UniqueRaven
Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
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i have a lot of thoughts about this after reading both the article and the thread.
Hm, first, i find the author self-serving and annoying and even a bit raunchy - but she's doing it on purpose to create an air of controversy around herself and to sell books. So i can forgive some of it.
The premise of a man having a woman "on the side" on it's own i am in support of - perhaps it is the slave in me. If a couple simply isn't able to reconcile their sexual needs, then this is one option that i see as acceptable. However i think it absolutely needs to be honest and open and out in the air that he is doing so (not public, just between the parties involved). i do appreciate the author's assertion that it's best if the wife meets the "sugarbaby" - the more information, the better. Just like any poly situation - the only way it works is for everyone to be in support of the arrangement, and happy with each other and accepting of the risks (disease, etc.)
The author is also really only addressing one niche of men - the super-wealthy. i have known several of these who do this sort of thing via my experience with my previous Master in NY. It is often seen by wealthy men as a "perk" for working so hard and accumulating all that wealth - for them, having a sugarbaby is just like buying the new Mercedes, or the house in Westchester, or the yacht, and so on. It's meaningless - simply another benefit of the career. And for those speaking about how him spending $52,000 a year on a sugarbaby is draining the kids' trust fund, college fund, wedding fund, etc., realize that most of these men could pay for all of those things ten times over and still have money for a sugarbaby. Some of them don't have kids at all. Also, the wealthy man's wife is often simply expected to look the other way about this sort of behavior - and she quite often does - it simply comes with the position. It is a different life from what most of us know, and a different mindset - one which i understand, but never was able to really integrate into myself.
But, i also think the author tends to assume that most men think with their crotches and are incapable of keeping a commitment. That's not ok by me. i've known many men who have been in sexless, miserable marriages that have not strayed because his integrity was greater than his need for physical release. Commitment and monogomy is possible and real for both men and women. How many men have we seen broken-hearted because the wife was the one that strayed outside the marriage? It happens. So the attitude in general of "men need release and they should be allowed to seek strange on the side" that the author conveys is just wrong, in my opinion.
Really, this whole sort of thing just makes me tired in a way. Again, probably just the slave in me. But the human being in me definitely believes that everyone deserves to be treated with respect, and have their needs met - especially and particularly in a committed long-term relationship. If i weren't a slave, and my spouse of 20+ years came to me one day and said his sexual needs weren't being met, you bet like all get out i would work with him to figure out how to meet them - and anything and everything would be up for discussion.
So if this is the way it works for some? No harm, no foul in my book. i just wish the author wouldn't try to be so darn smug about it all. 
< Message edited by UniqueRaven -- 8/7/2010 2:39:43 PM >
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"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)
My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com
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RE: How to make marriage more appealing to men! - 
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