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Proof Reading - 7/17/2010 10:44:35 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		OK folks.  I'm working on a new event.  I've been up for several hours writing the teaser.  I have, what I think is the final draft.  I am asking for any comments, improvements, or suggestions that you might have.

B(*****)  Delightful Slave Menagerie

  Your invitation to BDSM has arrived!  With this notice, please be advised that I am welcoming you to a special night of role play, frivolity, and fun.  For one night only, Saturday <date not disclosed for posting>, join us for our first slave auction!   Everyone is invited to participate and there are several roles that you can play.

  Allow Me to introduce myself.    My name is Lady Pact and I will be your Head Slave Wrangler and Auctioneer for the evening.  For this special night, I will be presenting slaves for sale at my discretion.  Our human merchandise is the finest in the land and brought to you from near and far.  My human livestock has included princes and paupers, knights and knaves, house servants and seductresses.  I promise you that you will find no comparison to their outward beauty and inner quality.  I am here to sell them to you, for a price.

  Some slaves come to me willingly, hoping to be sold to an owner who will give them a new life.  Some are sold by their families.  Some are captured against their will.  Others, you don’t really want to know where I got them from.  In each and every case, you will find them ready to be purchased.  For just a few coins, they can be yours for the night.

  Roles you can play:   Slaves to be sold at auction – If you chose to be sold at the auction, you are encouraged to become a character for the evening.  You may wish to write a brief story on how you came to be sold on the auction block.  Costumes can improve your chances of being sold.  All slaves are required to have their terms of sale (hard limits) prepared and be ready to negotiate terms for your Buyer.

  Tops/Potential Buyers – You are my invited guests to have the opportunity to purchase a slave at the auction.  In accepting this invitation, you agree to all terms of sale.  Payment for slaves is expected immediately after purchase and only pre-approved currency will be accepted.

  Slave Wranglers – For those who wish to be neither bought or sold.  You will be members of my valued staff.  You will be expected to help slaves with costumes, assist in the auction, and volunteer for dungeon monitor duties.

  Dealers – You will assist me during the gambling portion of the evening.  It will be your job to help conduct games of chance.  I expect you to be well versed at the gaming tables.  If you are not or are caught cheating, you will be thrown to the slave pit.  I would highly suggest that you brush up on your knowledge of the tables.

      Our Schedule: The evening will be presented to you in various parts.  I run a very timely show and expect your co-operation.   Upon arrival at the dungeon, all Tops/Potential Buyers will be given a sealed envelope with pre-approved currency for the night.  You may choose to hold your funds for safe keeping or try your luck to improve your fortune at the gambling tables. 


  Gaming hour – The gaming hour will commence upon the Head Wrangler’s announcement.  During this time, the Tops/Potential buyers may participate in games of chance.  I expect to run at least one poker table and one blackjack table.  Standard rules of gaming will apply.  (For example, in blackjack, the dealer will hit on 16 and below, stay on 17.)  At any time, the Head Wrangler or a member or the staff may observe, participate, or become the dealer at any table.  This is to ensure to keep the tables honest or catch any cheaters who may be caught in the act.

  During this period, those slaves who can be trusted to serve may be encouraged to serve drinks or snacks.  All slaves who choose to do so may improve their chances of being bought.  Show the Tops what a good purchase you may be!

  The Auction – At the close of the gaming hour, the Head Wrangler will begin the auction.  Each slave will be brought from the slave pit and shown to Tops/Potential Buyers.  A brief description/bio will be read in their presence, including any hard limits they may have.  Bidding will commence once the slave has left the room.  Depending on the number of slaves available, a Top/Potential Buyer may be limited to one purchase.  Choose wisely!  Any slave with no bids becomes the continued property of the Head Wrangler.  Any slave on the auction block may be brought for a second showing to Tops/Potential Buyers, at my discretion.

