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Realistic Expectations - 5/12/2010 3:46:52 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		A couple posts here made me wonder about expectations. We tell people to be realistic in what they expect..that online interactions don't necessarily mean as much as they might think...right? How many of us though have found ourselves doing the opposite and expecting the unrealistic though? Isn't it human nature for your mind to fill in the blanks with what you would WANT someone to be like? Do we even know when we are doing it? I know I personally have caught myself jumping the gun and having to back up and say what do I really know to be fact? Has anyone else done this or failed to do it and found out at the first meeting they should have? How skeptical should we be of another's veracity over the internet to stay realistic without being jaded?

I know it's a list of questions, there isn't any one question to the post as much as I am attempting to engage discourse on the idea of realistic first meeting expectations and how you approach that and yourself in that regard.

(edited for spelling)

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 5/12/2010 3:50:18 PM >

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When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.
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RE: Realistic Expectations - 5/12/2010 3:54:31 PM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		Grin - Yes, I've had similar experiences, they were more frequent when I was relatively new to online dating.

Over time I think two things have happened - first I've got a little better at filtering - figuring out how likely it is that I'll be compatible with someone, and second I've definitely got better at managing my expectations.

These days, I'm pretty good at going to a first meeting with very few expectations - My goal is to have a pleasant cup of coffee with someone. If it doesn't click, I'm a bit disappointed (so I'm still harbouring some expectations..) but these days I don't feel quite as silly if things don't work out.




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RE: Realistic Expectations - 5/12/2010 4:19:07 PM   
porcelaine


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Joined: 7/24/2006
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quote:

We tell people to be realistic in what they expect..that online interactions don't necessarily mean as much as they might think...right?


It isn't that the interactions are meaningless, but it's important for little miss head over feet to remember the other person may not be as enamored. Even if the words on the screen suggest differently.

quote:

How many of us though have found ourselves doing the opposite and expecting the unrealistic though?


My reference point was much different. I met and paired with people that were genuine and followed through with their intentions. Unfortunately, my experiences encouraged me to believe others were the same. I learned over time that wasn't the case and adjusted my thinking significantly.

quote:

How skeptical should we be of another's veracity over the internet to stay realistic without being jaded?


I don't view it in the context of skepticism, but sincerely question how much I'm willing to risk in the pursuit of happiness. And if interactions on the Internet are a necessity to bring that about. I can never know. There's always the possibility of being overly cautious or too gullible.

~porcelaine


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RE: Realistic Expectations - 5/12/2010 4:28:25 PM   
KnightofMists


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Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		I don't believe it's human nature to fill in the blanks... but none the less some people do it and some do not.

I thnk a person should be skeptical with regards to knowing another person over the internet. That is not to say it can't be done. But it's not going to be as easy as one can do in person. Ironically, I think some people are skeptical with those online but maybe alittle too trusting with those they meet face to face.

Regardless of how I meet someone.. the same standard to earn my trust is going to be set. The forum that we interact will affect how easily it is to jump over those bars. I met Kyra from an online environment and it took some time before there was a comfort and a desire for Kyra to meet me. Ironically, I wasn't trying to get her to meet me... in fact, I never expected to meet her. Realistically, I figured that we would never become anything more than two people crossing paths. What happen to us was the exception rather than the norm in my view.

To me.. jaded is being unrealistic to the negative. Being Realistic to me is more of being in the centre where one can shift and be unrealistic to the jaded or overly optimistic side. I have found that these shifts from realistic expectations are situations where one is allowing their emotions (overly postive or negative) to guide their thought processes and disregarding any type of logic or critical thinking. I believe we need our logic and our emotions to keep ourselves balance with reaslistic expecations.

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RE: Realistic Expectations - 5/12/2010 4:28:44 PM   
Jeffff


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Status: offline 		I don't know about other folks. I tend to expect really good things. It could be because that's what I want.

I would like it to be cool and comfy and hot. So I tend to go into things with high expectations even though I know better.

I generally prefer to meet sooner rather than later to keep things in check. It is possible to build someone up beyond reason to t he point where meeting can only be a let down.

Then again, I am a little whacked in the noggin.

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RE: Realistic Expectations - 5/12/2010 4:34:04 PM   
laurell3


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Status: offline 		Thanks KoM. How does one do that though? How do you know when you are even being unrealistic or too cynical?


By the way, I remember when Kyra was moving and how excited everyone was for all of you. I'm very glad it's working out so well, you all have my highest regard.


I can't say this post is about me per se...I tend to be overly cautious and talk to people for a very long time before meeting them, so other than my first few meetings, I have had pretty good radar and met what I expected to meet. Were my hopes high? Sure, but I'm not sure that in an of itself is unrealistic.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

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RE: Realistic Expectations - 5/12/2010 4:36:12 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I've never understood how people get all caught up in online stuff.

For me I've always seen online as just being a form of communication..nothing more or less. I have no expectations at all from anything online until I meet the person in real life and even then I still have none until we get to know each other for awhile in real life over a period of time.


