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Open versus closed lifestyle - 8/23/2010 1:08:43 AM

Nehemiah

Posts: 70
Joined: 6/21/2010
Status: offline

I find that when I try to conceal things about myself, it comes back and bites me on the ass. That is one of the reasons why I try to maintain an open lifestyle. That's why at my job when I ask for time off, I'll let my supervisor know that I"m going to a BDSM event or fetish party and I'll need the time off to get ready. I've also told my family that I was into BDSM and sometimes I will be dating a Dominatrix or some other type of sex worker. Some in my family I can tell directly, others I will let the message trickle through others and when they ask me to confirm what they had heard, I will.

If my mom comes over and she wants to straighten up and she goes for my toy bag, I'm able to say "Don't look in there mom, that's where I keep my sex toys." She doesn't need to know every specific detail but it just makes me feel more comfortable and I don't have to deal with people trying to probe for little clues and jumping to some weird conclusion. It's out there, it's finished. No more questions need to be asked.

How do others handle the choices of being open as opposed to keeping all the details and the lifestyle in the closet?

Post #: 1

RE: Open versus closed lifestyle - 8/23/2010 1:23:34 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

I'm pretty damn open. My folks have found our sex toys, his folks have set us down to talk to us about kink and if I consider myself to be a modern woman.

I wouldn't dream of telling my boss that I was attending a kink event though. My sex life/relationship/lifestyle isn't their buisness. I'd just tell them I need the time off.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to Nehemiah)

Post #: 2

RE: Open versus closed lifestyle - 8/23/2010 1:44:19 AM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

If a trusted friend asked me outright about my sexuality, I'd probably tell them.

I don't discuss my sex life with my boss or my co-workers, so my sexuality is none of their business. I have told a few friends that I go drinking with friends in the 'gay quarter' of my local city, but that's as far as I'll go. That way, if I go to a fetish club (which is in that area) and someone I know sees me, then there won't be any issues.

Other than that - my sex-life is private, and I'll keep it that way

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 3

RE: Open versus closed lifestyle - 8/23/2010 1:59:23 AM

sweetsub1957

Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline

~FR~
My openness depends entirely upon the other person and who they are. My sister knows I'm kinky, but not the rest of my family...as far as I know. I know I haven't told the rest of them. My closest trusted friends do, but not all my friends. And DEFINITELY NOT my professional colleagues. My profession has rules against "moral turpitude" and I don't care to push my luck and find out if bdsm is included in that definition.....oh hell no!

~sweetsub~

_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to myotherself)

Post #: 4

RE: Open versus closed lifestyle - 8/23/2010 2:08:31 AM

EastbourneCouple

Posts: 21
Joined: 6/18/2010
Status: offline

We're fairly open but we appreciate that certain people are uncomfortable with alternative lifestyles and so, although we don't deny it, nor do we rub their noses in it.

(in reply to sweetsub1957)

Post #: 5

RE: Open versus closed lifestyle - 8/23/2010 2:42:52 AM

Nehemiah

Posts: 70
Joined: 6/21/2010
Status: offline

I don't push it on anyone. There are some people I don't tell directly. As I've said, I use the indirrect method at times. As long as there are enough people in that orbit that's all I care about. And when I say BDSM/Fetish that's enough. I don't go into all the details unless asked. And I have had some coworkers and supervisors ask. One coworker put it well when he said, "If anyone else would have admitted what you admit to, I would have thought they were some type of disgusting pervert. But you talk about it as if it's a normal everyday thing. You make it sound normal." And that is all that I want. That people understand that what I do is normal. It's nothing I'm ashamed of or feel a need to hide because, "Oh my god, what will other people think of me." And most people really don't care. They aren't impressed. They aren't disgusted. So what if someone is into wearing leather. If I decide to wear a leather collar to work because I'm owned by a Mistress, I don't see how anyone would be phased by that if I'm open about my relationships. If I try to hide a thick leather collar at work, I'd really look like some weirdo. But if I say, "I'm wearing a collar because I'm owned by a Mistress" that makes sense and most people would accept that.

Same with dungeon equipment in my home. Pretending I'm not into this someone might think I'm a psycho rapist or something. But if I say I use it for fetish play, it makes sense.

I hope I'm explaining myself better.

(in reply to EastbourneCouple)

Post #: 6

RE: Open versus closed lifestyle - 8/23/2010 4:46:19 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: myotherself

If a trusted friend asked me outright about my sexuality, I'd probably tell them.

I don't discuss my sex life with my boss or my co-workers, so my sexuality is none of their business. I have told a few friends that I go drinking with friends in the 'gay quarter' of my local city, but that's as far as I'll go. That way, if I go to a fetish club (which is in that area) and someone I know sees me, then there won't be any issues.