  Claiming Your Purchase/Play – Once the highest bidder at auction has been named, the Top/Buyer may claim their merchandise at the slave pit.  A Slave Wrangler will assist you in claiming your prize.  All terms of sale apply.  In purchasing the slave, you accept all terms and conditions for the transaction.   Normal dungeon rules will be kept at standard.  At no time may you change the contract of sale.  All limits will be respected at all times.  Any Buyer who refuses to do so gives up all rights to their purchase.  
Play Time – Under stipulated terms, you may now use your slave for the evening.  Have fun!

    Frequently Asked Questions –   How do I get to play? This is very simple.  Choose a role for the evening.  Most Dominants will want to be Tops/Potential Buyers.  Most submissives will want to be sold.  Switches may choose any role for the night.

  Will limits be respected? Absolutely!  We are still a family.  Nobody will cross the lines that you set down.  This is going to be fun.

  Who can participate? All members of the <name withheld> group can come out for fun.  If you are a member of an adjoining group, you are also welcome.  Nobody will be permitted to this event that has not satisfied the prerequisite attendance. 


  Can I cheat during gambling? Yes, you can!  This may improve your chances for funds.  However, if you are caught cheating, you subject yourself to being sold on the auction block.  Any person cheating is subjected to being thrown into the slave pit.

  If I get caught cheating, what happens? You will be subjected to the terms of any other slave in the pit.  All limits will be respected, but you will be in the position of being sold/serving others.

  What if I have other questions? All questions can be directed to the Head Wrangler, Lady Pact @ LadyPact – <address withheld>.
Before publication, I'm bringing this to you.  What do you think of the write up?  Is this an event that would interest you?  What improvements can be made?  Would this event inspire you to participate?  This handout goes for final print tonight, so I need your comments, suggestions, feedback now!



_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Proof Reading - 7/17/2010 11:14:00 AM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		I don't see any obvious spelling or grammatical issues.  I wouldn't attend an event that was only based on charity gambling/"slave" auction, but I've been to several that included them.  Normally they make sure they have a disclaimer that a bid does not guarantee any play, only the right to negotiate, and specifies no sex to avoid legal issues.  Most auctions have had tops/Dominants as well as the bottom/slave types, so you might want to allow for that in your introduction, and encourage either to sign up.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Proof Reading - 7/17/2010 11:42:10 AM   
EbonyWood


Posts: 2044
Joined: 7/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

  Roles you can play:   Slaves to be sold at auction – If you chose to be sold at the auction, you are encouraged to become a character for the evening. 



To maintain consistency of using present tense, as per rest of announcement, 'chose' should be amended to 'choose'.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Proof Reading - 7/17/2010 11:51:43 AM   
Tantriqu


Posts: 2026
Joined: 12/29/2006
Status: offline 		Your invitation to BDSM has arrived! I am welcoming you to a special night of role play, frivolity, and fun. For one night only, Saturday <date not disclosed for posting>, join us for our first slave auction! Everyone is invited to participate, and there are several roles that you can play.

--My name is Lady Pact, and I will be your Head Slave Wrangler and Auctioneer for the evening. For this special night, I will be presenting slaves for sale, at my discretion. Our human merchandise is the finest in the land, and brought to you from near and far. My human livestock has included princes and paupers, knights and knaves,--servants and seductresses. I promise you that you will find no comparison to their outward beauty and inner quality-- for a price.

Some slaves come to me willingly, hoping to be sold to an owner who will give them a new life. Some are sold by their dominants. Some are captured "against their will". [unless you add quotation marks, ew!] Others, you don’t really want to know --. In each and every case, you will find them ready to be purchased. For just a few coins, they can be yours for the night. [give expected prices]

Roles you can play: Slaves – If you chose to be sold at the auction, you are encouraged to become a character for the evening. You may wish to write a brief bio or story on how you came to be sold on the auction block. Costumes can improve your chances of being sold. All slaves are required to have their terms of sale (hard limits) prepared, and be ready to negotiate terms for your Buyer.

