How much time should a Master/Dom put into his sub? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion



Message

Goodgrl701 -> How much time should a Master/Dom put into his sub? (3/16/2010 5:47:29 AM)

Hello, I was just wondering if anyone could give me their opinion on how much time do you think a Master/Dom should put into the training and upkeep of his sub? I am not a live in, more of a pet but a owened and collared sub none the less. I only see my Dom once a week if that and he travels for work. We talk maybe once a day but lately its been more spread out. But I feel like im not getting enough to keep me in line. I find when he is gone for more then a week I start to slip into un sub like behavior. (cumming with out asking, and just feelings of why should I bother hes not around anyways) the sessions we have when we have them are great and rewarding and when its over I am def put back in my place for another week or so. But i feel like I need more time with my Dom and More training but im just a sub so im not going to ask him for it. Shouldnt he want to put in the extra time to make sure Im being good?



eyesopened -> RE: How much time should a Master/Dom put into his sub? (3/16/2010 5:53:27 AM)

ALL human disappointment comes when things are not as we think they "should" be.  Your Master is putting in the amount of time He thinks he should and you don't agree. 

No one else has a magic number for you.  If you are "just a sub" and cannot speak for yourself then you shut up and learn to live with it or you say the relationship is unfulfilling and you leave OR you act like a human being and not "just a sub" and speak to your Master about your needs.



JeykllnHyde -> RE: How much time should a Master/Dom put into his sub? (3/16/2010 6:13:46 AM)

Has he ever said he would like to spend more time with you, but that annoying thing called the real world gets in the way?

Have you ever asked Him if he's satisfied with the amount of time he spends with you?

Have you ever let him know that the amount of time you spend together is not quite sufficient to meet your needs?

I'd start there, then come back and relate to us when the answers turn out to be. Him having to travel for work reasons can put a VERY large time constraint on doing anything else in life. My father traveled Mon-Friday nearly every single week for years; I know it's not the same, but I do have some idea of what it's like to know someone who travels frequently.

Another point to consider. He still has to fit all the other mundane crap into his limited free time along with you. Bill's need to get paid, groceries bought, family and friends to see, doctor's to see, housework to do. You say your not a live-in, so I'm operating under the assumption that He does all or most of those things on his own. If it does turn out that He would like to spend more time with you, maybe the two of you should sit down and talk about maybe you performing some of those mundane chores for him, which might just open up that time for you both.





Goodgrl701 -> RE: How much time should a Master/Dom put into his sub? (3/16/2010 6:39:38 AM)

Good points to think about thank you...



LaTigresse -> RE: How much time should a Master/Dom put into his sub? (3/16/2010 6:42:20 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: eyesopened

ALL human disappointment comes when things are not as we think they "should" be.  Your Master is putting in the amount of time He thinks he should and you don't agree. 

No one else has a magic number for you.  If you are "just a sub" and cannot speak for yourself then you shut up and learn to live with it or you say the relationship is unfulfilling and you leave OR you act like a human being and not "just a sub" and speak to your Master about your needs.


this



GraciousLady -> RE: How much time should a Master/Dom put into his sub? (3/16/2010 6:52:19 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Goodgrl701
Shouldnt he want to put in the extra time to make sure Im being good?


Where would you like to see him take this time from to keep you in line? It seems his job is what takes him away. Surely you do not want him to neglect that so you can have someone babysit you so you will not make yourself orgasam when your not supposed to? This is a matter of perspective. He is not neglecting you yet you feel neglected. I do not micromanage my subs because it's tedious and not always reasonable. There are just sometimes when we all have to be grown ups and deal with life outside our kink. your Master is doing what he needs to in life. Having said that I don't want you to feel I'm saying your totaly wrong. Maybe this is not the best situation for you? Maybe you need something more in your life?



