im confused now!!

im confused now!! (Full Version)

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lally2 -> im confused now!! (6/7/2010 7:37:00 AM)
something jb wrote started this.... so blame her! [:)] and another thread on Ask a Master contributed to this too - it seems sometimes, or maybe its just me, that contradictions go around and around and frankly theyd make me dizzy if it actually mattered much to me, which it doesnt, cos ive sussed it [:)] (for me) but i do wonder sometimes what new folk make of it and i do remember hitting these contradictions and eventually filing them away as idiosyncratic and left them to collect dust. but right now we have a thread that (basically) is discussing how some Dominants come here believing that the way to a subs heart is to be a cold, hard unfeeling distant cruel bastard and then we have what jb has pointed out, that most Dominants want a sub with a brain. so which is it.

LadyCimarron -> RE: im confused now!! (6/7/2010 7:40:48 AM)
I think you stated it well. I think most of them WANT a sub with a brain. But some of them just THINK they have to have an " overly Dominant attitude" in order to get you girls to want them.

Jeffff -> RE: im confused now!! (6/7/2010 7:41:04 AM)
I vote brain. The brains to form an opinion . Then the stones to defend it and the self respect to disagree with me when I am wrong. All that makes the conquest and surrender, sweeter.

BitaTruble -> RE: im confused now!! (6/7/2010 7:44:23 AM)
Cold and heartless rarely works for long-term but can be a hell of a lot of fun. Like most things, moderation and a hefty dose of realism go a long way in life so, for long term, I vote for brains.. for a bita fun, cold and heartless works for a while but getting me hot and bothered with that method is not going to be capturing my loyalty, devotion or love as it generally only relates to parts of my body.. and pretty much the least important part in a lot of respects.

jbcurious -> RE: im confused now!! (6/7/2010 7:47:44 AM)
FFS Lally... like I don't get in enough trouble on my own?? [:D] Read my last post on "responsibilities of ownership"... I'd cut and paste but my phone doesn't do that.

IronBear -> RE: im confused now!! (6/7/2010 7:51:14 AM)
I can only respond for myself and none other lally sweet lady. I am not terribly interested in micromanaging a slave (never had anything owner wise to do with subs, so they are a bit of a mystery to me). Any slave of mine will need more than a bit of brain, she will need to be able to act independently of me when completing tasks (if she screws up there are no fireworks, but rather a debrief to ascertain why and if I need to be clearer in some instructions). If she is in my personal collar, she will need to do personal service as a butler or "gentleman's gentleman would regarding my clothing and preping baths etc (lets leave the erotic aspect out). If I need her to she will be my uniformed chauffeur, armed body guard (esp if I am carrying cash or valuables and will be licensed as such after being specifically and comprehensively trained by me). She may need to operate plant or machinery if I need a hand in the workshop. She will need to do or learn to do therapeutic massage and she will need to be able to report to me her doings or other matters I may have her check out for me including anything which needs maintenance which I may not be aware of. All in all she will double as my AdC (Aide d'Comp) aka PA. With all this she will be a well trained slave.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: im confused now!! (6/7/2010 8:13:28 AM)
quote: is discussing how some Dominants come here believing that the way to a subs heart is to be a cold, hard unfeeling distant cruel bastard and then we have what jb has pointed out, that most Dominants want a sub with a brain a) they believe it because plenty of women are willing to slobber all over themselves to get with THAT guy. Granted in four months they come weeping to the boards about it, but at the time, they leap in full force and will laugh at anyone trying to say "WAIT!" b) most doms actually do NOT want a sub with a brain. They say it, because that's the party line they know we want to hear, but in the reality of the relationship, questions are shamed and punished, creativity is stymied, and they really just want someone to suck them off when they want and otherwise be a mommy to them. Most doms aren't capable of handling actual mature solid adult relationships. Neither are most subs- which is why most relationship fail so regularly.

DomImus -> RE: im confused now!! (6/7/2010 8:15:51 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lally2 but right now we have a thread that (basically) is discussing how some Dominants come here believing that the way to a subs heart is to be a cold, hard unfeeling distant cruel bastard and then we have what jb has pointed out, that most Dominants want a sub with a brain. so which is it. Those two things cannot exist together?

