breakup advice: little white lies?

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switch2please -> breakup advice: little white lies? (8/18/2010 9:34:58 AM)
Hi there :) hoping for advice... A good friend was brutally dumped by his girlfriend. They've been dating intermittently for almost ten years, and every now and then she decides to break up and see if the grass really IS greener on the other side. She's fun and gorgeous and wild and slightly unstable, and while it's this instability that makes her shake up the relationship, it's also exactly her unpredictable spontaneous nature that he adores the most. He is absolutely mad about her and is really torn up. The worst part - to my mind - is, I think this will play out the same way as last time: she'll go out and have her fun while he's an absolute mess, she'll instigate a couple of booty calls, and when she's reminded herself that the grass may be greener but it's usually astroturf (excuse my metaphor) and my friend is imperfect but the real deal...she will come back, play the repentant and lovestruck girlfriend for a month, they'll fall back into routine, and the cycle begins anew. I want to help him, but I don't know what I can do - and I've never exactly been accused of being sensitive. I'm going over tonight to talk and write and draw (we both emote best on paper). I'm blunt so I'm bound to tell him what I think about the situation, but what can I SAY that might make him feel better? In this situation, what would you want to hear? Thank you for reading, M

sub4hire -> RE: breakup advice: little white lies? (8/18/2010 9:37:32 AM)
I never actually been in the situation although I can empathize. I think I'd want you to take me out. Show me I can live life without whoever. I can have fun and smile. Meet new people, not a hook up but new friends. You never know I might find out I like life without that other person. Move on.

DarkSteven -> RE: breakup advice: little white lies? (8/18/2010 9:44:55 AM)
He's a big boy. He's been through this before. Tell him that you're sorry that he's hurting. But keep in mind that he signed up for this and be can opt out at any time This isn't your fight. Be careful not to get enmeshed in it, or enabling it.

pahunkboy -> RE: breakup advice: little white lies? (8/18/2010 9:47:53 AM)
Butt out of it. he will only blame you for your "help".

switch2please -> RE: breakup advice: little white lies? (8/18/2010 9:50:55 AM)
Thank you Steven :) I don't have much patience for self-pity, and he knows this. As you said, he's a big boy. If he wanted poor-baby sympathy he should have called someone else. Since he called me, I'm assuming he wants tough love but doesn't know how to ask for it. I just don't want to be too harsh... Maybe the best thing would be to, as sub4hire suggested, force him out of the apartment and reintroduce him to fun without her?

switch2please -> RE: breakup advice: little white lies? (8/18/2010 9:53:26 AM)
He asked for help. If he hadn't, I wouldn't go out of my way.

pahunkboy -> RE: breakup advice: little white lies? (8/18/2010 9:58:45 AM)
Ok- in the past- I would tell friends-- If ABC- then XYZ. If 123, then 456. With out actually saying you should XYZ/456. Simply pointing out the pattern- but not saying to not date the person.

switch2please -> RE: breakup advice: little white lies? (8/18/2010 10:03:09 AM)
pahunkboy - I like this approach, thank you!

Twoshoes -> RE: breakup advice: little white lies? (8/18/2010 10:05:41 AM)
Hmm, if she does come back, I'd ask her if she wants an open relationship. Doesn't seem like a dishonest person, just someone really adventerous. That could be a permanent solution to that problem. His (ex-)girlfriend sounds perfect... Maybe not perfect for him, but "oh well". Anyway, do what they said and take him out. Also don't bother telling him what he doesn't like about her, the instinctual response is to be defensive of her. He can figure out what's not working for him in his own mind. I'd offer you manipulative advice, but I don't think it'd be right.

windchymes -> RE: breakup advice: little white lies? (8/18/2010 10:06:37 AM)
I honestly don't mean to sound cold, but, after 10 years of this, it sounds like he is living exactly the way he wants to live.....with unpredictibility and a lot of drama. Some people are like that. I don't think there's anything you can do to "help" him. In 10 years, everything that can be said to him has probably been said by others, and he's calling you now because the others are tired of trying to help and then watching him go back to the same patterns and they're steering clear. Frankly, he sounds like the type who will suck you dry emotionally, and then, when you're mentally exhausted and losing sleep trying to think up SOME way to get through to him, he'll be happily hooking back up with her and leaving you wondering what the heck just happened. If it were me, I'd just wish him well and then keep busy doing other things so that you're not available.

switch2please -> RE: breakup advice: little white lies? (8/18/2010 10:22:47 AM)
They do have an open relationship, and the three of us were quite close when B and I were open and I was enjoying experimenting with poly. She just needs to be alone and do something crazy sometimes. I can understand since I do this too - not as dramatically, but sometimes I just need to be myself and I won't see or talk to B for a week. I like space. He's a writer, and I've considered that he feeds off the drama for material. He writes amazing pieces about heartbreak. It's somehow not as cathartic for him as it is for me. He can articulate the pain perfectly and while it allows him to express how he's feeling, it doesn't make the hurt less. I don't want to get too involved, but I can't conscientiously leave him to sit and binge drink and chain-smoke for two weeks until she calls when he's asked for my help.

