Introducing my vanilla BF to the lifestyle...?

Introducing my vanilla BF to the lifestyle...? (Full Version)

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shellymeow -> Introducing my vanilla BF to the lifestyle...? (6/7/2010 12:47:14 PM)
Hello! Long time lurker... anyway, I am a submissive. My previous relationships have been with Dominants, and I have become accustomed to the submissive lifestyle. Not just in the bedroom, as a 24/7. It is the life I love. Anyway, the man Im with now (who I love dearly), is... vanilla... much to my dismay. For the last year and a half or so, Ive tried to accept it and try out a vanilla relationship and it is simply not working for me anymore. He and I spoke about it - hes long known my background and sexual preferences... though hes done nothing about it despite his promises to try. Though recently we had a more serious conversation that was more or less "you need to do something or I dont know if I can do this anymore" - so he has more seriously said he would make an attempt - but those attempts all rely on me teaching or showing him... and I dont know how to! Plus his insecurity issues lead him to think that Im going to leave him... which turns into an entirely other mess. As Im sure most of you know, a LOT of a Dominant submissive relationship is based on mental aspects... and he is young and immature and doesnt understand why that makes a difference. To be honest, hes really actually really immature and inexperienced sexually and has the entire man mentality about sex... no foreplay, fuck, he cums, were done. Ive supplied him with toys and tools, with which he does nothing but ignore. I dont think he has a Dominant bone in his body! Hes actually quite submissive I would have to say. So, enough blabbing on my part... what would you all suggest I do? Ive never trained a Dominant, and I have no clue where to even start. Its overwhelming, but I love him and I know it upsets him to not be able to please me... so I need to do something...

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Introducing my vanilla BF to the lifestyle...? (6/7/2010 12:50:46 PM)
You recognize that you're asking him to do a lot of new and challenging things which he doesn't know how to do, and yet you're coming on here admitting you don't know how to do it either. Have you ever asked him what he wants? Have you ever asked him to share his fantasies? I'd say your main issue here is confidence- he's not confident in himself, and I'm guessing part of you likes that because it makes him easier to be spoiled and secure. It's extremely rare a vanilla relationship evolves into a Ds dynamic one or even a consistently kinky one with one person being the primary motivator. But it can happen.

LaTigresse -> RE: Introducing my vanilla BF to the lifestyle...? (6/7/2010 12:56:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: shellymeow Hello! Long time lurker... anyway, I am a submissive. My previous relationships have been with Dominants, and I have become accustomed to the submissive lifestyle. Not just in the bedroom, as a 24/7. It is the life I love. Anyway, the man Im with now (who I love dearly), is... vanilla... much to my dismay. For the last year and a half or so, Ive tried to accept it and try out a vanilla relationship and it is simply not working for me anymore. He and I spoke about it - hes long known my background and sexual preferences... though hes done nothing about it despite his promises to try. Though recently we had a more serious conversation that was more or less "you need to do something or I dont know if I can do this anymore" - so he has more seriously said he would make an attempt - but those attempts all rely on me teaching or showing him... and I dont know how to! Plus his insecurity issues lead him to think that Im going to leave him... which turns into an entirely other mess. As Im sure most of you know, a LOT of a Dominant submissive relationship is based on mental aspects... and he is young and immature and doesnt understand why that makes a difference. To be honest, hes really actually really immature and inexperienced sexually and has the entire man mentality about sex... no foreplay, fuck, he cums, were done. Ive supplied him with toys and tools, with which he does nothing but ignore. I dont think he has a Dominant bone in his body! Hes actually quite submissive I would have to say. So, enough blabbing on my part... what would you all suggest I do? Ive never trained a Dominant, and I have no clue where to even start. Its overwhelming, but I love him and I know it upsets him to not be able to please me... so I need to do something... It's apparent the boy is not dominant and has no interest in being dominant. At best, you will get a slightly submissive top. You either need to suck it up and take him as he is, the guy you fell in love with, find a top to play with, with his consent, or move on.

lizi -> RE: Introducing my vanilla BF to the lifestyle...? (6/7/2010 1:03:13 PM)
It seems as though you both want to give it a try but I have to wonder why you want to do the age old thing of being with someone and then trying to get him/wanting him to change? He is who he is. You are saying you can't deny who you are any longer, but perhaps him trying to change to suit you means he is denying who he is. It just seems as though he's had plenty of time to try things but he isn't interested. If you've had to ask multiple times and it's still not happened I'm just not sure it's ever going to happen. I hate to be a wet blanket because I know you love each other but it seems rather hopeless.