Lucylastic -> RE: How much time should a Master/Dom put into his sub? (3/16/2010 7:12:42 AM)

OK, I try to include my pet in most of my day, small things big things and theboring day to daythings. I am NOT however a mind reader.
If my pet doesnt tell me there is an issue, am I sposed to get a dominant bolt from the sky telling me ?? while my intuition is quite strong, if my pet kept something from me because he was "just a sub" he wouldnt have been mine for six months let alone six years.
Now whether I choose to do anything with the information is up to me, but if I dont see there is an issue how can I correct it.
If hes not paying you the attention you need, you have two choices, tell him or dont. But expecting him to glean all this on his lonesome is not fair.
Reality has a lovely way of kicking fantasy in the crotch, so you have to learn to  do some work yourself.
If you find yourself doing things that he wouldnt approve of, such as cumming without permission... how devoted to him are you?
Oh and believe me , I  know how frustrating NOT having time with my pet  can get. We have been in a long distance relationship for 12 years




Rochsub2009 -> RE: How much time should a Master/Dom put into his sub? (3/16/2010 7:31:03 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Goodgrl701

I only see my Dom once a week if that and he travels for work. We talk maybe once a day but lately its been more spread out. But I feel like im not getting enough to keep me in line. I find when he is gone for more then a week I start to slip into un sub like behavior. (cumming with out asking, and just feelings of why should I bother hes not around anyways) the sessions we have when we have them are great and rewarding and when its over I am def put back in my place for another week or so. But i feel like I need more time with my Dom and More training but im just a sub so im not going to ask him for it. Shouldnt he want to put in the extra time to make sure Im being good?


You seem to forget that D/s relationships are still relationships.  They take work, just like a vanilla relationship.  And the foundation of any good relationship is communication.  If the two of you aren't communicating, then the relationship is going to fail.

None of us knows you or your Dom, so we can't comment on whether you are being needy, or if he is being neglectful.  Only the two of you know that.  But what we do know is that you are seeking answers in the wrong place.  Talk to him.

BTW, that "i'm just a sub" crap is total BS.  You're a person in a relationship.  If you don't find the relationship to be rewarding, then you can leave.  In the final analysis, even subs have control of their own lives, believe it or not.



Wolf2Bear -> RE: How much time should a Master/Dom put into his sub? (3/16/2010 7:31:27 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lucylastic

OK, I try to include my pet in most of my day, small things big things and theboring day to daythings. I am NOT however a mind reader.
If my pet doesnt tell me there is an issue, am I sposed to get a dominant bolt from the sky telling me ?? while my intuition is quite strong, if my pet kept something from me because he was "just a sub" he wouldnt have been mine for six months let alone six years.
Now whether I choose to do anything with the information is up to me, but if I dont see there is an issue how can I correct it.
If hes not paying you the attention you need, you have two choices, tell him or dont. But expecting him to glean all this on his lonesome is not fair.
Reality has a lovely way of kicking fantasy in the crotch, so you have to learn to  do some work yourself.
If you find yourself doing things that he wouldnt approve of, such as cumming without permission... how devoted to him are you?
Oh and believe me , I  know how frustrating NOT having time with my pet  can get. We have been in a long distance relationship for 12 years



Pffft....no you don't, you never call me nor do you ever tell me when I am needed....I feel so neglected yanno! I've asked time and time and time again for some of your time but you never give me a straight answer.  hahahaha

Seriously to the OP. each dominant gives an amount of time to their sub that is required and needed to maintain a fairly healthy relationship. The amount varies and there's no exact set number. If you feel you need more time then maybe it's time you expressed that need to him and discuss why and let him know that you need more attention so you remain mindful and obedient to him.



Lucylastic -> RE: How much time should a Master/Dom put into his sub? (3/16/2010 7:34:35 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wolf2Bear

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lucylastic

OK, I try to include my pet in most of my day, small things big things and theboring day to daythings. I am NOT however a mind reader.
If my pet doesnt tell me there is an issue, am I sposed to get a dominant bolt from the sky telling me ?? while my intuition is quite strong, if my pet kept something from me because he was "just a sub" he wouldnt have been mine for six months let alone six years.
Now whether I choose to do anything with the information is up to me, but if I dont see there is an issue how can I correct it.
If hes not paying you the attention you need, you have two choices, tell him or dont. But expecting him to glean all this on his lonesome is not fair.
Reality has a lovely way of kicking fantasy in the crotch, so you have to learn to  do some work yourself.
If you find yourself doing things that he wouldnt approve of, such as cumming without permission... how devoted to him are you?
Oh and believe me , I  know how frustrating NOT having time with my pet  can get. We have been in a long distance relationship for 12 years



