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RE: The Aftermath of Rape - 12/20/2009 2:43:26 AM   
XaviersXian


Posts: 525
Joined: 9/8/2007
From: Australia
Status: offline 		Hello everyone,

Heathen, I've been raped twice.  It's been ten years since the first incidence for me, and I am still dealing with the awful effects (chronic sexual dysfunction being just one of them).

Both of the acts have taken away parts of me that I am almost certain I will never regain.

Over the years, I have seen short term "crisis" counsellors (for me personally, they were useless) and longer term "personal" counsellors, but neither truly helped.  Either solution may work for you, or only one of them may work, or none of them may work.

The only useful piece of advice I can give you is to take everything slowly.  Don't let *anyone* (your Dom, a counsellor, well-meaning friends and relatives, *anyone*) tell you that you have to "get over it" or "should be over it by now".  You will heal in your own way (you may recover fully, or you may find "sore spots" that linger for years, or that never fully go away), and you will heal in your own unique way.

If you need anything, please, feel free to cmail me.

I wish you comfort.

(in reply to Psychonaut23)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: The Aftermath of Rape - 12/20/2009 6:53:37 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline
just want to send a hug. dont rush youreself. baby steps. xx

_____________________________

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(in reply to XaviersXian)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: The Aftermath of Rape - 12/20/2009 9:11:20 AM   
sweetsub1957


Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline 		I have been raped more than once before I was a submissive.  I am so sorry you had to go through this.  Big HUGS.  It may take awhile before you can be intimate with anyone again.  It took me months.  Don't push yourself.  Heal in your own time, taking baby-steps if necessary, and take the time you need.  And get counseling.  That's important too.  I couldn't afford it, so I didn't get any, but now I wish I had been able to.  A good Dom and/or significant other will understand that you need healing time.  It happened to me in 1982 and I still get PTSD flashbacks around men who look a lot like him, so I just don't go there.  Good luck in your healing and....LOTS OF HUGS.

_____________________________

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"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to Heathen4)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: The Aftermath of Rape - 12/20/2009 10:21:05 AM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Malkinius

Greetings Heathern4.....

Many years ago in college I did some work and study on rape and rape counseling. I do remember a few things from then that I don't think have changed much.

First of all...concentrate on this having been done to you by one man, not all men. Focus on that. One man who will be going away and not doing this to you again. If you find someone trying to bring out your hatred of all men, run. They will do you more harm than good. That is induced damage and stress. There are books on rape and rape counseling which do or at least did include creating fear and hatred of men as a way to "get you past the rape". It didn't work then and it doesn't work now. Look at your Dom for an example of a good man.

Rely on the strength of your Dom for support. You both need and want support right now and it sounds like he is willing and capable of giving it. Take it. Treat him as a free counselor and confidant. If you can let everything out to him you will have less problems with other people later, especially men. Remember that you trusted him before. He did nothing to you that you didn't want done. He will not be likely to change for the worse because of the rape.

One of the things I found out from both study and talking to women who were raped. The more control you take over your life and afterwards and the more you simply accept that it happened, it is over, you got through it and it is unlikely to happen to you again (yes folks, that is statistically true), the quicker you can set it aside and get on with your life. Find other things to focus on and concentrate on them. If you must keep going over it in your mind, concentrate on the places where you had some form of control. Where you were the actor rather than acted upon. Then on the ones where you could have been the one in control.

One of the main things I learned about dealing with rape as it is happening is that the more the woman takes control the better she comes out of it. That does not necessarily fighting off the rapist. It can mean still having sex but under more of her conditions. Many of the blitz rapists get off more on power and fear than the sex. Agree to willing sex with them and they can't get it up to have sex. That does not work with date rape and someone known very well and usually close to the victim. They are more interested in sex than power. With them, you have to take away the power in little steps and prolong the situation to have a better chance of getting out of it.

The main thing right now is for you to take control over your life. As long as you can't get past the rape and rapist, they still have control over you. They win. You need to win or put the win in someone else's hands such as your Dom. Let him win for and with you. When that happens you will find yourself healed most of the way.

Be well....

