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My sub doesn't like BDSM anymore - 4/7/2010 8:05:50 AM

HK

Posts: 2
Joined: 6/13/2009
Status: offline

Here's the deal - I've lived with my sub for about an year and a half. She was actually the one, who introduced me to the concept of the BDSM relationship - I had my fantasies about it before I met her, but I hadn't had the chance to try. So we were quite happy - she'd found a Dom, with whom she could share most of her fantasies, and I finally had a sub, with whom I could live up mine. Time passed, and slowly she started to prefer vanilla than BDSM more and more often. Don't get me wrong - I love her for who she is, but I want to know why she doesn't like BDSM anymore. When I talk to her about this, she says that she just didn't feel like doing it now. Has such a thing happened to anyone?

Post #: 1

RE: My sub doesn't like BDSM anymore - 4/7/2010 8:40:14 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

Yup - it used to happen all the time, and honestly there was not a common denominator. I believe the main cause can be summarized as the idea or fantasy of being submissive, especially in my case in seeking a 24/7 dynamic, was different than reality. Submission after orgasm, after the tingling from the sensations of submission have waned, was never a part of the fantasy. There is the transition from a perspective of wanting to experience something and submitting to the experience, and then dealing with the emotions and mental process of what you have done. Often that conflicts with the person's entrenched morality. Many have a huge problem in reconciling their self esteem as a submissive; they can't see themselves as being both a strong, confident individual and 'submissive'. Often people don't know themselves as well as they think they do. That is true from either side of the flogger.

Then there is the more basic - 'DI-DI' (Did It - Done It). A reaction summarized by; "That was interesting and nice. I now know how that feels. I don't think I want to do it again." Closely related to the 'DI-DIA' (Did IT - Do It Again) but under terms and conditions that, in my opinion, would be identified as sensation seekers - not submission. Fun to play with, good bottoms who really do enjoy the physical aspects of play, but really aren't submitting to anything. Again, from either side of the flogger, a person coming from this perspective is a great party date for a club event.

It is a cross-road many relationships come to over time; whether Dominance and submission becomes a part of your life, or a 'lifestyle' equivalent of a different sex position.

Good luck! It if helps, what you are experiencing is common. There is no 'cure' and no prevention. Compatibility is sometimes a moving target.

(in reply to HK)

Post #: 2

RE: My sub doesn't like BDSM anymore - 4/7/2010 10:00:40 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

What Merc said, of course.

I am curious to know if by BDSM you mean s/m PLAY, or the actual power exchange? Many power exchange relationships continue along with play being a sideline---while I am a merry sadist, I will take service and obedience over play!

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Post #: 3

RE: My sub doesn't like BDSM anymore - 4/7/2010 10:18:29 AM

kittinSol

Posts: 16926
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HK

I want to know why she doesn't like BDSM anymore. When I talk to her about this, she says that she just didn't feel like doing it now.

Maybe she was curious and then realised that it just wasn't for her? It could be that neither of you are very good at it. It's not written in stone that you need it to be happy.

Talk is the key.

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Post #: 4

RE: My sub doesn't like BDSM anymore - 4/7/2010 10:22:50 AM

cloudboy

Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
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quote:

I will take service and obedience over play!

And the men are lining up to do just that, aren't they?

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Post #: 5

RE: My sub doesn't like BDSM anymore - 4/7/2010 10:23:44 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy

quote:

I will take service and obedience over play!

And the men are lining up to do just that, aren't they?

Ever the charmer, Cloudboy!! I am sure that your wife/mistress/whatever only beats your ass and demands nothing else.

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Post #: 6

RE: My sub doesn't like BDSM anymore - 4/7/2010 10:36:53 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I haven't had the experience happen to Me personally, but I've known some folks in the lifestyle who got to the point in their life that they just didn't want to do it anymore. I think some people try it for a while and decide it really isn't suited for them. (Not talking about intentional bait and switch here, which is completely another matter.)

