RE: Inaccessible

RE: Inaccessible (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress

Message

PeonForHer -> RE: Inaccessible (3/15/2010 5:04:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Top's Disease - A condition where a top or dominant projects the fantasy role into the real world with an assumption of superiority. The cure is to eat baked beans and onions. At some point later, even a Goddess, with a really huge 'G', will fart.

LadyAngelika -> RE: Inaccessible (3/15/2010 5:16:42 AM)
First of all, thanks for all who chimed in. I'm more confused than before I posted ;-) Or maybe it's the time change! Here are a few responses to some recurring themes. In response to girly buttons: quote: ORIGINAL: PeonForHer For what it's worth, LA, I've never found you unapproachable. To me, there's a little girl inside every woman, femdoms included (if they think they're exceptions, they're wrong). Once I've seen that in a woman, she's never unapproachable to me again. quote: ORIGINAL: ElanSubdued For the record, I've always found you very approachable. Then again, that might be different were I before you, but I'm guessing not. You let out enough of your personage and your "girly buttons" (to borrow a bit of pseudo-phraseology from Peon) that I'm sure your company would be very enjoyable and not intimidating at all. Well boys, you both met me on message boards and got to read my thoughts and insights. This is definitely disarming. I'm not saying you'd be intimidated by me in person had you never met me before, but it is definitely a different way to get acquainted. It is true that when someone gets to know me, like in Sylverë's case, they realise I'm really not all that scary. In fact, I can be quite accessible and laid back. In response to projection: quote: ORIGINAL: ElanSubdued I don't think it's just you but rather the pairing of particular individuals. With one person, you might be very open and approachable and with another, not so much so. Each person also brings their own projections and perceptions with them. I'm not saying anything against your friend (or friends), but I wouldn't take this too much to heart. quote: ORIGINAL: shallowdeep I don't see your friend's view as unusual or necessarily having much of anything to do with you possessing a somehow intimidating dominant personality. Did he elaborate any on why he found you "inaccessible"? Did he single you out as specifically being more difficult to approach than other women? I think you are both spot on with this. It is more about how he perceives me than about who I am. He did elaborate and yes, he did explain to me why he found me more difficult to approach. He said that I gave off a vibe like I'll be fine on my own and don't need a man. Now see, I take this as a compliment because I'm glad I'm a woman who doesn't need a man. That doesn't mean I wouldn't thoroughly enjoy one though! He was telling me that in general, men like to think that they can bring something extra in the life of a woman and with most women, that something extra is evident. He was simply pointing out that with me it wasn't. For the record, I've known this friend for 4 years and he wasn't saying this as a criticism of me, but rather an observation. He was not suggesting that I change neither, nor I feel I need to. quote: ORIGINAL: hopelesslyInvo "inaccessible" however, means you're lesbian or already have someone. a lot of guys mention things like "she's inaccessible, don't you see that ring", and the truth is i never do, let alone do i ever remember which hand means what. Just a precision, I was translating from French and sometimes words are more loaded with meaning in one language than in another even if they are direct translations. I know what he meant by inaccessible and he was making an allusion to a parameter that might be surrounding me that makes me unapproachable. I think that a lot of this has to do with the social settings that I meet someone in. I think what was a trigger for this friend is that a few weeks ago, I met up with him and some of his friends for drinks after work. I was in work head space and attire. I met other friends of his and I think he observed their reaction to me. I actually recall a friend of his making a joke about being scared of me. My friend's response to him was something along the lines that I was intimidating but once one gets to know me I'm not. I guess in certain situations, I just tend to have my guard up when I meet people. This works amazingly well for me in business negotiations where I've earned quite a bit of accolades. It doesn't work so well in social settings and sometimes I have to get out of my comfort zone to not come across as intimidating. This works best when I'm with a group of people I know well. - LA

PeonForHer -> RE: Inaccessible (3/15/2010 6:17:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika In response to girly buttons: LA, I'm not sure I'd go with 'girly buttons' as my phrase of choice. I think it's about vulnerability. That is, this oft-expressed desire amongst dominants to see vulnerability in their subs cuts the other way, too. I know that dommes often feel a pressure never to show any. This would be wrong, though. Showing it is the quickest and most effective way for a domme to demonstrate she is a real woman and not made out of cardboard (or ice, porcupine quills, or titanium, for that matter).

