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RE: Open versus closed lifestyle - 8/23/2010 9:09:03 PM

Toppingfrmbottom

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I am completely open about myself and my interests, but I know there's some times and some places it's not appropriate to share, so those times I don't share. It's not that important to me that I feel the need to go foisting information on people that people don't want.

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Post #: 21

RE: Open versus closed lifestyle - 8/23/2010 10:52:37 PM

Nehemiah

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I was browsing the internet today and came across this FAQ page on Radical Honesty http://radicalhonesty.com/faq.php

As I read through it, I was thinking that this was something I've tried to do with my life. Not as extreme as the FAQ go into. But I agree with most of it. And that is how I'd like to live my life.

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Post #: 22

RE: Open versus closed lifestyle - 8/24/2010 1:07:24 AM

dreamerdreaming

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There are a lot of us who'd be out of a job if we were open about WIITWD. And there are a lot of assholes who would victimize us without a second thought, just to see our careers go down in flames, if we gave them the chance. So we don't. Its pretty basic.

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Post #: 23

RE: Open versus closed lifestyle - 8/24/2010 2:17:03 AM

Nehemiah

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It reminds me of the philosophy of the intelligence services in the 1950s. They didn't want homosexuals in the intelligence agencies because they could be blackmailed, so they banned homosexuals thereby forcing homosexuals deeper into the closet where they would be easier to be blackmailed if it should come out.

There is a difference between discretion and hiding in the closet. If I had children and they asked me what kind of work I do, I would be discrete but honest. It's a job meant for adults only.

I'm sure military people are in the same situation when it comes to discretion. They may tell their children that they have to travel to another country for their job. But they aren't going to reveal that they may have had to kill a guerilla soldier who was the same age as his elementary-age child. He's not going to go into detail about how the kid's head exploded when the bullet hit and the brains splattered all over the street. No. That is information that a child would not be able to handle. So the adult is discrete about the details, open and honest about the larger generalities.

So for me depending on the person and situation, I'll be honest and open about the generalities, but discuss the details only with those who seem truly interested, able to handle it and ask for further details. Even here on Collarme, there are some things I do that would squick most people.

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Post #: 24

RE: Open versus closed lifestyle - 8/24/2010 6:36:17 AM

yellowroses

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quote:

ORIGINAL: EastbourneCouple

We're fairly open but we appreciate that certain people are uncomfortable with alternative lifestyles and so, although we don't deny it, nor do we rub their noses in it.

The above response is close to how I feel. I would/will not lie to anyone about it but I don't generally talk to co-workers/family/neighbors/the postman about my sex life. The issue just doesn't seem to come up and for anyone that has seen me they understand why...I look like a cross between Hollie Hobbie and Strawberry Shortcake.

After I read the Beauty books by Anne Rice, I recommended them to my closest friend at work. I was so excited to hear how she like them. Only to be told (in a very nice but semi judgemental way) that they weren't her cup of tea. I felt completely silly for having gone on and on about how great the books were for so many weeks prior to that.

Maybe this puts me in the closet about BDSM but that is just fine for me. I KNOW exactly who I am and so does my wonderful Man.

kim

P.S.- All the people at the munches and parties we attend know as well (Duh) as do everyone that reads these boards. All in all I share enough to be happy.

< Message edited by yellowroses -- 8/24/2010 6:39:32 AM >

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Post #: 25

RE: Open versus closed lifestyle - 8/24/2010 8:53:39 AM

slavekal

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I do not go so far as to actually tell people chapter and verse what my extracurriculars are, but it is not too hard to figure it out. I see no need to tell work exactly where I am going on my time off. And family does not need to know the deets of my sex life.

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Post #: 26

RE: Open versus closed lifestyle - 8/24/2010 11:20:26 AM

yellowroses

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This subject does seem to come up here quite often on the boards and it pushes a button with me slightly. Hence the need to respond again.

I am not ashamed of what I do nor do I consider that I am hiding anything. I simply CHOOSE not to discuss it with other people that are not in the lifestyle themselves.
IF the subject came up with friends of mine I would be happy to discuss BDSM or anything to do with the lifestyle.

