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Pretence: dynamic without responsibility - 1/17/2010 7:16:49 AM

Prinsexx

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I've sat on this thought for a few days now. Kicking it around inside my head trying to find the right angle on what could so easily be mistaken for yet another virtual v real debate.
Simply put: this is based on an experience of cyber and grounded in a question. The question is; why do some/many/ doms like to exert cyber control? I am talking about those relationships where the Dom and sub have either not yet met or have met but are continuing the relationship via chat or IM (because of say distance).
It seems to me that it is a medium well suited to pretence. That is that is it a medium which not only enables such pretence but encourages it. And such pretence is a tool of domination without responsibility.
Some examples.....(sorry if this seems gender biased).....
He (the D) contacts her (the s) by mail on and off over an extended period of time (say a year).
He discloses his intrigue and then interest in her.
He then asks if she would consider being under consideration.
In that twist and turn of words and fate this turns out not to be a question but a statement.
He sets her certain tests or trials |(lets suppose also that these trials are written up in journals for all the world to see).
Whilst 'under consideration' the D simply disappears. Or drops her. Or takes another. Or returns days later without a single word of explanation and then says she's whining.
Let's suppose they meet. Half way because of distances. For coffee. To extablish the deed of consideration. They meet.
He then drops off the planet.
Anyone had this experience? Anyone owning up to having done this unto another?
What's missing in my understanding is responsibility... which I define as an ability to respond. That in the real world of give and take, of relating, there are those who are able to actually respond to another's confusion or need. Responssibility is an aspect of relationship not peculiar to the lifestyle but to life in general surely.
So what is it with the pretence of being in control? The pretence of being dominant? The pretence of mastery?
What is it within submission whereby one would submit under such a set of circumstances?

< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 1/17/2010 7:17:17 AM >

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Post #: 1

RE: Pretence: dynamic without responsibility - 1/17/2010 7:25:11 AM

DesFIP

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People cheat in real life and lie and deceive. Why on earth would you expect anything different from them in cyber? They're still people.

Beyond that, not everyone who cybers does this. If this is what you mainly encounter, then you need to reevaluate your screening techniques. The only constant in all your relationships is you.

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RE: Pretence: dynamic without responsibility - 1/17/2010 7:32:14 AM

DarkSteven

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I'd say that this is not a question of responsibility as much as commitment.

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RE: Pretence: dynamic without responsibility - 1/17/2010 7:41:33 AM

osf

Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

I've sat on this thought for a few days now. Kicking it around inside my head trying to find the right angle on what could so easily be mistaken for yet another virtual v real debate.
Simply put: this is based on an experience of cyber and grounded in a question. The question is; why do some/many/ doms like to exert cyber control? I am talking about those relationships where the Dom and sub have either not yet met or have met but are continuing the relationship via chat or IM (because of say distance).
It seems to me that it is a medium well suited to pretence. That is that is it a medium which not only enables such pretence but encourages it. And such pretence is a tool of domination without responsibility.
Some examples.....(sorry if this seems gender biased).....
He (the D) contacts her (the s) by mail on and off over an extended period of time (say a year).
He discloses his intrigue and then interest in her.
He then asks if she would consider being under consideration.
In that twist and turn of words and fate this turns out not to be a question but a statement.
He sets her certain tests or trials |(lets suppose also that these trials are written up in journals for all the world to see).
Whilst 'under consideration' the D simply disappears. Or drops her. Or takes another. Or returns days later without a single word of explanation and then says she's whining.
Let's suppose they meet. Half way because of distances. For coffee. To extablish the deed of consideration. They meet.
He then drops off the planet.
Anyone had this experience? Anyone owning up to having done this unto another?
What's missing in my understanding is responsibility... which I define as an ability to respond. That in the real world of give and take, of relating, there are those who are able to actually respond to another's confusion or need. Responssibility is an aspect of relationship not peculiar to the lifestyle but to life in general surely.
So what is it with the pretence of being in control? The pretence of being dominant? The pretence of mastery?
What is it within submission whereby one would submit under such a set of circumstances?

to me the fundamental definition of a dominant is a man that desires to own and control a woman. i don't see how he can come remotely near that in any way but in person.

when i hear questions like this i have to wonder just who and what is being spoken about

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Post #: 4

RE: Pretence: dynamic without responsibility - 1/17/2010 7:45:05 AM

Rochsub2009

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i understand exactly where you are coming from. i just made a journal entry about a similar personal experience.

