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RE: Introducing my vanilla BF to the lifestyle...? - 6/7/2010 1:35:21 PM

shellymeow

Posts: 17
Status: offline

LuckyAlbatross - I dont want him to change... Ive made it clear to him that I dont want him to sacrifice who he is. I would like for him to give it a try, it may be something that he ends up liking. Im certainly not going to force something upon him that isnt him. I do love him for who he is, and I dont want to change that. I just want to get him to maybe expand his experiences and maybe grow as a person.

Before the "change or I leave" convo, he still would regularly ask me if I was sure I loved him, and once in awhile ask me if I was sure I wouldnt leave him. So I did not instill that thought into his head for the first time with that conversation. I also definitely dont believe that I have any higher ground on this than he does. We have a relationship, everything is a partnership and sometimes a middle ground needs to be found if possible. But I do not think that I am any more right than he is.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 21

RE: Introducing my vanilla BF to the lifestyle...? - 6/7/2010 1:35:41 PM

registeredbull

Posts: 1
Joined: 1/18/2010
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Have you asked him to talk to a Dom with experience and get some pointers. If he is young as you say and as inexperienced as you say perhaps he just needs some direction.

(in reply to shellymeow)

Post #: 22

RE: Introducing my vanilla BF to the lifestyle...? - 6/7/2010 2:16:13 PM

PeonForHer

Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
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It can work, to a limited extent, with a submissive male. I know this because submissively inclined ex girlfriends of mine have managed to 'mould' me that way myself. But you absolutely have to a) allow him to be only as dominant as he wants to be and b) let him be dominant in the way he wants to be, not the way you want him to be.

I wouldn't talk heavily about it with him right now. It doesn't sound like it's the right time. Just do a couple of little things - serve him, ask if he minds you calling him 'Sir' occasionally. I can't honestly think of two better means of 'bringing out the dominant' in a man - if it's there - than those two tactics. They might - just might - warm him to it, a little.

Good luck!

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(in reply to shellymeow)

Post #: 23

RE: Introducing my vanilla BF to the lifestyle...? - 6/7/2010 3:26:16 PM

S1L1

Posts: 91
Joined: 5/31/2009
From: Upstate South Carolina
Status: offline

One option might be to find someone that can teach him what to do. Obviously a female dominant or even switch would be best so that he does not feel threatened.

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Post #: 24

RE: Introducing my vanilla BF to the lifestyle...? - 6/7/2010 3:42:20 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: shellymeow

Thats a huge part of the problem. With the vanilla aspect aside, hes an amazing BF and I love him and want to be with him! Ive definitely thought about maybe having some mutual agreement where once a month or whatnot, with a person of my choosing (that he can approve of also), I can go and do my thing. But even starting to bring that up brought him to tears and hysterics with the insecurity saying Im going to leave him! Which, I am not. That makes it tough, cause no doubt my mind has started to wander - and Im scared that with no change Ill end up cheating on him to get what I need... and that would hurt him even worse.

Ok, I'm confused. According to your profile you are looking for a Dominant male and in the text you write about a few things you are looking for in this Dom. Then in a journal entry it seems as though you have had some bad experiences with looking for other men but in the OP you say you've had the bf for a year and a half. In the posting that I quoted you said you are considering having a man on the side for BDSM activities and that you're afraid of cheating eventually as you are starting to look at other men.

I honestly don't get what's going on here. On one hand you seem to be saying you are monogamous and with the bf who you want to stay with if only he would venture out of his vanilla ways for you, on the other it seems as though you are looking behind his back for a relationship that involves kink. What's up?

(in reply to shellymeow)

Post #: 25

RE: Introducing my vanilla BF to the lifestyle...? - 6/7/2010 4:43:54 PM

osf

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I tried teaching my rooster to bark, but gave up on it

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Post #: 26

RE: Introducing my vanilla BF to the lifestyle...? - 6/8/2010 1:48:38 AM

MissAsylum

Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
Status: offline

you do realize, you're asking your boyfriend to take on a LIFESTYLE...right? Speaking as somebody with a vanilla boyfriend that i love dearly, i would NEVER try to mould him to what i would want. however- you are talking about NEEDS. if you NEED to be dominated- pick up sticks and MOVE ON. this will become a bigger issue in the long run where your need will undoubtedly grow. My boyfriend(even though he sticks by the label of "vanilla") took it upon himself to learn more about my lifestyle on his own. I didn't force him- which under the threat of leaving- is what you are doing to him. You are asking him to take on a lot, and it is NOT FAIR TO HIM. you're being borderline selfish in that aspect. you fell in love with him being vanilla, so in my honest opinion, you either love him as is or move on instead of stringing him along.

< Message edited by MissAsylum -- 6/8/2010 1:52:14 AM >

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RE: Introducing my vanilla BF to the lifestyle...? - 6/8/2010 1:51:25 AM

reynardfox

Posts: 417
Joined: 9/8/2009
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If you want to ride a horse, you get a horse, not a dog.
If you want to be dominated, you find a dominant.
Simples.

