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Neediness & Withdrawl - 3/20/2010 7:30:34 AM   
SecretSin


Posts: 10
Joined: 2/7/2010
Status: offline 		Good morning, everyone.

For clarification, I created this name to post on the forums. So my profile is not active on the other side as I am not searching for a partner. 

Five years ago, I set out to find a dominant partner. Having known how I am wired since puberty, the submissive in me was something I suppressed for my whole adult life. I was confident enough at age 39 that I wasn't a freak, as I had believed for so long and it no longer was a 'secret sin' but a part of me that I could embrace and allow to develop further.

My goal then was not to find a life partner but to find a dominant man with experience who wouldn't mind a woman with no experience but a willingness and enthusiasm to delve further than just the thoughts in my mind. I found such a man whom I have had a beautiful 5 year relationship.

Neither of us want more of the relationship than what we stated in the beginning. It works for us. We have a shared energy that I never thought imaginable. We don't live together but live about 10 miles apart. We see each other perhaps twice a month depending on our busy schedules. It all works. 

Now comes my question, or perhaps I should say my confusion. As with any relationship, there are times when the relationship reaches this comfortable plateau, times when the intensity is heightened and times when there is a bit of a lull. 

During those times of heightened intensity, I start feeling a bit needy, for lack of a better word. It's during those times my own emotions confuse me.  When I realize that I am becoming needy, I start to withdraw and get sullen.

As I stated in the beginning of this novel I am writing, the relationship I have is exactly what I want and need in my life, as it is for him also (yes, we've had this discussion before). Yet when the intensity of the relationship reaches a new level, I suddenly seem to get this feeling of wanting more. That in turn starts to make me feel needy (e.g. wanting more interaction with him than we currently have). I'm not a needy woman but during those times I feel like I'm contradicting myself. 

I love my life. I love that he is part of my life to the degree to which we both balanced it. I don't want those things to change. Yet I still get these overwhelming emotions of wanting more when that intensity increases.

It's been like this for a while now and I've discussed it with him. He is wonderful at keeping me balanced and focused on the overall dynamic of our relationship during those times. But it still confuses me. You would think I would learn to get a grip on myself better since it's been like this for so long. But sometimes I feel like as the years go on, it gets harder rather than easier. 

I truly dislike feeling needy. He has told me that he didn't see it as needy but more like an emotional vein that gets filled with blood because of the increased circulation of our own energy. He has told me that instead of fighting it, to just allow the emotion to run it's course. But I'm having a hard time with this one and I don't know why. 

Every time I have tried to let it 'flow', it feels contrived. I find myself internally rebelling against that neediness and start to withdraw.

Does anyone have any suggestions? What I've noticed from reading the forums is that so many of you are brilliant at being able to see in someone's words aspects to things that the OP hadn't seen. 

Thank you for taking the time to read this very long post. I would appreciate any feedback.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Neediness & Withdrawl - 3/20/2010 7:38:00 AM   
LeatherBentOne


Posts: 469
Joined: 9/27/2005
Status: offline 		Perhaps more aftercare or a sudden drop after the intensity?

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RE: Neediness & Withdrawl - 3/20/2010 7:47:34 AM   
SecretSin


Posts: 10
Joined: 2/7/2010
Status: offline 		LeatherBentOne - Thanks for reading my novel.

I should have mentioned that in my original post. As this has been happening for a while now, a couple of years ago that is exactly what he did (and continues to do)...to give more attention during the aftercare.  But that needy feeling would come the day after and continue for a week or so. It's like that flood of emotion happens way after the fact.


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RE: Neediness & Withdrawl - 3/20/2010 8:09:11 AM   
Miyani


Posts: 248
Joined: 12/4/2007
Status: offline 		Well, here's the thing. Sub-drop doesn't just have to be in the hours after the scene. It often does come up more than a day afterwards, and can sometimes last the week. I'd search 'sub drop' in the forums for more of a description of the things that can happen, as the experience is a bit different for everyone.

What I'd recommend, though, is to make especially sure that you continue to feel connected to him in the week or so after you see each other. Daily phone calls, webcam chats, even meeting for coffee on your lunch breaks, just him letting you know that he's there. Also, break-up stuff, as weird as it sounds. Eat ice cream in front of a romantic comedy while you sob into a stuffed animal.

There's no shame in needing some extra reassurance. You're putting yourself in some very vulnerable positions, and like you said, there's a lot of emotional intensity. But learning what you need to deal with it and then asking for those things may even help you two become closer.

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RE: Neediness & Withdrawl - 3/20/2010 8:47:19 AM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		Perhaps you're falling in love?