Buyers/Tops – You are, my invited guests, to have the opportunity to purchase a slave at the auction. In accepting this invitation, you agree to all terms of sale. Payment for slaves is expected immediately after purchase, and only pre-approved currency will be accepted.

Slave Wranglers – For those who wish to be neither bought or sold, you will be members of my valued staff. You will help slaves with costumes, assist in the auction, and monitor the slave pits.

Dealers – You will assist me during the gambling portion of the evening. It will be your job to help conduct games of chance. I expect you to be well-versed at the gaming tables. If you are not, or are caught cheating, you will be thrown to the slave pit. I would highly suggest that you brush up on your knowledge of the tables.

Our Schedule: I run a very tight show and expect your co-operation. Upon arrival at the dungeon, all Buyers/Tops will be given a sealed envelope with pre-approved currency for the night. You may choose to hold your funds for safe-keeping, or try your luck to improve your fortune at the gambling tables.


Gaming hour – The gaming hour will begin with the Head Wrangler’s announcement, and Buyers/Tops may participate in games of chance. I expect to run at least one poker table and one blackjack table. Standard rules of gaming will apply. (For example, in blackjack, the dealer will hit on 16 and below, stay on 17.) At any time, the Head Wrangler or a member or the staff may observe, participate, or become the dealer at any table. This is to keep the tables honest or catch any cheaters.

During Gaming, trusted slaves will serve drinks or snacks. Serving may improve slaves' chances of being bought. Show the Tops what a good purchase you are!

The Auction – At the close of the gaming hour, the Head Wrangler will begin the auction. Each slave will be brought from the slave pit for display to Tops/Potential Buyers. and their brief description/bio will be read including any hard limits they may have. Bidding will commence once the slave has left the room. Depending on the number of slaves available, a Top/Potential Buyer may be limited to one purchase. Choose wisely! Any slave with no bids stays the property of the Head Wrangler, and may be re-auctioned, at my discretion.

Claiming Your Purchase/Play – Once the highest bidder at auction has been named, the Top/Buyer may claim their merchandise at the slave pit. A Slave Wrangler will assist you in claiming your prize. All terms of sale apply. In purchasing the slave, you accept all terms and conditions for the transaction. Normal dungeon rules will be kept at standard. At no time may you change the contract of sale. All limits will be respected at all times. Any Buyer who refuses to do so gives up all rights to their purchase.
Play Time – Under stipulated terms, you may now use your slave for the evening. Have fun!

Frequently Asked Questions – How do I get to play? This is very simple. Choose a role for the evening. Most Dominants will want to be Buyers/Tops. Most submissives will want to be sold. Switches may choose any role for the night.

Will limits be respected? Absolutely! We are still a family. Nobody will cross the lines that you set down. This is going to be fun.

Who can participate? All members of the <name withheld> group can come out for fun. If you are a member of an adjoining ? word choice? group, you are also welcome. Nobody will be permitted to this event that has not satisfied the prerequisites of attendance.


Can I cheat during gambling? Yes, you can! This may improve your chances for funds. However, if you are caught cheating, you will be thrown into the slave pit and sold on the auction block.

If I get caught cheating, what happens? You will be subject to the terms of being a slave in the pit. All limits will be respected, but you will be in the position of being sold/serving others.

Unless you give the money to a registered charity, isn't it illegal? . . . ? well?


Crap! I get down to the end and see I may be abetting a bawdy house!

Oh, well, here you go:
Rules for commas; read your writing out loud, and add a comma if you can't comfortably make it to the end of the phrase/sentence without drawing breath, OR to separate phrases which already have conjunctions.
Should be punchier; some redundancies removed, e.g., 'catch any cheaters caught in the act' and 'potential' buyers.
Good luck!