When it comes to participating in those activities or relationship types that fall under the huge umbrella of wiitwd, not everyone is going to be the most happy when doing so. They may try it out for a while and it's kind of like a new toy to them. Sure, it's fun, and it spices things up for a while, but it doesn't really do anything for them. After trying both, they determine that the non kinky, equal power stuff is really where they most fit.

If it can be commonly accepted that some people discover and desire kink at certain stages in life, the opposite must also be true. It must also be possible that some people start kinky, but feel more true to their own selves taking the non kinky path.

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Post #: 7

RE: My sub doesn't like BDSM anymore - 4/7/2010 10:41:31 AM

DWCskitten

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Joined: 3/2/2010
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It's never happened to me, but i know people it has happened to. At any rate, that must bite.

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Post #: 8

RE: My sub doesn't like BDSM anymore - 4/7/2010 12:05:25 PM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HK

Here's the deal - I've lived with my sub for about an year and a half. She was actually the one, who introduced me to the concept of the BDSM relationship - I had my fantasies about it before I met her, but I hadn't had the chance to try. So we were quite happy - she'd found a Dom, with whom she could share most of her fantasies, and I finally had a sub, with whom I could live up mine. Time passed, and slowly she started to prefer vanilla than BDSM more and more often. Don't get me wrong - I love her for who she is, but I want to know why she doesn't like BDSM anymore. When I talk to her about this, she says that she just didn't feel like doing it now. Has such a thing happened to anyone?

how about spicing it up a bit - if its all got a bit predictable (maybe) - if its the same sensations and the same location -

does she have any outdoors fantasies - any predicament fantasies - maybe its just time to reinvent what you have and bring some zing back in

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Post #: 9

RE: My sub doesn't like BDSM anymore - 4/7/2010 12:21:45 PM

subtee

Posts: 5133
Joined: 7/26/2007
Status: offline

I'm sorry...

Is everything else in the relationship cool? Sometimes it's possibly possible that men (some men, possibly), might not always in every instance pick up on possible clues or maybe hints that bigger issues might possibly be involved. Sometimes.

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Post #: 10

RE: My sub doesn't like BDSM anymore - 4/7/2010 3:26:38 PM

reynardfox

Posts: 417
Joined: 9/8/2009
Status: offline

The thrill is gone, time to move on. Don't worry, - new adventures await!

(in reply to HK)

Post #: 11

RE: My sub doesn't like BDSM anymore - 4/7/2010 6:19:10 PM

sweetboundesire

Posts: 285
Joined: 10/29/2009
Status: offline

i find many people attracted to bdsm have an a.d.d type attention span. Hell, most of the good people I've met in the D/s life do. There is a point it gets "boring." I don't know what you do about it. I suppose she may really not be into bdsm with you anymore or it could be that, "the unknown" was very attractive and now, she just knows what to expect. I love the unknown, the unexpected. If she still digs you, if ya got it going on in all other areas, hell you have been together enough to, maybe it's boredom...if that's the case...well you are only limited by your imagination. There are a ton of directions you can go if you still got a good energy, connection, and respect between you. Go wild...humiliate her, surprise her, beat her in new and exciting ways! hell if it's your swan song, at least you'll be going out in style

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Post #: 12

RE: My sub doesn't like BDSM anymore - 4/7/2010 6:20:12 PM

Smutmonger

Posts: 995
Joined: 2/17/2010
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This is why it never pays for a top to be too much of a "one trick pony."

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Post #: 13

RE: My sub doesn't like BDSM anymore - 4/7/2010 11:38:54 PM

HK

Posts: 2
Joined: 6/13/2009
Status: offline

Thank you all for your opinions. I guess I have to clarify something - She's had a D/s relationship before and she loved being submissive. So I'm thinking it is not just a "trial and error" situation. However it might be very true that this could be a symptom of something more serious - like loss of trust between us. I can really tell for myself that I do not trust her as I used to - I do suspect that she might be cheating (no really a reason for it, just some weird feeling in my guts). However thanks for pointing this out.