Malkinius



Great post! I know personally that as long as we feel a victim, we are. What got me through my victimization was being very stubborn and saying... they did this... it hurt... I will lick my wounds and pick myself up and dust off, but they will not change me. If I had let them change me, I would still victim and they would still have power over me. Somehow I knew that, though I am not sure how I did. I had to face off with these guys... for over a year. No one would help me and somehow my stubborn got me through it and on with life. I was 12-13 when this happened and no one believed me until they were caught in the act. But they did not win!

Empowering yourself is major! While you are trying to survive and empower yourself it might be harder to submit, but you can submit again. There really is life after rape.

_____________________________

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(in reply to Malkinius)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: The Aftermath of Rape - 12/20/2009 3:53:38 PM   
rockspider


Posts: 633
Joined: 9/26/2009
Status: offline 		This subject has been on the medias here a lot and handled by very competent personel (Psychiatrist, psychologists and other forms of professionel councellors). One of the things they do agree on (there really is a lot of difference in the treatment of the psychiatric traumas they recommend) is that councelling is not only for the victim, but certainly also for the nearest, here the one you call the dominant. The reason being that he can see it as a trauma to himself too, or if that is not the case often don't really know how to handle the victim afterwards. So do find a good therapist or selfhelpgroup and go there together.

(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: The Aftermath of Rape - 12/20/2009 4:22:06 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		First, I want to tell you how sincerely sorry I am for what happened to you.

In My opinion, the answer to your question is time.  How long or how short of a time that might be, I honestly can not say.  Some cope better than others.  I think you are taking the right steps in a positive direction.

Allow yourself to go through the stages of grief associated with this event.  Know that you are not alone and there are many who will at least attempt to understand what you have been through.  Also know that what you experienced has nothing to do with BDSM at all, nor D/s or M/s structure.

There are good people here.  Please be willing to allow those who have had the same experience to help you, if they can.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to rockspider)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: The Aftermath of Rape - 12/20/2009 9:39:22 PM   
KingCrazyEyes


Posts: 24
Joined: 11/25/2009
Status: offline 		Seeing justice served is one of the best forms of councelling in history.
quote:

ORIGINAL: XaviersXian
The only useful piece of advice I can give you is to take everything slowly. Don't let *anyone* (your Dom, a counsellor, well-meaning friends and relatives, *anyone*) tell you that you have to "get over it" or "should be over it by now". You will heal in your own way (you may recover fully, or you may find "sore spots" that linger for years, or that never fully go away), and you will heal in your own unique way.

I don't think anybody could've put it better.

< Message edited by KingCrazyEyes -- 12/20/2009 9:42:57 PM >

(in reply to Heathen4)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: The Aftermath of Rape - 12/21/2009 7:06:27 AM   
Acer49


Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Heathen4

I have always loved BDSM, and so has my boyfriend and current dom. The problem is that a few weeks ago, I was raped by another man. Charges are being pressed and I'm seeing a counselor, but I'm scared for my relationship with my dom. I want so badly to return to our lifestyle and be a submissive again, but every time I try I think about what happened and it horrifies me. Anyone been through anything similar or have any tips for how I can get back to normal?


Well it seems that you are doing just about all you can do at this point. Just give it time that is all you can really do.

_____________________________

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
Harvey Fierstein

(in reply to Heathen4)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: The Aftermath of Rape - 12/21/2009 7:17:49 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: laura2161

Without knowing you I do not know if this will help or not, But I think it will be helpful for you if you stop trying to think of terms of being 'a' submissive or returning to the submission you love. Submission is not just sexual and you and your dominant can still let your submissiveness shine through  without resorting to bdsm activities until you heal from the rape.

It will take quite a while to not be afraid but the old adage really is true- Time heals. GOOD for you for seeing a counselor and pressing charges. I don't know you but Im proud of you for having the courage to stand up for yourself.

Many hugs
Laura

edit for typos



I strongly agree with this. You are submissive. Focus more on other areas and simply let time do it's magic. What happened to you was very wrong but you will get through it and you will be able to pick up where you had to hit pause with the kinky stuff. There isn't a rush or a race.

Talk to your friends, your dom and I would suggest seeking out the local BDSM communities. Rape and molestion is something lots of women have had to deal with - you may find more resources there, if only in more willing ears to talk to and another pair of arms for support.