(in reply to Andalusite)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Proof Reading - 7/17/2010 11:54:57 AM   
hopelesslyInvo


Posts: 522
Joined: 2/10/2008
From: the future
Status: offline
quote:


This is to ensure to keep the tables honest

double 'to' - paragraph 9, (gaming hour) is the only unquestionable typo i see.

the rest reads smooth enough to be fine but you could polish it more if you felt like it. 

it sound interesting enough to me, there's only one recommendation i have.

it's a worst case scenario type thing; you've said cheating is allowed (though apparently only dominants get funds that they can play with), but being caught cheating lands you into the slave pit.  that seems likely to cause an issue, as i just suspect there's always "that one" who's going to do something like cheat, but throw a fit and kill the mood if you try to treat them like a slave the rest of the night.

perhaps you could give those who are caught a choice?  pay your fine (remaining money) and/or forfeit slave buying privileges for the night, else go directly to slave pit and do not pass go?

if it's only people attending that you have a degree of trust in, maybe it wouldn't be necessary, but giving them a choice between the two could still mix things up a bit.


< Message edited by hopelesslyInvo -- 7/17/2010 11:58:26 AM >

_____________________________

great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.

(in reply to Andalusite)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Proof Reading - 7/17/2010 12:04:34 PM   
ChainedExistence


Posts: 507
Joined: 2/5/2005
Status: offline 		Looks good to me. In addition to the two errors above noted, this is a line I would change: "This is to keep the tables honest or catch any cheaters."

I'd say AND catch any cheaters.

(in reply to hopelesslyInvo)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Proof Reading - 7/17/2010 12:14:30 PM   
yellowroses


Posts: 167
Joined: 6/12/2009
Status: offline 		I want to be there...that sounds like a blast! Other then that, I have no corrections. The others seem to have said what needs to be changed.

GODD LCUK!!!

kim

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Proof Reading - 7/17/2010 12:19:53 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Aren't these things usually done to raise money for charity? If this is, then it might be nice to mention the charity.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to yellowroses)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Proof Reading - 7/17/2010 12:31:59 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		This sounds like FUN! I didn't see any obvious typos or misspellings, on a cursory reading- and it is well- written IMHO. I'll have to go back when I can pay more attention later and have another look at the punctuation and grammar but for now my questions are: What are the adjoining groups- how are the limits of that that decided? And what exactly are the prerequisites? (I've never been to a public event, so bear with me....) How big is the facility and how many people are you aiming to get, for this gathering? (What's the maximum # allowable?) Is the gaming hour really only one hour?



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Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Proof Reading - 7/17/2010 12:40:36 PM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		Why can't the slaves gamble? I'd definitely want to take some of the owners' money in poker!

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com


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Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Proof Reading - 7/17/2010 12:46:54 PM   
EbonyWood


Posts: 2044
Joined: 7/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

Why can't the slaves gamble? I'd definitely want to take some of the owners' money in poker!


Because when you're playing blackjack and call out "Hit me!", all hell breaks loose.

(in reply to xxblushesxx)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Proof Reading - 7/17/2010 1:27:37 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Woodie!!!!! Where the fuck you been at?

Ron

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Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Proof Reading - 7/17/2010 2:36:17 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Rushing to the munch to promote.  My thanks to everyone that helped/made suggestions.

Real quick - It's not illegal.  The envelopes that the Tops receive at the beginning of the night hold only play money.  No charity has been named as no real money crosses hands.

Slaves don't get to gamble.  They are property. 


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Proof Reading - 7/17/2010 3:03:52 PM   
Malkinius


Posts: 1814
Joined: 1/9/2004
Status: offline 		Greetings Pact....

This looks like a fun event. I am not the best of proof readers and there have already been some very good suggestions so I won't go there. I do, however, have a few suggestions to make over all.

One is to either include the rules under which the slaves are purchased or have them easily findable from the teaser for those who are interested. This looks like a local group or dungeon's event so I gather most of the people will be known to each and will know general event rules. It never hurts in cases like this to remind people of them. To answer a question one poster asked is that no, auctions like this do not have to be for a charity. I noticed that each potential buyer will be given house money. They are not buying that money so no real money is changing hands. I, and hopefully others, will see the difference. I am certain that you do.

