme tell you I did my best to cram 3000 sq feet of stuff in to this tiny 1200 sq foot place. I know i have to compromise. I need to make room so he can move his stuff in........ but i dont want to do anything with the stuff i have here. Than of course, he's Dominant and i'm submissive. But that doesnt always work well either. Cos I'm used to my way, being independent all that jazz and now I have to try and do it some one elses way. On issues I cant budge, he doesnt push... but it doesnt make things easy. And of course My parenting is differnet than his... so thats another thing I have to moniter.

So i'm trying to navigate all of this insanity. The insanity started for me the day at the doc's office when my mom was being diagnosised and didnt seem affected at all by it. I was crying and upset, not her and the doc kept looking at me - talking to me. I was the one who had to go back to the doc and double check the whole "no cure" thing. Insanity started that day for me. Hasnt gotten better since. I've got to make it through for them. Every day, I wish it was not Mom who had cancer but me. Should have been me. It wasnt though. I dont have my mom here anymore to ask advice from. I'm not gonna go to some complete stranger, look them in the eye and say this crap either. I can barely admit it to myself, much less look at another numan face and say "i'm losing my mind". Guess I'm back to asking the complete strangers of CM who only know what I say in a post - for advice.

How do I stop going insane? Better yet - has anyone else been through this and what did YOU do to get through?

_____________________________

I'm pretty sure I've turned into a bitter bitch with a huge shovel. One of these days I'm going to exchange the shovel for a hoe
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RE: Need a little help dealing with insanity - 9/5/2010 9:51:35 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I'm sorry for your loss and troubles but I think the first place for you to start is to see a therapist or a spiritual advisor who can talk to you and give you healthy ways to cope with it all.

When I lost my husband I pretty much lost my entire world. I lost friends, family, the military family that I had grown accustomed to, etc...I had a young child and was basically left alone to fend for myself. The only way I got through it was through a therapist and God.

I think it's a good place to start and they can steer you in other directions so that you and your family can start over again.

I wish you the best of luck.




(in reply to DisenchantedLife)
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RE: Need a little help dealing with insanity - 9/5/2010 10:00:31 PM   
hlen5


Posts: 5890
Joined: 3/2/2008
Status: offline 		I'm so very sorry for all the upheaval in your life.

My Mom died of cancer within 6 months of her diagnosis (nearly 7 years ago). It was bad, but my siblings and I cooperated and made the best of things. My Father was difficult and nearly lost it.

I'm sorry you feel you have no in the flesh person you can talk to. You've rejected the thought of counselling, but have you considered a grief support group? The members have all suffered loss in their lives. I hear you say you've got to keep it together for your family, but you need to take care of yourself so you can stay useful to them.

Please consider if not counselling, at least a support group. I'll say a prayer for you.

_____________________________



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(in reply to DisenchantedLife)
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RE: Need a little help dealing with insanity - 9/5/2010 10:12:11 PM   
Rule


Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline 		Have you grieved? It is my impression that you have not. Take some time out to grieve; your ex can take care of your dependents during that time.

Grieve about and forgive your relatives as well. What is done is done; let it go.

Stop being negative for it attracts disaster.

Yes, do get professional help. Call your physician (do not accept medication), call your priest, call a social worker, talk to your (ex-)neighbors. You URGENTLY require professional help, in my opinion. (Before you do something extremely stupid.)

(in reply to DisenchantedLife)
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RE: Need a little help dealing with insanity - 9/5/2010 10:42:06 PM   
Tantriqu


Posts: 2026
Joined: 12/29/2006
Status: offline 		You ARE clinically depressed, so absolutely, see your doctor, and accept that you MIGHT need medication to help you over this. Yes, you DO need counselling, not only to help you and your children cope with the loss, but to help you learn to voice your opinion at an appropriate time then stop fixating on past mistakes by yourself and others.
We're all at an age where we lose parents; our parents didn't bring us up to give up when they stopped; they brought us up to carry on with life, your own and your children's.
Call an anonymous hotline right now or when you feel crummy at 2am, and get some names of docs who specialise in grief and family counselling.
Good luck

(in reply to Rule)
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RE: Need a little help dealing with insanity - 9/5/2010 10:47:58 PM   
gungadin09


Posts: 3232
Joined: 3/19/2010
Status: offline 		i talked to people. i wrote threads. i wrote in my journal. i took long walks at night listening to really dramatic music until i came home, emotionally drained and exhausted. i wrote and wrote and wrote.

pam

(in reply to Tantriqu)
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RE: Need a little help dealing with insanity - 9/5/2010 10:48:20 PM   
WhipsAndGiggles


Posts: 29
Joined: 10/26/2009
Status: offline 		I sent you some mail.

