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Im gearing up for fight w family - 1/12/2010 12:43:30 PM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Hello.

Where to start?

My brother is not talking to my sister or our other brother.  This now is on for a few months.  I have minded my own business- but now I soon ready to make things better- or--- worse.

I want to tell him - they each have the right to know WHY he is mad- and what is required for it to blow over.

I was hoping the good cheer of Christmas would work it all out.  But to no avail.

Next- my gram is looking pale and frail.   All of the family has calling plans.  I am going to insist 1 3 minute call per week to my gram.  Or just call her.

I don't know what it solves to be mad at a sibling and cut off ties.   I have not done so up until now- because I wanted to be neutral like Switzerland.

..but I now see that this spite is resulting in a more long term detriment.

I am not sure even why I am posting this.   I guess it will all hinge on my timing.   And wording.

It is frustrating as I am not 100% sure that I should do this.

It is tho getting old- to have THIS as the status quo- and what are we going to do- only see each other at funerals?


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RE: Im gearing up for fight w family - 1/12/2010 12:47:19 PM   
LillyoftheVally


Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline 		I am not sure it is a good idea for you to get involved at all, maybe your brother and sister do have a right to know why your other brother is mad, but is it really your place to tell them? I am assuming these are all adult people?

You are a brother not a parent, they have to make their own choices, they should call your gram but you can't 'make' them.

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RE: Im gearing up for fight w family - 1/12/2010 12:47:21 PM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline 		Tell them all to grow up. Life is too short to hold hostility. Do they want to feel like crap at someones funeral because they didnt make amends. Tell them in the end all they have is each other and they can choose forgiveness.

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RE: Im gearing up for fight w family - 1/12/2010 12:48:32 PM   
divi


Posts: 11109
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline 		PA video tape it.. sounds like its gonna be fun lol

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RE: Im gearing up for fight w family - 1/12/2010 12:52:37 PM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally

I am not sure it is a good idea for you to get involved at all, maybe your brother and sister do have a right to know why your other brother is mad, but is it really your place to tell them? I am assuming these are all adult people?

You are a brother not a parent, they have to make their own choices, they should call your gram but you can't 'make' them.


He is 42.    I wont call him-  but when he calls me- I think enough time has passed..... 

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RE: Im gearing up for fight w family - 1/12/2010 12:53:44 PM   
LillyoftheVally


Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: pahunkboy

He is 42. I wont call him- but when he calls me- I think enough time has passed.....



Well good luck

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RE: Im gearing up for fight w family - 1/12/2010 1:07:30 PM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

Tell them all to grow up. Life is too short to hold hostility. Do they want to feel like crap at someones funeral because they didnt make amends. Tell them in the end all they have is each other and they can choose forgiveness.


you may recall  a thread on baby names I started a few months back.   When my sisters kid was born - the fight started.  My brother got yelled at for not washing his hands prior to holding the UM.  (by BIL)  he is fact DID wash his hands- but then got my sister a soda from the machine which means he then touched money. So ok- whatever- in a way that was a slam against my sister - because she had a hard labor.
...and any adult would have rolled with the punch so as to keep peace.
So that was strike 1.

Strike 2- I told him that she needed some hand holding on her upcoming surgery.   He ignored it.

According to him- the BIL does not like anyone in the family.  He also went on to say- he thinks he cheated on my sister.

Yet has nothing to back it up-  nothing.

I told him it is possible to have a relationship with our sister w/o the BIL around - because the guy works alot.

Now her UM- the older of the 2 is asking where his uncle is.   

...I told my sister this could be a case where no guy will ever be good enough for the sister- and that sometimes men lock horns.   also it is not a 3 way marriage.  (hesitates to post this)

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RE: Im gearing up for fight w family - 1/12/2010 1:08:59 PM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: divi

PA video tape it.. sounds like its gonna be fun lol



if that would skin the cat- I sure would.  lol

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RE: Im gearing up for fight w family - 1/12/2010 1:10:49 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pahunkboy

Hello.

Where to start?

My brother is not talking to my sister or our other brother.  This now is on for a few months.  I have minded my own business- but now I soon ready to make things better- or--- worse.