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RE: Neediness & Withdrawl - 3/20/2010 9:00:02 AM   
SecretSin


Posts: 10
Joined: 2/7/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Miyani 

There's no shame in needing some extra reassurance.


Wow, that line hit me like a ton of bricks.

I didn't want to see that neediness as wanting extra reassurance. I always felt so confident in my relationship with him and the place I have in his life. I didn't want to believe I needed to be reassured. But there is a truth in your words for me.

Maybe that is what's been making me withdraw...that feeling of shame for needing the extra reassurance when I've proudly felt assured in us already. 

Thank you, Miyani.

edited to fix the quote thing


< Message edited by SecretSin -- 3/20/2010 9:02:10 AM >

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RE: Neediness & Withdrawl - 3/20/2010 9:09:13 AM   
SecretSin


Posts: 10
Joined: 2/7/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

Perhaps you're falling in love?


It's ironic that you mentioned that because neither one of us wanted to fall in love. Damn, that sounds so cold. But it's true. We both cherish each other, care for one another and I guess you can call it a form of love.  I'm not sure I know how to answer that, Aileen. Saying it out loud makes it even more unsettling than feeling it and not admitting it.

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RE: Neediness & Withdrawl - 3/20/2010 9:25:53 AM   
UniqueRaven


Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline 		i understand these feelings - they're more common than you think, and they are quite normal.

The solution for me was going through the realization and the thought process that feelings are just that - feelings - and they don't have to mean anything. Having feelings doesn't indicate that you've failed in some way, it means that you're feeling a bond with your Dom and that's a good thing, not a bad one.

It sounds like you're feeling bad for having feelings, which makes you feel even more bad - do you see how circular that is? i suggest you stop judging yourself and instead embrace the fact that you have a wonderful relationship which is exactly what you both need - for 5 years! Many people would LOVE to have that.

My advice is that you do need to find a way to just "feel the feelings" and move through them, as your Dom has instructed you. He is right in this. For me, i do yoga and meditate, it is wonderful, very helpful for processing emotions. Perhaps you might read, or simply take a hot bath, or lie in bed and write in a journal, something that allows you to simply move on and not dwell on them.

And forgive yourself. This means nothing other than you're happy, and you have something - and someone - you love to have in your life, in whatever way he is. And that's a wonderful blessing indeed.

< Message edited by UniqueRaven -- 3/20/2010 9:28:37 AM >

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

(in reply to SecretSin)
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RE: Neediness & Withdrawl - 3/20/2010 9:55:58 AM   
SecretSin


Posts: 10
Joined: 2/7/2010
Status: offline 		Unique Raven -

It not only sounds circular, it sounds like I'm insane! :)

I seem to be trying too hard to think my feelings through instead of just feeling them.  Ugh, I really need to learn to unplug.

I've never tried Yoga or meditation before. Maybe it can teach me some techniques to stop thinking so much!

Thank you for the advice and the kind words, UniqueRaven. 

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RE: Neediness & Withdrawl - 3/20/2010 10:01:06 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		My take on your posting is that it sounds as though you're almost embarrassed that your emotions for this man don't fit neatly into the box you designated to put them in.

5 years is a long time...it may have started out fitting into that box but when things go well...they grow. You can't stop that from happening. Look at it this way - if you eat ice cream you enjoy it right? At some point you will probably have it again and it's going to be just as tasty the next time. When things flow in a lovely positive way it's a natural thing to want more of it and not to want it to stop. Feeling needy for your man is direct result of how much you enjoy his company...feeling resentful about the neediness is that part of you deep inside that realizes you are deeper into your feelings for him than you perhaps wanted to be. Just my two cents...

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RE: Neediness & Withdrawl - 3/20/2010 10:06:51 AM   
bighappygoth39


Posts: 633
Joined: 10/7/2009
Status: offline 		I' ve experienced dom-drop now and then and I was horrified that it made me feel like I was being needy and clingy but I just realised that I was feeling that way because I couldn't be with him and because of the intensity of our relationship so I just have to accept that I'm going to have these feelings and not let them take over me which has been a hard fight but I'm happy to say I'm getting there gradually and I hope you can to :)

(in reply to SecretSin)
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RE: Neediness & Withdrawl - 3/20/2010 10:08:04 AM   
Frankseas


Posts: 61
Joined: 1/16/2010
Status: offline 		Sounds like something is keeping you two from being a couple every day and that is a shame for anyone. We are social creatures and we need someone with us almost every day so we feel better. Lone is hard to take even for a day or two!

Hope something changes for you so it gets better! Good luck to you!