(in reply to shellymeow)

Post #: 28

RE: Introducing my vanilla BF to the lifestyle...? - 6/8/2010 2:13:02 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline

shellymeow, you are 22? so he is about the same age?
i think you both have a lot to learn... i find it difficult to believe you know a lot about a 24-7 relationship of any kind yet, either of you... i don't mean to sound patronising, but there you have it.

i think it is lovely you still love eachother very much and i would advice you not to throw that away willie nillie... you being together for a year and a half is even more admirable since you said: "To be honest, hes really actually really immature and inexperienced sexually and has the entire man mentality about sex... no foreplay, fuck, he cums, were done."

To be honest i think i would have long since cheated if my Husband had started out being so crap in the bedroom department
however things did turn sour for us too and i found myself with hardly getting any and when it finally did happen rather lame sex
if i would have suggested taking a lover... even if i would have tried to sell that as an unemotional thing just to get my 'needs' met... i would have been out on my ear

You could of course leave your amazing boyfriend for a better lover, but i think it is worth a shot to better his sexual skills a bit, see it as a challenge and be prepared for failure, set a time limit for yourself (don't tell him because it might feel like too much pressure for him)
Try to have some fun with the whole thing... show him you can deep throat a floppy dildo, watch the secretary and tell him which bits turn you on.

maybe buy him Alex Comfort's book about the joy of sex and read it together

In my opinion it is very good to learn about sex together
many people prefer the sub to be innocent and the Master to know exactly what he is doing, but in my opinion it is much much nicer to learn together at a slow but exiting pace.
would he like to watch you get yourself off? would you beable to show him that?

< Message edited by ranja -- 6/8/2010 2:28:31 AM >

(in reply to shellymeow)

Post #: 29

RE: Introducing my vanilla BF to the lifestyle...? - 6/8/2010 2:24:04 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline

--- mistake

(in reply to ranja)

Post #: 30

RE: Introducing my vanilla BF to the lifestyle...? - 6/8/2010 2:24:44 AM

DCWoody

Posts: 1401
Joined: 10/27/2006
Status: offline

Find out what kind of porn he watches (yes he does, no really...he does). He might not tell you, or be honest about it, or mention everything....but try. Unless it's Fem-dom, you can probably work with it. Even if it's just the ever popular POV blowjob stuff, if the phrase 'can I please suck your cock sir' doesn't get a response what you've got there is a corpse. A part of the problem could be that his turn ons are reaaally out there (hentai?). But I'm totally just guessing wildly, ask him...there must be more to his desires than straight sex no foreplay.

It doesn't sound overly hopeful, but surely he has some kind of kink....has to be worth finding out what.

(in reply to ranja)

Post #: 31

RE: Introducing my vanilla BF to the lifestyle...? - 6/8/2010 3:22:50 AM

MissAsylum

Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
Status: offline

i disagree with you to an extent. yes, for what has be written, the OP and her boyfriend have some growing up to do. however- i do not believe that age is nessecarily a factor. yes i am among the younger set, but i have met people here and in my vanilla life that are double my age and act younger than i do and wouldnt know up from down when it comes to relationships(example- my mother who has "angry black woman syndrome"-has chased off plenty of good men as a result of being divorced from my dad for over 11 years). and a friend of mine who dated a 35 year old(she's 26) with the same no foreplay, sex, cum, we're done mentality. I'm just saying-there is a clear lack of maturity in some aspect, but age may not be a factor.

_____________________________

I hate when I'm wearing my apple bottom jeans, but i can't find my boots with the fur.

(in reply to ranja)

Post #: 32

RE: Introducing my vanilla BF to the lifestyle...? - 6/8/2010 5:07:03 AM

Guest

Good luck to you on this.

A sub friend of mine introduced the idea to her boyfriend by having him watch a session with her Domme friend. In our society there is huge social pressure against BDSM and it helped him see what it was that she enjoyed and to realize it was o.k. And erotic as hell ;-)

The book "A Loving Dominant by John Warren" has a good chapter to give a potential Dom to read and the entire book is great reading as well. From the outside BDSM it is difficult to understand the love and incredible beauty of relationships in the lifestyle.

(in reply to MissAsylum)

Post #: 33

RE: Introducing my vanilla BF to the lifestyle...? - 6/8/2010 5:19:21 AM

loverly

Posts: 236
Joined: 1/23/2004
Status: offline

Perhaps the OP thinks that being monogomous means no other Men.. i noticed she showed Him an example of "scening" with a Domme... perhaps its only cheating if it is with a Male? not a female?

i agree tho with love them for WHO and WHAT they are and not try to change a person.. however.. pretty open and brave of her taking the chance to show him all she is interested in when there is a chance he may RUN!
Maybe .. he IS a natural and just hasnt been shown that path.. maybe not. i imagin she will find out if He steps up to the plate and takes the lead. i hope she talked to Him alot first! haha i have seen peoples faces the first time they ever saw a scene and didnt have a clue!!!