divi -> RE: Introducing my vanilla BF to the lifestyle...? (6/7/2010 1:04:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: shellymeow Hello! Long time lurker... anyway, I am a submissive. My previous relationships have been with Dominants, and I have become accustomed to the submissive lifestyle. Not just in the bedroom, as a 24/7. It is the life I love. Anyway, the man Im with now (who I love dearly), is... vanilla... much to my dismay. For the last year and a half or so, Ive tried to accept it and try out a vanilla relationship and it is simply not working for me anymore. He and I spoke about it - hes long known my background and sexual preferences... though hes done nothing about it despite his promises to try. Though recently we had a more serious conversation that was more or less "you need to do something or I dont know if I can do this anymore" - so he has more seriously said he would make an attempt - but those attempts all rely on me teaching or showing him... and I dont know how to! Plus his insecurity issues lead him to think that Im going to leave him... which turns into an entirely other mess. As Im sure most of you know, a LOT of a Dominant submissive relationship is based on mental aspects... and he is young and immature and doesnt understand why that makes a difference. To be honest, hes really actually really immature and inexperienced sexually and has the entire man mentality about sex... no foreplay, fuck, he cums, were done. Ive supplied him with toys and tools, with which he does nothing but ignore. I dont think he has a Dominant bone in his body! Hes actually quite submissive I would have to say. So, enough blabbing on my part... what would you all suggest I do? Ive never trained a Dominant, and I have no clue where to even start. Its overwhelming, but I love him and I know it upsets him to not be able to please me... so I need to do something... If you love him dearly why not just accept him for what he is ? And how are you being submissive going to make him Dominant ?

IronBear -> RE: Introducing my vanilla BF to the lifestyle...? (6/7/2010 1:04:59 PM)
I agree with LaTigresse (how could I not?), I'm a huge believer in compromises. Both of you need to make compromises and if not lass, trade him in for a kinky lad. Remember, your heart will heal faster than your eventual anger and disappointment in the current lad if you are not the one to make hard choices.

shellymeow -> RE: Introducing my vanilla BF to the lifestyle...? (6/7/2010 1:06:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse It's apparent the boy is not dominant and has no interest in being dominant. At best, you will get a slightly submissive top. You either need to suck it up and take him as he is, the guy you fell in love with, find a top to play with, with his consent, or move on. Thats a huge part of the problem. With the vanilla aspect aside, hes an amazing BF and I love him and want to be with him! Ive definitely thought about maybe having some mutual agreement where once a month or whatnot, with a person of my choosing (that he can approve of also), I can go and do my thing. But even starting to bring that up brought him to tears and hysterics with the insecurity saying Im going to leave him! Which, I am not. That makes it tough, cause no doubt my mind has started to wander - and Im scared that with no change Ill end up cheating on him to get what I need... and that would hurt him even worse.

divi -> RE: Introducing my vanilla BF to the lifestyle...? (6/7/2010 1:09:18 PM)
So shelly just do the grown up thing and break up .. dont string him along. Let him be an amazing boyfriend to someone else. Someone who may appreciate that in a person

LaTigresse -> RE: Introducing my vanilla BF to the lifestyle...? (6/7/2010 1:11:06 PM)
You remind me of a friend of mine..........she eventually did wander and hurt a really nice guy. I suggest you do some serious self contemplation and decide what you really want, what you will do (be honest with yourself) if you do not get it from him, then proceed accordingly. It is far better to hurt him now with honesty than later on with dishonesty.

shellymeow -> RE: Introducing my vanilla BF to the lifestyle...? (6/7/2010 1:11:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: divi So shelly just do the grown up thing and break up .. dont string him along. Let him be an amazing boyfriend to someone else. Someone who may appreciate that in a person I know... I knew that was likely the best answer all along. But Im denying it, and as a last chance at hope... tried here. I was hoping someone would be able to tell me something to justify my thinking... Breaking up isnt something I want to think about, it will kill him likely more than it would kill me... Its a tough pill to swallow...

divi -> RE: Introducing my vanilla BF to the lifestyle...? (6/7/2010 1:12:06 PM)
so true LaT..

leadership527 -> RE: Introducing my vanilla BF to the lifestyle...? (6/7/2010 1:14:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross It's extremely rare a vanilla relationship evolves into a Ds dynamic one or even a consistently kinky one with one person being the primary motivator. But it can happen. Well, ours did... sort of. But after 12 years together I'm not sure that it was possible for just one of us to be the primary motivator in anything... we zig and zag together as a general rule. Also, I'm not so sure that our relationship "evolved" into a D/s one. It's more accurate to say "we discovered that it was one, then took the ball and ran with it." That's the part of the OP that bothers me. For Carol and I, this was like ducks to water. But from the OP, it sounds like it's quite the opposite. She doesn't sound all that submissive and he doesn't sound all that dominant. In point of fact, it is HER who is shaping the relationship, not him. I'm wondering if a refocus on top/bottom makes more sense for them.