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RE: Neediness & Withdrawl - 3/20/2010 10:19:56 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I don't know where the myth of the lone gunfighter, coming into town, solving the problem, and then riding out again comes from but it's a crock of shit. People are hard wired to need a group to belong to. Hard wired to need a lot of physical touch. Hard wired to need comfort.

Feelings are never wrong. They may not be factual, but they exist and you have every right to feel this way. Perhaps you get to need him more when there's more stress in your life, at which point you need skin comfort more. Or when it's the anniversary of a loved one's death. Or when you're getting sick or are overtired. The feeling can come from various different reasons but the need to be held is still there.

He's already told you not to fight it, that he likes it. So next time, despite how ridiculous you feel, do what he says and call him up. Say to him something on the order of "I'm having a rough day, can we meet for coffee and a hug?". Because maybe that's all you need, to smell his skin and have his arms around you for a minute. Try it. Surrender to being who you are and not what you think you ought to be.Give him your authentic self.

And one other thing, figure out who in your past ridiculed you, rejected you when you were in need and tell him about it. Because he isn't your mother, your exboyfriend, your older sister etc. He's someone who hopefully is a stand up man who will be there for you.



< Message edited by DesFIP -- 3/20/2010 10:21:53 AM >

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Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: Neediness & Withdrawl - 3/20/2010 11:12:15 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SecretSin

Every time I have tried to let it 'flow', it feels contrived. I find myself internally rebelling against that neediness and start to withdraw.



It isn't neediness that is making you withdraw, the neediness is just a symptom of the real underlying dynamic. You have built a HUGE wall around yourself for most of your life to keep your submissive side buried and suppressed. You have finally allowed it out a little bit and claim that you can do it for only two times a month and be happy.

When it gets intense, you can no longer control it (and real submissives are FAR more controlling than most doms) and so what you are reacting to is that you feel VULNERABLE...and you get needy because you need to protect that vulnerable side and instead of opening up and "rolling over to expose your soft emotional underbelly" you force those feelings down in order to feel safe.

I assume you are married and these are the two days you can get away? Think of all the married family men who are "gay" twice a month, furtively meeting men in parks or bathrooms. They are terrified someone will think they are gay and lead a life, quite literally, "of quiet desperation"...

I think big changes are coming your way woman.

(in reply to SecretSin)
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RE: Neediness & Withdrawl - 3/20/2010 11:47:53 AM   
SecretSin


Posts: 10
Joined: 2/7/2010
Status: offline 		Thank you all for such great insight and interesting perspectives on my situation. It's truly given me a lot to think over.

lizi: I would say that it is not resent or embarassment about the neediness as it is frustration. Though that is a really interesting perspective about those emotions not fitting into the box I created. I like what you said about feeling needy for him is a direct result of how much I enjoy his company.

bighappygoth39: There is hope! I'm glad you're finding your way through it! I feel positive that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel on this one. I just get to get my head wrapped around it. Thank you for the well wishes! Good luck to you!

Frankseas: There is really nothing that is keeping us for being a couple, as we are a couple now. We just don't live together or see each other as much as other couples. It has worked well for us in the most part, except for this pesky thing I go through every now and again. But, yes, we are all social creatures. I'm glad I have him in my life. Thank you for the good wishes!

DesFIP: I'm not really sure I understand your first sentence about the lone gunfighter. But you really nailed it with "Feelings are never wrong. They may not be factual, but they exist".

This difficulty I have with being needy doesn't stem from someone who hurt me in the past about it. Before I met him, I was the person that everyone in my life came to when they needed something, not the other way around. Figuring out why I feel this way, it's more about pride than being hurt. If I get to that point of feeling needy, I seem to relate it to my pride and start to withdraw.

Wow, that was hard to write.


(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: Neediness & Withdrawl - 3/20/2010 11:57:15 AM   
SecretSin


Posts: 10
Joined: 2/7/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

It isn't neediness that is making you withdraw, the neediness is just a symptom of the real underlying dynamic. You have built a HUGE wall around yourself for most of your life to keep your submissive side buried and suppressed. You have finally allowed it out a little bit and claim that you can do it for only two times a month and be happy.

When it gets intense, you can no longer control it (and real submissives are FAR more controlling than most doms) and so what you are reacting to is that you feel VULNERABLE...and you get needy because you need to protect that vulnerable side and instead of opening up and "rolling over to expose your soft emotional underbelly" you force those feelings down in order to feel safe.



Those two paragraphs made me hold my breath. After just answering DesFIP about my pride, your perspective just slammed me upside the head with a two by four. I'm going to have to read this again as that one was a lot to absorb.

