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How does gender affect your play? - 3/2/2010 8:15:58 AM   
MissBeautiful2U


Posts: 98
Joined: 12/5/2008
Status: offline 		I was thinking today about how I interact differently with woman and men.  I am bisexual and enjoy both, but different things with each (with some overlap of course).  However, I have noticed that when it comes to bdsm play I tend to play very differently with a girl than with a boy.

Has anyone else who is bisexual experienced this?  That your desires, perhaps the tone of the play, etc are fairly different depending on the gender of your play partner?

I am well aware that every person is unique and there are some differences even between two different guys, but overall I tend to be more  sensual with women and more sadistic with men.  
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RE: How does gender affect your play? - 3/2/2010 8:24:51 AM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		 anyone I play with  -- its going to be unique to that person.

ETA:  Actually in rereading your post and my own.. I realize what you are asking now.. or at least have a better answer.

No... I don't play more sensually or sadistically with one or the other.. that is determined by the relationship I have with the person.

< Message edited by Madame4a -- 3/2/2010 8:38:33 AM >

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RE: How does gender affect your play? - 3/2/2010 8:32:04 AM   
afkarr


Posts: 328
Joined: 1/13/2010
Status: offline 		Gender determines which role I play, as I only sub to men, and only top women, and never vice versa.

(in reply to Madame4a)
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RE: How does gender affect your play? - 3/2/2010 9:12:11 AM   
Wolf2Bear


Posts: 3204
Joined: 9/6/2009
Status: offline 		Having bottomed to both men and women in BDSM play, the only major difference I have noticed is the play with men is has more sexual undertones; keep in mind that all the men I scened with are gay dominants.

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Take the pain
Take the pleasure
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Let me into your soul
I'm gonna work it 'til your totally blown

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RE: How does gender affect your play? - 3/2/2010 12:01:33 PM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline 		~fast reply~

quote:

Has anyone else who is bisexual experienced this? That your desires, perhaps the tone of the play, etc are fairly different depending on the gender of your play partner?


I think, for me, that the differences that I experience during play relate more to the 'personality signals' I get from the person I'm playing with, rather than their actual gender. Some of those personality signals have been socially encoded as "male" or "female", but I tend to follow the signals rather than the visible gender.

As an example, the meek, gentle, nurturing servant won't elicit the same responses from me as the bold, physically extravagant, assertive servant would, or the erotic, sensually alluring, perpetually aroused servant would -- regardless of the plumbing between the legs.

Does that make any sense?

Calla



< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 3/2/2010 12:03:17 PM >

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RE: How does gender affect your play? - 3/2/2010 1:08:57 PM   
Pudicitia


Posts: 22
Joined: 10/13/2009
Status: offline
I find that it depends on how gender potent my partner is. A connection with a particularly strong male energy (whether the biological gender of that person is male or not) brings out a certain headspace for me, with a strong feminine energy it brings out something very different. Typically I feel dominant towards other femmes and certainly don't feel drawn to submit/bottom to them - laughs - I prefer to be the biggest bitch in heels in my life. Around soft, gentle or effete men I feel more dominant and are more than likely to take the Top role in sex or play. Around potent, animal male energy I can barely muster any resistance and it is with those types of partner I can bottom/submit the most deeply.

For me it's an energy thing and some just reverberate better together - and it's the polarity of identity gender role even if the bio-gender is different.


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RE: How does gender affect your play? - 3/2/2010 3:16:27 PM   
MissBeautiful2U


Posts: 98
Joined: 12/5/2008
Status: offline 		That's an interesting point you make... I didn't really give that much thought to how I have felt playing with different guys; just have noticed a significant difference between guys/girls.  Perhaps it is the energy is different.  I haven't played with as many girls as I have guys...

Your post made me consider something:  I do interact differently with some guys over others.... so perhaps that's just it.... I've just not come across a girl with the same energies as some of the guys, which I suppose is not very unusual.

:)


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RE: How does gender affect your play? - 3/2/2010 4:10:47 PM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		I beat everyone equally regardless of gender.