(in reply to DisenchantedLife)
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RE: Need a little help dealing with insanity - 9/5/2010 10:55:17 PM   
SassySouthrnLady


Posts: 51
Joined: 7/11/2010
From: Southeast Missouri
Status: offline 		I'm so sorry for your loss. My mother was diagnosed with lung cancer and we lost her in three months. It's been 3 yrs. and it's still hard. It was hard. I went to my dr and got medication. I went to therapy, and I did whatever I could do to make it through each day. One day at a time.

Keeping myself occupied, helped me to pass time and time is what brought a sense of normalcy back to my life.

_____________________________

If my words can reach to the depths of passion and ignite a flame, then I have reached my goal as a writer. ~me

www.appetitesofpleasure.com


(in reply to DisenchantedLife)
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RE: Need a little help dealing with insanity - 9/5/2010 11:15:06 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		You need a bit of time, and a good stress relief session.

{{{{Hugs}}}}


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to SassySouthrnLady)
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RE: Need a little help dealing with insanity - 9/5/2010 11:43:35 PM   
gungadin09


Posts: 3232
Joined: 3/19/2010
Status: offline 		Who says you have to DEAL with insanity? i'm okay with my insanity.

pam

(in reply to DisenchantedLife)
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RE: Need a little help dealing with insanity - 9/5/2010 11:43:44 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

.........and good stress relief session.

{{{{Hugs}}}}



please tell me you're joking. Sorry but the last thing she needs is a "session" unless you're talking about one with a grief counselor or spiritual advisor.

To the op, please do not use bdsm as your therapy.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
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RE: Need a little help dealing with insanity - 9/6/2010 1:41:29 AM   
Hippiekinkster


Posts: 5512
Joined: 11/20/2007
From: Liechtenstein
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

.........and good stress relief session.

{{{{Hugs}}}}



please tell me you're joking. Sorry but the last thing she needs is a "session" unless you're talking about one with a grief counselor or spiritual advisor.

To the op, please do not use bdsm as your therapy.
Don't make assumptions. A good massage session can do wonders for one's head.

To the OP: While I've not had the extreme loss you are now in bereavement over, I lost my dog 4 months ago. I still get teary-eyed thinking about him. I can't imagine what you are going through. All I can say is that your grief is normal, and there is no time limit on it. Your brother is a douchebag for even suggesting such a thing.

I understand about becoming a recluse. Often, most peoples' well-meaning advice causes more pain than if they'd just kept their fucking mouths shut. Avoiding that bullshit is a self-protective response. I do it too. I'm lucky in that I have a few people (like Greedy Top) who call me out of the blue and cheer me up without trying to "cheer me up", if you know what I mean.

It'll all work out. It always does. I'm not sure it's wise to be complicating things by co-habitating, but only you know what you need.


_____________________________

"We are convinced that freedom w/o Socialism is privilege and injustice, and that Socialism w/o freedom is slavery and brutality." Bakunin

“Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone; therefore we are saved by love.” Reinhold Ne

(in reply to littlewonder)
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RE: Need a little help dealing with insanity - 9/6/2010 4:12:43 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		OP.. I am in the camp of seek counseling, whether it's grief support groups, spiritual, or therapy.  medication may be needed.  Sometimes, things are too much, and there is no shame in seeking an outside entity to help learn how to cope and eventually thrive.

I am truly sorry to hear of your pain. By all means, allow yourself to grieve.


(as an aside.. HK.. I am so sorry to hear of the furbaby's passing.. I'll try to call again soon)

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to Hippiekinkster)
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RE: Need a little help dealing with insanity - 9/6/2010 4:30:53 AM   
Nineveh


Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

.........and good stress relief session.

{{{{Hugs}}}}



please tell me you're joking. Sorry but the last thing she needs is a "session" unless you're talking about one with a grief counselor or spiritual advisor.

To the op, please do not use bdsm as your therapy.


Maybe I'm weird, but beating someone always helps me with my grief.  I assumed it worked the same way on the other side of the kneel.

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Need a little help dealing with insanity - 9/6/2010 5:12:34 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Nineveh

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

.........and good stress relief session.

{{{{Hugs}}}}



please tell me you're joking. Sorry but the last thing she needs is a "session" unless you're talking about one with a grief counselor or spiritual advisor.

To the op, please do not use bdsm as your therapy.


Maybe I'm weird, but beating someone always helps me with my grief.  I assumed it worked the same way on the other side of the kneel.




