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Is love compatible with certain elements of BDSM? - 1/24/2010 5:32:49 PM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline 		i am curious about how some of you balance your kink with your emotions for your play partner.  Specifically, i'm asking those of you who are into some of the "edgier" aspects of BDSM (e.g. aggressive CBT, scat, water sports, human toilet, very heavy whipping/flogging, etc.).  Do you find that you can engage in your particular kink with a partner that you "love", or is your play restricted to play partners that you don't have an emotional bond with?

For example, if you consider yourself to be sadistic, can you do the same things to a person that you love as you do to a mere play partner, or does your love make you ease up on them? 

Can you perform heavy duty CBT on your husband, or do you feel "protective" of his penis (since it may be necessary for creating a family).

If you have a "toilet slave", would you ever consider marrying that person?  And if you did marry them, would you still use them as your toilet?

If you train your slave to be your dog and take them out for public walks on a leash, could you continue to do so after you married them?  Or would the fact that they are your submissive dog prevent you from ever viewing them as a viable life partner?

This is not just limited to the edgier aspects of BDSM.  For example, if you are a Domme and you enjoy feminizing males, would the very thing that you enjoy doing with this sub prevent you from ever viewing him as a viable husband?

If you are a male Dom and enjoy watching other men use your female slave sexually, would you continue to allow them to do that if you married her?  Or is this kink incompatible with love?

We're all kinky people or we wouldn't be here, so i hope this thread won't turn judgmental.  But are there BDSM activities that you participate in that you would NOT participate in with your spouse or someone that you truly loved?  And if so, does your play partner realize that the activity that they are enjoying with you is actually eliminating them from consideration for a LTR/marriage?
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RE: Is love compatible with certain elements of BDSM? - 1/24/2010 5:37:03 PM   
osf


Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline 		what you're refering to is dom rot , when a dom for whatever reason, love or laziness loses the ability to do to her what is necessary

that too can destroy d/s relationships

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RE: Is love compatible with certain elements of BDSM? - 1/24/2010 5:41:19 PM   
mc1234


Posts: 683
Joined: 10/4/2008
Status: offline 		Truthfully, in order to do the more edgy things that E and I do, I need the bond that we have together. It gives meaning and worth to the acts, brings a depth to them. For example, watersports ... in the past I'd engaged in this activity with someone I didn't have deep feelings for - once, just to experience it. It was a 'meh' experience - it did nothing for me. But with E, I crave that connection because of the meaning/ownership/love that is behind the act.

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RE: Is love compatible with certain elements of BDSM? - 1/24/2010 5:41:29 PM   
camille65


Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline 		The impression I get (which could be totally off base!) is that you see a difference in quality between someone who wants to be used 'badly' and someone who is appropriate to take out into public (marriage/love).

I've asked him how it is that he can be so okay giving me what I need, that I worried it would somehow taint how he sees me. He laughed. Then explained that it is because of his love for me, that he loves me and wants me happy. In order for me to be happy I have certain physical and emotional kinks that need to be filled and he is very good indeed at fulfilling those needs.



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RE: Is love compatible with certain elements of BDSM? - 1/24/2010 5:42:56 PM   
VaguelyCurious


Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline 		I'll let you know as soon as I find a sub I think I could fall in love with! (I'm only little, I'll get there, I promise)

Lady Angelika was saying in another thread that the intensity of her play is connected to the intensity of her feelings for the sub; I've had similar experiences, and if you imagine it like a graph (sorry-physics student) I can imagine that the curve would extend past wherever you end up putting the 'love' marker.

No experience with edgeplay yet, but I can't see as how there would be anything I would be willing to do with a sub I wasn't in love with that I wouldn't be willing to do with a sub I loved.

Sorry I can't be more help :-(


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RE: Is love compatible with certain elements of BDSM? - 1/24/2010 5:43:53 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I'm not into casual fucking/playing so I absolutely have to love and care and be in a committed relationship with someone to even have any desire to play.

My emotions only become stronger for him with everything we do.

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RE: Is love compatible with certain elements of BDSM? - 1/24/2010 5:47:14 PM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
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quote:

ORIGINAL: mc1234

Truthfully, in order to do the more edgy things that E and I do, I need the bond that we have together. It gives meaning and worth to the acts, brings a depth to them. For example, watersports ... in the past I'd engaged in this activity with someone I didn't have deep feelings for - once, just to experience it. It was a 'meh' experience - it did nothing for me. But with E, I crave that connection because of the meaning/ownership/love that is behind the act.