I wish you all the best and I hope to see a lot more of you here on the boards.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to laura2161)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: The Aftermath of Rape - 12/21/2009 7:41:50 AM   
wisdomtogive


Posts: 636
Joined: 11/13/2009
Status: offline 		Hi Heathen and gentle hugs for you.

Rape happens and happened to me 3 times, with one being a gang rape. I do not believe what you are matters when you are raped, because it all boils down to being a victim of a crime. Time heals that is for sure. Any person you are with, be them a Dom or what have you, will have to adjust themselves too, if they really care about you.

Counseling is a good thing, and honoring yourself is a must. You have to learn again that you are okay. Yes you are a victim of a crime, but you are not a victim of life. Baby steps is what is needed. Your Sir sounds very understanding. To submit to him, you must also have faith in him that he can cope with you needing time to heal.

Gentle hugs
wisdomtogive

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(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: The Aftermath of Rape - 12/21/2009 2:42:57 PM   
Phoenixpower


Posts: 8098
Status: offline 		Hi Heathen, sorry to hear about your experience.

I can relate to that in respect of childhood abuse from two different guys on far more then two occassions.

I struggled at that age a lot to get over it and the fact that my parents were never approachable despite that it was obvious that my personality changed big time did not make it any easier...however, overall I do agree with what Malkinius states (though I can't talk about statistics).

In my case when I reached the end of my teens I managed to start to talk about it to very close friends at that time...and in the beginning of my twenties I worked actively against it and was dating guys on a nsa basis, where it did not matter to me what they might think about me during the meeting...for me the talking to certain friends in those days was the start to come to terms with it and to learn to accept that it is part of life...and once I had met a few guys on a nsa basis I started to gain confidence and started to relaxe in regards to getting close with guys...that is not the way for everyone, but that was my way and thats how I got over it and after about 8 years suffering from regular nightmares 3-5 times per week I finally got rid off them about 6 years ago, too...therefore it is true...the more you feed the fear....the bigger it grows...once I started actively to work against it (I never had counselling and even when I was hospitalised due to a suicide attempt because of it aged 15, that so called professional psychowhatever there did not get it and found it appropriate to name me something like a spoilt brat...which - as people who know me - I am certainly not).

However, I simply decided that I need to get over it as I don't want to give those guys the power for the rest of my life to control my life...if I would allow that to happen I would never have a relationship, family, etc....and there simply my will to get through it was stronger...it took years and lots of tearful outbursts...however...I got there...

don't pressurise yourself into getting there or to just to forget about it...decide what pace is the right one for you and go that one...my pace took years, it did not happen overnight...wounds need time to heal...but talking about it does certainly help...don't bottle up about it.

Good luck and best wishes (((hugs)))


_____________________________

RIP 08-09-07

The PAST is history, the FUTURE a mystery, NOW is a gift - that's why it's called the PRESENT

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(in reply to wisdomtogive)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: The Aftermath of Rape - 12/21/2009 10:06:32 PM   
MistresPendragon


Posts: 1
Joined: 10/1/2009
Status: offline 		First I am very sorry this happened to you or anyone for that matter !!!I have been there I was 14, but i learned to deal with it in writing, I wrote about the exp. and it has helped me alot even now i still write abot it and the things that happened.
BUT make sure you AND your bf seek counselling ASAP !!!! you are the only one that can get back on the path you were on until someone made you take a turn, now you need to get directions on how to get back to where you were ! Good luck to you and your family it is a long road but you will do just fine !!!

much love Amethyst

(in reply to Heathen4)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: The Aftermath of Rape - 1/23/2010 11:57:22 PM   
scarletsubgirl


Posts: 2
Joined: 1/23/2010
Status: offline 		Heathen, I'm answering this from two points of view: a person sexually abused for years as a child and a survivor or marital rape; and as a submissive.
First, my heart goes out to you.
Rapists are thieves of our sense of safety. Society will also try to paint us as "wanton" or some such rubbish.
I found, surprisingly, that reverting to my inner sub was a healing move.
I CHOOSE who to submit to and how much. And I do it joyfully, in the bedroom and out.
My Love knows of my past and knows when I say no, or I cannot, that I truly cannot continue, and the activity ceases, right then.
Submission IS POWER.

edited to add: how was that for a first post? Whew!