Pffft....no you don't, you never call me nor do you ever tell me when I am needed....I feel so neglected yanno! I've asked time and time and time again for some of your time but you never give me a straight answer.  hahahaha



Smewchies the Bear man



Smutmonger -> RE: How much time should a Master/Dom put into his sub? (3/16/2010 8:22:48 AM)

It's always a good idea to try to be more of a plus than deficit in ANY relationship.



bliss4us09 -> RE: How much time should a Master/Dom put into his sub? (3/16/2010 8:50:05 AM)

The communication is the key but you hint that there's some risk to that and you are correct. Since you describe yourself as reluctant to speak with him since you are "just a sub" I infer that your relationship so far has not included communication about what you need or want. The risk is this: your Dom may respond in a take it or leave it way or may just walk away altogether. Are you willing to take that risk? (I would be but I'm not you.) If you're not, than get used to the status quo.



Fitznicely -> RE: How much time should a Master/Dom put into his sub? (3/16/2010 8:51:40 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Goodgrl701

Hello, I was just wondering if anyone could give me their opinion on how much time do you think a Master/Dom should put into the training and upkeep of his sub?


Y'know, with the myriad of ways of staying constantly in touch, it strikes me as a deliberate act when someone says so-and-so only contacts me once per *whatever*.

Have you talked to him about your concerns? Did you agree to exclusivity, or does he spread his time amongst other pets? How much commitment does he have outside of the upkeep of remote pets? Just now, it's near the end of the tax year, is he likely to be affected by this?

Being sub doesn't mean you lose your voice, or that your worries don't matter. To HIM, they should matter a lot. A happy pet is a good pet, after all.



afkarr -> RE: How much time should a Master/Dom put into his sub? (3/16/2010 9:03:22 AM)

For starters- are you quite certain he travels so extensively for work, and is taking care of all the mundane things all by his lonesome? Or is he married and hasn't come clean with that fact, and is only able to squeeze you in once a week or so?

As to the oiriginal question, that is a number unique to each relationship. Someone looking for an eventual exlcusive 24/7 life time relationsip is going to require far more time and effort than someone who is playing on the side and content to stay there.

I'm not sure why you feel "un sub like" after a few days without him; during the first years of married life with nilla man, he was gone for several weeks at a time, and in the time before cell phones, we talked once a week. I didn't feel any less "wifey" because of it.



LadyPact -> RE: How much time should a Master/Dom put into his sub? (3/16/2010 9:08:50 AM)

Twelve hours, fourteen minutes, and thirty-seven seconds a week.

OK.  Of course I'm kidding.  However, there is a point to be made by it.  What you have here isn't necessarily a BDSM issue.  You have a relationship issue and one that has to do with compatibility.  Obviously, you would prefer a dynamic where he does spend more time with you, where he may feel that the amount of time he is investing in the relationship is good enough.  Some people just aren't as content with minimal time together or contact.  You may fall into that category.

In all seriousness, how do you expect this other person to know this about you, if you fall back on the "just a sub" reason for not communicating it?  You can't really blame him for not investing more time in the dynamic if you've never told him that is what you enjoy in your relationship.  He's not going to be able to read your mind.  Granted, he's the one in charge, and you may not get the additional time/attention that you are asking for, but that's a different situation than you not bringing it to his attention.



lizi -> RE: How much time should a Master/Dom put into his sub? (3/16/2010 9:11:18 AM)

The first thing is that he's distancing himself from your previous pattern of how things went for the two of you and you're not sure why. Could be like the others have mentioned and life gets in the way at times...or he could be losing interest. You won't know unless you ask. So you can either put up with it or not - sometimes finding out why can help you get through a rough patch if you understand what's going on.

Secondly, you are reluctant to communicate with him but it's pretty important that you give it a try. You could mention that you've noticed that he's been more busy lately and is there something you can do to help? Something of that nature - if he starts to talk about what's been going on, then you can lead the conversation around to the point that you feel a bit neglected. I've been in a relationship before where I was reluctant to bring things up to the man I was with because he made me feel badly about doing it. I didn't stay with him for long. In my current relationship I am EXPECTED to bring up anything that is going on with me so he knows. After all how can he make good decisions for the both of us if I withold information from him?



