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RE: I am a masochist - 5/22/2010 10:21:03 PM

StrongSpirit

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I think part of the issue is that if someone else is doing it, then there is a safety valve with a partner. The fact that someone else agreed to do it means that two people think the particular activity is acceptable rather than just one lone lunatic.

It's like the difference between seeing one person screaming and running down the street and two people. If you see one guy doing it, chances are you think he is just a crazy bum. If you see two people, you look around for a fire, sniper, tornado, etc.

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RE: I am a masochist - 5/22/2010 11:18:26 PM

catize

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quote:

How the hell do the rest of you perfect people only enjoy extreme stimulation if the person besides you says it is ok?

Now.. before you all say, you are sick, you need help, ect. I KNOW my issues. I wonder how well the rest of you know yours.

You make an interesting point, yet I find your last two sentences a bit defensive. I have realized that when a particular topic lights my 'hot button', it is time to take a step back and examine why my reaction is so strong.
Some of us are acutely aware of the areas of our life that are problematic. But insight does not always change our behaviors.
In my experience, it is usually easier to see someone else' difficulties but we 'can't see the forest for the trees' when it comes to our own. It is so much easier to give advice than to take it.

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RE: I am a masochist - 5/23/2010 1:11:45 AM

reynardfox

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To paraphrase Maurice Chevalier, cue music, lights, camera, "Thank heaven for little masochists, for little masochists get kinkier every day, Thank heaven for little masochists, they squeal in the most delightful way, Little masochists sometimes have a difficult life, it's true, but without them what would little sadists do?
Cut and fade

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RE: I am a masochist - 5/23/2010 1:50:35 AM

Missokyst

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Of the cutters I knew, the ones that felt worse afterward, felt worse out of guilt because they cut, not because the initial issue was still plaguing them. Guilt does more damage than anything I know. Which is why I take offense at all the fingers pointing at people who say "get therapy, you are sick"

quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite
If you are hurting yourself to try to cope with emotional pain, if you feel worse afterward, then you might want to consider talking with a kink-aware professional about your activities, and possibly redirect them into a different channel.

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RE: I am a masochist - 5/23/2010 1:53:52 AM

Missokyst

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I often make statements that might seem defensive, however, that is only to make a point when I know people just don't get it. In that masters forum post, the first few people started in on the sick, therapy stuff, rather than asking how he believed she was harming herself.
I myself, rarely let anyone or anything shake my knowlege of myself. But I will defend to the death someone elses right to be comfy in their skin.

quote:

ORIGINAL: StrongSpirit

I think part of the issue is that if someone else is doing it, then there is a safety valve with a partner. The fact that someone else agreed to do it means that two people think the particular activity is acceptable rather than just one lone lunatic.

It's like the difference between seeing one person screaming and running down the street and two people. If you see one guy doing it, chances are you think he is just a crazy bum. If you see two people, you look around for a fire, sniper, tornado, etc.

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RE: I am a masochist - 5/23/2010 3:48:40 AM

LillyoftheVally

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I wrote a fairly long reply to the thread that is similar to this reply, its all about the motivation.

I am going to take a simple example of something that I am sure many people do, when I am having a wank I pinch my nipples, it makes me cum quicker so though it is not cutting it is a socially acceptable version of what the op is talking about. If I was stressed and hating myself and I pinched my nipples as a form of punishment, not to get enjoyment out of it but to scold myself then it is coming from a different place. I don't see either place as being a bad thing, most of us self harm in one way or another but it is easier to get on your high horse about a scar. I have done both forms of pain infliction, both out of being depressed and being horny, I have done it for the rush and I have done it to stop crying. For me it has been a far healthier outlet than others that I have attempted.

I notice on this site more than the British counterpart the go to response is 'get therapy' I dunno maybe american therapists are better than british ones but I know more people who got nothing from therapy than felt better after it. Thats no to say I hate the idea of therapy, I think it does work for some but not for everyone.

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RE: I am a masochist - 5/23/2010 6:39:02 AM

DesFIP

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I think part of the problem with therapy in Britain is that you don't get to choose your therapist. You get on a list and maybe two years later get assigned one. But if you don't feel comfortable with them, you can't switch.

Here, we interview the therapist just as much as the therapist interview us and see if we feel comfortable talking to them, and if they feel comfortable with our issues. It isn't uncommon for a therapist to say that he/she doesn't have much experience with your issue and to recommend someone who would fit you better. Because therapy is definitely made to order, not off the rack.

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RE: I am a masochist - 5/23/2010 8:18:53 AM

Andalusite

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I tried to include both the motivation (doing it from emotional pain, or trying to feel anything at all instead of numb) and the possible outcome (feeling badly afterward). I don't think that therapists, especially KAP folks, are only for people who are unheathy or mentally ill. They can be a good sounding board for helping people who have had bad experiences separate that from their kinky urges, or find ways to express their kink in healthy ways. I wouldn't suggest going to a regular therapist for something like this, since they're not as likely to be aware of healthy forms of masochism. Anyway, whether or not it's solo isn't the issue, what is important is your motivation, and how you feel about yourself afterward. If you're doing it to masturbate, or because it physically feels good, great! If not, it's probably worthwhile to think more about why you are doing it, and whether or not it's a good idea.

