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RE: how we process emotions? - 9/2/2010 5:03:40 PM   
SorceressJ


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Joined: 7/24/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

I might regret posting this, but here goes anyway...

I have a couple of triggers that he has been slowly working through. Before explaining this I will give some background about our relationship. One is that we have built an extremely solid foundation and one of the core things that I hold onto is that he will not do anything to me that he knows will emotionally harm me. When bad shit happens, that is the rock that keeps me going. I know who he is at his core; I know his integrity and honour and I know that what is most important to him is our relationship between the three of us.

Another aspect of our relationship is that he will do what he wants whether I like it or not. The only thing that will keep him from doing what he wants is if he thinks that it will harm me or our relationship or if it gets him a reaction that he does not want. He has complete authority over my life and as a sadist he really enjoys fucking with things that I don't like or that make me cry.

Between us there is a significant level of trust and we are very transparent with each other in who we are, what we think and how we feel. There is a strong foundation in our relationship that allows him to push the edges in play and sex.

One of my triggers is spanking with a paddle. With the first smack I am sobbing; it takes me to the head space of being a bad girl because I have done something wrong and that is very emotional for me. He can spank me with a knife/short sword, his hand, a bbq brush and numerous other things, but there is just something about the feel of a paddle that puts me in the wrong emotional space. When he decides to use a paddle on me he will continually tell me what a good girl I am and how proud he is of me.

The other thing that helps is that I have my shit together, for lack of a better phrase. I understand my mental processes and emotions really well and my analytical brain helps me process things that result in positive outcomes rather than just falling to pieces. I have been through therapy and have had them tell me "You don't need me anymore", so he is pretty confidant that with the foundation that we have built and the strength of my core than he can push these limits and I will not be harmed.

If you want to push the edge, then start by building a strong core foundation of your relationship first.

Knight's Kyra


I just have to say.. wow, that this is one of the most insightful, intelligent, well-written posts by any person of any designation that I have had the distinct pleasure to read; I have highlighted my favorite parts, and had to restrain myself (*ahem*) from highlighting the whole damn thing.
My kudos, little sister, and to your Master with you. Srsly. )O(

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‎Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc. <93>)O(

(in reply to kyraofMists)
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RE: how we process emotions? - 9/2/2010 5:24:08 PM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		I don't think I have seen this mentioned. If so, I will humbly withdraw. If not, perhaps this will be of some help.

I saw someone before say that they like things broken. While there might be value to that, I prefer to do (or have done) some fixing. I know enought about psychology to know when I can help, and when things are beyond me. Apparently on your own it isn't working.

You say she has sought therapy for 5 years. My thought, without making it as difficult as starting all over from scratch, is to seek out a 'scene-friendly' psychologist. For instance, assuming her current doctor is not scene-friendly, if she tries to get into BDSM related issues, her doctor's own prejudices might be such that she doesn't get the type of attention she needs, or her therapy could take a bad turn.

A scene-friendly doctor will not only be able to address the same vanilla-ish issues that any other doctor could, but also better touch on the sorts of issues that you are bringing to us here. Of course, this has to be with her consent and honesty to the doctor as well. If this is an issue she doesn't want to get into, then it doesn't much matter, does it?

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to SorceressJ)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: how we process emotions? - 9/2/2010 7:41:28 PM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		Something that he wanted me to add in addition to my post:

He will not take an action unless he has complete confidence that he will not cause harm to me or our relationship. If there is any doubt in his mind that the action might cause harm, then he doesn't do it. He pushes Alandra and I in play, but he does it with the confidence in himself that he will not cause harm and that if a landmine is triggered he has the confidence that we can move past it.