Wolf2Bear -> RE: How much time should a Master/Dom put into his sub? (3/16/2010 9:37:47 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

In all seriousness, how do you expect this other person to know this about you, if you fall back on the "just a sub" reason for not communicating it?  You can't really blame him for not investing more time in the dynamic if you've never told him that is what you enjoy in your relationship.  He's not going to be able to read your mind.  Granted, he's the one in charge, and you may not get the additional time/attention that you are asking for, but that's a different situation than you not bringing it to his attention.



Exactly.

And on that note Lady P.....may I have more of your time?  *grinz   lol*





kyraofMists -> RE: How much time should a Master/Dom put into his sub? (3/16/2010 10:35:44 AM)

As an answer to the question in the subject line, however much time they want to. In mine and Alandra's case, he likes to put a lot of time into our relationship. However, work, four kids, extended families, etc. all get in the way, so we make the best of what we have and enjoy it to its fullest.

I lived long distance from the family for a while and I know that if he had to put me back in my place whenever he saw me, he probably would have had less of a desire to spend time with me. In my relationship, having the self-discipline to do what is expected of me without him having to put me there is crucial. If I didn't, the relationship would not have lasted and I would not be living with him now.

Knight's Kyra



LadyNTrainer -> RE: How much time should a Master/Dom put into his sub? (3/16/2010 10:45:18 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Goodgrl701
Hello, I was just wondering if anyone could give me their opinion on how much time do you think a Master/Dom should put into the training and upkeep of his sub? I am not a live in, more of a pet but a owened and collared sub none the less. I only see my Dom once a week if that and he travels for work. We talk maybe once a day but lately its been more spread out. But I feel like im not getting enough to keep me in line.


Two totally separate issues here.  One, the D/s.  Two, the human relationship.  If your basic emotional needs are not being met in a relationship, and you're not in a poly situation where you can get those needs met elsewhere, you're gonna have fundamental problems whether you're dom or sub, gay or straight, male or female. 

quote:

But i feel like I need more time with my Dom and More training but im just a sub so im not going to ask him for it. Shouldnt he want to put in the extra time to make sure Im being good?


Should he be able to be psychic and read your mind to know that your needs are different from his, or different from what you've been telling him?  Domliness is cool and all, but it doesn't come with automatic omniscience.  Communication skills are paramount.

When people entirely substitute or replace normal human relationship parameters with their kink, tossing the basic common sense stuff out the window, there's gonna be problems.  No matter how subly you are, you have to clearly and honestly communicate about your needs and feelings.  No matter how domly he is, he's not psychic and isn't automatically going to know how you feel if you don't tell him.  You can certainly communicate in a submissive and respectful way, but you do have to communicate, or else it's potentially dishonest and misleading, not to mention unhealthy for the relationship.



Dominasola -> RE: How much time should a Master/Dom put into his sub? (3/16/2010 10:57:25 AM)

Everyone has already talked about communication being key, etc...but I thought I would add some thoughts, if I may.  This:

quote:

ORIGINAL: Goodgrl701

But I feel like im not getting enough to keep me in line. I find when he is gone for more then a week I start to slip into un sub like behavior. (cumming with out asking, and just feelings of why should I bother hes not around anyways)

[...]

Shouldnt he want to put in the extra time to make sure Im being good?



You are clearly conscious of the fact that you are not being good.  If this is the case, why on earth would you act against his wishes...even IF he isn't there to reward you for being good, or punish you for being bad? 

Can't you take some responsibility for your actions, and endeavour to act the way your Dom wants you to for the fulfillment it gives you KNOWING that you are acting according to his expectations?  If you can't feel any pride with yourself for acting the way he wants you to and not doing what he wants you to refrain from doing, it doesn't seem like this is a very good relationship for either of you.

And I know that I am biased -as I am six hundred miles away from my Master- but the level of trust that I feel a D/s relationship should have should ensure that he doesn't NEED to be physically there in order to trust that you are being good.

If you feel as though you really need that physical presence more frequently - as it seems as though you do - then this really doesn't seem to be the best situation for either of you.





Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.046875