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The Aftermath of Rape - 12/19/2009 8:06:48 PM   
Heathen4


Posts: 17
Joined: 5/26/2009
Status: offline 		I have always loved BDSM, and so has my boyfriend and current dom. The problem is that a few weeks ago, I was raped by another man. Charges are being pressed and I'm seeing a counselor, but I'm scared for my relationship with my dom. I want so badly to return to our lifestyle and be a submissive again, but every time I try I think about what happened and it horrifies me. Anyone been through anything similar or have any tips for how I can get back to normal?
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RE: The Aftermath of Rape - 12/19/2009 8:22:08 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Heathen4

I have always loved BDSM, and so has my boyfriend and current dom. The problem is that a few weeks ago, I was raped by another man. Charges are being pressed and I'm seeing a counselor, but I'm scared for my relationship with my dom. I want so badly to return to our lifestyle and be a submissive again, but every time I try I think about what happened and it horrifies me. Anyone been through anything similar or have any tips for how I can get back to normal?


Firstly, my heart goes out to you. That must have been a horrible experience. I hope you have good support around you.

My first question is, are you receiving counselling? Whatever you do, don't wait too long. It is my experience that seeing a counsellor that is specialised in victims of sexual violence and post-traumatic stress disorder prevention can be a huge help for you, especially if you see them as soon as possible.

As for you and your Dom/boyfriend, I hope that he understands that certain activities might be off the table for a while. When you feel comfortable with him, you might share your fears with him and let him know what potential triggers are. If you feel up to having sex now (and believe me, it is normal if you aren't), you might want to have a special safe word that has him stop and comfort you (or anything else that you might need at that moment).

Whatever you do, do not let anyone rush you through your healing process. A man who loves you will be patient and give you what you need.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to Heathen4)
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RE: The Aftermath of Rape - 12/19/2009 8:25:39 PM   
Heathen4


Posts: 17
Joined: 5/26/2009
Status: offline 		I am seeing a counselor, but due to money issues I can only see one of the ones offered for free at my college. And my dom is being so sweet about everything, constantly stopping to ask if I'm okay or if I want to continue. I just wish that I could go back to the submission I love so much. I'm just so lost and confused with no one else to turn to

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
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RE: The Aftermath of Rape - 12/19/2009 8:33:17 PM   
Dominasola


Posts: 582
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Ottawa, Canada
Status: offline 		I have had this happen to me, and I understand the distress you are feeling.  I wasn't even able to be near any man physically for months afterward; you are lucky that you have someone who clearly cares about you and is aware of the stress you are under. The counselor should help, if you feel comfortable talking to her.  Ask her if there are other resources you can explore that may give you some direction to help cope with the event.  Look up rape crisis centers in your area; for Pennsylvania, try this website:

http://www.pcar.org/help/hotlines.html

The one thing that helped me the most was being around the people I loved.  Although it didn't happen overnight, I slowly began to heal with their support.

(in reply to Heathen4)
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RE: The Aftermath of Rape - 12/19/2009 8:37:22 PM   
Heathen4


Posts: 17
Joined: 5/26/2009
Status: offline 		I do thank you for your support. Hopefully I will be able to pull through like you did. Though it doesn't look like you're a submissive?

(in reply to Dominasola)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: The Aftermath of Rape - 12/19/2009 8:40:30 PM   
AcademyForSlaves


Posts: 712
Joined: 2/24/2006
Status: offline 		Safe, Sane, and Consential.

Your dom should understand your need for time-out. Even in a vanilla relationship a man should understand and appreciate a woman's need to heal emotionally, physically, and mentally. If he doesn't then he might not be the right man for you. But that's something you need to decide on your own.

Hope this helps.

_____________________________

Academy Mistresses
http://www.academyforslaves.com/home.html

(in reply to Dominasola)
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RE: The Aftermath of Rape - 12/19/2009 8:41:38 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Great suggestion on the rape crisis center's... they can often help you find resources. They may even have something that your dominant could benefit from. Also, some police departments can help you with teams they have for victims and also direct you to the district attorney's office who has funding in many areas, for victims that can be used before a criminal case, so that you might be able to afford more counsel.

I am very sorry you have gone through this. Please give yourself time to heal before you pressure yourself to be as you were. It takes time to heal. You can get through this and there is life and good life after rape. Just focus on healing and the rest will come. I wish you the very best.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to Dominasola)
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RE: The Aftermath of Rape - 12/19/2009 8:42:34 PM   
tsatske


Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline 		The answer to how to get back to normal is, slowly.
What you loved before you will be able to return to love, because you have the power not to let that man take that from you. but it will take time and patience.
Allow your Master to give you loving, caring, attention, to be patient and give you that time, and when you are back at yourself, you will remeber that you serve a man who walked through hell with you.
Be very gentle with yourself, and give yourself whatever you need. He didn't kill anything in you, you will, with time, be able to nurture all that is you back to health. health with scar, but, still, eventually, fully you.
Blessings to you.

