Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered (Full Version)

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SarasSecret -> Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered (2/17/2010 10:20:07 AM)

I am very new to this site and fairly new to the lifestyle. I have been on an off other alternative websites in the past and after a few months usually delete my profile. I suppose the reason is because while I yearn for the mental and physical experience of BDSM [and the like] I find it rather daunting to find someone who is looking for the same things as myself.

On the other hand I think I may have a problem properly explaining what it is I am looking for. Perhaps I don't really know and am confused by my own desires. I have been with men who are dominant but have only had one "scene" in the past. I was hoping for it to be a on going, growing experience but sadly it was not. I was left even more confused and the man topping me was not what I had hoped for. He was selfish and emotionally unavailable. He found my request for a safeword and guidelines to be annoying and amateurish. He also found it bothersome when I wanted to discuss the "scene" with him afterward and talk about how I felt. It was my first time and I had so many emotions and thoughts running through my head. There was also no aftercare what so ever wen we finished. He also didn't want consistency and only wanted to play when the mood struck him (very rarely). It's safe to say it was not a good match.

So I am continuing my search. I just want to know if what I am searching for is realistic, and if my profile properly conveys my desires? As I write this I think a lot of my confusion stems from my fear of possibly losing myself, and losing control of a situation. However, I know what I really do want is to relinquish my control but still be the free spirit I am.

If anyone has words of wisdom for me please share them! Likewise if you can help me reformat my profile so I can properly convey my needs, wants and desires that would be lovely too.



xxblushesxx -> RE: Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered (2/17/2010 10:27:28 AM)

I think you're adorable, and you know exactly what you want. You may not find someone with ALL of the attributes you do want (heck there may even be things you didn't think you wanted, but will accept.) but there are a lot of men out there looking for the same thing you are.
I don't think you'll have any problems.
Just don't play with jerks! Even they haven't earned your trust (would you leave your 2 year old child with them?) then don't play.
Well, that's one way to avoid the type of "dom" you played with earlier.

Best of luck!!



MasterSlaveLA -> RE: Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered (2/17/2010 10:30:55 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SarasSecret

I am very new to this site and fairly new to the lifestyle. I have been on an off other alternative websites in the past and after a few months usually delete my profile. I suppose the reason is because while I yearn for the mental and physical experience of BDSM [and the like] I find it rather daunting to find someone who is looking for the same things as myself.

On the other hand I think I may have a problem properly explaining what it is I am looking for. Perhaps I don't really know and am confused by my own desires. I have been with men who are dominant but have only had one "scene" in the past. I was hoping for it to be a on going, growing experience but sadly it was not. I was left even more confused and the man topping me was not what I had hoped for. He was selfish and emotionally unavailable. He found my request for a safeword and guidelines to be annoying and amateurish. He also found it bothersome when I wanted to discuss the "scene" with him afterward and talk about how I felt. It was my first time and I had so many emotions and thoughts running through my head. There was also no aftercare what so ever wen we finished. He also didn't want consistency and only wanted to play when the mood struck him (very rarely). It's safe to say it was not a good match.

So I am continuing my search. I just want to know if what I am searching for is realistic, and if my profile properly conveys my desires? As I write this I think a lot of my confusion stems from my fear of possibly losing myself, and losing control of a situation. However, I know what I really do want is to relinquish my control but still be the free spirit I am.

If anyone has words of wisdom for me please share them! Likewise if you can help me reformat my profile so I can properly convey my needs, wants and desires that would be lovely too.


This stuff ain't rocket-science... I'd suggest the following:

1)  Complete a BDSM Checklist (so at least you know your interests)

2)  State, as best you can, what you THINK you're looking for at this time

3)  Communicate (and go about things) with "potentials" in the SAME WAY you'd approach a Vanilla relationship (which means NOT ignoring any "red flags" because it's "BDSM"; that only leads to trouble)

4)  When you've found someone you mesh (and are comfortable) with, then proceed with the BDSM/Relationship stuff


That's it... there's no great secret here.  Experience, buzz-words, toys, etc. mean NOTHING without a connection.

Good Luck! [:)]




SarasSecret -> RE: Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered (2/17/2010 10:39:57 AM)

xxblushesxx what a great way of looking at it! If I had a 2 year old child I would have never left them with that guy! I will use this reasoning from now on!



sirsholly -> RE: Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered (2/17/2010 10:43:06 AM)

i agree with Blushy that you are as cute as a button!!

My advice...stop looking for someone that wants exactly the same things you want (it will not happen). Instead, keep your heart open for the one you can grow with. He is out there and you will find him!



SimplyMichael -> RE: Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered (2/17/2010 10:50:30 AM)

Get the hell off of the internet and go to some real world events!