sexyred1 -> RE: breakup advice: little white lies? (8/18/2010 10:27:27 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: switch2please Hi there :) hoping for advice... A good friend was brutally dumped by his girlfriend. They've been dating intermittently for almost ten years, and every now and then she decides to break up and see if the grass really IS greener on the other side. She's fun and gorgeous and wild and slightly unstable, and while it's this instability that makes her shake up the relationship, it's also exactly her unpredictable spontaneous nature that he adores the most. He is absolutely mad about her and is really torn up. The worst part - to my mind - is, I think this will play out the same way as last time: she'll go out and have her fun while he's an absolute mess, she'll instigate a couple of booty calls, and when she's reminded herself that the grass may be greener but it's usually astroturf (excuse my metaphor) and my friend is imperfect but the real deal...she will come back, play the repentant and lovestruck girlfriend for a month, they'll fall back into routine, and the cycle begins anew. I want to help him, but I don't know what I can do - and I've never exactly been accused of being sensitive. I'm going over tonight to talk and write and draw (we both emote best on paper). I'm blunt so I'm bound to tell him what I think about the situation, but what can I SAY that might make him feel better? In this situation, what would you want to hear? Thank you for reading, M Tell him that leopards do not change their spots. She will never change. Been there, done that, got the leopard coat. And you are right, it is her craziness that attracts him; some people mistake craziness for passion and give the unpredictable person the benefit of the doubt, over and over and over again until the pain of being with them overrides the fun of being with them.

juliaoceania -> RE: breakup advice: little white lies? (8/18/2010 11:39:40 AM)
I have no clue how you are supposed to "help" him....Ask him what it is you should do.

LadyPact -> RE: breakup advice: little white lies? (8/18/2010 11:44:32 AM)
My best off of the cuff advice. Don't say a darn thing that will come back and bite you in the ass when they get back together. Avoid all negative comments about her, the situation, and any other thing that you wouldn't say if they were still together, because very soon, they will be.

switch2please -> RE: breakup advice: little white lies? (8/18/2010 12:12:09 PM)
Agreed, thank you Lady Pact.

pogo4pres -> RE: breakup advice: little white lies? (8/18/2010 12:15:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: switch2please Hi there :) hoping for advice... A good friend was brutally dumped by his girlfriend. They've been dating intermittently for almost ten years, and every now and then she decides to break up and see if the grass really IS greener on the other side. She's fun and gorgeous and wild and slightly unstable, and while it's this instability that makes her shake up the relationship, it's also exactly her unpredictable spontaneous nature that he adores the most. He is absolutely mad about her and is really torn up. The worst part - to my mind - is, I think this will play out the same way as last time: she'll go out and have her fun while he's an absolute mess, she'll instigate a couple of booty calls, and when she's reminded herself that the grass may be greener but it's usually astroturf (excuse my metaphor) and my friend is imperfect but the real deal...she will come back, play the repentant and lovestruck girlfriend for a month, they'll fall back into routine, and the cycle begins anew. I want to help him, but I don't know what I can do - and I've never exactly been accused of being sensitive. I'm going over tonight to talk and write and draw (we both emote best on paper). I'm blunt so I'm bound to tell him what I think about the situation, but what can I SAY that might make him feel better? In this situation, what would you want to hear? Thank you for reading, M We men can be pretty fucking dense when it comes to relationships and the nature of women. Hell if I weren't married I'd be pretty lost. I am 52 years old and have younger guys sometimes asking for advice on women these days, ME, I am almost as clueless now as I was at 19 (or at least I feel that way). Your friend has issues of his own he needs to deal with, and you're not going to help much, outside of listening and trying to remain non-judgmental. If you do offer advice seep it as simple (remember "dense"), and as innocuous as possible. Moronically, Some Knucklehead in NJ

Twoshoes -> RE: breakup advice: little white lies? (8/18/2010 12:29:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: switch2please They do have an open relationship, and the three of us were quite close when B and I were open and I was enjoying experimenting with poly. She just needs to be alone and do something crazy sometimes. I can understand since I do this too - not as dramatically, but sometimes I just need to be myself and I won't see or talk to B for a week. I like space. Yep, I know the feeling of wanting to escape for a little while. Free-spirits are fun to be around till they disappear. My friends know by now that I'll always be back in a week or two with a story. I'm sure he knows by now not to chase her and what he's doing with someone like that. When you want to play with fire, you have to live with getting burned. So, you can either: - ask him to describe a perfect relationship and listen while he figures out: what won't works for him; what he can change or why he needs someone else. But don't talk about her at all (cause of what LadyPact said). - drag him out and help him socialize a little, which is what I'd prefer someone would do if I were heartbroken. That's what friends are for, right? A guy's reaction will usually be to shift his focus on someone else so I don't recommend you being the only person there :P. Cheers.

switch2please -> RE: breakup advice: little white lies? (8/18/2010 12:42:03 PM)
Good advice, thank you. I can't fix anything for him - and wouldn't if I could, it's his mess - but I can be there while he's poking the pieces and trying to decide what's broken and what's not.

DomImus -> RE: breakup advice: little white lies? (8/18/2010 4:11:05 PM)
I didn't see the part about the open relationship before I posted. Nevermind.

DesFIP -> RE: breakup advice: little white lies? (8/18/2010 7:32:24 PM)
About all you can do is let him vent. But I'd ask him if he's happy with this and would he like this pattern to continue for the rest of his life. Is this where he wants to be in another ten years? Because she isn't going to change, what he sees is what he gets.

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