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RE: Is love compatible with certain elements of BDSM? - 1/24/2010 7:09:32 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I can only answer your questions from My perspective.  Please keep in mind that I am poly and My slave is not My primary partner.  This may have a different slant on My answers as someone who would.  It is also important to point out that My slave is very masochistic.


For example, if you consider yourself to be sadistic, can you do the same things to a person that you love as you do to a mere play partner, or does your love make you ease up on them?

I did have some hesitation about this at one point.  It was similar to accepting sadism, with a different angle.  The truth of it is, if you own a masochist, hurting them *is* an expression of love for them.  Yes, it can be a hurdle before you come to that conclusion, but it's great once you come to that understanding.

Can you perform heavy duty CBT on your husband, or do you feel "protective" of his penis (since it may be necessary for creating a family).

Yes, there is plenty that you can do that would be considered heavy duty cbt that has no permanent damage.  Weights are a good example of this.

If you have a "toilet slave", would you ever consider marrying that person?  And if you did marry them, would you still use them as your toilet?

I'm already married, but that particular kink wouldn't stop Me from loving a person.  It's a very bonding kink, much like other types of fluid bonding will deepen a connection with a partner.

If you train your slave to be your dog and take them out for public walks on a leash, could you continue to do so after you married them?  Or would the fact that they are your submissive dog prevent you from ever viewing them as a viable life partner?

Wouldn't change a thing for Me.  I happen to like leash play.  I don't do it in vanilla public, but it's something that both My boy and I enjoy in BDSM settings.

This is not just limited to the edgier aspects of BDSM.  For example, if you are a Domme and you enjoy feminizing males, would the very thing that you enjoy doing with this sub prevent you from ever viewing him as a viable husband?

This one is not one of My kinks, so for this particular one, yes, I would find a person with this kink not a viable partner.

If you are a male Dom and enjoy watching other men use your female slave sexually, would you continue to allow them to do that if you married her?  Or is this kink incompatible with love?

I'm going to answer this one as well, because I have had subs that have served others sexually in the past.  Again, one of My kinks so it wouldn't make someone incompatible for Me.


I guess what I'm saying here is, none of the things that I enjoy would change My opinions in a partner.  In fact, some of them would bond Me closer to that person.  With all but one of the examples above (the cross dressing) it would actually bring someone closer to Me in a D/s dynamic because I am getting to be My whole kinky Dominant self without having to hold back those things that make Me happy in life.






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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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RE: Is love compatible with certain elements of BDSM? - 1/24/2010 7:13:35 PM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
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quote:

ORIGINAL: mc1234

I have, on the other hand, definitely met doms who would act as your OP suggested - that I'd be the sick plaything only, not to be taken seriously.



See that's what i worry about sometimes.  It's the age old question; "Will she respect me in the morning?"

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RE: Is love compatible with certain elements of BDSM? - 1/24/2010 7:15:24 PM   
lucylucy


Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline 		When my boyfriend whips me, makes me beg, humiliates me, whatever . . . it makes me feel completely vulnerable to him. I couldn't possibly allow myself to be so vulnerable with someone who didn't love me. I'm still pretty new at this--less than a year--and one of the biggest surprises for me about D/s is how intimate the kinky stuff is.

I can't speak for my boyfriend, of course, but my impression is that my submission to him is one of the things he loves the most about me. The more I submit, the more he loves me . . . and the more he loves me, the more I want to submit to him. It's a delicious cycle.

_____________________________

“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi

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RE: Is love compatible with certain elements of BDSM? - 1/24/2010 7:19:54 PM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009

quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan

I would certainly never permit someone to engage in something as intimate and as much of a health risk as full toilet play unless we were in a life partnership. 



Thank you for sharing that.  Sounds like toilet play is an intimate and loving activity for you, with no negative perceptions attached to it.



Please allow me to clarify -- toilet play is a Hard Limit for me.  I have never done it and will never do it because of the inherent health risks it presents (not to mention my personal squick factor).  However, if I were to ever entertain the idea, I would only do so with someone with whom I shared the most intimate and loving bond.  There is absolutely no way in the world I would ever consider it with a casual partner.