IronBear -> RE: Introducing my vanilla BF to the lifestyle...? (6/7/2010 1:17:40 PM)
I'm sorry I'm jus having trouble with the thought of an amazing BF bursting into tears and hysterics with the insecurity saying she's going to leave him just because she hints at a compromise. I know it happens but for the life of me I just can't get my head around it. She is a beautiful girl and I rather like what I see her write so in my book she deserves a far better male in her life and one who will Dom her.

divi -> RE: Introducing my vanilla BF to the lifestyle...? (6/7/2010 1:20:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: shellymeow quote: ORIGINAL: divi So shelly just do the grown up thing and break up .. dont string him along. Let him be an amazing boyfriend to someone else. Someone who may appreciate that in a person I know... I knew that was likely the best answer all along. But Im denying it, and as a last chance at hope... tried here. I was hoping someone would be able to tell me something to justify my thinking... Breaking up isnt something I want to think about, it will kill him likely more than it would kill me... Its a tough pill to swallow... good luck doll ...

shellymeow -> RE: Introducing my vanilla BF to the lifestyle...? (6/7/2010 1:24:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: IronBear I'm sorry I'm jus having trouble with the thought of an amazing BF bursting into tears and hysterics with the insecurity saying she's going to leave him just because she hints at a compromise. I know it happens but for the life of me I just can't get my head around it. She is a beautiful girl and I rather like what I see her write so in my book she deserves a far better male in her life and one who will Dom her. Ah well thank you :) As for him, you can only tell who is is by what I paint him as... and unfortunately the topic of this post doesnt lend to a good image. For every bad thing I can say, I can say a few good. As for me not sounding submissive - How am I supposed to sound on an online forum? In my day to day life outside of a 24/7 relationship I have a fairly dominant personality as I lead a very stressful life that requires I lead it, or I get dragged in the dirt. That likely lends to why being a submissive is so important to me, its a release from that anxiety ridden hell.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Introducing my vanilla BF to the lifestyle...? (6/7/2010 1:28:13 PM)
IB you make it clear that it's the XX chromosome you pander to, but the reality here is that he's the one SHE chose all this time and wants to make him change. How would we all feel if a fem sub agreed to a collar and then two years later said "Hey how about you try the vanilla thing?" She also said "Though recently we had a more serious conversation that was more or less "you need to do something or I dont know if I can do this anymore"" so the BF apparently has very good reason to believe that she WILL leave him simply because he won't become a very different person than the one she's accepted and loved before now. Now, she has a right to make her choices for herself, relationships break up all the time and it sucks but it's honest. However, I really don't think we should be saying suggesting she's got any higher ground to stand on in this than he does.

divi -> RE: Introducing my vanilla BF to the lifestyle...? (6/7/2010 1:29:45 PM)
well put LA ~

leadership527 -> RE: Introducing my vanilla BF to the lifestyle...? (6/7/2010 1:30:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: shellymeow As for me not sounding submissive - How am I supposed to sound on an online forum? My apologies, what was a poor way to word it. Let me try to state it differently and as a question (which it is, I don't know you well enough to have opinions). When you think of "dominant" and "submissive", are you thinking in terms of sexual activities or as a core part of how the relationship runs. Most people refer to the sexual side as "topping" and "bottoming" and if that is, in fact, your focus, then it would help you to be focused on that and to ask your questions here using that terminology. And no, there is nothing less "real" or "genuine" about top/bottom vs. dom/sub. If, on the other hand, you are thinking in terms of him leading your relationship, then my confusion stands. It is currently you who is doing the leading. Perhaps the best thing for you to do is stop trying to lead?

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Introducing my vanilla BF to the lifestyle...? (6/7/2010 1:31:06 PM)
quote: As for me not sounding submissive - How am I supposed to sound on an online forum? In my day to day life outside of a 24/7 relationship I have a fairly dominant personality as I lead a very stressful life that requires I lead it, or I get dragged in the dirt. That likely lends to why being a submissive is so important to me, its a release from that anxiety ridden hell. So you want someone to provide you with a vacation and spoil you in exactly the way that makes you feel immediately yummy and horny. There's nothing wrong with that, but that's not submissive.

WantingToServe11 -> RE: Introducing my vanilla BF to the lifestyle...? (6/7/2010 1:32:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: IronBear I'm sorry I'm jus having trouble with the thought of an amazing BF bursting into tears and hysterics with the insecurity saying she's going to leave him just because she hints at a compromise. I was thinking the same thing.

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