I want to tell him - they each have the right to know WHY he is mad- and what is required for it to blow over.

I was hoping the good cheer of Christmas would work it all out.  But to no avail.

Next- my gram is looking pale and frail.   All of the family has calling plans.  I am going to insist 1 3 minute call per week to my gram.  Or just call her.

I don't know what it solves to be mad at a sibling and cut off ties.   I have not done so up until now- because I wanted to be neutral like Switzerland.

..but I now see that this spite is resulting in a more long term detriment.

I am not sure even why I am posting this.   I guess it will all hinge on my timing.   And wording.

It is frustrating as I am not 100% sure that I should do this.

It is tho getting old- to have THIS as the status quo- and what are we going to do- only see each other at funerals?



PA, you can only be responsible for yourself.


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RE: Im gearing up for fight w family - 1/12/2010 1:51:52 PM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

quote:

ORIGINAL: pahunkboy

Hello.

Where to start?

My brother is not talking to my sister or our other brother.  This now is on for a few months.  I have minded my own business- but now I soon ready to make things better- or--- worse.

I want to tell him - they each have the right to know WHY he is mad- and what is required for it to blow over.

I was hoping the good cheer of Christmas would work it all out.  But to no avail.

Next- my gram is looking pale and frail.   All of the family has calling plans.  I am going to insist 1 3 minute call per week to my gram.  Or just call her.

I don't know what it solves to be mad at a sibling and cut off ties.   I have not done so up until now- because I wanted to be neutral like Switzerland.

..but I now see that this spite is resulting in a more long term detriment.

I am not sure even why I am posting this.   I guess it will all hinge on my timing.   And wording.

It is frustrating as I am not 100% sure that I should do this.

It is tho getting old- to have THIS as the status quo- and what are we going to do- only see each other at funerals?



PA, you can only be responsible for yourself.




Good point.



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RE: Im gearing up for fight w family - 1/12/2010 1:58:12 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Damn... new parents! (shakes head) I don't know how the hell my children survived my dirty hands... rushing from phone to kid to kid... to store, money... pacifier and all those friggin germs. You handle things... you wash as much as you can and touch only certain parts if you can't avoid it... but to protect a baby so much... you are actually causing more harm to them by not allowing their immune system to build up because of germ exposure.

But other than that... good luck with that PA... but if people are willing to be so anal about parenting a new baby... and let relationships with family be ruined... that's going to be a real challenge.

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RE: Im gearing up for fight w family - 1/12/2010 2:26:07 PM   
sub4hire


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Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
Don't assume you will see one another at funerals.  When Doug's grandma passed away..one cousin did not show because his brothers and sisters would be there.  He didn't go to grandma's funeral because he had a chip on his shoulder.

You can't push these people.  You can ask why they are mad...etc.  Yet you can't push them into something they aren't ready to do.
Just be happy you get along with all of them.

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RE: Im gearing up for fight w family - 1/12/2010 3:04:53 PM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		...I think I have a yes.    My one brother- and calling gram.

yay.



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RE: Im gearing up for fight w family - 1/12/2010 3:54:03 PM   
Viridana


Posts: 754
Status: offline 		I think you should keep playing Switzerland regardless what happens. In a group of childish grown ups I think it's best to be the adult, even if end up being the only one. 

< Message edited by Viridana -- 1/12/2010 3:56:26 PM >

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RE: Im gearing up for fight w family - 1/12/2010 4:25:22 PM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Viridana

I think you should keep playing Switzerland regardless what happens. In a group of childish grown ups I think it's best to be the adult, even if end up being the only one. 


...and that also is true.

I am certain that I will urge them to be calling my gram.   That much I am sure of.

The rest of it- ...is -- in a different light.    Much of me says to butt out.  

I will try to see the situation is the glass 1/2 full.   I did tell my sister she can phone me more often.  I know it is not quite the same thing... but I offered.

She did say she was going to get into his face about the tiff.     I told her that it is only fair that she know why the no talk and what his requirement is to resolve that.  She has a right to know.  and yet- it is sort of up to her to speak for herself.  