RCdc -> RE: Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered (2/17/2010 10:54:45 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SarasSecret
So I am continuing my search. I just want to know if what I am searching for is realistic, and if my profile properly conveys my desires? As I write this I think a lot of my confusion stems from my fear of possibly losing myself, and losing control of a situation. However, I know what I really do want is to relinquish my control but still be the free spirit I am.


Stop 'searching' because it comes anyway.
Don't get into a relationship if you feel you cannot convey yourself.  Learn first how to communicate and if that means you have to learn about yourself first, then do that too.  Don't get into a relationship where you already fear getting lost.
You don't sound like you want to give up control.  You sound like you want authority in your life and those are different things.  Work on which one is for you.

the.dark.



NihilusZero -> RE: Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered (2/17/2010 10:58:52 AM)

You seem to have a decent awareness of what you seek. Although your profile is wordy, it conveys things clearly and your technique of bolding key words for easy visual access is rather brilliant. The disclaimer at the very end is useless however, both functionally and legally.

As a suggestion, your initial paragraph falls into the defeatist fallacy of presuming that you should only keep yourself publicly available in a certain location via a certain medium over a certain time. Your specific prerequisites will likely not be any harder to find than anyone else's...it's just always hard. Choosing to abandon one way of getting into contact with people because it hasn't yet proved fruitful is like choosing to disown a friend if you haven't spoken with them in a year.

Aside from that, use your judgment as you would in any other area of intimate human interaction.



LadyPact -> RE: Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered (2/17/2010 10:59:58 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Get the hell off of the internet and go to some real world events!

Agreed.  Also, do some reading of some non fiction BDSM books.  If you were considering making any other type of lifestyle choice, wouldn't you want to investigate and research it?

You need to learn a little bit about compatibility in partners and how to properly negotiate a scene.



NihilusZero -> RE: Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered (2/17/2010 11:03:32 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Get the hell off of the internet and go to some real world events!

Agreed.

Well, not kinda. Her profile specifically mentions wanting a relationship that is essentially vanilla of the surface but with the darker behind-the-doors twist. Conventions, munches, parties...are all venues for people who are comfortably overt with their niche in the WIITWD world.

Sure, she might become interested and learn a thing or two attending a shibari seminar but I'm not sure that it necessarily directly aids her efforts to find a partner. Then again, I suppose any method that puts her into contact with more people yields the potential for greater odds...



LadyPact -> RE: Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered (2/17/2010 11:04:53 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero
Then again, I suppose any method that puts her into contact with more people yields the potential for greater odds...


Precisely.



SarasSecret -> RE: Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered (2/17/2010 11:08:38 AM)

Thanks ladies for the compliments and encouragement!

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Get the hell off of the internet and go to some real world events!


While I am confused about some things, I do know for sure the lifestyle scene is not for me. I am very much vanilla in my everyday life and only desire to be otherwise behind closed doors with someone I am romantically involved with .

I rather enjoy coming off as innocent and pure and then proving not to be. Hence SarasSecret.

quote:

You don't sound like you want to give up control. You sound like you want authority in your life and those are different things. Work on which one is for you.


I'm sorry if this is going to sound ignorant and perhaps even stupid. But can you please explain the difference of the two? Perhaps you can give examples/scenarios. I have a feeling you are right but am just unsure of your definitions and how it would change what I am searching for.

thank you!




SarasSecret -> RE: Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered (2/17/2010 11:19:31 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
Agreed. Also, do some reading of some non fiction BDSM books. If you were considering making any other type of lifestyle choice, wouldn't you want to investigate and research it?


I am actually very well read on the subject however I find that there is so much information that it is almost an overload. I can apply my knowledge to other peoples problems yet I am having trouble with my own. There is a multitude of things I am curious and interested in so it is rather hard for me to hone in on what I exclusively want. My mind is constantly reeling with possibilities and desires, at times I even contradict myself.

I do believe and agree with all of you that I need more experience and that is precisely why I am on this site.



LadyPact -> RE: Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered (2/17/2010 11:29:01 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SarasSecret


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
Agreed. Also, do some reading of some non fiction BDSM books. If you were considering making any other type of lifestyle choice, wouldn't you want to investigate and research it?


I am actually very well read on the subject however I find that there is so much information that it is almost an overload. I can apply my knowledge to other peoples problems yet I am having trouble with my own. There is a multitude of things I am curious and interested in so it is rather hard for me to hone in on what I exclusively want. My mind is constantly reeling with possibilities and desires, at times I even contradict myself.

I do believe and agree with all of you that I need more experience and that is precisely why I am on this site.

That's kind of the thing.  This site isn't going to give you 'experience'.  It can give you some worthwhile background information, but that's an entirely different thing.