_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

(in reply to Heathen4)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: The Aftermath of Rape - 12/19/2009 8:43:43 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Would it help if he came to a therapy session with you and have the therapist advise him directly about what to do or not to do?

But please don't pressure yourself into being someone you can't be right now. You cannot immediately get back to what you were doing. However you are submitting when you allow him to take the lead, and when you answer his questions about how you are feeling and what you need.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to AcademyForSlaves)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: The Aftermath of Rape - 12/19/2009 8:44:04 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Heathen4

I am seeing a counselor, but due to money issues I can only see one of the ones offered for free at my college. And my dom is being so sweet about everything, constantly stopping to ask if I'm okay or if I want to continue. I just wish that I could go back to the submission I love so much. I'm just so lost and confused with no one else to turn to


That's the golden part.

He's there for you and showing that he's willing to wait while you heal.  There's more to submission that just bedroom kink - now you have to follow his lead in this as he works with you to determine when you'll be all right to bottom to him again.

Trust him to know what's best for you.  He wants you to submit to him again as well, but he knows better than to push you too fast.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Heathen4)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: The Aftermath of Rape - 12/19/2009 8:47:23 PM   
Dominasola


Posts: 582
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Ottawa, Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Heathen4

I do thank you for your support. Hopefully I will be able to pull through like you did. Though it doesn't look like you're a submissive?


I am, although, I wasn't into BDSM when it happened.  I did have some flashbacks the first time I ever experienced something other than vanilla sex, but my partner and I slowly (and I mean, SLOWLY) worked through it until I could finally enjoy it.

(in reply to Heathen4)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: The Aftermath of Rape - 12/19/2009 8:54:13 PM   
laura2161


Posts: 254
Joined: 3/8/2008
From: Duluth, GA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Heathen4

I am seeing a counselor, but due to money issues I can only see one of the ones offered for free at my college. And my dom is being so sweet about everything, constantly stopping to ask if I'm okay or if I want to continue. I just wish that I could go back to the submission I love so much. I'm just so lost and confused with no one else to turn to


First  I want to say I am sorry this has happened to you. Seeing a counselor and speaking about it will help.

Without knowing you I do not know if this will help or not, But I think it will be helpful for you if you stop trying to think of terms of being 'a' submissive or returning to the submission you love. Submission is not just sexual and you and your dominant can still let your submissiveness shine through  without resorting to bdsm activities until you heal from the rape.

It will take quite a while to not be afraid but the old adage really is true- Time heals. GOOD for you for seeing a counselor and pressing charges. I don't know you but Im proud of you for having the courage to stand up for yourself.

Many hugs
Laura

edit for typos


< Message edited by laura2161 -- 12/19/2009 8:56:05 PM >

_____________________________

'I am not infantile, You StinkyButt Poophead!'

(in reply to Heathen4)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: The Aftermath of Rape - 12/19/2009 9:05:25 PM   
lucylucy


Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline 		I'm so sorry this happened to you.

I've been there. It sucks and it takes time to process it all. There's no way to speed up the processing time, and you have to be patient with yourself. I joined a support group and it helped me tremendously.

_____________________________

“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi

(in reply to laura2161)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: The Aftermath of Rape - 12/19/2009 9:31:18 PM   
maiden1971


Posts: 12
Joined: 5/30/2006
Status: offline 		Heathen4 - I admire you. Because of my circumstances (work and home), I did not have the courage to press charges or seek counseling after my rape. It took years to work up the courage to come back to the lifestyle and I still have issues with being bound, if I do not completely know and trust the person I am with or I am in a strange setting. I rarely discuss the experience itself but I felt I needed to respond to your question..... there is no set timeframe.

It took about 10 years for me.... before I was able to say I am ready to try being involved in bdsm again. However, as I said before, I did not seek counseling and did not have an understanding Dom or spouse to help me through the experience. You can try to push yourself but it will backfire. What I can say to you now is go slow - baby steps again - and talk to each other every step of the way. When you panic, stop and talk it through... don't allow yourself to withdraw, because then your attacker will have taken a precious part of your life. Don't push yourself before you are ready.... patience from both of you will be needed.

I am proud that you were able to do what I could not.



< Message edited by maiden1971 -- 12/19/2009 9:37:39 PM >

(in reply to Heathen4)
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RE: The Aftermath of Rape - 12/19/2009 10:55:21 PM   
estah


Posts: 491
Joined: 5/2/2009
Status: offline 		Greetings Heathen,

you have cmail.

verity


_____________________________

It all comes down to choice...we chose how we see things...we chose what we say...what we do...we chose who we are.