CarrieO -> RE: Inaccessible (3/15/2010 7:08:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming No I don't think inaccessability has to do with being a domme at all. Its a part of the whole cardboard Domme (icy cold, cruel, etc.) stereotype that really pisses me off. I'm nothing like that in person, and dommes run the gamut of possible personality types, I'm sure- just like any other orientation presumably does. I'm very warm, welcoming, extroverted, and gregarious in person. No one would ever think to describe me as innapproachable, I'm quite sure. A happy control freak, yes of course. But very inviting, casual and friendly. Ahh, another happy yet approachable control freak! My 2 cents....I think people, regardless of the label they choose, get stereotyped and stereotype others. That classic image of the beautifully cold and cruel Domme who crushes lowly worm-types under the heel of Her very sharp 6inch stiletto (black leather, of course) is no different then the image of submissive man who is spineless and sniveling before any woman simply because he is so submissive. I describe myself as an extroverted introvert. Some people know the out-going side and are surprised when I'm quiet and reflective and visa versa. I actually have the opposite problem for the OP's....people approach me too often because I'm approachable. Then again, I don't call myself a domme so maybe that has something to do with it. I do have a "pissed off school teacher" look, though, that will stop 'em in their tracks. Also, I can pick up people's energy or aura. Maybe it has less to do with dominance and submission and more to do with the energy vibe a person gives off.

hopelesslyInvo -> RE: Inaccessible (3/15/2010 7:09:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika quote: ORIGINAL: hopelesslyInvo "inaccessible" however, means you're lesbian or already have someone. a lot of guys mention things like "she's inaccessible, don't you see that ring", and the truth is i never do, let alone do i ever remember which hand means what. Just a precision, I was translating from French and sometimes words are more loaded with meaning in one language than in another even if they are direct translations. I know what he meant by inaccessible and he was making an allusion to a parameter that might be surrounding me that makes me unapproachable. i mean inaccessible to "me", there are different parameters to other people on what will make them feel a girl is inaccessible, but for me specifically, it's generally just "unavailability". other's might consider a girl/woman inaccessible due to looks, posturing, status, or anything else. i guess another inaccessible thing for me though would be situational, such as what company you keep~

Sylverdawn -> RE: Inaccessible (3/15/2010 7:23:51 AM)
Ahhh.. yepp.. that look.. like they are always smelling something slightly offensive.. got it..

RedMagic1 -> RE: Inaccessible (3/15/2010 7:39:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika I was in work head space and attire. I met other friends of his and I think he observed their reaction to me. I actually recall a friend of his making a joke about being scared of me. When you get right down to it, after everything else is stripped away, a lot of men think a woman is out of his league unless he is "superior" to her somehow, especially with respect to intelligence, business prowess or financial solvency. I read a Wall Street Journal article a few years ago about a woman who was an academic Dean, a business owner, and had won several awards, and one of her husband's friends said to him, "John, it sure is nice of your wife to let you keep your maiden name." The thing is, a lot of women are looking for this too, even if they're dommes. They want a man they can look up to. So it reinforces the guy's perception: "She's out of my league," "Yes, I am." There's some truth to this. If a guy doesn't have enough confidence to think he's good enough, he must not be. Both men and women try to "partner up." Guys (in general) try to date women who are better looking than they are, and women (in general) try to date guys who are higher up the social/economic ladder than they are. Male subs with usernames like patheticloserslave are swimming against this very strong tide. Unless you think there's a chance you're missing Mr. Right because you're not sending enough "I'm available" vibes, I wouldn't consider this a problem.