Think of it very much like flying an airplane.  Now, you can read all kinds of things about it, listen to the experiences of other folks who are pilots, and that can give you a good idea of what it's like in some fashion.  Still, it's not going to teach you what you love most about flying should you put yourself in the pilot's seat.  It's not going to help you know which kind of plane is your favorite to fly or what is the most satisfying or thrilling part to you.

Let's remember something else as well.  If we compare this to flying, I want you to remember that this is only the net.  For all you know, some of the 'pilots' around here, may not be pilots at all.  They may just be supposing what they think it is like as well.  In other words, while there are great resources here, not all of them have a lot of substance. 



domiguy -> RE: Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered (2/17/2010 11:37:06 AM)

There is no need to go to public events. I might like the latest Star Trek movie but the idea of hanging out with all of those freaks at a public gathering is absurd.

Just be cool and smart and inevitably the chips will fall into place.



Lorenzo19 -> RE: Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered (2/17/2010 11:42:03 AM)

Ok. I read your profile. I am 24/7 and live poly. So right there We are not compatible. But putting that aside for a moment. Here is MY opinion of your profile.

You are very articulate in what you want. When I read between the lines I hear you saying: ME, ME, ME. Please ME. Turn ME on. Make ME come. MY fantasies. MY pleasure. MY desire. I would pass you up. I see a girl topping from the bottom. I would think you are exactly the same way outside the bedroom in your vanilla relationship, always the one in control.

I suppose you are being realistic about what you want. But, the ME ME ME thing will limit you somewhat especially in the vanilla part. My opinion is you should advertise for a Man who will worship you in and out of the bedroom and rarely have a thought for himself. It's possible to find that Man. Zero in on what you want.



xxblushesxx -> RE: Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered (2/17/2010 11:43:50 AM)

Lorenzo, she is not ON the bottom as she has not accepted anyone to be her master. Until she does, she can (and SHOULD) have reasonable expectations about what she will and won't accept in a partner.



heartfeltsub -> RE: Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered (2/17/2010 11:50:29 AM)

Lorenzo,

i will have to agree with blushes here. She is not claiming to be a slave, from her awareness of who she is right now, she seems to be looking more for bottoming experience and then to see how far she wants to go into submission. There is NOTHING wrong with that. Your subtle put down of her is unnecessary and unwarranted. People are allowed to be new, to not want to go to the level that you are looking for. All that means is that she isn't compatible with you. There is no need to insult her.

heartfelt



RCdc -> RE: Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered (2/17/2010 11:51:57 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SarasSecret
I'm sorry if this is going to sound ignorant and perhaps even stupid. But can you please explain the difference of the two? Perhaps you can give examples/scenarios. I have a feeling you are right but am just unsure of your definitions and how it would change what I am searching for.

thank you!


If anyone makes you feel ignorant, then feel free to ignore them!  It's sometimes best.[;)]
I perved your profile.  You have a lot there!  Personally, I would thin it out a bit.  You have left yourself a bit too open and exposed.  Besides, part of the fun of a relationship is getting to know someone and you have left me thinking, what else is there to ask when she knows it all, already?  Rule one (yeah, I am being a bit stereotypical here) romantic, monogamous men like to chase and take the lead, your profile takes that away from them.

Master also read your profile - he says that the 'fiercely monogamous' statement gives him the impression that if your man took so much a little look at another woman, he would probably lose his balls to you.  'Absolutely monogamous', he suggests, is a far less threatening and dominant statement and if single, he would find that far more attractive(as a monogamous man himself).  He asked me to pass on that he means that kindly.[:)]

Right now, you seem less about control and more about an authority.  You stated that you want your free spirit to be allowed.  That to me, is the difference between authority and control... if that makes any sense?

I would disagree with the whole 'get to events' suggestion just yet, due to the content of your profile.  Although we get to events and go out, I wouldn't recommend them for someone who is so new, they are having worries about communicating... unless you can go along with someone you already know or trust.  You cannot 'learn' the kind of Ds that you have given me the impression of at an event.  But that's just my personal opinion.

the.dark.



Whiplashsmile4 -> RE: Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered (2/17/2010 11:52:42 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

There is no need to go to public events. I might like the latest Star Trek movie but the idea of hanging out with all of those freaks at a public gathering is absurd.

Just be cool and smart and inevitably the chips will fall into place.

Why you fake wanker wanna-be Trekie... somebody needs to particle beam your ass into crab nebula, and penetrate your haul plating with photon torpedos. May you not "Dif tor heh smusma". This just makes me wanna Yank the Tribble off your crotch delight at you screaming in pain, and toss your poor excuse of a trekie butt into a pit and watch the Klingon women beat your pathic ass into submission. (you know I'm just toying with you, right?)




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