Unfortunately, on-line sites like this foster this type of behavior. It is particularly effective for fake Doms/Dommes. When their behavior starts to become suspect, and you start to question them, they can simply hide behind their supposed "dominance". They'll say things like "Don't question me, sub!", or "You're not a REAL sub. You question your Dom/Domme too much". So you are left in an uncomfortable position of not wanting to be disrespectful of a potential Dom/Domme, but also not wanting to be treated like a fool.

i'm not sure if there is any way around this other than to trust your gut. If something feels suspicious, it probably is. If a person disappears for an extended period, and then just shows up again and doesn't even acknowledge that their behavior was odd, then there is probably something wrong.

Once again, trust your gut. If the person's behavior feels suspicious, run the other way. Your time is too valuable to allow it to be wasted by on-line game players.

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Post #: 5

RE: Pretence: dynamic without responsibility - 1/17/2010 7:54:19 AM

Level

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RE: Pretence: dynamic without responsibility - 1/17/2010 8:06:51 AM

xssve

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Some people are only happy with what they don't have- the flip side is Vanilla women: after you get married, it turns out they hate and want to change everything about you, and once they have changed it, the decide you're boring and want a divorce. I've seen it happen, my ex tried to pull that on me, I think it's more a matter of enjoying the thrill of the chase too much.

I do enjoy the thrill of the chase myself, it's true, but I'm not hung on it, I enjoy devouring my "kill" too much.

< Message edited by xssve -- 1/17/2010 8:07:19 AM >

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Post #: 7

RE: Pretence: dynamic without responsibility - 1/17/2010 8:15:36 AM

IrishMist

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quote:

The question is; why do some/many/ doms like to exert cyber control? I am talking about those relationships where the Dom and sub have either not yet met or have met but are continuing the relationship via chat or IM (because of say distance).
It seems to me that it is a medium well suited to pretence. That is that is it a medium which not only enables such pretence but encourages it. And such pretence is a tool of domination without responsibility.

Sorry, but I happen to disagree with the idea that two people can not connect and have a very fulfilling relationship just because they have never met face to face.

Not everyone requires face to face, hands on D/s. Some are quite happy and fulfilled with taking control/giving control within a 'cyber' environment.

It does not make their relationship any less real than if they were touching 24/7/365

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Post #: 8

RE: Pretence: dynamic without responsibility - 1/17/2010 8:39:08 AM

Domin8tingUrDrmz

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From: Portland Metro, Oregon
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I've had occasions where I just stopped communicating with a person. Quite simply, they weren't suited for Me, I told them I lost interest, they continued to hound Me, I blocked them.

After a few times of telling someone I'm no longer interested to have them retaliate with crass remarks, or by attempting to 'submit' even more...I got to a point where I just no longer felt it was necessary to tell them I'm no longer interested and just blocked them.

Then after doing that a few times, I felt bad because I didn't at least let them know I wasn't interested. LOL. I'm not trying to make light of your thread, but really, if someone tells you they are no longer interested...pleading your case likely wont help. Sure, I expect someone to ask 'why' I'm no longer interested; but if you are gonna ask why, be prepared to accept the answer and then move on.

So, there ya go. I'm guilty and there are my reasons.

I no longer just block, I decided My original method was the better method. But if they can't handle the truth like an adult, I still use my block.

This really has nothing to do with them questioning me, at least, not for me it doesn't. I encourage questions, I PREFER questions. It also has nothing to do with any perceived responsibility. If after talking with someone for a period of time I discover they aren't compatible, I'm simply not going to continue persuing the possibilities. I don't want to bring someone into my home that isn't going to be a good match. Period.

ETA: This is the internet. While I'm 'considering' someone, I don't put a whole lot of emotion into things. Don't get me wrong, I'm friendly, flirtatious, and generally just who I am naturally. But I don't get too emotionally connected at least not until I've met with them and decided they are a good fit. I cannot stop a person from becoming more emotionally invested than I am. I can warn them not to get too attached until I'm blue in the face, but their emotions are for them to control. So instead of getting hurt each time one has a failed online romance, why not find out how emotionally invested they are before one invests all of themself? It's far easier to find out how invested they are by actually meeting, in person, several times.