I guess part of me too does not want him to go into a deep depression.  He went into one a few years ago- and I was afraid for the situation.  Him driving on no sleep 100 MPH in and around the rockie mountains- with outbursts of crying.   (over an ex girlfriend- ) (who happily is still the ex-)  ( no shortage tho of chasing the wrong types tho!!! )

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RE: Im gearing up for fight w family - 1/13/2010 5:18:01 AM   
Hillwilliam


Posts: 19394
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline 		PAHunk, this worked with a cousin of mine once. He was being a little snot even though he was an adult. I walked out to where he was standing in the driveway out of earshot of the family (I guess you could call it an adult tantrum) and looked him in the eye and said "YOU are an insult to the male half of the human race.... shit dont go your way, fuckin grow up and DEAL with it" then I walked off. took a while but it must have worked...... cant go any worse for ya. You might have to change the wording but the basic idea is he has to GROW UP and act like a man instead of some kind of wuss.

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RE: Im gearing up for fight w family - 1/13/2010 5:24:59 AM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline
quote:

It is frustrating as I am not 100% sure that I should do this.
why do you want to do this to yourself?

My advice is unless they both ask you to be a mediator between them, stay in the background and wait it out.


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RE: Im gearing up for fight w family - 1/13/2010 7:38:47 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pahunkboy
I am going to insist 1 3 minute call per week to my gram.  Or just call her.



Nope.  You'll build more walls by demanding.

First, say that you're concerned about the situation.  Ask him to explain what's going on with him.  Then be prepared to shut up and listen.

He's got communication issues and is firmly convinced he is right.  Arguing with him won't change that.  Letting him blow off steam and talk about it might.

Try not to argue.  It's gonna be HARD.

After he's simmered down (and it might take more than one call), explain to him why you're concerned.  Ask if there's a way to keep in contact even though he has a legitimate point (yeah, you HAVE to say that even if he's dead wrong).

Good luck.


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RE: Im gearing up for fight w family - 1/13/2010 8:39:52 AM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pahunkboy

Hello.

Where to start?

My brother is not talking to my sister or our other brother.  This now is on for a few months.  I have minded my own business- but now I soon ready to make things better- or--- worse.

I want to tell him - they each have the right to know WHY he is mad- and what is required for it to blow over.

I was hoping the good cheer of Christmas would work it all out.  But to no avail.

Next- my gram is looking pale and frail.   All of the family has calling plans.  I am going to insist 1 3 minute call per week to my gram.  Or just call her.

I don't know what it solves to be mad at a sibling and cut off ties.   I have not done so up until now- because I wanted to be neutral like Switzerland.

..but I now see that this spite is resulting in a more long term detriment.

I am not sure even why I am posting this.   I guess it will all hinge on my timing.   And wording.

It is frustrating as I am not 100% sure that I should do this.

It is tho getting old- to have THIS as the status quo- and what are we going to do- only see each other at funerals?



Good luck with this! About a year ago i had a VERY hard decision to make about something VERY similar. my sister and mother had a disagreement and stopped talking for MONTHS. Well it was KILLING our mom, so i had to pull out the "big Sister" trump card(it was VERY dusty cause i never hardly use it) i called my sister, listened, and talked to her. It went ok, and mom and my sister did finally patch things up.


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RE: Im gearing up for fight w family - 1/13/2010 9:03:34 AM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		...I now have a 2nd yes on calling my gram.

so far that one is going well.

The brother tho- ..we will see.  No hurry there.   It could be a week before he calls.  I am not going to call him to rag him out on this. He tends to get relaxed when he is in FL so once he is relaxed- maybe he will see how silly he is.

I think he and my sister will patch it up- sooner then the 2 brothers.  She is a bright gal- and she did say it is time to get in his face over the spat.   So I think maybe I will wait for that.   Then when he brings it up- say something to the effect that one should know WHY the cut off and what must happen to move on.   He is not able thus far to put that into words.

My grandfather did not speak to me for 12 years.  But I knew why and what was required to move on.   (the gay thing) (he came to terms in his own way his final year of life.- I have no anger at my late grandfather)  I view that- I had the luxury of knowing WHY and WHAT.    This is not afforded to my siblings- so I think he could do that much.



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