(in reply to HK)

Post #: 14

RE: My sub doesn't like BDSM anymore - 4/8/2010 8:05:21 AM

Frankseas

Posts: 61
Joined: 1/16/2010
Status: offline

While it is very nice of you to be concerned about her. It may well be time to look else where? As a nice person like you will find some one that is right for you and that will want that kinky BDSM fun. All my best to you.

(in reply to HK)

Post #: 15

RE: My sub doesn't like BDSM anymore - 4/8/2010 8:22:50 AM

littleecho

Posts: 4
Joined: 3/3/2010
Status: offline

i know (not 100% of course!) that if it is waning, then something is amiss. if she had it before, D\s as you said, then “started it” with you, her issue is with you if she stopped it. she is not getting what she wants from you and she is hiding her feelings to tell you.

i could see one month later, but a year and a half and wants to stop now?

if you are still Dominant to her and she submissive and she won't give more info, make her journal. make her write her feelings. on paper because if electric, her words can be altered or swayed. (if there is another entity)

protect yourself and your heart, and be strong for you and her for there will be a confrontation at some point... for the good or bad.

(in reply to Frankseas)

Post #: 16

RE: My sub doesn't like BDSM anymore - 4/8/2010 8:42:50 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

How long was she into bdsm before you met? Sometimes people are curious and truly believe they MUST be sub or dom but when faced with the day to day, they find it doesn't fit anymore than anything prior had fit.

quote:

ORIGINAL: HK

Here's the deal - I've lived with my sub for about an year and a half. She was actually the one, who introduced me to the concept of the BDSM relationship -
. When I talk to her about this, she says that she just didn't feel like doing it now. Has such a thing happened to anyone?

(in reply to HK)

Post #: 17

RE: My sub doesn't like BDSM anymore - 4/8/2010 8:44:04 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I'm assuming the op means play, not a power relationship. If so, then she could be getting enough from every day stuff that she doesn't look forward to play.

He has this thing about constantly playing with my nipples. After he's been pinching them on and off all day, watching me jump as a result, he's ready for a full bondage/clamps session. I'm done. They're already too sore for me to take much more and I've had so much sensation there that I don't need any more.

He really gets a better response from me if he leaves them alone for a couple of days. If he chooses not to, then he's also choosing to have me not interested sexually and not able to tolerate much.

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Post #: 18

RE: My sub doesn't like BDSM anymore - 4/8/2010 3:17:09 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HK

Thank you all for your opinions. I guess I have to clarify something - She's had a D/s relationship before and she loved being submissive. So I'm thinking it is not just a "trial and error" situation. However it might be very true that this could be a symptom of something more serious - like loss of trust between us. I can really tell for myself that I do not trust her as I used to - I do suspect that she might be cheating (no really a reason for it, just some weird feeling in my guts). However thanks for pointing this out.

1.If you do not trust her then I can see how submitting to you might have become more difficult for her.
2.If she loved being a sub before with someone else then it might be possible that she may not like the way you interact with her as her dominant.

This is not about blame; it is about lack of communication.

If you are picking up a weird vibe and are not able to communicate with her ... (not necessarily telling her you think she is cheating but discussing that you have been sensing that something is "off") and she is unable to communicate why BDSM with you as her dom is no longer enjoyable to her, then basically the 2 of you have a huge communication gap and really need to sort that out.

edit: clarity

< Message edited by angelikaJ -- 4/8/2010 3:18:47 PM >

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Post #: 19

RE: My sub doesn't like BDSM anymore - 4/9/2010 12:19:34 AM

aldompdx

Posts: 538
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline

Be careful for what you wish.

It is not the source of fulfillment, which arises in the only place it is ever felt -- one's very own heart.

(in reply to HK)

Post #: 20

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