Better a cold truth then a warm lie

(in reply to maiden1971)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: The Aftermath of Rape - 12/19/2009 11:03:01 PM   
Hawkwindblues


Posts: 183
Joined: 6/26/2009
From: Berlin, Germany
Status: offline 		Heathen4,

my heart goes out to you.

I was sexually abused as a um and although it is different, i think i can contribute.

Expect a time of overlapping experiences, what me helped immensely and still does is talking to myself along the following lines:

What happened is in the past, i am now in a safe, selfchoosen situation with somebody i love, whenever it shifts recite your own mantra.

My thoughts are with you.

Ruth


_____________________________

After 10 years with the handle ZenDragoness it is time for a change.

(in reply to Heathen4)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: The Aftermath of Rape - 12/20/2009 12:28:25 AM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Heathen4

I have always loved BDSM, and so has my boyfriend and current dom. The problem is that a few weeks ago, I was raped by another man. Charges are being pressed and I'm seeing a counselor, but I'm scared for my relationship with my dom. I want so badly to return to our lifestyle and be a submissive again, but every time I try I think about what happened and it horrifies me. Anyone been through anything similar or have any tips for how I can get back to normal?



Give yourself some time please.
I am sure your Dom would want it that way.
People who care for you will be there and slowly you will see it go back to normal.
But...this had so much impact on you and people around you, things will change.

(in reply to Heathen4)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: The Aftermath of Rape - 12/20/2009 12:30:33 AM   
Malkinius


Posts: 1814
Joined: 1/9/2004
Status: offline 		Greetings Heathern4.....

Many years ago in college I did some work and study on rape and rape counseling. I do remember a few things from then that I don't think have changed much.

First of all...concentrate on this having been done to you by one man, not all men. Focus on that. One man who will be going away and not doing this to you again. If you find someone trying to bring out your hatred of all men, run. They will do you more harm than good. That is induced damage and stress. There are books on rape and rape counseling which do or at least did include creating fear and hatred of men as a way to "get you past the rape". It didn't work then and it doesn't work now. Look at your Dom for an example of a good man.

Rely on the strength of your Dom for support. You both need and want support right now and it sounds like he is willing and capable of giving it. Take it. Treat him as a free counselor and confidant. If you can let everything out to him you will have less problems with other people later, especially men. Remember that you trusted him before. He did nothing to you that you didn't want done. He will not be likely to change for the worse because of the rape.

One of the things I found out from both study and talking to women who were raped. The more control you take over your life and afterwards and the more you simply accept that it happened, it is over, you got through it and it is unlikely to happen to you again (yes folks, that is statistically true), the quicker you can set it aside and get on with your life. Find other things to focus on and concentrate on them. If you must keep going over it in your mind, concentrate on the places where you had some form of control. Where you were the actor rather than acted upon. Then on the ones where you could have been the one in control.

One of the main things I learned about dealing with rape as it is happening is that the more the woman takes control the better she comes out of it. That does not necessarily fighting off the rapist. It can mean still having sex but under more of her conditions. Many of the blitz rapists get off more on power and fear than the sex. Agree to willing sex with them and they can't get it up to have sex. That does not work with date rape and someone known very well and usually close to the victim. They are more interested in sex than power. With them, you have to take away the power in little steps and prolong the situation to have a better chance of getting out of it.

The main thing right now is for you to take control over your life. As long as you can't get past the rape and rapist, they still have control over you. They win. You need to win or put the win in someone else's hands such as your Dom. Let him win for and with you. When that happens you will find yourself healed most of the way.

Be well....

Malkinius


_____________________________

A questioner by inclination...An Auctioneer for the fun of it
http://www.HouseMalkinius.com    The goal is community.

(in reply to Heathen4)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: The Aftermath of Rape - 12/20/2009 12:38:36 AM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline
quote:

Rely on the strength of your Dom for support. You both need and want support right now and it sounds like he is willing and capable of giving it. Take it. Treat him as a free counselor and confidant. If you can let everything out to him you will have less problems with other people later, especially men. Remember that you trusted him before. He did nothing to you that you didn't want done. He will not be likely to change for the worse because of the rape.


IF he handles that all.
Dom's should be aware they are not experts in everything..sometimes we are not more then just an arm around our sub/slave.

(in reply to Malkinius)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: The Aftermath of Rape - 12/20/2009 12:46:30 AM   
Heathen4


Posts: 17
Joined: 5/26/2009
Status: offline 		I thank you all for your advise on this issue. I don't feel so alone anymore. The fact that all of you believe that I can return from this is encouraging, to say the least. You have no idea how much I thank each of you

(in reply to Malkinius)
Profile   Post #: 20
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