There are really two parts to it. One is mine and Alandra's confidence in him that he will not intentionally harm us and two is his confidence in himself that he will not take an action if there is any doubt of harming us. Confidence in ourselves and each other helps get us through the landmines when we step on them and when he wants to play with them.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

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RE: how we process emotions? - 9/2/2010 7:47:01 PM   
Whiplashsmile4


Posts: 2305
Joined: 12/2/2008
Status: offline 		Let me see if I understand this right, you're dealing with somebody who's neural pathways were developed and wired to make then shut down (go into a catatonic protective mode) when slapped. You're thinking it's a simple matter of them getting past negative emotions from the past?

< Message edited by Whiplashsmile4 -- 9/2/2010 7:49:20 PM >

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RE: how we process emotions? - 9/2/2010 7:51:31 PM   
Twoshoes


Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline 		You can do it, but you really shouldn't unless you're a therapist who is objectively trying to help.

That's why I erased my actual explanation.

And that's why I hope no one else gives the OP advice regarding psychology.

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RE: how we process emotions? - 9/2/2010 7:56:58 PM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SorceressJ
I just have to say.. wow, that this is one of the most insightful, intelligent, well-written posts by any person of any designation that I have had the distinct pleasure to read; I have highlighted my favorite parts, and had to restrain myself (*ahem*) from highlighting the whole damn thing.
My kudos, little sister, and to your Master with you. Srsly. )O(



Thank you for the compliment. Emotions and behaviors is a topic that I am quite passionate about.

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to SorceressJ)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: how we process emotions? - 9/30/2010 4:48:22 AM   
Acer49


Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: medievalbdsm

hi all,

having a new slave girli've encountered a problem i've never had before. now i have a lot of experience in this lifestyle with all sorts of subs, slaves, etc. but right now the thing with this slave is she's stuck and her emotional barriers keep her from being free - letting go completely. a slap even a very gentle one will make her almost catatonic. we've talked long and hard about this and in short when she was little her mother used to slap her and her father slapped around her mother. anyways a slap makes her lost somehow. i've only done it once before i knew this would happen and since tried everything to release her emotions. i'd like her to get all this crap out because its not healthy to carry it around.

what can i try to help her get over this? we function very well together but i feel she needs to overcome this.


This is a situation that needs to be dealt with by a professional. I do think there are many ways one can learn to release
their emotions other than being someones punching bag. I find it very odd that an individual who claims to be experienced, made such a newbe mistake.


_____________________________

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
Harvey Fierstein

(in reply to medievalbdsm)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: how we process emotions? - 9/30/2010 6:23:01 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14449
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: medievalbdsm

i'm not saying i can do it. all i'm doing is seeking advice from others who might have encountered this sort of prolem. and isn't it good for her that she overcomes her issues? 
Yes, it would be good for her to overcome her issues. You are NOT qualified to deal with someone that disassociates. You actuallly could be causing the condition to worsen. Please leave this to a professional.

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The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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Profile   Post #: 48
RE: how we process emotions? - 9/30/2010 11:30:34 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		OP - this response is something of a curate's egg... first you say this...

quote:

ORIGINAL: medievalbdsm

its strange how a person looking for advice is suddenly a bad guy. since when is seeking advice bad???

i like it, pretty much anyone i had a meaningful realtionship with enjoyed it as well and if possible it would be great if i could enjoy it with my new slave - if both could enjoy it.


And, yes - I'm with you on this. You've made it clear you're not planning to slap her willy nilly and you're looking for advice - You deserve kudos for that.

quote:


and just for the record i made a good career out of succeeding where others failed. so who knows maybe the doc she's been seeing knows jack shit. and yeah maybe i can help her.


Then, and I'm just sayin it how I see it, this bit made my jackass detector go off big style.

It may well be that it's going to take a lot more than five years to help your sub resolve things, it may be that her current therapy (or therapist isn't working out for her). Perhaps you should go to a session or two with her? Perhaps you should review with her how she feels her therapy is going. If she decides that she doesn't feel it's working, then look around for another therapist. If your partner identifies as a survivor of physical abuse, there may be groups/therapists that are focussed on abuse-survivors.