Lucienne -> RE: Inaccessible (3/15/2010 8:56:48 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika Have you been told you were inaccessible or hard to approach? Do you have any thoughts on this topic? - LA Yes. All my life. In my case, it's kind of funny. I think my natural, let it all hang out, personality is simultaneously goofy and sharp. People who meet me in a setting where I feel comfortable just being me tend to find me very entertaining AND very intimidating. What I figured out at a very young age was that "just be yourself" was not very good advice for me in social situations. That, and I'm introverted so a lot of the social conditioning I received was unnatural and tedious. So I adapted by being reserved. And polite. I sometimes wonder how differently I would've developed had I been a boy and had fallen under the protective stereotype of geek and the lower expectations of social graces than those I faced as a pretty young girl. I worked very hard over the years to develop the social skills society expects me to have and I deploy them as necessary. (For anyone following along with my posting history -- sorry CM forums! I won't play good girl for you!). I remain "hard to approach," but I deal with it by warmly approaching others. Which tends to catch them off guard because, well, my default public presentation is reserved and a bit formal.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Inaccessible (3/15/2010 8:58:49 AM)
People have been calling me "intimidating" my entire life. Contrast that to the clients who find me personable and friendly, and what do you get?

PeonForHer -> RE: Inaccessible (3/15/2010 9:49:38 AM)
A cheerful psychopath?

LadyPact -> RE: Inaccessible (3/15/2010 10:05:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: PeonForHer quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Top's Disease - A condition where a top or dominant projects the fantasy role into the real world with an assumption of superiority. The cure is to eat baked beans and onions. At some point later, even a Goddess, with a really huge 'G', will fart. In My case, you'd get more than a fart out of Me. I happen to be allergic.

SylvereApLeanan -> RE: Inaccessible (3/15/2010 10:07:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika Thanks Sylverë, masmiss and Venatrix. I guess it's all part of the dominant personality. The funny thing is that once someone gets to know me, I'm totally approachable and accessible. Is that the same for you as well? - LA Oh, definitely. To my friends, I'm "Auntie Syl," who's always good for a shoulder to cry on or general advice, and who will help them move to a new place or move bodies (in a metaphorical sense).

ElanSubdued -> RE: Inaccessible (3/15/2010 12:33:18 PM)
Lady Angelika, quote: He said that I gave off a vibe like I'll be fine on my own and don't need a man. Now see, I take this as a compliment because I'm glad I'm a woman who doesn't need a man. That doesn't mean I wouldn't thoroughly enjoy one though! He was telling me that in general, men like to think that they can bring something extra in the life of a woman and with most women, that something extra is evident. He was simply pointing out that with me it wasn't. Precursor: These next comments are not meant as criticism of you. They are my own reflections on a personal experiance. I've met women who gave off an "independent", "no vulnerability", "I don't need anyone" vibe. Independence is fine, but when a woman is so independent as to leave no space for anyone, it's off-putting. A long, long, long time ago, I dated a woman for a while and she fit this description perfectly. She had everything under control. Always carried her own laundry. Always knew what restaurant we were going to. Always had every aspect of out dates under control and carefully allotted within her time commitments. Never needed just... to be held... or to cry... ...or to express a level of rawness that sometimes everything wasn't perfect and she didn't have the answers. After we dated a while, I broke things off and she was somewhat surprised. Why the breakup? I decided there was nothing I could offer this woman. There was nowhere for us to grow together. There was no place for me in her life. Call this a weakness of mine, but I didn't feel needed and I wanted to. I never felt like I'd gotten anywhere near the actual, intimate person underneath the exterior and getting there seemed like far too much work. I equate this with what I've heard many dommes say about some submissives. They don't wish to wrench submission from their partners, but rather have it given willingly and lovingly, and with careful forethought. Perhaps this woman and I simply had different communication styles. At any rate, my point is, for my own taste, there is a balance between independence and vulnerability. Vulnerability is a very important quality to have because without it, you can't truly open yourself to a person. It's very difficult to build intimacy (even just intimacy on a friendship level) without making yourself somewhat vulnerable. Elan.

