Sacrifice and compromise

Sacrifice and compromise (Full Version)

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KNelson -> Sacrifice and compromise (4/10/2010 4:29:59 AM)
I've been having this discussion with my SO, who is in a D/s relationship with another person -- our relationship is egalitarian and vanilla. We've been discussing sacrifice and relationships and it struck me that what is implicit in a vanilla relationship regards sacrifices made for the good of the whole is most frequently explicit in a D/s relationship. Moreover in the D/s relationship sacrifice and suffering seem to often find expression in scening. So an example, I guess. Vanilla couple can't decide on the color of a couch. They compromise on a more neutral color that both can live with. Each has made a sacrifice -- that is of what they really wanted. Most of the time, that kind of sacrifice is unremarked -- it's just part of the relationship. On large issues compromise and sacrifice required to keep peace in a relationship might be more explicit or at least much more known. For the D/s couple, the view of the s with respect to the couch may or may not be taken into account and of the D wants that putrid green, he or she will get it and the s will explicitly submit and sacrifice as that is the nature of the relationship -- or so it seems to me. I'm curious as to how you all might view the two dynamics and what might be implicit and explicit.

catize -> RE: Sacrifice and compromise (4/10/2010 6:05:50 AM)
quote: So an example, I guess. Vanilla couple can't decide on the color of a couch. They compromise on a more neutral color that both can live with. Each has made a sacrifice -- that is of what they really wanted. Most of the time, that kind of sacrifice is unremarked -- it's just part of the relationship. On large issues compromise and sacrifice required to keep peace in a relationship might be more explicit or at least much more known. For the D/s couple, the view of the s with respect to the couch may or may not be taken into account and of the D wants that putrid green, he or she will get it and the s will explicitly submit and sacrifice as that is the nature of the relationship -- or so it seems to me. I'm curious as to how you all might view the two dynamics and what might be implicit and explicit. Perhaps it is better explained by contrasting the individual's views of what takes place in the relationship. The non-D/s couple may regard the choice of couch color as either a compromise or sacrifice, depending on how much they care about decor. In D/s, (and this is my opinion only) the dominant (who has agreed to lead within the relationship) has the authority and the final say. The submissive (who has consented to abide by that authority) will accept the final decision; not as a compromise or sacrifice, but simply as submitting to the will of another. Many D/s couples do not 'scene'. Not all D/s couples are into S+M. Even for many who do, the crux of the relationship is about the fulfilling aspects of dominance and submission. What you may view as sacrifice or suffering may be, in fact, the foundation on which the relationship is built. I can tell you, that as a submissive woman, it brings joy to my life to submit to another's authority,. If I felt my submission was based on suffering or sacrifices I could not, would not, want D/s.

DesFIP -> RE: Sacrifice and compromise (4/10/2010 6:36:28 AM)
As he isn't a sadist, there is no sacrifice here. Our aim always is to have a win/win situation. As it happens we are looking to recover the couch and he doesn't care as long as it isn't pink, lol. But what I usually bring up for example is food. He thinks the only ice cream worthy of the name has chocolate in it. So if I really want a strawberry ice cream either I ask if we can go out so I can get a cup of it, or I buy two kinds at the grocery store. But like most couples, one is usually better at some things than another. If the dom spent 20 years in the military and therefore can eat anything that doesn't eat him first, he won't take over menu planning just to make the sub suffer. Some relationships have suffering and sacrifice because the people involved get off on that. Others don't. He makes the hard decisions because he makes better ones than I do and as a result I have an easier life.

UniqueRaven -> RE: Sacrifice and compromise (4/10/2010 7:53:14 AM)
The "vanilla" couple gets the beige couch that neither one of them really wanted in the first place - but they can both be satisfied with it. In my Owner/property relationship, my Owner gets the green couch that caught his eye that he really liked, and i don't care - i'm focused on Him, not the couch. A couch is simply something to sit on, for me - there are much more important things to focus on. [;)]

littlewonder -> RE: Sacrifice and compromise (4/10/2010 8:59:30 AM)
through maturity I've learned to pick and choose my battles carefully and know what is important and what is not. I chose to be in an unequal relationship. If he wants something and I don't...he gets it. I knew that walking in. The choice is his, not mine. Thankfully though because I chose wisely, he does take me into consideration with his choices and he gets to decide just how important that decision is. Now if he made a choice that was against my morals and values, I'd think I made the wrong choice in who I am with and I would have to make the choice to leave.

sunshinemiss -> RE: Sacrifice and compromise (4/10/2010 9:05:25 AM)
I think you are inaccurate about healthy vanilla relationships. Generally speaking they work where yes someone gives in at some point and the other person gives in at other points. If it's not an important issue for someone (A doesn't care about the color of the couch but B does, then what B wants is what goes. However, B doesn't like wind chimes, but A does, so a set is put up outside. B says that the bamboo ones aren't as hard on the ears as the little tinkly ones, so A gets bamboo ones.) Same is true for wiitwd. It's just not talked about as much. Seriously. Go ahead, flame me. I can stand it.