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RE: Is love compatible with certain elements of BDSM? - 1/24/2010 7:20:37 PM   
HisEvelyn


Posts: 252
Joined: 1/21/2010
Status: offline 		Lucylucy, you pretty much spoke my mind as well. :)

I could not allow someone who didn't love me to do the things to me that my Master does.  It is because there is love that I am set free and able to truly immerse and revel in my submission without worrying about my inherent worth.

When all the kink is said and done, no matter where we go in our sexual exploration?  He will tell me I am his good girl and that I complete him.  That is all I need. :)

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RE: Is love compatible with certain elements of BDSM? - 1/24/2010 7:21:17 PM   
mc1234


Posts: 683
Joined: 10/4/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009

See that's what i worry about sometimes.  It's the age old question; "Will she respect me in the morning?"



Yup, I know what you mean. I found it to be an ugly feeling. I think one way around it is to have a solid base relationship formed before worrying about kinks and stuff - so that you start to feel more safe to share the naughty bits and pieces. The difficulty with that is what happens when you get to know and like someone and then go to play and realize that you are on opposite ends of the 'nasty' spectrum - if his idea of exteme is tickling while yours is cutting. It can be a bit of a conundrum ...

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RE: Is love compatible with certain elements of BDSM? - 1/24/2010 7:21:49 PM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact


If you have a "toilet slave", would you ever consider marrying that person?  And if you did marry them, would you still use them as your toilet?

I'm already married, but that particular kink wouldn't stop Me from loving a person.  It's a very bonding kink, much like other types of fluid bonding will deepen a connection with a partner.



LadyPact,
Thank you for your very thoughtful and detailed answer.  i understand exactly where you are coming from.

i have stated many times that i am rather vanilla, so the OP is flavored by my own perspective.  Because i don't engage in scat (as an example), it is difficult for me to see it as a loving act.  i would never do that to someone that i love.  That is why i needed to get into the minds of those with a different perspective than my own.  The responses that i am getting provide very helpful insight.

Thanks again for your input.

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RE: Is love compatible with certain elements of BDSM? - 1/24/2010 7:24:41 PM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lucylucy

The more I submit, the more he loves me . . . and the more he loves me, the more I want to submit to him.



Beautifully stated.

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RE: Is love compatible with certain elements of BDSM? - 1/24/2010 7:26:10 PM   
lucylucy


Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009

quote:

ORIGINAL: lucylucy

The more I submit, the more he loves me . . . and the more he loves me, the more I want to submit to him.



Beautifully stated.



Aw, thanks.

_____________________________

“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi

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RE: Is love compatible with certain elements of BDSM? - 1/24/2010 9:11:12 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact


If you have a "toilet slave", would you ever consider marrying that person?  And if you did marry them, would you still use them as your toilet?

I'm already married, but that particular kink wouldn't stop Me from loving a person.  It's a very bonding kink, much like other types of fluid bonding will deepen a connection with a partner.



LadyPact,
Thank you for your very thoughtful and detailed answer.  i understand exactly where you are coming from.

i have stated many times that i am rather vanilla, so the OP is flavored by my own perspective.  Because i don't engage in scat (as an example), it is difficult for me to see it as a loving act.  i would never do that to someone that i love.  That is why i needed to get into the minds of those with a different perspective than my own.  The responses that i am getting provide very helpful insight.

Thanks again for your input.



You are quite welcome.  I'm very glad to see that you posted your question.

I think we all have kinks that we are not into and that makes us think differently about them.  There really is a difference between YKINMK, but your kink is ok, and YKINMK and that kink doesn't work for Me.  We all have kinks that turn us off, as well as on.  If all of the above kinks were of the turn on variety for you, it might be something you see differently.  I'm not suggesting that you change your limits in any way, though I'm curious to know if you would have changed your list to things you actually enjoy, would you have still wondered about partnership material?