< Message edited by scarletsubgirl -- 1/23/2010 11:58:00 PM >

(in reply to MistresPendragon)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: The Aftermath of Rape - 1/24/2010 12:06:52 AM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		I can only tell you that time and support usually heals those emotional wounds. Best wishes to you.

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I give good thread.

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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: The Aftermath of Rape - 1/24/2010 12:59:09 AM   
jujubeeMB


Posts: 723
Joined: 1/8/2010
Status: offline 		Heathen,

I'm so sorry. I was sexually assaulted in college, and went through exactly what you described. I was so angry and hurt, because I had been such a vibrantly blooming sexual person, and suddenly I was hard, afraid, unable to be vulnerable with a man, and unable to even get turned on most of the time. I thought I was never going to be the person I was before ever again, and for a time, I wasn't. But slowly, and carefully, I started opening up more and trusting more. I know it's hard to believe right now, but you will be that vibrant, sexually joyful person again someday. All you have to do is take the time you need, ask for the support you need, and let yourself feel what you feel as it comes up.

One thing I will say about the advice about relying on your Dom - it's wonderful that he's so supportive, and you should absolutely include him in a therapy session or two so he can get some of the information he needs about being with a rape victim, but make absolute sure that your healing process is your own, and that you don't become strictly dependent on your Dom. Rape strips away our personal power, and it's very important for you to regain that power for yourself on your own terms. There's a very old stigma about rape victims that they need to be "saved." Being saved is just another form of powerlessness, and that's the last thing you need right now. The right partner will understand that you need to lead this process and let him know what you need from him.

Also, please take care of yourself. If you're having a hard time with sex, then ease off for awhile. Hold each other. Talk and touch until you're turned on and then don't do anything about it. Build more trust than you had before, even, so your body can start to relax and your mind can open up. Do this for months. Your Dom could even make it a rule that you won't be doing anything submissive for X period of time. That will allow you the freedom to want it and to move towards it without any movement from him. Eventually, he can start gently testing his own movement.

And email me (or any of the other women on this thread who have offered) if you ever want someone to talk to, some advice, or just to vent.

(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: The Aftermath of Rape - 1/24/2010 5:48:52 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
condolences for your loss and a few things that your post brought to mind:

it has been this slave's experience that one doesn't "go back to normal"...rather, that it takes time to adjust to the new "normal"...the one where you can't erase the memory of what was forced upon you against your will.

it's been 28 years and gallons of tears, for this slave...and there are still sore spots...but it has gotten VERY much better.

best of wishes to you.

(in reply to Heathen4)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: The Aftermath of Rape - 1/24/2010 8:00:39 AM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I am seeing a counselor, but due to money issues I can only see one of the ones offered for free at my college.


Many states offer free counseling and victim services, I recall from a friend who was raped. This is what I found in PA:

http://www.pcar.org/help/what_to_do.html

http://www.portal.state.pa.us/portal/server.pt/community/are_you_a_victim_of_crime_/5415





(in reply to Heathen4)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: The Aftermath of Rape - 1/24/2010 9:12:03 AM   
ShaharThorne


Posts: 11071
Joined: 2/24/2009
From: Somewhere in TX
Status: offline 		I agree with Malkinius. It takes time to recover and grow strong. There is a reason why I don't do ass play and it is one of my hard limits. Someone decided to push that limit and I ended up suffering from PTSD to where I had to be hospitalized for at least a week (I took too many pills because the PTSD was causing insomnia and I was getting NO sleep). Reason for the hard limit was because when I was 11, I was molested by a fellow student. Mom wants me to talk more but I refuse to unless it is with a couslner.

It will take time to heal. I feel that I am ready to start looking for a partner again, but I am taking it one step at a time.

_____________________________

Goddess of Yarn

You are making two and a half feet of irresistible, tubular sex! -Lola, Kinky Boots

Founder: Bitch with Tits

Whip me, beat me, make me feel cheap and have great sex

(in reply to Malkinius)
Profile   Post #: 38
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