No, I am not married. Neither is he. He travels a great deal for his work. I started my own business a few years ago that takes a lot of my time. It always worked well for us to keep our interactions two or three times a month. Maybe that is part of my own wall.

All of you gave me so much to think about. These boards are such a treasure. Thank you all! 

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RE: Neediness & Withdrawl - 3/20/2010 11:58:41 AM   
jujubeeMB


Posts: 723
Joined: 1/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi
My take on your posting is that it sounds as though you're almost embarrassed that your emotions for this man don't fit neatly into the box you designated to put them in.

5 years is a long time...it may have started out fitting into that box but when things go well...they grow. You can't stop that from happening.


This is exactly what I was going to say. You can't organize your feelings for someone into a tidy little "twice a month for five years" - it just almost never sticks to your plan. I'm exactly like you in a lot of ways: I can't stand feeling needy to the point that I start to crawl out of my skin after the first few pangs of neediness, and I like having my space and my life. But the thing is that neediness - when you're someone who isn't generally needy - is a pretty strong sign that this is someone that you care a great deal about. Your heart has opened up to this person, you organized, independent sub Start letting him know how you feel, because your relationship is going to change with or without you wanting it to.

(in reply to lizi)
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RE: Neediness & Withdrawl - 3/20/2010 5:17:41 PM   
SecretSin


Posts: 10
Joined: 2/7/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB

But the thing is that neediness - when you're someone who isn't generally needy - is a pretty strong sign that this is someone that you care a great deal about. Your heart has opened up to this person, you organized, independent sub Start letting him know how you feel, because your relationship is going to change with or without you wanting it to.


I think it's time to talk this out with him. I keep internalizing this "withdrawal from neediness" when maybe it's more like what SimplyMichael stated "neediness is just a symptom".

It's a bit odd to have total strangers making you aware of something that perhaps I knew was there but did not want to admit. I think you are right that my relationship is about to change, regardless if I'm ready or want it.

I better give him a call.

Thank you to everyone for talking this out with me. I truly appreciate your kindness, advice and perspective on this challenge of mine!

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RE: Neediness & Withdrawl - 3/21/2010 1:41:02 AM   
Hawkwindblues


Posts: 183
Joined: 6/26/2009
From: Berlin, Germany
Status: offline 		SecretSin,

the above posters gave you such a lot of good advice, that i wanted to comment on the quality of the advice.

And furthermore i am impressed by the way you processed the advice and your reactions, it is that kind of thread that makes a message boards such a good tool.

In fact i have nothing more to add then that i sincerely hope that your call and the talk will have a good outcome. As somebody stated 5 years is a long time and twice a month is not often, especially since you live not far away from each other.

Find out if you can and want to change the way the relationship is lead, i wish you the best of luck.

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After 10 years with the handle ZenDragoness it is time for a change.

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RE: Neediness & Withdrawl - 3/21/2010 2:54:56 AM   
AQuietSimpleMan


Posts: 1410
Joined: 11/15/2009
Status: offline 		Please forgive me for what I am about to say.

You are a woman. You work very hard to convince all of us that you are happy with what you have and don't want more. I'd like to put you in front of a mirror and ask you if you believe you, because I don't.

Lets remove all this armchair psycho-babble bullshit and go to basic emotion. When you are with him you are happy, when you are not with him you are sad. Sounds pretty cut and dry to me.

I am more interested in why we spend so much time trying to make these unbelievably complicated constructs of relationships continue to make sence after they start showing their faults.

I am a Master I do not fall in love with my slaves....... Blah Blah Blah. So what happens if you do, what happens when you do, what do you decide to call it instead?

What in the fuck is so god damned bad about being with someone you want to be with every day? What is so bad about seeing the superhero without the mask? Is it that they become human and with the mystery gone lose the ability to make us shutter at their amazement?

I just don't get that. Batman is and always will be my favorite superhero, because he was always just a guy, no radioactive spiders, no blown up planets, just a guy. At the end of the day all of us are just people. From the Super Subs to the Mega Masters we are all just people. Some days I go an entire day without asking my girl to do anything for me. Some days we just watch TV and drink tea. Some days we just chuckle about the silly things our children do. Some days she is bound to the bed and fucked like a rabbit in heat. Some days we fight about silly stupid shit that is bothering us and when that happens there are words trhat come out of her mouth that are very unsub like.

Overtime that is the thing, it becomes less and less about what we get out of the relationship and more and more about what we put in.

QSM

_____________________________

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"If a Key opens many locks, then it is a Master Key, If a Lock is opened by lots of keys, then it is a Shitty Lock"

(in reply to Hawkwindblues)
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