Using bdsm as therapy doesn't not fix the problem. It only helps you to forget about it for awhile. It's not any different than medicating yourself with alcohol or drugs. What

What she needs is a professional counselor of some sorts.

This isn't something that you just take a beating and or get a massage or go for a walk and it's all better.

Grief is not something you fix with bdsm and as far as I'm concerned it's a horrible horrible idea.


(in reply to Nineveh)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Need a little help dealing with insanity - 9/6/2010 5:19:56 AM   
CynthiaWVirginia


Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline 		It wasn't my mother, by my neighbor and dear friend needed my daily care when she got cancer and it took her almost a year to die.  She passed away two Dec. 24ths ago.  It took me a year to feel half way normal again as my entire life had revolved around serving her, and seeing to it that she was as comfortable and as entertained as was possible.  I still felt that nothing I did had been enough, and when I looked back on that time all I saw were the times I failed her by mistake.  I almost went to my family doctor and asked for some anti-depressants to get through it...if you need to do this, it's okay.  Do what you can to get through this time and take care of yourself.  Grieving cannot be hurried, but takes it's own time.  Be kind to yourself, force some happy things into your life daily even if it is only a stroll and looking at flowers and clouds and flowers in supermarkets.  It's okay to cry and to miss her so very much.  It is okay to feel lost, too.  These feelings are temporary and will fade over time until memories you have of her will feel like...a hug.  You had happy times with her...she would want you to remember these about her as well, not just the terrible time you both went through before she had to leave you.   

I needed time to grieve, and then to take my life back again where it was my OWN life.  I had almost forgotten how to do that.  When I woke up, somehow I thought it was time to play with Carin's dogs, or go mow Carin's grass...when I was in stores, I almost put the things she could eat into my grocery cart...when I saw books, I almost bought more to read out loud to Carin.  You might be like me, and have all these memories coming up every few moments at first.  I cannot even blow bubbles without remembering the time I visited Carin and blew them all in the air over her blanket, watching her face when they popped and she asked if I smelled grape (the bubbles were grape flavored). 

When she passed, I missed her so much...and at the same time I hated myself for being so glad that it was finally over.  I hated walking into that nursing home every single day.  The smell in the air made me nauseated.  The first Christmas a day after her death was horrible.  The next one was too.  I couldn't get into the spirit at all.  This year...I will.  We are going to have a good Christmas this year because I know I am finally up to it.

Someone here at CM who used to come into the message boards, bearly2001, helped me recognise and visualize something that helped me get through survivor's guilt.  I had been having especially evil panic attacks that I had never had before.  I have had cancer and still have my portacath in and have to get shots of heparin about every 6 weeks to keep it unclogged, and...I can taste the heparin.  With these panic attacks, suddenly I tasted the heparin and had intense nausea at the same time.  The trigger?  My red roses were all in bloom and Carin preferred me to bring her those in the hospital instead of store bought ones.  I was to look at her picture and say, "I did the best for you, my friend" and did this several times per day, every day whenever I started feeling guilty or depressed...and from that day I didn't get any more nausea spells.  People can help you through this time.  Turn to them.  This is one of the support group sites that bearly2001 found for me.  Nobody will understand your pain better than ones who are going through it themselves.

http://www.dailystrength.org/support-groups 
For a list of online support groups.  I would suggest the bereavement group (12,436 members), and the family and friends of cancer patients one.  I did not see one for survivor's guilt.

This is the link for the bereavement group:
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Bereavement/support-group 

After my sister-in-law's hubby died, her family doctor put her on some meds for a few months to help her deal with the grief.  Everyone needs help sometimes...don't be afraid to turn to them and ask. 

My favorite aunt died this January...and I am making a memory book for her daughter, my cousin who is more like a little sister to me.  I have never made a pretty scrap book of memories before, and I am doing it to honor her so that details of happy memories are not slowly erased by time.

Visit her grave, talk to her like she can still hear you and spill out everything...bring flowers or whatever you need to do.  I used to chew my stepfather out a little once he was gone, and with Carin, I bring flowers, light insence (she liked that), bought candles of her favorite smell...lily of the valley.  Some days, all I do is stand silent and blow grape smelling bubbles over the grass.

Hang in there.  You are supposed to feel insane right now...it means that you loved her and miss her a lot.  Everyone should be so lucky as to be loved so much that they are dearly missed when they are gone.  She was lucky to have you for her child.

(Now go get some help...she wouldn't want to see you suffering so much.)

(in reply to DisenchantedLife)
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RE: Need a little help dealing with insanity - 9/6/2010 5:20:41 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Call Hospice, explain that you need grief therapy, ask if they have one or a list of people. Go do the grief work.