LadyPact -> RE: im confused now!! (6/7/2010 8:31:05 AM)
The problem is that, on occasion, new folks come believing the stereotype. This tends to be true more often in the case of female Dominants, but it comes across for the males as well. It gets assumed, through very short glimpses of windows, that a Dominant must be that mean, cruel, yadda, yadda, whatever because they don't understand how the warm, compassionate, caring types have the ability to be the sadists, the disciplinarians, the wielder of authority. It seems to make much more sense for some to make the easy, yet untrue, assumptions. Same thing goes for the 'sub with a brain' thing. After all, it must be so much easier to obey if a person doesn't think on their own. (I hope that's coming through with the sarcasm that I intend.) When folks come here with these preconceived notions (oh, and especially the ones who claim to have years doing this) they lack all versions of balance. I honestly don't see how they can have such myopic standpoints. They have their quick glimpse of what they think it is, but don't have the full, multi-dimensional vision of how people interact for more than just short intervals. They don't see all the sides of a person or group of people. It gives them away at times of just how little they really have seen with their own eyes.

Kana -> RE: im confused now!! (6/7/2010 8:33:01 AM)
Aw fuck-lets not get to complicated. Doms like steaming wet cunts-anything after that is a bonus :-)

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: im confused now!! (6/7/2010 8:34:32 AM)
Pact well said- they also avoid the doms/top who GO SLOW because they want it all now. So they actually avoid the ones best suited to them, best able to help them take it easy, explore securely and will run right past them into the arms of the ones who will go hot hard heavy fast- and burn out the quickest. Their choices, their consequences.

IronBear -> RE: im confused now!! (6/7/2010 8:35:32 AM)
My friend, how could I not disagree with you? Like you I have seen this too. As a good Pagan friend oft says "Gods grant me courage to withstand and re-educate the ignorant, serenity to accept the challenges in my path and the foresight to hide the bodies of my failed self-control!"

ranja -> RE: im confused now!! (6/7/2010 8:50:43 AM)
Well, i cannot speak for others but in my case; my Husband is not a type that is intouch with His feminine side... i do not think He has a feminine side and would most definitely more suite the cold bastard description... no feelings on His sleeve ... luckily i have brains enough to know His soft spots.

AQuietSimpleMan -> RE: im confused now!! (6/7/2010 9:04:08 AM)
The NEW to the lifestyle what what the fantasy looks like, SO yes there are those who want the quivering in the wind, can't think for themselves slave who bends her will to the Dominant who have no feeling for her at all. I like to call spades here, A majority of people who find themselved in this lifestyle as a reality came to it from a fantastic point of view, either from literature or erotica that presents reality in a fairly skewed way. There are exceptions to all these rules but I must say in my experience I have met more who come into it thinking that it's all beatings and blow jobs than those who understand that it is just like any other relatiopnship with a some defined kinks and a defined Power Dynamic. I think that in most cases the only realy DIFFERENCE in a BDSM relalationship from a Vanilla one is the defined boundaries that we use. In the end People what what they want. I have met women who have been in this lifestyle for years who want the unfeeling, uncaring, Asshat of a Dom who literally treats them like shit, I have met Dom's who want a girl so stupid that they can feed them any line of bullshit and they'll take it. There is NO common line when it comes to this lifestyle stop trying to find one. The wants of people are as unique as the people themselves. QSM

allthatjaz -> RE: im confused now!! (6/7/2010 9:34:53 AM)
I agree with LuckyAlbatross and LadyPact but I also agree with AQuietSimpleMan. I believe that many potential relationships fall at the starting gate because everything is based too much on the ideal fantasy. I know a guy that isn't dominant at all but uses dominance to pull what he calls, young meat. He finds it quite amusing to call a girl 'cunt' and watch her drop her knickers. If you sat listening to his little act, you would probably think he was a tough arsed dominant but actually he's just found a useful tool that reaps him rewards. If he had to do that for more than a day or two, it would exhaust him and thats why his relationships are very short lived! I know some submissives enjoy being treated like meat. I know some dominants enjoy treating their sub like meat but I often wonder what it must be like to run a relationship where I had such a heartless indifference to my partner. Being a hard nosed bitch all of the time would be a lonely place and certainly not one with a meeting of minds. I believe the majority (not all) of guys/women that go down this route are not experienced and have read too many erotic BDSM novels or spent too long in cyber chat without getting out and experiencing the real thing.