< Message edited by Domin8tingUrDrmz -- 1/17/2010 8:49:25 AM >

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RE: Pretence: dynamic without responsibility - 1/17/2010 8:47:02 AM

KnightofMists

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Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

I'd say that this is not a question of responsibility as much as commitment.

Or lack of commitment!

I believe in general it speaks of the person Motivations... which are not as they appear. I also agree with DesFip. Online or in person... people cheat... just online it makes it easier for people to cheat..... or shall we say... fulfill their motivations with little ethical considerations.

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RE: Pretence: dynamic without responsibility - 1/17/2010 8:58:29 AM

wisdomtogive

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I have another take on under consideration. Yes a Dom most likely will stop any further pursuit of another Dom, but that doesn't bother me. I too am considering big time about the Dom. For instance my last Sir whom i was under consideration, showed me by his behavior he really could not master me, since any respect that was there on my side diminish. It is a wonderful time to see how someone really is. Best to know what i am getting into and make my decision from that point. It is the most opportune time to end a relationship if need be.

IMO, i am submissive, but i am very choosy on who i will permit to master my life. If they can't master their life, leave me alone. Tall tale signs is inconsistent behavior and attitude -domily dom -god problems, something i do not respect in any one, let alone one i will serve.

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RE: Pretence: dynamic without responsibility - 1/17/2010 9:27:55 AM

Domin8tingUrDrmz

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I don't pursue Doms...lol.

But I agree with your overall statement. Under consideration applies to both parties. That is why I recommended not fully investing oneself until ample in person visits have occured and it's apparent that a good match has been made.

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RE: Pretence: dynamic without responsibility - 1/17/2010 9:28:45 AM

Drifa

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I really think people should separate cyber vs. real life. You can enjoy good cyber, just like you can enjoy good phone sex, without ever seeing the other person. It's a kind of collaborative erotic storytelling that satisfies fantasies physical and emotional.

If you want real, though, I'd start with real. Go to munches, meet people in real life first.

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RE: Pretence: dynamic without responsibility - 1/17/2010 9:31:33 AM

osf

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i've been speaking to a woman that appears to be most all of what i'm seeking but due to her circumstances it may be a while before we could meet.

if when her circumstance change, then i would expect to meet, if not i would no longer be interested in the same level of correspondence though i'd still be willing to be friends

< Message edited by osf -- 1/17/2010 9:32:35 AM >

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RE: Pretence: dynamic without responsibility - 1/17/2010 9:31:48 AM

Domin8tingUrDrmz

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When I refer to cyber I don't necessarily mean cybersex. It could mean a cyberhug, a cyberrelationship, a cyberhandshake, a cyberkickintheass. Cyber to me simply means by way of the internet.

EFT

< Message edited by Domin8tingUrDrmz -- 1/17/2010 9:32:57 AM >

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RE: Pretence: dynamic without responsibility - 1/17/2010 9:34:04 AM

LillyoftheVally

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

FR

Some people look for wank fodder. Some are lonely. Some are trying to learn what they are. Some are dipshits.

I think this sums it up, not much to debate about in the OP to be honest.

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RE: Pretence: dynamic without responsibility - 1/17/2010 9:35:33 AM

osf

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Domin8tingUrDrmz

When I refer to cyber I don't necessarily mean cybersex. It could mean a cyberhug, a cyberrelationship, a cyberhandshake, a cyberkickintheass. Cyber to me simply means by way of the internet.

EFT

isn't this cyber

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all around nice guy and creative misogynist

i'm not very skilled so i just hit harder

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Post #: 17

RE: Pretence: dynamic without responsibility - 1/17/2010 9:46:51 AM

Elipsis

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Don't forget the flip side of the coin. The submissive can "submit" with no real commitment or responsibilities either.

"Did you flog yourself for 4 hours yesterday?"

"Oh yes Master, of course I did."

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RE: Pretence: dynamic without responsibility - 1/17/2010 9:49:41 AM

osf

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Joined: 10/19/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Elipsis

Don't forget the flip side of the coin. The submissive can "submit" with no real commitment or responsibilities either.

"Did you flog yourself for 4 hours yesterday?"

"Oh yes Master, of course I did."

that's not the way i conduct myself, we just talk

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all around nice guy and creative misogynist

i'm not very skilled so i just hit harder

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Post #: 19

RE: Pretence: dynamic without responsibility - 1/17/2010 9:49:53 AM

Domin8tingUrDrmz

Posts: 1269
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Yep. It is. Cyberconversing.

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