I don't know how big a group you are expecting but if it is more than two dozen or so and certainly if more than 25 stick to one job or the other. Don't try to run the show and be the auctioneer. A good auctioneer will be spending most of their pre-sale time getting things ready for the sale. Now, if you expect the sale to be for half a dozen or so slave, and be over in 15-30 minutes, then this is not as true as a sale that could last an hour or more. A good auction and especially a slave auction is as much theater as it is a sale. The better the entertainment the higher the prices. However, with fixed cash amounts, you are artificially limiting the bids.

Will there be other ways besides gambling to get more money? Could an owner get more bidding money for putting their own sub or slave up for sale? Are their activities besides gambling that could gain money such as contests? That could also provide all sorts of entertainment. Can owned s-types earn money for their d-types? The more creative you get the more people will have more fun. I don't know the group size or dynamics so it is hard to make specific suggestions. General questions based on past events I have been to or done may stimulate your creative impulses. <grins>

One last thing. After you do this please tell us how it went. Enquiring minds want to know.

Be well....

Malkinius


_____________________________

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http://www.HouseMalkinius.com    The goal is community.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Proof Reading - 7/17/2010 3:10:52 PM   
Apocalypso


Posts: 1104
Joined: 4/20/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
I expect to run at least one poker table and one blackjack table.  Standard rules of gaming will apply.  (For example, in blackjack, the dealer will hit on 16 and below, stay on 17.)
I'd suggest providing a full list of rules to all gamblers, preferably before the event.  Blackjack, in particular, has so many standard variants that it's worth trying to head off rules disputes before they happen.  (You don't want to get bogged down by arguing about what are the "standard rules of gaming" on what should be a fun night).

That's especially important because of cheaters being thrown into the slave pit.  To give just one example, does card counting count as cheating?


_____________________________

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Don't keep calling it the "Book of Revelations",
There's no "s", it's the Book of Revelation,
As revealed to Saint John the Divine.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Proof Reading - 7/17/2010 4:01:46 PM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline 		I still think you need a big, ugly, sweaty looking man who looks like Ernest Borgnine to be the Head Wrangler. 

I like that you've thought carefully about the fact that no-one wants to feel 'unchosen'.  Nobody wants to feel that way - and I do mean nobody.


OK, to my poof reading (geddit?!).  Minor things. 

I would highly suggest that you brush up on your knowledge of the tables.

- 'strongly' instead of 'highly'. 


The evening will be presented to you in various parts.  I run a very timely show and expect your co-operation.

- 'efficient' instead of  'timely'.

"This is to ensure to keep the tables honest or catch any cheaters who may be caught in the act. "

I'd suggest: 'This is to ensure that the tables are kept honest and to catch any cheaters who may be caught in the act'

"All limits will be respected at all times.  Any Buyer who refuses to do so gives up all rights to their purchase.  
Play Time – Under stipulated terms, you may now use your slave for the evening.  Have fun!"

A line's paragraph break needed. 






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Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Proof Reading - 7/17/2010 5:28:44 PM   
kallisto


Posts: 1185
Status: offline 		It reads really well, LadyPact. Everyone above caught the things that I saw. Sounds like a lot of fun.

(in reply to PeonForHer)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Proof Reading - 7/17/2010 5:48:03 PM   
submissivemale22


Posts: 428
Joined: 3/4/2008
From: CinCity
Status: offline 		i hope you and the three or four other people that attend have a fun time.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Proof Reading - 7/17/2010 7:47:21 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Can I come? I gamble well when the monies are not real!

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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Proof Reading - 7/17/2010 7:50:33 PM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: EbonyWood

quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

Why can't the slaves gamble? I'd definitely want to take some of the owners' money in poker!


Because when you're playing blackjack and call out "Hit me!", all hell breaks loose.


*lol* I've been wondering where you've been! WB!

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com


(in reply to EbonyWood)
Profile   Post #: 20
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