ElanSubdued -> RE: Inaccessible (3/15/2010 12:37:19 PM)
PeonForHer, quote: LA, I'm not sure I'd go with 'girly buttons' as my phrase of choice. I think it's about vulnerability. That is, this oft-expressed desire amongst dominants to see vulnerability in their subs cuts the other way, too. +1 This is what I kinda' meant by "girly buttons". But, I also meant rapport of the man-to-woman, woman-to-man kind. (I'm sure this works for non heterosexual interactions too. For anyone reading who doesn't fit the hetero or hetero-flexible domain, my intent is not to exclude.) It's nice when a woman allows you, as a man, to be manly and herself, as a woman, to be womanly. Yes, some may say I'm playing to stereotypes, but so be it. I personally find it very inviting when a woman allows me to be gentlemanly and I like it when she exposes some joy buttons and some vulnerability (whether intentionally or unintentionally) for me to interact with. This really does "cut both ways" because I've often heard women express similar, reciprocal desires. I think this is just part of human compatibility and companionship. quote: I know that dommes often feel a pressure never to show any (ed: vulnerability). This would be wrong, though. Showing it is the quickest and most effective way for a domme to demonstrate she is a real woman and not made out of cardboard (or ice, porcupine quills, or titanium, for that matter). +100. :-) The kind of vulnerability we're talking about walks very nicely, hand-in-hand, with dominance and leadership. In fact, it's one of those foundation conduits that is necessary to build trust and therefore faith in another's leadership. Elan.

PeonForHer -> RE: Inaccessible (3/15/2010 12:43:47 PM)
I personally find it very inviting when a woman allows me to be gentlemanly and I like it when she exposes some joy buttons and some vulnerability (whether intentionally or unintentionally) for me to interact with. In that case: seconded. 'Girly buttons' and 'joy buttons' now have a firm place in my vocabulary. (Also because they sound like they could be Canadian terms for women's naughty bits.[;)])

LaTigresse -> RE: Inaccessible (3/15/2010 12:48:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ElanSubdued I've met women who gave off an "independent", "no vulnerability", "I don't need anyone" vibe. Independence is fine, but when a woman is so independent as to leave no space for anyone, it's off-putting. A long, long, long time ago, I dated a woman for a while and she fit this description perfectly. She had everything under control. Always carried her own laundry. Always knew what restaurant we were going to. Always had every aspect of out dates under control and carefully allotted within her time commitments. Never needed just... to be held... or to cry... ...or to express a level of rawness that sometimes everything wasn't perfect and she didn't have the answers. After we dated a while, I broke things off and she was somewhat surprised. Why the breakup? I decided there was nothing I could offer this woman. There was nowhere for us to grow together. There was no place for me in her life. Call this a weakness of mine, but I didn't feel needed and I wanted to. I never felt like I'd gotten anywhere near the actual, intimate person underneath the exterior and getting there seemed like far too much work. I equate this with what I've heard many dommes say about some submissives. They don't wish to wrench submission from their partners, but rather have it given willingly and lovingly, and with careful forethought. Perhaps this woman and I simply had different communication styles. At any rate, my point is, for my own taste, there is a balance between independence and vulnerability. Vulnerability is a very important quality to have because without it, you can't truly open yourself to a person. It's very difficult to build intimacy (even just intimacy on a friendship level) without making yourself somewhat vulnerable. Elan. I think I resemble what you are describing. While I am sure the reasons are different with different people, I do have a clue as to what mine are. Trust is a big one......it takes A LONG time for me to come to trust a person. Until I do, they will not see my vulnerabilities. I won't even allow myself to care deeply for them. At some point I do get there, but I am sure it is too overwhelming a task for many that have tried. I also will not allow myself to depend on anyone. Never. Been there, done that, got the literal rug pulled out from under.