I have a 14 year old and there was a reference to BDSM in a movie we were watching. She didn't understand the reference so I explained what it meant and we continued watching the movie. Did I just blurt out to her "oh by the way, I am a submissive and your dad is my Dominant'? No, it wasn't the time or the place to do so. She does know that we have a 1950's type of relationship and that works for me.

If someone were talking about fetish clubs I would join in and might even say "oh I have been to that club or I have always wanted to go there". That is my example of discussing the lifestyle with those that are either in the lifestyle or curious about it. Another example-I have Facebook. My soon to be nephew in law is one of my friends and he posted something one day about Passive Arts. I had NO idea he was in the lifestyle and I am sure that he didn't know I was. I sent him a NON public message about the club in response. We have exchanged and few messages about other clubs and that is it. I am sure that he talked to his fiance about it. So she probably knows. Does everyone else in the family know. I doubt it but if anyone asks I will certainly talk about. This why I don't consider that I am hiding anything. I am just a private person.

People can either choose to be open or not about their involvement in BDSM. Neither way is right or wrong. It is just different.

(in reply to Nehemiah)

Post #: 27

RE: Open versus closed lifestyle - 8/24/2010 2:49:55 PM

DommeKeliDallas

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If you want to blab your deal all over the internet be ready to deal with the consequences of your actions.

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Post #: 28

RE: Open versus closed lifestyle - 8/24/2010 2:51:59 PM

DemonKia

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FR

OP, that radical honesty thing is quite my cup of tea, too . . . . I even started a thread about it, last year. Went about as well as this thread is going, lol. Kinksters can be weirdly conservative . . .. . .

Anyways, the people in my life know I'm kinky. &, yes, that means most everyone. & it's funny how I have no problem sharing that info without getting into the salacious details . . .. . It's also funny how those little opportunities to share that kinda thing come up with fair frequency.

& people digest this kinda thing in their own way. My 92 year old grama, she can get quite insistent about stuff. I tried fobbing her off with inanities when she would repeatedly drill me about what I write (this would've been about a decade ago). Finally, I told her I write erotica. Instead of being shocked she said, oh, you write romances, that's wonderful. & that's where it got left . . . ...

Frankly, I've ended up doing a fair amount of BDSM-101 education . . . . Maybe it's just me but I've met a lot of people who're interested in kink & know relatively little about the out-&-organized kink world & who've appreciated learning about munches & such . .. .. .

< Message edited by DemonKia -- 8/24/2010 2:52:36 PM >

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Post #: 29

RE: Open versus closed lifestyle - 8/24/2010 4:27:18 PM

DemonKia

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An addendum to my above: I suspect that the online kink community has more 'closeted' persons than are involved in, say, the local munch. This is the place they can come to be out about their stuff if they want or have to keep it all private in the rest of their lives . .. . .

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Post #: 30

RE: Open versus closed lifestyle - 8/24/2010 4:36:58 PM

peacefulplace

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I am not conservative in the least politically. I am conservative in the extreme about details of my personal life. Why? People have a difficult time separating the personal from the political. In other words, I am seen by most of the world as highly educated, competent, organised, dominant. If they discovered I am a submissive? Chatter, gossip, rude questions. Why bother? Those whom I trust most know exactly who I am, even if they do not associate a label of "submissive." Those whom I do not--why would they ever need to know?

Knowledge is power. To give others intimate knowledge of your life is to give them power over it.

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Post #: 31

RE: Open versus closed lifestyle - 8/24/2010 5:13:48 PM

Nehemiah

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As you have explained it, this is more like what I'm talking about when I say open. I don't mean running around with a bullhorn on the streetcorner evangelizing the benefits of a BDSM lifestyle.

No, I am talking about that type of openness where one can relax and if anyone asks, I can admit it without guilt.

When I was at work, some of my co-workers were evangelical Christians and we would sometimes get into discussions about religion, my atheism, and sin. For those who were open to hearing about this, I would go into detail. For those who weren't I would give as much infomation as they were comfortable with.

I probably took on the attitude of being open with my own religious beliefs which were atheistic. If asked, I tell people out front I am an atheist. I had problems in the past when it was suggested that I keep my atheist identity a secret. That blew up in my face because I tried to remain closeted. So never again.