(in reply to Guest)

Post #: 34

RE: Introducing my vanilla BF to the lifestyle...? - 6/8/2010 6:19:25 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

i disagree with you to an extent. yes, for what has be written, the OP and her boyfriend have some growing up to do. however- i do not believe that age is nessecarily a factor. yes i am among the younger set, but i have met people here and in my vanilla life that are double my age and act younger than i do and wouldnt know up from down when it comes to relationships(example- my mother who has "angry black woman syndrome"-has chased off plenty of good men as a result of being divorced from my dad for over 11 years). and a friend of mine who dated a 35 year old(she's 26) with the same no foreplay, sex, cum, we're done mentality. I'm just saying-there is a clear lack of maturity in some aspect, but age may not be a factor.

Of course age does not need to be a factor, you are totally right on that... and there is of course people who will never learn a thing...
maybe her boyfriend is one of these and in that case she will have to face up to the fact that he is a lousy lover unwilling or for some unfathomable reason unable to learn better skills and probably always will be like that... he might still be a wonderful man to someone, but frankly if i would know this about a couple i would pity the woman with such a man a bit... unless of course she is totally unimaginative as well and not bothered about her own pleasure.

i am of the opinion it is always worth it when you love someone to do a bit of work to achieve some improvement... i do not see it so much as regardlessly trying to 'change' a person which is such a disagreeable notion, but more as an attempt to be better and braver and less narrowminded which i think is always a good thing.

Maturity tends to come with age, but not for all indeed you are right.... and she never stated the age of her man... if he is her senior much... lets say 10 years.... maybe she should not hold her breath at all that he might improve.... as learning is easiest done when one is young and supple...

(in reply to MissAsylum)

Post #: 35

RE: Introducing my vanilla BF to the lifestyle...? - 6/8/2010 6:47:08 AM

MissAsylum

Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
Status: offline

now this i agree on completely.

i personally would not deal with a man who does the whole "get on, get off,get out" thing. its borderline repulsive to me.

So before the OP tries to turn her boyfriend in the Dominant direction, i believe it would be best to work on the plain sex aspect first.

Sexually, i'm a Dominating switch. I'll admit- i can't get all i need from being the one top all the time. But i do know that i would NEVER EVER allow my boyfriend to be on top (cause pain, tie me up...etc) if he couldn't master the basics.

It could turn out that could be what he's missing above all.

_____________________________

I hate when I'm wearing my apple bottom jeans, but i can't find my boots with the fur.

(in reply to ranja)

Post #: 36

RE: Introducing my vanilla BF to the lifestyle...? - 6/8/2010 6:56:29 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline

hence my advice to read Alex Comfort's book 'the joy of sex' it really is a very good guide to learn the basics of plain sex... then they can take it up a level

< Message edited by ranja -- 6/8/2010 6:59:54 AM >

(in reply to MissAsylum)

Post #: 37

RE: Introducing my vanilla BF to the lifestyle...? - 6/8/2010 8:57:36 PM

UnlimitedPower

Posts: 1
Joined: 1/20/2010
Status: offline

I suggest that you just have him spank you hard every night for a while and put you in the corner. It may take a while but if he has a dom side, that should bring it out of him.

Other than that, I'd say you go see a dominatrix and have her teach him how to dom you.

(in reply to WantingToServe11)

Post #: 38

RE: Introducing my vanilla BF to the lifestyle...? - 6/9/2010 4:24:14 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: UnlimitedPower

I suggest that you just have him spank you hard every night for a while and put you in the corner. It may take a while but if he has a dom side, that should bring it out of him.

I disagree completely. That would at best create a service Top, and at worst an abuser.

Showing him the tools and making him use them while under her orders will not make him a Dominant. And repetition of a pattern will not create a desire.

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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Post #: 39

RE: Introducing my vanilla BF to the lifestyle...? - 6/9/2010 7:56:38 AM

pdv99

Posts: 140
Joined: 3/13/2007
From: UK
Status: offline

There are other options if he isn't interested in dominating you:

1) TALK to him openly and directly about your desires and unfulfilled needs - see how he reacts.
2) If he is more submissive than dominant, perhaps the 2 of you might look for a dominant who is interested in topping both of you?
3) It's a longshot, but perhaps he would be content for you to be topped by another, either in front of him or privately.

We'd all love to find the perfect "one" - but humans are so complex that it's going to be rare to find one person who is 100% of what we want and need. So we either settle for less and lead a poorer life, put up with it for a while and then split or cheat, or we need to find new ways to manage relationships where different needs are met by different people in an open way. Yes, that approach may struggle against jealousy and insecurity but I'm beginning to believe it may be the best answer for many.

(in reply to WantingToServe11)

Post #: 40

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