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RE: Realistic Expectations - 5/12/2010 4:36:36 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		You're not wacked in the noggin goofy, you just want people to believe that. Hey your sanity is our little secret...oops...maybe not.

I tend to do the opposite though...meeting later rather than sooner seems to be the only approach that works for me. Looking back on the times that you went in with high expectations and were disappointed is there anything you would have changed? I guess what I am looking for is some constructive advice other than "don't do that" which seems to be what we say here on the boards often.


_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

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RE: Realistic Expectations - 5/12/2010 5:35:42 PM   
jbcurious


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Status: offline 		Gee Laurell... I think I might have done a little inspiring.

I'm pretty much the sooner the better when it comes to meeting someone and actually spend a very short time on line preferring webcam and phone, non sexual and no training, just getting to know them.

I'm a woman of 50, I don't play games, I read people quite well and i have a pretty good idea of what I'm looking for.

I know that I'm over the moon about my upcoming face to face and in spite of appearances am well aware the whole thing could fizzel at that time.

What won't fizzel is the part of me that he has managed to open up. That I am much more comfortable with what I am and am seeing the possibilities that this lifestyle offers me.

Of course I'm hoping for a good result but know there is no guarentee.

If I make a huge fool of myself, I can always disappear from here and come back as jbcautious...

< Message edited by jbcurious -- 5/12/2010 5:55:40 PM >

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RE: Realistic Expectations - 5/12/2010 5:45:28 PM   
laurell3


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Joined: 5/5/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious



If I make a huge fool of myself, I can always disappear from here and come back as jbcautious...


haha! It wasn't you..it was some lunatic, that clearly expected way too much...wait...unless you want it to be you...in which case, it was! Thanks though for your response.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

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RE: Realistic Expectations - 5/12/2010 6:17:21 PM   
DesFIP


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From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		It is human nature to fill in the blanks. We need only look at GIs marrying women they don't have a shared language with. They impose their own view on the other person and believe they are bridging the gaps. A few years later, after the language barrier has been breached, they discover they simply aren't that compatible.

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Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: Realistic Expectations - 5/12/2010 6:21:24 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		Well I agree it's human nature for some, maybe most. I'm pretty cynical and I catch myself doing it. But hoow do you know when you're doing it and stay realistic, that's the question.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

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RE: Realistic Expectations - 5/12/2010 6:22:32 PM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		Of course it's disappointing if things don't work out! When I was looking, I did try to meet relatively quickly (less than 3 weeks, unless there was a good reason otherwise). Before meeting, I mostly tried to screen obviously incompatible people out, and start getting to know them. I couldn't fall in love with someone I hadn't even kissed yet!

I'm not sure if any practical advice would be helpful to you. I don't think our patterns of falling in love or developing emotional connection/attachments is logical or rational. Getting more experience, developing better filters, listening to your gut, reminding yourself not to take rejection or lack of chemistry personally, and such all help, but I just don't think anyone has a lot of conscious control over our feelings for someone. We can decide what to do about them, though!

< Message edited by Andalusite -- 5/12/2010 6:50:36 PM >

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RE: Realistic Expectations - 5/12/2010 6:26:03 PM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		Obviously it takes a while, a weekend doesn't get it.

I don't know how you keep it real..(word).

I think you probably would have to take each circumstance into consideration on it's own merit.



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RE: Realistic Expectations - 5/12/2010 6:44:47 PM   
porcelaine


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quote:

I guess what I am looking for is some constructive advice other than "don't do that" which seems to be what we say here on the boards often.


I think the really big differences that I can glean from situations that went well versus those that did not is the response levels and continuity on the other party's end. It was never one-sided nor was I ever left wondering where I stood. No matter what occurred - both good or bad - my role was made abundantly clear without prompting on my part. Disagreements ended in dialogue, insecurities were understood and addressed, fears were calmed and reassurance was offered. We did these things for one another and never felt put off by what was given. I didn't have a running tab or applied a measuring stick regarding the sacrifices made or time afforded. We both showed up for the relationship and continued to do so until the desire for such was no longer present.

So how do you know? Oddly enough I knew because there wasn't a day that passed that I wasn't shown in some way that I was wanted and appreciated by my partner. It's the extra stuff, the additional steps that took place both near and afar that separate them from those that utter the same but have difficulty putting their words into action.

~porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

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RE: Realistic Expectations - 5/12/2010 6:46:55 PM   
forsaken555


Posts: 39
Joined: 12/2/2009
Status: offline 		I noticed there are a few people I have spoken to on here who are very adverse to the word "fantasy".

To me, I do not want the reality of real slavery, I want to be able to switch between reality and fantasy. The fantasy is role playing a slave to my master, and reality is just plain reality. I got a full time job, bills to pay, people and family to meet expectations of, a strong-willed and independent woman image to maintained, in a management position where I got a group of a men way older than me under me to manage, who probably resents being managed by a woman.