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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RE: Is love compatible with certain elements of BDSM? - 1/24/2010 9:15:46 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		Love is definitely compatible with all elements of BDSM for me.

The more in love I am, the more I do and the farther and deeper I can go.

With my ex, who I was more in love with than any man on the planet, I went to places neither one of us even dreamed of within BDSM.

It just made is safe to try, trust was there and we did not have to be worried what the other would think about these deviant acts we wanted.

Love enhances everything else in life, why would it not enhance BDSM?

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RE: Is love compatible with certain elements of BDSM? - 1/25/2010 5:46:31 AM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Do you find that you can engage in your particular kink with a partner that you "love", or is your play restricted to play partners that you don't have an emotional bond with?


Absolutely. I about wrote this on another post yesterday actually. I could not imagine myself doing hard core activities with someone I didn't have a strong trust bond with.

I tend to play harder with the ones that I have a deeper emotional/romantic bond with. For me, the manifestation of D/s or s&m in sexuality requires me to show a very intimate part of me and the more I feel close with someone, the more it comes out.

In fact, love brings out a very sensually wicked woman in me ;-)

- LA

< Message edited by LadyAngelika -- 1/25/2010 5:47:31 AM >

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RE: Is love compatible with certain elements of BDSM? - 1/25/2010 7:43:52 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: osf

what you're refering to is dom rot , when a dom for whatever reason, love or laziness loses the ability to do to her what is necessary

that too can destroy d/s relationships


Can you put the goose on please?

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RE: Is love compatible with certain elements of BDSM? - 1/25/2010 7:46:44 AM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		Yes.



Jeff

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RE: Is love compatible with certain elements of BDSM? - 1/25/2010 7:50:27 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14449
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		Shortly after we were married, Master had a hard time reconciling being a sadist towards me with his urge to protect me. It lasted about 6 months. During that time we just kept communicating and working through it. It eventually worked itself out and we went back to having some great play sessions.

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RE: Is love compatible with certain elements of BDSM? - 1/25/2010 7:52:24 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009

i am curious about how some of you balance your kink with your emotions for your play partner.  Specifically, i'm asking those of you who are into some of the "edgier" aspects of BDSM (e.g. aggressive CBT, scat, water sports, human toilet, very heavy whipping/flogging, etc.).  Do you find that you can engage in your particular kink with a partner that you "love", or is your play restricted to play partners that you don't have an emotional bond with?

For example, if you consider yourself to be sadistic, can you do the same things to a person that you love as you do to a mere play partner, or does your love make you ease up on them? 


Some of the more extreme examples you mention are beyond my ken - I'll stand up and shout for the right of sane consenting adults to engage in CBT but personally it gives me the heeby-jeebies.

But take w/s - (Which doubtless gives other people the heeby-jeebies) I don't see any conflict between "Love" as you describe it and continuing to do these things - For me w/s is a very intimate thing (as well as being humiliating and nasty)..

quote:


Can you perform heavy duty CBT on your husband, or do you feel "protective" of his penis (since it may be necessary for creating a family).


That's an interesting thought... I guess a couple have to consider that if they wanted kids together (shuddering!).
quote:


If you have a "toilet slave", would you ever consider marrying that person?  And if you did marry them, would you still use them as your toilet?

If you train your slave to be your dog and take them out for public walks on a leash, could you continue to do so after you married them?  Or would the fact that they are your submissive dog prevent you from ever viewing them as a viable life partner?

This is not just limited to the edgier aspects of BDSM.  For example, if you are a Domme and you enjoy feminizing males, would the very thing that you enjoy doing with this sub prevent you from ever viewing him as a viable husband?


If you are a male Dom and enjoy watching other men use your female slave sexually, would you continue to allow them to do that if you married her?  Or is this kink incompatible with love?


I don't think any of the above are necesarily incompatible with a loving relationship. In the context of feminisation, a friend of mine (married to his domme) say that he is simply a feminised husband now..
quote:


We're all kinky people or we wouldn't be here, so i hope this thread won't turn judgmental.  But are there BDSM activities that you participate in that you would NOT participate in with your spouse or someone that you truly loved?  And if so, does your play partner realize that the activity that they are enjoying with you is actually eliminating them from consideration for a LTR/marriage?