I'm assuming that your partner is seeing a qualified therapist, and in that case unless you're a qualified counsellor, therapist or (preferably) Psychiatrist, then I think there's a reasonable likelihood that the person she's seeing is likely to be more knowledgeable, qualified and experienced than you. That said - I've friends who've had very mixed experiences with therapists and therapy and at least one of them would say that in her opinion all them are useless fuckwits.

To your OP - Perhaps, perhaps, you could help her accept a slapping - perhaps by introducing it slowly and gently but you know - I'm utterly unqualified to suggest anything - particularly as her reaction seems so intense.

If I were you - I'd just leave it, and celebrate all the other reasons she's a fantastic partner.

Good luck.

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

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RE: how we process emotions? - 9/30/2010 11:38:29 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Zevar
Rule # 1] If it’s broken don’t try to fix it.

Rule # 2] If it’s fixed don’t try to break it so you can fix it.


I completely disagree with Rule #1 - Of course if your partner has an issue, or a challenge you should try to fix it - The key is how you go about it. Perhaps it would be better stated as "Don't try to fix things that you're not qualified to fix". I used to fix pretty much any problem that occurred with my first car when it broke down, but now - I know I'm not qualified to deal with the mess of electronics and "techiness" that lies under the hood - so these days if it's under the hood I'll take it straight to the garage - if it's a flat tyre though - hell sure I'll fix it..

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Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

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RE: how we process emotions? - 9/30/2010 5:02:38 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Something no one has mentioned is that perhaps she should be evaluated by a psychiatrist or a psychopharmocologist to see if medication might be useful. It can help along with therapy in cases of PTSD.

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: how we process emotions? - 9/30/2010 5:29:50 PM   
samboct


Posts: 1817
Joined: 1/17/2007
Status: offline 		To the OP-

Let me throw out something of a different perspective.

Since you volunteered to be her therapist (a very bad idea- you can be a friend or a lover, but a shrink? Nope...as noted by some previous posters) this suggests that perhaps her therapy is not doing well. This is a real possibility since unfortunately, a lot of therapists are not well trained. Depending on where you live, well trained therapists are generally members of the American Psychoanalytic Association. Feel free to visit their website- there should be some suggestions for finding a good shrink.

The other possibility is that she does have a good therapist, and there's just a lot going on. That means that your misguided offer to play shrink is your bad idea.

Sam


< Message edited by samboct -- 9/30/2010 5:31:30 PM >

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RE: how we process emotions? - 9/30/2010 5:42:37 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: medievalbdsm

okay people i know you mean well but i'm not slapping her. it was once before i knew this would happen. ok therapy what good could come out of it. she has been doing it for like 5 years and it hasn't done much so far. if anyone knows a good doc it'd be nice to recommend him/her.


How about this as an idea...if therapy has not worked for 5 years, perhaps this is not something she feels is so iimportant she should devote 60 minutes per session to discuss. 

How about you either stop discussing ways to change her and be with her if you care about her, or, go find another sub to slap who actually likes it.


< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 9/30/2010 5:43:11 PM >

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RE: how we process emotions? - 9/30/2010 6:03:35 PM   
samboct


Posts: 1817
Joined: 1/17/2007
Status: offline 		Oops-I just saw that you're in the UK. Gack- English psychiatry is in worse shape than the US- and that's saying a lot.

Assuming you can't go to France- then your best bet is to look for an analyst locally, but I have no ideas of how to find one in the UK. Actually- scratch that- I do. Ask your doc and she should ask her doc. Hopefully, one of your physicians will know someone who can deal with what may be a treatment failure. You're looking for a psychoanalyst- they have the most training of any mental health professional. Odds are it matters not whether they're a psychiatrist, psychologist or social worker.

Also- the kink aspect is utterly irrelevant. A brief digression if I may. A mother once wrote to Sigmund Freud and asked if he could help with her son, who was homosexual. Freud's response was that since he didn't view homosexuality as an illness, there was nothing he could do and urged the mother to accept the son for who he was. I suspect that kink stuff is largely going to go the same way- its not an illness so it can't be treated. It's just a taste.