Do alot of people here have unrealistic expectations? Yes I feel quite a few I spoke to does. Alot seem to looking for a female to drop everything, all her independence and just be completely at his wimp. They expect a sub to simply zone out of reality and devote her entire life on focusing only on his needs. I dunno, reality check, subs needs matters too, at least perhaps I'd never be the sort of sub that meet these doms fantasy, but I expect a dom a care about my needs as much as I will care about his. Even if the fantasy is that the master and slave is never equal and the slave should always be the one giving more than the master, but that's the fantasy part, it's fun when you're role-playing it, but everyday for the rest of your life as reality? Perhaps there are women can do it and enjoy it, but I guess for me, I'm not into this to experience reality of real slavery. I am into this to have fun and enjoy myself, and hopefully be with someone who enjoys me as much as I enjoy him.

There was a sub I spoke to not too long ago. Her master required her to drop everything, even any contact from her family ever, leave her country, and be with him. He forbids her any interaction with her friends and family for the rest of her life, and those are his terms and conditions for her to be his slave. And I dunno what possess her to accept it except she tells me she loves him too much and can't be without him and now 2 yrs later, she's crying about her situation. No money, no friends, no contact with outside world, in a foreign country. *shrugs* absolutely nuts! Do some women really want that kind of reality?


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RE: Realistic Expectations - 5/12/2010 6:51:14 PM   
RedMagic1


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quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3
I guess what I am looking for is some constructive advice other than "don't do that" which seems to be what we say here on the boards often.

I only get naked around a woman if I can clearly visualize myself as her friend, helping her with vanilla life problems, with all of our clothes on, five years from now.  Understand, that's not a marriage fantasy.  It's a we-broke-up and still like each other "fantasy."  Unless that level of compatibility is there, I'll meet for coffee or dinner, but we won't have dessert afterward.


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Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

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RE: Realistic Expectations - 5/12/2010 11:36:55 PM   
domiman


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff
Obviously it takes a while, a weekend doesn't get it.


For some of us, it takes centuries!

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RE: Realistic Expectations - 5/12/2010 11:54:50 PM   
reynardfox


Posts: 417
Joined: 9/8/2009
Status: offline 		I think it pays to exchange a few emails to get to know more about prospective friends then you can weed out the idiots. To be honest, it must pay to be picky as we have met some great people through being on here, some of whom we will be seeing for a very long time. I had no idea there were so many fetish minded people in my area or that they all seem to be on Collarme.
Expect that people may not look exactly as though they do in the profile photos, no one updates as often as they should, and be patient, you are looking for sexual partners, not ordering a pizza.
We have found three Ladies who play with us already and we are at the initial stages with two more. Naturally, despite insisting that we are only looking for girls, we get messages from about six men a week, but hope springs eternal and all that and you can't blame a guy for trying.
I think if you accept that you are dealing with people and that everybody has their own agendas and issues, then you should meet someone you like, it may take time, and you really need to give a good picture of what you are looking for in a person and what you want to do.
So far, so good.

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RE: Realistic Expectations - 5/13/2010 12:16:53 AM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
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quote:

Alot seem to looking for a female to drop everything, all her independence and just be completely at his wimp. They expect a sub to simply zone out of reality and devote her entire life on focusing only on his needs.


In all fairness, irregardless of what he seeks, she has a choice as to whether she'll grant it or choose differently. I don't believe there's one way to relate, and as much as some would prefer to affix a standard definition to the terms/roles there were always be some measure of discontent. For some, slavery is precisely as mentioned and that's a reality they've willingly accepted. Whether they find fulfillment in doing so is another story.

quote:

I dunno, reality check, subs needs matters too, at least perhaps I'd never be the sort of sub that meet these doms fantasy, but I expect a dom a care about my needs as much as I will care about his.


Her subjugation is an outgrowth of the exchange, not a manifestation of ill regard on the dominant's part. Your ability to convey what you seek is important and should be explored before the other person arrives. If you're clear that relationships constructed along those lines are unsuitable for you that's fine. The clarity allows you to direct your interests in more suitable pastures.

quote:

now 2 yrs later, she's crying about her situation. No money, no friends, no contact with outside world, in a foreign country. *shrugs* absolutely nuts! Do some women really want that kind of reality?


Unfortunately, the idea of something and its stark reality can be largely different. Especially when other factors are involved and the calendar turns without any change in sight. I don't know if it's merely related to being naive and unrealistic, or the desire for a relationship exceeds the conscious realization of what that partnership will mean. But your friend isn't alone and I've encountered many that are woefully unhappy on the kneel. While the onus is on them for the decisions made, I don't ignore the ideas that are promoted and in some cases glorified within the ranks.

I'm not of the belief that slavery is the right path for everyone. It requires a definite personality type and a large level of self-sacrifice. The degrees of control differ for each pair, but most adults are accustomed to making their own decisions and doing so on a routine basis. Giving that up and allowing someone to do so on your behalf - whether he's right or wrong - while remaining obedient and surrendered is no easy task. Many are drawn to the fantasy or the supposed prestige they believe the title holds. On the other hand, others enter the dynamic with realistic eyes and eagerly embrace what some would find unsettling.

~porcelaine

< Message edited by porcelaine -- 5/13/2010 12:17:48 AM >

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