ElanSubdued -> RE: Inaccessible (3/15/2010 2:36:27 PM)
LaTigresse, You highlighted part of my post and I think it prudent (and polite) to clarify something. Because I generally pursue women romantically, I used the words "women" and "woman". However, you could easily change every instance to "people" and "this person". I don't believe the traits we're talking about are gender specific. Regarding your post, thank you for replying. I'm not sure what to say other than that my own post wasn't meant as a criticism of anyone here and it wasn't (actually) meant as a criticism of the the person I described either. It was my reason for not continuing. At whatever places that person and I were each at back then, we were not in sync in terms of what we both wanted. That's not wrong and it's not a criticism. It just is. Sorry to hear you had the rug totally pulled out from under you. I've only ever had that happen once in my life and it was a doozy. It's hard to climb back in the saddle as easily after that. Elan.

LadyAngelika -> RE: Inaccessible (3/15/2010 4:20:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: PeonForHer quote: ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika In response to girly buttons: LA, I'm not sure I'd go with 'girly buttons' as my phrase of choice. I think it's about vulnerability. That is, this oft-expressed desire amongst dominants to see vulnerability in their subs cuts the other way, too. I know that dommes often feel a pressure never to show any. This would be wrong, though. Showing it is the quickest and most effective way for a domme to demonstrate she is a real woman and not made out of cardboard (or ice, porcupine quills, or titanium, for that matter). Girly buttons was Elan's term so take it up with him ;-) But yeah, I know all about the vulnerability. Remember that thread? ;-) Sometimes it works in our favour, sometimes it doesn't. Some guys find me too vulnerable to be a Domme, some too cold to be a woman. You boys are so annoyingly picky!! ;-) - LA

LadyAngelika -> RE: Inaccessible (3/15/2010 4:34:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 quote: ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika I was in work head space and attire. I met other friends of his and I think he observed their reaction to me. I actually recall a friend of his making a joke about being scared of me. When you get right down to it, after everything else is stripped away, a lot of men think a woman is out of his league unless he is "superior" to her somehow, especially with respect to intelligence, business prowess or financial solvency. I read a Wall Street Journal article a few years ago about a woman who was an academic Dean, a business owner, and had won several awards, and one of her husband's friends said to him, "John, it sure is nice of your wife to let you keep your maiden name." The thing is, a lot of women are looking for this too, even if they're dommes. They want a man they can look up to. So it reinforces the guy's perception: "She's out of my league," "Yes, I am." There's some truth to this. If a guy doesn't have enough confidence to think he's good enough, he must not be. Both men and women try to "partner up." Guys (in general) try to date women who are better looking than they are, and women (in general) try to date guys who are higher up the social/economic ladder than they are. Male subs with usernames like patheticloserslave are swimming against this very strong tide. Unless you think there's a chance you're missing Mr. Right because you're not sending enough "I'm available" vibes, I wouldn't consider this a problem. Even though I cringe at every word I read from your, I realise how true all of it unfortunately is. I actually downplay what I do a lot when I'm interacting with a man I like for 2 reasons: 1) I don't want to come across like a braggart and 2) it changes the whole dynamic. Even when I've dated me with similar accomplishments, I always felt a certain competitiveness from them. An ex-boyfriend of mine actually said once that it was ok if for now I made more money than him but this could not be a long term scenario or he would become insecure. Can you imagine? A friend of mine used to tell me that the more accomplished a woman is, the smaller her pool of potential male mates are. Maybe it's time to get another cat... ;-) - LA

LadyAngelika -> RE: Inaccessible (3/15/2010 4:38:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: PeonForHer I personally find it very inviting when a woman allows me to be gentlemanly and I like it when she exposes some joy buttons and some vulnerability (whether intentionally or unintentionally) for me to interact with. In that case: seconded. 'Girly buttons' and 'joy buttons' now have a firm place in my vocabulary. (Also because they sound like they could be Canadian terms for women's naughty bits.[;)]) I'm sure somewhere in Elan's filthy little mind they are ;-) - LA

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.03125