< Message edited by Andalusite -- 5/23/2010 8:19:56 AM >

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RE: I am a masochist - 5/23/2010 8:48:54 AM

Missokyst

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Unlike most here I think I view cutting from a practical standpoint. Not just as an aid to vent a masochistic and sexual urge, but as a pyschological vent from a person who is masochistic. The difference as I see it is that I actually know why I cut, when I was cutting. It wasn't like it was my only way of expressing myself. What it was instead was "choosing" that way to express myself. I mean, I could have been disrespectful to my upbringing and yelled at someone. I might have been incessantly moody and angry at the world. Or, I might have opted to take the route so many of my generation took, drugs. Instead I chose to inflict my anger on me, rather than passing it around to the unwary. And in addition I was totally in control. In fact control is a huge theme in cutting.

When I see people using the standard proclaimation that basically means "that person must find the reason they do this bad thing so they can stop." I wonder if they know why they do things. And when I see it here on a forum which is largely built from masochists and sadists, I wonder do they realise that when they have that desperate need to inflict or receive pain there is an underlying reason they may not recognize. As a cutter I always knew why. There was no doubt in my mind.

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RE: I am a masochist - 5/23/2010 9:28:56 AM

porcelaine

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Missokyst,

quote:

Unlike most here I think I view cutting from a practical standpoint.

Practicality doesn't make something sane. It just means that's the value you've assigned in your head.

quote:

Not just as an aid to vent a masochistic and sexual urge, but as a pyschological vent from a person who is masochistic.

All cutters are not masochists nor are their urges sexually motivated. In fact, for many that isn't the case at all. Cutting is a response to stimuli - self induced and externally received.

quote:

What it was instead was "choosing" that way to express myself. I mean, I could have been disrespectful to my upbringing and yelled at someone.

So instead of venting your frustrations at the source of your angst you turned it on yourself. And that's better?

quote:

Instead I chose to inflict my anger on me, rather than passing it around to the unwary. And in addition I was totally in control. In fact control is a huge theme in cutting.

If you told me this I'd think you placed a higher value on those that hurt you than you did on yourself. Although I agree with not taking your issues out on other people, but once again they have priority over 'you' in that context. Control is a factor but it's really a fragmented truth. If the person was in control they'd call the spade what it is and be done. Cutting is both a release, relief, and self-punishment.

quote:

When I see people using the standard proclaimation that basically means "that person must find the reason they do this bad thing so they can stop." I wonder if they know why they do things.

Awareness doesn't diminish what it is. It just means you're consciously choosing to engage. The real clincher is what you're getting out of it. Much like other things you quit when the reasons for continuing are altered. Either the payoff changed, you found a new outlet, or adopted a new belief about the act.

And I did reply to the other thread as well. Thanks for sharing. :)

~porcelaine

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RE: I am a masochist - 5/23/2010 9:34:00 AM

Missokyst

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I truly believe masochism is part of a cutters schema. Not all masochism is sexually based. Sure it is fun when it is, but we only like to think of masochists being ok if doing such things are attached to pleasurable things.

quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine

quote:

Not just as an aid to vent a masochistic and sexual urge, but as a pyschological vent from a person who is masochistic.

All cutters are not masochists nor are their urges sexually motivated. In fact, for many that isn't the case at all. Cutting is a response to stimuli - self induced and externally received.

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RE: I am a masochist - 5/23/2010 9:40:03 AM

Missokyst

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yes, for me it was. In addition to being masochistic I am also submissive. My mindset has always been to put other people above myself.

Now.. you arent saying that, that is a bad thing are you?

As far as what I was getting out of it, I knew. I felt relaxation.
I still do not see what the difference is between this, and smoking, drinking, taking drugs, or finding some sadistic dominant partner that helps me "vent safely" I was very safe in my hands.

quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine

quote:

What it was instead was "choosing" that way to express myself. I mean, I could have been disrespectful to my upbringing and yelled at someone.

So instead of venting your frustrations at the source of your angst you turned it on yourself. And that's better?

yes, for me it was. In addition to being masochistic I am also submissive.

quote:

Instead I chose to inflict my anger on me, rather than passing it around to the unwary. And in addition I was totally in control. In fact control is a huge theme in cutting.

quote:

When I see people using the standard proclaimation that basically means "that person must find the reason they do this bad thing so they can stop." I wonder if they know why they do things.

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RE: I am a masochist - 5/23/2010 9:58:57 AM

porcelaine

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Missokyst,

quote:

I truly believe masochism is part of a cutters schema

You don't need to be a masochist to inflict self harm. A good dose of self loathing goes a long way.

quote:

yes, for me it was. In addition to being masochistic I am also submissive. My mindset has always been to put other people above myself. Now.. you arent saying that, that is a bad thing are you?

How do you differentiate between everyone and the one you serve, since they're all above you so to speak?

~porcelaine

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RE: I am a masochist - 5/23/2010 10:48:00 AM

Missokyst

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I do not "serve" anyone. When I am in a relationship I am a great girlfriend/wife, what ever to my mate. Having done this stuff long before it became a net-wave, I did things the old fashioned way, because I needed to please my mate.

As for differentiating... I am a hostess. I have run groups, organized events, way back, even as a child. My personality is geared to making sure people are comfy.

I loathe my belly with the surgical scar. But otherwise I think I did a remarkable job raising my family, getting my degrees, making a living, and not relying on outside help.

I am too heavy, but I am ok with that until seasons change. I hate the white streak birthmark in my hair. lol no matter what you may think I am quite content, even when I was an active cutter. There is very little in there that I am not aware of which impedes my life.

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