Other than that - my sex-life is private, and I'll keep it that way

What she said. Of course, since my sex life also includes having insane desires for a bunny, I have to keep it quiet. Hell, even the mods must never know, or I'd be accused of violating TOS.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to myotherself)

Post #: 7

RE: Open versus closed lifestyle - 8/23/2010 5:58:43 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I don't want to know the details of anyone else's sex life and mine isn't for open consumption either. Beyond that, nobody in my family would be so rude as to start rummaging through my closet, opening closed bags. Opening a bathroom cabinet to look for a new roll of toilet paper is one thing, but looking through a zippered bag is another.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 8

RE: Open versus closed lifestyle - 8/23/2010 6:07:11 AM

Nehemiah

Posts: 70
Joined: 6/21/2010
Status: offline

Maybe this makes a difference. But my sex life and my BDSM/Fetish life don't always cross over. For me BDSM/Fetish isn't that sexual. There are a few things that do cross into that area, but most of it doesn't. Wearing leather and fetish gear isn't sexually arousing. Unless I'm actually having sex while in bondage, the bondage isn't very sexual. Pet play and infantilism isn't sexual (unless we actually incorporate sex).

Maybe this is why I'm more open about BDSM/Fetish. I don't discuss my sex life very often although I have bought a few toys for co-workers who wanted them. And one woman who puts on bachelorette parties that included some BDSM toys had no idea what they were called without checking her catalog first. I did help her out in that area.

So when it comes to sex, it doesn't come up that often if at all. With so much exposure of BDSM/Fetish on television and movies, those topics do come up.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 9

RE: Open versus closed lifestyle - 8/23/2010 6:14:03 AM

solestria

Posts: 29
Joined: 4/11/2010
Status: offline

I'm more open than many. My friends know I'm kinky--there are some I don't discuss it with out of respect for the fact that they probably don't want to know, and others that I do, but I don't hide it from any of them. That's actually where I am with my family and coworkers/bosses on this as well; they probably don't want to know, so I don't bring it up out of respect for that, but I see no reason to hide it. If my work found out, they wouldn't care much, I just don't bring it up there because I want to maintain some professional boundaries. Pretty much the same as I treat the rest of my sex life, actually--and while not all kink is sexual for me, my primary interests in kink are very much sexual, with the possible exception of rope.

(in reply to Nehemiah)

Post #: 10

RE: Open versus closed lifestyle - 8/23/2010 6:42:48 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I never felt any need to tell people about my life in any way. My work knows very very little about me. My friends know a little about me. My family knows a little more. I'm a private person overall about all of my life, not just bdsm.

I don't have family going through things at my home. Why would they? I don't have people who ask me questions about my life. Why would they?

I just don't get the reason why people feel some kind of need to scream it from the rooftops. What is the purpose unless you're an exhibitionist or are starved for attention? I'm neither.

Now if someone was to somehow find out and ask me then I'd share with them but otherwise call me closed....about my entire life.

(in reply to solestria)

Post #: 11

RE: Open versus closed lifestyle - 8/23/2010 7:30:25 AM

ThundersCry

Posts: 892
Status: offline

I have lived it open and in ways because of my children kinda regretted for a period of time. For myself it was a choice I made at the time...

I never have hollared it from the rooftops...I can`t stand the sound of my doorbell ringing ~L~

Its nobodys bizz...

Whatever you need to do for you is what matters...

Now I have wondered whats gonna happen when I leave this world and what those left behind are going to do when they find my toys bags ~L~
That base will hopefully be covered...they dont need to KNOW things about me like I dont about them...

Good luck...

(in reply to Nehemiah)

Post #: 12

RE: Open versus closed lifestyle - 8/23/2010 8:32:24 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

Open? Think not. My colleagues know nothing, my family has the "don't ask don't tell" pretty firmly in place.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to ThundersCry)

Post #: 13

RE: Open versus closed lifestyle - 8/23/2010 8:40:51 AM

sublizzie

Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ThundersCry
Now I have wondered whats gonna happen when I leave this world and what those left behind are going to do when they find my toys bags ~L~

I just moved. In the process all of my toys went into a footlocker with a padlock. I have a key. My oldest daughter has a key, just in case. No one else in the family needs to know what is in the footlocker. Since my kids are aware of generalities, they would make sure no one else would get into it. Besides, the footlocker actually belongs to my daughter so she's the only one who needs access to it besides me!

Work does not need to know about my outside activities unless I choose to tell them. Simple things like catering a party they can know about, especially if it's for a non-profit fundraiser. My children know because they are my medical power of attorney and they'd be brought into a situation if something were to go horribly wrong. My best friend knows because she works for the county sheriff and if that "horribly wrong" were to happen, I wouldn't want her siccing the entire sheriff's department on people. Why would it be anyone else's business?