Thank you!!!  That is a very honest and helpful answer. 

i asked the question because i thought that my perspective might be skewed.  You have addressed it in a very different way than i thought of watersports.

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RE: Is love compatible with certain elements of BDSM? - 1/24/2010 5:51:21 PM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
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quote:

ORIGINAL: camille65

The impression I get (which could be totally off base!) is that you see a difference in quality between someone who wants to be used 'badly' and someone who is appropriate to take out into public (marriage/love).



You are partially right.  i fear that there might be a perceived difference in quality on the part of the one performing the act.  i fear that they might think less of the person who allowed them to perform the act on them, even though they fail to inform their play partner of this fact.  If so, are we as submissives actually sabotaging a potential LTR by participating in an act that was actually requested by the Dom/Domme?

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RE: Is love compatible with certain elements of BDSM? - 1/24/2010 6:09:10 PM   
DesFIP


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From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I wouldn't submit to anyone if we didn't have a committed loving relationship.

Now we aren't very edgy compared to most here. But I imagine there are lots of vanillas who would consider being spanked by their partner to be degrading and destructive to their relationship. For us it's done with love and it's also done for fun. We have as much enjoyment in that as we do going to a movie together. And the important word here is together. He doesn't do this to me, we do this together.

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RE: Is love compatible with certain elements of BDSM? - 1/24/2010 6:10:22 PM   
WinsomeDefiance


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Status: offline 		Is love compatible with certain elements of BDSM?  I sure hope so. 

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RE: Is love compatible with certain elements of BDSM? - 1/24/2010 6:13:10 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		My Love has never been one to limit my exploration in BDSM or my sexual passions. If anything... it enhanced it!

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RE: Is love compatible with certain elements of BDSM? - 1/24/2010 6:24:52 PM   
camille65


Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009

quote:

ORIGINAL: camille65

The impression I get (which could be totally off base!) is that you see a difference in quality between someone who wants to be used 'badly' and someone who is appropriate to take out into public (marriage/love).



You are partially right.  i fear that there might be a perceived difference in quality on the part of the one performing the act.  i fear that they might think less of the person who allowed them to perform the act on them, even though they fail to inform their play partner of this fact.  If so, are we as submissives actually sabotaging a potential LTR by participating in an act that was actually requested by the Dom/Domme?




Well I worried myself sick about this for a long time, one of those stupid worries that I kept from my Owner because it was somewhat nebulous in my mind and I didn't know how to explain it lol. I worried that he would eventually think I was a pretty sick fuck on the inside and how could that not turn him off?

Turns out that was part of the trust that he was asking of me, it took me a very long time but at some point I began to confide my fears to him which was hard because I worried (I worry a lot) that it would precipate his disgust.

It probably took him as long to convince me that I was wrong as it did for him to get me to talk to him about it. Since it was a really deep fear of mine it took some convincing but now I know that all of me is safe with him.

My ex husband would have been freaked and likely disgusted, I was basing a lot of my fear on an expected response. The problem was that I was expecting the wrong response from the right person in my Owner.

Hope that I didn't get too rambly.

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RE: Is love compatible with certain elements of BDSM? - 1/24/2010 6:36:09 PM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009

i am curious about how some of you balance your kink with your emotions for your play partner.  Specifically, i'm asking those of you who are into some of the "edgier" aspects of BDSM (e.g. aggressive CBT, scat, water sports, human toilet, very heavy whipping/flogging, etc.).  Do you find that you can engage in your particular kink with a partner that you "love", or is your play restricted to play partners that you don't have an emotional bond with?

[snippage]


I'm the sort of person who is capable of playing casually, but I don't do it well and I don't enjoy it.  I have difficulty playing with someone without a deep emotional investment from both parties.  I am not able to engage in the psychological edgeplay I adore unless I feel completely comfortable with my partner.  I would never consider engaging in that type of play with a casual partner.  I would certainly never permit someone to engage in something as intimate and as much of a health risk as full toilet play unless we were in a life partnership.  There are other activities, such as feminization, that simply hold no interest for me and, therefore, I wouldn't consider including them in playtime unless I was in a close romantic relationship and my partner wished to include them.
 
So, for me, the bond of love (or at least a close friendship) is absolutely necessary if playtime is going to be fulfilling. 