KNelson -> RE: Sacrifice and compromise (4/10/2010 9:27:43 AM)
sunshine I'd say that every vanilla couple compromises on some things -- it's inevitable. Sometimes one will give in and other times an alternate solution -- like beige couch is found. Both give a little and get a little.

LaTigresse -> RE: Sacrifice and compromise (4/10/2010 9:45:11 AM)
I believe there is some sort of personal sacrifice and compromise in ALL relationships. Each relationship will define what and how. For most, and the sucessful relationships, it is for the relationship, not necessarily for the other person. The phrase that KoM has said so often, comes to mind. About all three of them serving the relationship.

leadership527 -> RE: Sacrifice and compromise (4/10/2010 10:11:59 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KNelson I'm curious as to how you all might view the two dynamics and what might be implicit and explicit. As I compare my vanilla marriage to Carol with it's new M/s variant, I absolutely agree that "sacrifice" is much more conscious. I see that as an altogether good thing. The sacrifices still happen as they always must when there is disagreement, but now the sacrifice is noted and appreciated. The give and take though between us now is so much more explicit. In addition, the bar has been raised for both of us in terms of how much we are willing to sacrifice for the sake of the US. While we were always a close couple and each would willing sacrifice for the other, now that sacrifice has become total. What is not true of us is that the sacrifice goes one way. While I make all the decisions, that seldom means I get what I want. Carol's opinion on the couch color will always be taken into account, as will mine. The final decision will be my best effort at figuring out the optimal solution for the two of us. Sometimes that means an alternate win/win. Sometimes it means some sort of compromise. Sometimes I get my way. Sometimes she gets hers. In the end, it is all about US, not me.

RCdc -> RE: Sacrifice and compromise (4/10/2010 10:30:23 AM)
All healthy relationships have sacrifice and compromise, regardless of what type they are. the.dark.

kiwisub12 -> RE: Sacrifice and compromise (4/10/2010 10:57:27 AM)
There speaks a man who will never be lonely!

KNelson -> RE: Sacrifice and compromise (4/10/2010 3:39:39 PM)
Jeff, Was that really another way of saying that now that you are M/s compromises are explicit and when you husband and wife egalitarinly that compromises were implicit?

domiguy -> RE: Sacrifice and compromise (4/10/2010 3:44:05 PM)
And who are these men that really give a flying fuck about the color of their couch? dc, you around?

KNelson -> RE: Sacrifice and compromise (4/10/2010 3:49:11 PM)
Dude, I was trying to use an anodyne example. Apparently, I succeeded.

dcnovice -> RE: Sacrifice and compromise (4/10/2010 3:50:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: domiguy And who are these men that really give a flying fuck about the color of their couch? dc, you around? I sure am. In my experience the key variable is the color of the cat, since that's the color the couch will soon turn.

domiguy -> RE: Sacrifice and compromise (4/10/2010 3:52:35 PM)
As usual your words shall resonate throughout the community.

Politesub53 -> RE: Sacrifice and compromise (4/10/2010 3:53:23 PM)
Sofa, so good then. [8D]

zephyroftheNorth -> RE: Sacrifice and compromise (4/10/2010 4:14:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: dcnovice quote: ORIGINAL: domiguy And who are these men that really give a flying fuck about the color of their couch? dc, you around? I sure am. In my experience the key variable is the color of the cat, since that's the color the couch will soon turn. Which actually makes choosing the color of the sofa pointless. It makes more sense to choose based on price and comfort only [;)]

Jeffff -> RE: Sacrifice and compromise (4/10/2010 4:28:12 PM)
All I have is a shitty futon... and no cat I am so screwed

lally2 -> RE: Sacrifice and compromise (4/10/2010 4:46:44 PM)
.... have to say that the word 'sacrifice' makes me shudder a bit. being an s'type the idea of Him having to sacrifice anything makes my toes curl. but on the other hand - i dont want him to think im sacrificing either, its not a sacrifice to give, in fact quite the opposite. compromise is a much better word [:)] and that has happened in some situations with men ive been with and all of them were of a Dominant personality. i deffer my prefferrance on things and decisions to the guy - if im asked for an opinion ill give it but i wont expect it to be acted upon in any way at all. and thats just fine with me most of the time, sometimes it isnt, sometimes i ask if we can talk, but if the thing isnt gonna budge then it isnt and ill accept that. so if the sofa has to be green then it does, ill just accept im with a guy who has zero taste in decor. but its easy on stuff i dont much care about. when its something important to me then thats usually where compromise kicks in. on the important stuff compromise is always met - His work, life, commitments, my work life, commitments and how it can all fit in and work. im not sure that vanilla varies all that much when you boil it right down, except that when the final decision is made its made, thats that and i dont argue.

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