The over full house is also very stressful. I wouldn't ask you to get rid of all of it, but to box up the stuff you aren't using and put into the garage, into a storage unit, etc until you do feel able to sort through stuff.

Remember that your mother loved you and wanted you to go on in life, to live as well as you can and to be happy. You need to take steps to honor her wishes in this.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Need a little help dealing with insanity - 9/6/2010 5:33:38 AM   
purepleasure


Posts: 6941
Joined: 4/9/2004
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline 		i agree with littlewonder.

The first step is to find a qualified professional or support group, to help with those times that the reality is so overwhelming.

To the OP, it does get better. I lost my mother almost 3 years ago to uterine/cervical cancer, she was diagnosed July 4th weekend, and passed away Thanksgiving weekend of the same year.

As far as disposing of your mother's possessions, this does not and will not happen over night. I found it easiest to begin with her clothes, and donated them. I still have alot of her glass dishes, as many happy memories are associated with the various pieces. When I'm ready, certain pieces will go the family member associated with its use.


_____________________________

Patience, grasshopper.

Your stupidity does not impress me.

blame it on your hormones!!! - beerbug aka ydd

(in reply to littlewonder)
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RE: Need a little help dealing with insanity - 9/6/2010 5:53:37 AM   
JstAnotherSub


Posts: 6174
Status: offline 		This may sound smartassed, but i do not mean it to be that way.  It is sincerely what worked for me.

Quit fighting the insanity.  Quit fighting the grief.  Cry when you want to, don't feel guilty about becoming a hermit, and just let the emotions you have flow naturally.  Fighting them is futile.

Eventually, you will see a light at the end of the tunnel, and it won't be the train coming to run you over. 

If you don't begin to feel better in a few months, go see a shrink and consider better living through pharmacuticals for a while.

Life piles shit up over our heads sometimes, but that old saying, that which doesn't kill me only makes me stronger, is really true...

Good luck.

eta it took me 4 years to get rid of the stuff of moms I kept after she died.  I figured I would rather regret keeping something that I would getting rid of something.....take your time.

< Message edited by JstAnotherSub -- 9/6/2010 5:55:47 AM >

_____________________________

yep

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RE: Need a little help dealing with insanity - 9/6/2010 6:05:41 AM   
CynthiaWVirginia


Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline
quote:

2 days before my mother died, my brother looked at me and said "the only way to get over this is to start getting over it now". There was absolutetly no understanding on how my lil ones and i felt. No understanding on the magnitutde of our loss. Hell my father and step mother wanted me NOT to put some of the xmas gifts my mother got my lil ones under the tree. (she passed dec 15). And of all ppl - my step mother and father slept in my mothers bed while they were there. Insanity.


This teed me off so much I had to walk away from the computer to even think about it straight.  The way your brother dealt with it may or may not be right for him in the long run...but for how you deal with it was your call to make, not his.  His decision made things worse for you, no matter how good his intentions were.  If you need to unload this on him, let him know now that it was NOT what you needed.  I know you were numb with grief and more easily led by others at that time...but your father and stepmother had no say in anything to do with your mother or your kids.  You know what is right for your own little family.  As for the bed...mild mannered as I am, I think I would have blown a gasket anyway and become a human torch and tossed them out on their arses.  How can anyone be so crass! 

Sorry about your dog...

quote:

Every day, I wish it was not Mom who had cancer but me. Should have been me.

It is funny that you would say this.  I think I understand your mother.  I was also very calm when I was diagnosed...because I was so grateful it was me instead of my kid.  Think about that for a moment.

Why should it have been you?  If mine comes back for the 5th time and my son ever says something like that to me...I'm going to have a long, stern talk with him.  He is my heart, and I would never want him to curl up and die if I am not here anymore.  I would not want him to remain a broken person unable to find joy in the sunshine on his skin, the wind in his hair...and in other people.  You...are your mother's living legacy...more important than all the stuff she left behind.

When my father died, my sister took care of everything and brought his stuff back with her to Texas.  She had divorced and moved from a big house into a two bedroom apartment and it just wouldn't fit...so she rented a small, cheap storage space.  Maybe you can look into this.  Please get some counseling, even if it is only through that support group at first...and get some anti-depressants from even a doctor at some clinic. 

My sister lived with insensitive people (before the divorce) who didn't help her with her grieving and the result was a nervous breakdown...had a padded room for a while until they stabilized her with the right medicine cocktail.  Don't be like my sister...get some help now.  You need a support system...a safety net.  You know your mother would want you to do this...to take care of her little girl (you).  Feel free to write me on the other side.

(in reply to DisenchantedLife)
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