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RE: Is love compatible with certain elements of BDSM? - 1/24/2010 6:36:22 PM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
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[Sally's letter to Gillian] Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there's a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing... I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don't want to believe it but, there is no man, Gilly. Only that moon.




I sometimes wonder if I'm more likely to reach the moon and walk upon it, than I am to realize my dreams.   It doesn't stop me from hoping.  If I believed that love was off the table, there wouldn't be much in the realm of D/s, M/s or BDSM to attract me. 

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RE: Is love compatible with certain elements of BDSM? - 1/24/2010 6:48:29 PM   
DrkJourney


Posts: 1917
Joined: 5/6/2007
Status: offline 		I think it's better on both sides if love is involved.  As someone else said in D/s as well as the vanilla life I couldn't do intimate things with someone that I had no feelings for, just bland, boring, and I don't feel anything, it's just a robotic act. (but that's just me talking).  I might be more inclined to hurt someone I wasn't involved with not because I  don't care, but because I don't know them or their bodies and kind of hard to judge.

For him he's getting what he needs, plus it's being done by someone he loves and trusts so he can relax and go with it instead of worrying if this woman is a nutcase that's gonna turn any minute now

For me I enjoy giving him what he needs and giving me what I need.  Knowing the person's body and how to make it respond...also it's a challenge knowing his body so well how to make it do even more.  I couldn't ease up on him because then neither of us would be happy and that is why we are together because we both wanted this type of life and whether I knew someone or not I wouldn't never hurt them to the point where they could have children (using your example)

I would never look down on him for liking and letting me do what we agreed upon when we started all this, just makes me love him more.

Hope I said this right

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RE: Is love compatible with certain elements of BDSM? - 1/24/2010 6:48:41 PM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
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quote:

ORIGINAL: camille65

Well I worried myself sick about this for a long time, one of those stupid worries that I kept from my Owner because it was somewhat nebulous in my mind and I didn't know how to explain it lol. I worried that he would eventually think I was a pretty sick fuck on the inside and how could that not turn him off?



Exactly!  And you don't have to be a submissive to feel this fear.  i think that perhaps Doms/Dommes sometimes feel it as well.  Does this person that i am starting to have feelings for respect me, or do they think that i'm a sick fuck?

Can they love me after i've swallowed their piss, or do they think i'm a sick fuck?

Does she still love me after i've just finished shitting on her and rubbing it on her face and hair, or does she think that i'm a sick fuck?

i think the fear is equally valid on either side of the kneel.

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RE: Is love compatible with certain elements of BDSM? - 1/24/2010 6:56:23 PM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Now we aren't very edgy compared to most here. But I imagine there are lots of vanillas who would consider being spanked by their partner to be degrading and destructive to their relationship. For us it's done with love and it's also done for fun.



Since you admit that the two of you aren't particularly edgy,have you ever felt that if you did act XYZ (you fill in what that particular act is in your mind), he might lose respect for you, or might not love you as much?  Is there any act that would make you feel disrespected or unloved if he requested if of you?

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RE: Is love compatible with certain elements of BDSM? - 1/24/2010 6:59:38 PM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan

I would certainly never permit someone to engage in something as intimate and as much of a health risk as full toilet play unless we were in a life partnership. 



Thank you for sharing that.  Sounds like toilet play is an intimate and loving activity for you, with no negative perceptions attached to it.

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RE: Is love compatible with certain elements of BDSM? - 1/24/2010 7:04:33 PM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DrkJourney

I couldn't ease up on him because then neither of us would be happy and that is why we are together because we both wanted this type of life



Very interesting response. It sounds like the two of you have very mutually satisfying relationship.  i'm jealous. 

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RE: Is love compatible with certain elements of BDSM? - 1/24/2010 7:04:53 PM   
mc1234


Posts: 683
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009
i think the fear is equally valid on either side of the kneel.




Yeah, I think it helps to embrace the sick fuckedupness of my partner. It takes time to get there with another person that way, where you both are comfortable enough to take the risk of sharing what sick thoughts are floating around in your brain. I still have stuff that I don't utter but it's not because he'll tell me I'm a sick fuck - it's just not ready to come out yet. And I'm still learning the depths of his - I'm sure there's stuff he hasn't shared yet. But I'm fucked up enough that I can't wait to find out what that is.

I have, on the other hand, definitely met doms who would act as your OP suggested - that I'd be the sick plaything only, not to be taken seriously. There was a certain standoffishness to the vibe that showed me how things would be, which completely turned me off.

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