UniqueRaven -> RE: im confused now!! (6/7/2010 10:11:47 AM)
The reality is that people are people, and we are all human beings. People tend to do things out of deep-rooted need that manifests itself on the surface as motivation. The motivation is the factor that determines the actions, ultimately. We can all give examples all day long of Doms and subs who have rushed into relationships, taken advantage of one or each other or both, or who have put on a false front in order to achieve a goal of simple sex, submission, and/or service on both sides of the kneel. i think that one thing we tend to overlook on the boards is that not everyone wants what we consider a healthy long term or even short term relationship. There are a lot of men and women who are here simply for fantasy fulfillment, or to ignore some deep rooted issue, or distraction, or whatever. We can't project onto others our reasons for what we do - people don't always do what you think that they should, so there can't be judgment - only acceptance. Ultimately it comes down to compatible goals, wants, and needs. For me, i have been taking my time to identify all of those - which i have now - and honestly, there's a lot of variability as to what i would consider a "successful" long term M/s relationship for me - from a position of simple service similar to what IronBear outlined, all the way to deep love and connection of relationship-based slavery. i know what i have to offer as a slave in my value equation, and the key to my being Owned again ultimately will be - again - compatibility of that deep-rooted need..both mine, and my Owner's. People are people, we can discuss all day long why they make the choices that they do - but ultimately we have to accept the simple fact that those are the choices that they make, and either accept them, or not.

leadership527 -> RE: im confused now!! (6/7/2010 11:01:52 AM)
Well, it wasn't all that log ago that I was that new dominant coming here. I didn't actually give much thought to what "most subs" were expecting of me. I was more interested in trying to understand the overall lay of the land and how I might or might not fit into it. Even had I been single at the time, I can't imagine myself defining my own self on the basis of what "subs" want. Had I come and determined that in fact "subs" did want cold and heartless, I'd have just concluded "wrong pool for me to be dipping my toes in".

lally2 -> RE: im confused now!! (6/7/2010 11:10:28 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DomImus quote: ORIGINAL: lally2 but right now we have a thread that (basically) is discussing how some Dominants come here believing that the way to a subs heart is to be a cold, hard unfeeling distant cruel bastard and then we have what jb has pointed out, that most Dominants want a sub with a brain. so which is it. Those two things cannot exist together? yes they can, and thats the whole point in a way. as bita says, its hot when he turns the bastard tap on but as maria says and bita says thats not sustainable (we know that). how soulless would that be. and i agree that there are people who use this to tap into that part of the female sub psyche that kinda likes a bit of rough treatment and there are some that love it all the time. i agree with you uniqueraven and others whove said the same, that its all about choice but im still curious how two new Doms have both said recently that they came here thinking it was all about being a bastard and are discovering that actually it isnt and that more can be achieved by just being themselves, loving, caring and careful. i think LP and others who said that its all about being exposed to fantasy literature etc are probably on the money there too - but ive certainly met guys who reputedly had plenty of experience but still held on to the idea that to be distant and austere is the route to go. im kinda with LA in that many men dont want a woman with brains - least thats not what they set out to find. pretty much all of the men ive dated were after tits, arse and something to hit - when they found i could be entertaining cerebrally i honestly saw a turn around in their thinking - they began to enjoy engaging my brain too. im fairly certain that it is the new folk on the block, armed with fantasies and no clue who probably out number 'us' - perhaps its just a learning curve people have to go through. the fact that people think this though and its obvious that they do - that all dominants are abusive bastards and all subs are weak fuck ups seems unavoidable. thanks guys xx

lally2 -> RE: im confused now!! (6/7/2010 11:41:27 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: leadership527 Well, it wasn't all that log ago that I was that new dominant coming here. I didn't actually give much thought to what "most subs" were expecting of me. I was more interested in trying to understand the overall lay of the land and how I might or might not fit into it. Even had I been single at the time, I can't imagine myself defining my own self on the basis of what "subs" want. Had I come and determined that in fact "subs" did want cold and heartless, I'd have just concluded "wrong pool for me to be dipping my toes in". yes i was thinking this a time ago. that of course we are all focused on what we want - and maybe thats where it goes a bit pear shaped for some as a relationship evolves. the sub then reverts to focusing on want the Dom wants and the Dom carries on thinking about what he wants - because of all the reasons we've already mentioned. that is the impression ive been given by many of the Doms ive dated - to the point of me having no 'wants' of my own atall. so where do these guys get their unrealistic assumptions from - im not citing one or two people, statistacally im talking pretty much 80% of the guys ive dated in the past. ok, to a certain extent i was attracted/attracted - but for a while there i really believed that was what a Dominant was, there was no other option available to me and when i discovered there was it took a bit of time to adjust to that. i dont know what im saying here, just i find it interesting. x

DesFIP -> RE: im confused now!! (6/7/2010 11:43:52 AM)
Both and more, but all at the right time. When we're discussing how to repair the house, sadism doesn't fit the bill but his brain does. If I have a panic attack, then neither of those, just calmness and him radiating the fact that it's safe and he is in control. When the teen is being a royal PITA, then the cold heartless bastard comes in useful. I need him to be a multifaceted person, just like I am.

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