Speaking entirely for myself - I don't think it's the "activities" themselves - all of them (even branding and cbt) can be an act of love.. but I do confess that the relationships that appear founded (through my subjective and judgemental eyes) on abuse rather than love would be incompatible with something like a marriage, or "love" in the conventional sense.



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RE: Is love compatible with certain elements of BDSM? - 1/25/2010 11:22:39 AM   
ricken


Posts: 261
Joined: 1/11/2010
Status: offline 		as a new person to the boards, and BDSM in general, I am not as far as many people here, all I can say is that I wish I had let my Dom side lose long ago. I say degrading things to her that I never dreamed of  to "someone I Love" yet I do, and I am very connected to her. I have thought about your question in the past and never could come up with an answer until now. knowing that I am in a loving commited relationship lets me push her limits farther and farther, when she screams and calls me a sick, evil fucker, I know its all good and have no worries. For instance, and I know this is mild by many people here, she is learning to call herself a cum slut, when she wants sex. A term veiwed as degrading by many, just makes me want and respect her that much more

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RE: Is love compatible with certain elements of BDSM? - 1/25/2010 12:34:54 PM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

Shortly after we were married, Master had a hard time reconciling being a sadist towards me with his urge to protect me.



i can understand his reluctance completely.  When i am in a relationship, i am EXTREMELY protective.  So the idea of hurting the one i love just doesn't compute.  Even is she wants me to hurt her.

That is why i am trying to see it from other people's perspective.  Because for me, love and hurting someone are mutually exclusive concepts.  i know that she would be requesting it, and doing it would make her happy, but it would still be very difficult for me. 

And love and scat.........it's going to take me a while longer to understand how those two can go hand in hand.  But i don't judge anyone who enjoys that particular fetish and finds it to be very loving.

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RE: Is love compatible with certain elements of BDSM? - 1/25/2010 12:42:50 PM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml

Speaking entirely for myself - I don't think it's the "activities" themselves - all of them (even branding and cbt) can be an act of love.. but I do confess that the relationships that appear founded (through my subjective and judgemental eyes) on abuse rather than love would be incompatible with something like a marriage, or "love" in the conventional sense.



Crazyml,
That was an excellent response.  i think you understand where i'm coming from.  Certain acts just give me the "heeby jeebies" (as you called it).  So to appreciate them, i have to get out of my own head, and try to take on the perspective of someone who sees things completely different than i do. 

i am not sure about your last statement though.  Based on some of the things that have been said here, i think that those who have relationships that are "founded on abuse" (as you called them) would probably rationalize that the abuse is very loving.



< Message edited by Rochsub2009 -- 1/25/2010 1:22:00 PM >

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RE: Is love compatible with certain elements of BDSM? - 1/25/2010 1:16:33 PM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

If all of the above kinks were of the turn on variety for you, it might be something you see differently.  I'm not suggesting that you change your limits in any way, though I'm curious to know if you would have changed your list to things you actually enjoy, would you have still wondered about partnership material?


LadyPact,
You are correct.  i would have no problem seeing how my particular kinks could be a part of a loving relationship. 

i'm sure that there are some who just couldn't see themselves engaging in my kink.  So this discussion is opening my eyes to a lot of areas that at times i've viewed as repulsive.  i think i can now understand how someone can include scat, heavy humiliation, watersports, hardcore CBT, etc. as part of their loving relationship.

There is still one kink that is so vile.....so repulsive......so disgusting, that i STILL can't understand how anyone could ever do it.  It's my absolute hard limit.  It's worse than scat.  It's worse than sex with animals.  It's worse than anything i can think of.   i just don't understand how ANYONE could ever..........(it's hard for me to even say it)...........date a republican.  EWWWWWWWW!!!!!!! 


< Message edited by Rochsub2009 -- 1/25/2010 1:17:49 PM >

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