~Lashra


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RE: How does gender affect your play? - 3/2/2010 5:17:04 PM   
Capax


Posts: 5
Joined: 2/22/2010
Status: offline 		This is a great question with a complicated answer. This was excellently put:

quote:

ORIGINAL: Pudicitia

I find that it depends on how gender potent my partner is. A connection with a particularly strong male energy (whether the biological gender of that person is male or not) brings out a certain headspace for me, with a strong feminine energy it brings out something very different.


"Gender potent" is a particularly good phrase.

I think where gender is most apparent is when you play with someone you don't know very well for the first time. You're going to negotiate the scene first, but you're also going to behave according your own experience - including your (reflexive and/or "common sense") knowledge of gender.

Before I get to the gender part, I'm not comfortable submitting (as opposed to bottoming) to anyone who isn't my partner. As for bottoming, I have to know someone very well and trust them before I would. When it comes to men this ends up being guys who have bottomed to me several times. Where gender starts to creep in is that women (including genderqueer or butch women) don't have to go through the same process as long as they're vetoed by a friend - I'm faster to trust women.

My gender bias is that I'm wary of heavily masculine heterosexual men. There's nothing wrong with being masculine. What I worry about is hypermasculity, and the corresponding tendency to devalue traits seen as feminine, to see masculinity as superior, and to assume that "real" women are not supposed to have those traits to the same degree that they do.

In a kinky context, this means Doms who assume Dommes are really switches, or think all a Domme really needs is a strong Dom to show her the joys of being sub. And there are joys in that, really, there are. But I take offence to the notion that a woman can't be a Domme right down to her core.

You may also see this in the tendency of some Doms to push limits too far, to not provide adequate aftercare, to be aggressively sexual, and/or to consider themselves superior as a human being as opposed to as part of a power exchange.

Most Doms I know aren't like this, and I like to believe most aren't, but the knowledge passed to me from subs and hearsay is enough to reinforce my preferences.

(in reply to Pudicitia)
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RE: How does gender affect your play? - 3/2/2010 5:30:45 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline 		You might enjoy this thread started by LillyoftheVally entitled The fairer sex: http://www.collarchat.com/m_3025061/tm.htm. My response there was the following:

I've had significantly less female subs than male subs but I've had both. Every play partner is different, regardless of gender.

Now have I been harder on one gender than another, yes. I've been harder on the men. I have a feeling, from what I read, that this isn't the norm. It might be a result that the female submissives that I've met weren't all that masochistic, but I never pushed them the way I pushed the men I played with. Another reason is that while I might develop a great friendship with the women that I've dated, I don't develop that deep love, romantic relationship that I have with men. There is one woman in my mid 20s who is the exception to this and that relationship incorporated top/bottom dynamics (she the top, me the bottom) but with very little D/s.

I guess if I have to try draw any conclusions from this, I tend to play harder with the ones that I have a deeper emotional/romantic bond with. For me, the manifestation of D/s or s&m in sexuality requires me to show a very intimate part of me and the more I feel close with someone, the more it comes. out.

- LA

< Message edited by LadyAngelika -- 3/2/2010 5:31:33 PM >

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RE: How does gender affect your play? - 3/4/2010 5:29:41 AM   
subsenior4cplz


Posts: 2
Joined: 2/12/2010
Status: offline 		Well, in my case, the gender of my partners affects how they use me, and if I am serving a couple with both genders that also affects how I will be used.

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RE: How does gender affect your play? - 3/4/2010 8:09:51 AM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		I tend to think of most women as being a bit more delicate physically than most men. It depends on the individual person as well, of course, but I do tend to be a bit more careful. I am more sexual with men than with women in general. A big part of that is that I'm not into *casual* sex, and haven't had a girlfriend. The pheremones and physical part of their arousal also seems to affect me more intensely than the same level of arousal from a woman.

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RE: How does gender affect your play? - 3/4/2010 1:20:08 PM   
Drifa


Posts: 547
Joined: 7/27/2007
From: Rural Texas
Status: offline 		Diverging wildly from the topic: subsenior4cplz, could you go to a picture that is more dressed for your avatar? There must be thousands of ways to do a picture that would present you as submissive and interested in bondage more attractively. If someone is interested, let them go to your profile for the more unattractive pic.