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Post #: 32

RE: Open versus closed lifestyle - 8/24/2010 5:23:27 PM

BKSir

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Most of the people I know, I'd say a good 95% know I'm not exactly vanilla. I don't hide it, but I don't broadcast it either. To what degree they know or to what degree "rocky road" they think I am, depends on the person.

I'd say right about 100% of the people i know, know I'm gay, and pretty damned close to that know I'm poly. My husband goes to the college where I work. If they don't like it, they can kiss my ass. Although, working in a kitchen, "gay" is one of the least perverted things. Poly, well, I am who I am and I'm not going to hide it. I've put too many miles on this ol' bag of bones to really give a shit what anyone else thinks. If they ask, or if it comes up in the conversation, I'm not going to lie or skirt the issue. They're grown ups, so even if they don't like it, they can pull on their big boy undies and deal with it.

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Post #: 33

RE: Open versus closed lifestyle - 8/24/2010 6:21:33 PM

yellowroses

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I can admit it without guilt.

I already said that though so I think I am being redundant.

< Message edited by yellowroses -- 8/24/2010 6:22:13 PM >

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Post #: 34

RE: Open versus closed lifestyle - 8/24/2010 6:40:36 PM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Nehemiah

As you have explained it, this is more like what I'm talking about when I say open. I don't mean running around with a bullhorn on the streetcorner evangelizing the benefits of a BDSM lifestyle.

No, I am talking about that type of openness where one can relax and if anyone asks, I can admit it without guilt.

When I was at work, some of my co-workers were evangelical Christians and we would sometimes get into discussions about religion, my atheism, and sin. For those who were open to hearing about this, I would go into detail. For those who weren't I would give as much infomation as they were comfortable with.

I probably took on the attitude of being open with my own religious beliefs which were atheistic. If asked, I tell people out front I am an atheist. I had problems in the past when it was suggested that I keep my atheist identity a secret. That blew up in my face because I tried to remain closeted. So never again.

This assumes that those of us who don't feel the need to discuss our relationships/sex lives with our bosses feel guilt.

Which is, no offense, bullshit.

I have no guilt. But it's none of his fucking businses what I'm doing with my time off. I just need/should to know if I can have it or not. I've presented demos on BDSM to my college classes, I openly joke about BDSM at non-BDSM events, etc. That doesn't mean I need to go "Hey man, can I have Tuesday off? I've got a BDSM club I want to go to" at my place of employment.

This man isn't my friend, he's not my teacher, he's not a fellow student, he's my boss.

And while I doubt he would care, there are professional lines there. He doesn't need to know about my sex life or the style of relationsip I prefer. Just if I do a good job at what he is paying me to do.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 8/24/2010 7:02:17 PM >

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Post #: 35

RE: Open versus closed lifestyle - 8/24/2010 9:13:39 PM

Nehemiah

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This is one of those "if not this, then that" misunderstandings. When I say guilt in reference to myself, that's exactly what I mean. But I am talking about myself. If I were to hide what I do, that would be negative energy on me. If I'm hesitant about where I'm going and make up lies to cover my tracks, that is also about guilt, for me.

If I say black for myself, it doesn't mean that I think everyone else must be white because they aren't me or act like me. This whole discussion is about those who live openly and those who don't. Part of a discussion is having input from all sides to develop and clarify a question. Sometimes to help one person understand themselves better. Sometimes to understand different points of view.

There is no "I am better than someone else" aspect to the discussion. If it came out that way, I apologize. I'm just saying for myself that I prefer an open lifestyle. If I were to feel shame for something I did, then there is something wrong about it with me.

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Post #: 36

RE: Open versus closed lifestyle - 8/25/2010 3:28:42 AM

MrBukani

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I am a pretty open book about anything but lately I enjoy to keep it more secret. I think its part of the thrill just like deep dark perverted thoughts. They wouldnt be deep if everybody knew.

edit BTW theres a big difference between telling your friends youre a master or slave I would be much more cautious with the latter for obvious reasons.

Concerning shame, I never had much trouble with that emotion so it matters little if somebody knows or not. In this judgemental society i think its better to keep some things to yourself, unless you gain something by it.

< Message edited by MrBukani -- 8/25/2010 3:36:43 AM >

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Post #: 37

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