_____________________________

"cooking is my kink"

Collared June 19, 2008
(uncollared 12/21/09 with his death. RIP my Santa)

(in reply to ThundersCry)

Post #: 14

RE: Open versus closed lifestyle - 8/23/2010 10:38:35 AM

phoenixmoonn13

Posts: 398
Joined: 6/11/2010
Status: offline

my ex suspects and ould love to find evide3nce so he could use it in court to try to get full custody of our daughter. my parents havent a clue and there is no way i would tell them i have one uncle who if he asked (he may ahve guessed anyway) i would tella nd thte only others who know are some online friends

(in reply to sublizzie)

Post #: 15

RE: Open versus closed lifestyle - 8/23/2010 10:51:09 AM

Nehemiah

Posts: 70
Joined: 6/21/2010
Status: offline

I am very social. Perhaps this will illustrate why I'm open. When my ex-wife and I went to her office Christmas party she knew a few people from work. So she and her sister sat in the corner most of the night. I went out and mingled. By the end of the night, I knew everyone's name. Soon i was introducing her co-workers to her.

At my own job, I knew everyone on my office floor plus most of the people on the floors above and below. I haven't worked at the office in over 6 years, but I still talk to some of my co-workers and visit the office on occasion, just to say "Hi."

I'm also close friends with people in the adult entertainment industry. Pro-Dommes, porn stars and strippers. I also do some modeling on occasion and video work. So the DVDs can be found at the store, such as this one http://debidiamondfilmsvod.com/boxcover.php?img=http://imgcover-2.vodconcepts.com/image2/large/174/174346.large.jpg

Anyone who knows me is going to recognize me from the cover pictures. I would have to be insane to think I could keep that hidden and discrete.

(in reply to phoenixmoonn13)

Post #: 16

RE: Open versus closed lifestyle - 8/23/2010 1:35:20 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Nehemiah

I don't push it on anyone. There are some people I don't tell directly. As I've said, I use the indirrect method at times. As long as there are enough people in that orbit that's all I care about. And when I say BDSM/Fetish that's enough. I don't go into all the details unless asked. And I have had some coworkers and supervisors ask. One coworker put it well when he said, "If anyone else would have admitted what you admit to, I would have thought they were some type of disgusting pervert. But you talk about it as if it's a normal everyday thing. You make it sound normal." And that is all that I want. That people understand that what I do is normal. It's nothing I'm ashamed of or feel a need to hide because, "Oh my god, what will other people think of me." And most people really don't care. They aren't impressed. They aren't disgusted. So what if someone is into wearing leather. If I decide to wear a leather collar to work because I'm owned by a Mistress, I don't see how anyone would be phased by that if I'm open about my relationships. If I try to hide a thick leather collar at work, I'd really look like some weirdo. But if I say, "I'm wearing a collar because I'm owned by a Mistress" that makes sense and most people would accept that.

Same with dungeon equipment in my home. Pretending I'm not into this someone might think I'm a psycho rapist or something. But if I say I use it for fetish play, it makes sense.

I hope I'm explaining myself better.

Unless it's a family emergancy, I just don't feel my boss needs to know why I'm taking time off. Either he can give the time off or he can't. Knowing that it's for BDSM doesn't affect that.

I'm hardly ashamed of it - most people I'm friends with know, even those that I just know casually. I'm also extremely social. Quite the chatterbox really. But does it really matter if I'm going to get flogged or taking a friend's kid to the zoo? Either I can get the time or I can't.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to Nehemiah)

Post #: 17

RE: Open versus closed lifestyle - 8/23/2010 3:24:14 PM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline

I consider myself reasonably lucky. I don't have family to consider any longer (although my mother once found me making bondage sketches as a teen and tried to get help for me), and I avoid the f-people. My coworkers think I'm seeing someone although I'm not, and they would have no idea of the nature of my relationships anyway.

But they know I'm funny, and that's as close as they get!

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 18

RE: Open versus closed lifestyle - 8/23/2010 8:46:30 PM

AnimusRex

Posts: 2165
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline

I see this question a lot- How Much Do We Tell Our Family.

Less often is the question asked, Do They Want To Know?

How much do you want to know about your parent's/ sibling's/ children's sex life?

I try to only share with them the amount I would be comfortable hearing back.

(in reply to Nehemiah)

Post #: 19

RE: Open versus closed lifestyle - 8/23/2010 8:58:26 PM

subanthony2010

Posts: 36
Joined: 6/16/2010
Status: offline

I don't really offer the information, my close friends know because they were observant of me enough to ask questions. If asked I won't lie about it unless it is in the work place. Some people are just against the lifestyle and it can ruin your career in a heart beat. My family never asked so I imagine they don't know, however if they searched the internet enough for me I am sure they will have plenty of questions. For me this lifestyle is personal, as personal as what religion I am or not. Only those who are really my friend need to know.

I did have a co-worker figure it out simple because I complimented on her shoes and always knew when she brought new ones. She was insightful so she knows and is the only one at work I confessed too.

(in reply to AnimusRex)

Post #: 20

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