Back to the topic, for me it's easier to bottom for a man in a sexual situation, but I never feel truly submissive to a man because I always feel like it's about the sex, not the domination. That's probably connected to the fact that I connect emotionally better with women, and also that I'm in submission to a fabulous lady and have been for 15 years.





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RE: How does gender affect your play? - 3/4/2010 1:21:13 PM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		Wow.. that was harsh.. and personal... and hmmm.. just mean

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to Drifa)
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RE: How does gender affect your play? - 3/4/2010 7:18:54 PM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline 		I just want to invite him over so I can put him in a MUCH prettier rope dress with prettier colors!

WinD

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RE: How does gender affect your play? - 3/4/2010 9:13:01 PM   
Drifa


Posts: 547
Joined: 7/27/2007
From: Rural Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Madame4a
Wow.. that was harsh.. and personal... and hmmm.. just mean


I don't think so. I'm not objecting to fact that he's not a magazine cover boy. It's artistically lacking.  I think a lot of men completely are unaware that this kind of pic is unattractive in the same way some men seem unaware that usually it's not a good idea to wear stewart plaid with polka dots.

The semi nude just barely cropped above the no-no parts has to be one of the artistically least attractive shots of all time, even if you have an Olympian body. You get a big rectangle that's mostly one color with not a lot of visual interest or texture. This particular shot, especially given the lighting and the institutional green paint job on the wall behind make the guy look like Spongebob Squarepants, just a big rectangle.

If we stir in the issue of "what would make a picture appeal to women" you would want to put more personality in. High contrast rope? Maybe a visually interesting pose? Maybe cropping the pic higher to get shoulders and collarbones and less pubes? Put in a vest, or put on some pants, SOMETHING to add visual interest.

Honestly, I think the best submissive male pics are fully clothed and only hint at kink. The best I have ever seen was a fellow in a tux, with a rose, and a leather wrist restraint just peeking out of his cuff.  The second best was one in which the man was nude, except for leather harness and collar, but he was in a dancer's pose so there was a lot of visual dynamism to the shot and there was no exposure of private bits. Third best was a man in a crisply-pressed shirt, open at the neck, looking off-camera with his head bowed in submission or prayer.



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RE: How does gender affect your play? - 3/4/2010 9:37:31 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		What drifa is trying to nicely say is that it might be nice with those with less than three or four years of life expectancy not to post their dying nakedness as their avatar. It disgusts her.

I don't share her sentiments cuz I once banged this chick with terminal cancer that was still kind of hot.

Post your pics as you see fit.

_____________________________



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RE: How does gender affect your play? - 3/5/2010 8:31:02 PM   
AcademyForSlaves


Posts: 712
Joined: 2/24/2006
Status: offline 		Hi.

I play with women differently than with males. Most of the women I play with are Mistresses and we share our slaves at parties. But I do know a couple of Mistresses I party and work with that like to sub but only to women. With guys these Mistresses are usually dominant. When a woman wants to be sub I'm not going to tell her not to. It's her choice, her life. She should be able to do what she wants. If she wants to sub to me who am I to argue with her choice. But will I tie her up and beat her and abuse her? NO. There's got to be love in my playtime.

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RE: How does gender affect your play? - 3/5/2010 8:40:52 PM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline 		Sure gender effects my play.  I can't do CBT on women.  Unless it is Computer Based Training.  How kinky is that?

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RE: How does gender affect your play? - 3/6/2010 6:02:33 AM   
Elisabella


Posts: 3939
Status: offline 		Gender affects my play a lot. I'll never submit to a woman. I'll dominate the hell out of one though. In my fantasies when I think about dominating a woman, it's treating her like an object, and helping my partner abuse her, whereas the few times I fantasize about dominating a man, it's all about him adoring me and seeing me as a goddess or queen.

As far as my submissive side goes, I have only felt submissive to strong, masculine men. I need a very prominent masculine energy in order to feel like submitting.

(in reply to WinsomeDefiance)
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