Cheers,

Sam

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RE: how we process emotions? - 9/30/2010 6:08:25 PM   
Twoshoes


Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline 		This thread is really old and he's probably not coming back to read it - FYI.

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RE: how we process emotions? - 10/1/2010 3:42:50 AM   
CaringandReal


Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Twoshoes

The second you become someone's therapist, you cannot have any type of relationship with them. It is that manipulative. And when people get manipulated in relationships, some of them might take 6 months to figure out what happened, but eventually and invariably, they resent you.



Untrue in all cases; true in most, including the one presented here.

It works fine when the dominant is an expert or brilliant therapist and also is extraordinarily selfless. This is such a rare combination that it's barely worth mentioning, although I did happily bathe in it for a decade and a half. His selflessness, besides helping me in all sorts of other ways, had another strong side benefit: it helped me after his death to quickly recognize the motives of others from very little information. All I have to do is compare what they say or do to what I know he would have done in their 'stead and I know who I am dealing with--fast. Or I can observe my full emotional/mental response to someone and compare it to my former response to him: this also tells me a great deal, although I trust it less as it is more subjective. The traditional word for this sort of thing is a touchstone. It was his legacy to me, and is far more valuable, than any money, security, or even friends/family would have been.

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RE: how we process emotions? - 10/1/2010 7:31:07 AM   
MIsabelah


Posts: 57
Joined: 9/7/2010
Status: offline 		I do not believe any dominant or submissive who is a therapist should be using therapuetic techiques on a D/s partner. If the D/s partner has mental & emotional issues- let them seek therapy outside of the relationship. Because any professional who "psychs" their partner will eventually have their partner resent them for doing so. Someone has a trigger don't trigger them and tell them to get some help for it.

< Message edited by MIsabelah -- 10/1/2010 7:42:52 AM >

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RE: how we process emotions? - 10/1/2010 2:11:48 PM   
submitting4U


Posts: 64
Joined: 8/16/2010
Status: offline 		Subspace and the physicality in BDSM are developmental regressions to earlier times in one's life. For folks who have been traumatized, extreme repressed reactions are quite common. PTSD, much in the news today is this type of reaction. Aggressive play can trigger these emotive responses and yes, they can be quite extreme ... Furthermore, wanting and needing to receive punishment as in BDSM, is a repetition script of earlier psychological trauma, not often known to the players. This is why, safe play practices should be discussed and choreographed, especially with trauma victims ...

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RE: how we process emotions? - 10/1/2010 3:22:31 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		~FR~

An abusive past and a trigger that five years of therapy hasn't been able to fix?  It may be something you are going to have to accept as a part of her.  Some boundaries are out of our control to cross.  This may be one of those for her.

That being said, I have/had a trigger that we wanted to work on.  There are two things that have to work in tandum on an abuse trigger in order for there to be progress.  EXTREMELY SLOW exposure to the trigger is one.  Do NOT slap her right now.  Caress her cheek instead, smile, and keep her feeling safe and loved, even laugh together some.  Ever so slowly increase the firmness and very careful slip from silliness or affection to something harder, but DO NOT get in a rush and allow her all the time and exposures she needs to become completely comfortable with one level before going to the next.  If you move too soon, back down again.  The other part is what you do IF you move too fast and she can't handle it.  Learn about grounding methods and how to bring her focus back to you, the present, and to recognize when she's slipping and differentiate between what is real and what is past memories.  These memories can be very real, down to actually sensing with all five senses as well as feeling emotionally everything that happened years ago.  It is extremely vivid.  It is hard to ignore and even harder to not respond to the clear physical and emotional messages those memories and flashbacks carry.

I see the thread is not entirely new, so hopefully this is not an issue currently by either avoidance (more recommended) or in process and subsiding (less recommended, but a hypothetical possibility).

lovingpet 


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If you put your head into more, you'd have to put your back into less. ~Me

10 Fluffy pts.


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