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rules for fighting - 11/19/2009 3:09:52 PM   
lucylucy


Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline 		Something breatheasone said in another thread connected with something I’ve been thinking about lately:

quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

We also made fighting rules EARLY in our marriage. Those have helped too over the years.



I think rules for fighting/arguing/heated discussions/whatever-you-want-to-call-it are a great idea. I have mentioned a couple times before that my boyfriend and I are learning how to fight fair with each other and are coming up with rules for arguing. In my previous relationships, I fought to win and wasn’t interested in rules—I was interested in winning. But now, maybe because I’m older and more—I hesitate to say mature—seasoned, I don’t want to win necessarily. I want to resolve a conflict, and the only way to do that is to fight fair.

Rules for fighting/arguing/heated discussions/whatever-you-want-to-call-it isn’t strictly a D/s topic, but I think the D/s dynamic has to be taken into account with some of the rules.

The rules my boyfriend and I have come up with so far are

  • When he wants to end a discussion/argument, he will ask me if I have anything else to say. If yes, we keep talking. If no, we stop. If I’m not sure, I can ask to bring up the discussion again in 24 hours.

  • I am not allowed to pull what he calls “the lawyer trick”: saying things and then withdrawing them, the way a trial lawyer does when she wants the jury to be swayed by something but knows it’s out of order.

  • Topics of a serious nature need to be discussed in person or on the phone (rather than by email).



What are some of the rules you and your partner(s) use?


_____________________________

“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi
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RE: rules for fighting - 11/19/2009 3:15:54 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Absolutely!

Stick to the topic at hand and no bringing up old shit. Once it's done it's done.

No discussing/arguing/debating while under the influence. I will NOT argue with a drunk!

No finger pointing. You stick a finger in my face while yelling and I will bite the fucker off.

I also do my best to avoid "YOU............!" type statements, and instead "I feel......." etc. It's more productive.

Don't walk away talking and expect me to know what the hell you are trying to say. But do walk away, and cool off for a bit, if emotions are running too high.

just a few....


< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 11/19/2009 3:17:14 PM >

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: rules for fighting - 11/19/2009 3:27:39 PM   
lucylucy


Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline 		LaTigresse, those are all great. I'm going to add them to my own list. I especially like "no bringing up old shit."

_____________________________

“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi

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RE: rules for fighting - 11/19/2009 3:32:32 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you Lucy. My brother and his wife are horrible at that. It is so horrible and destructive and never does anything to resolve the primary issue.

So I believe in finding out what the core issue is, and sticking to it.

No reason to be angry because the SO hurt your feelings last night but your bitching about dirty dishes that were left in the livingroom last week. Or a lie 5 years ago.........


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to lucylucy)
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RE: rules for fighting - 11/19/2009 3:49:56 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		Hi everyone...

When I argue, I try (emphasis on TRY) to stick to fair fighting.  Not being accusatory, talking about my responses to things, and being patient.

I don't like to fight.  I don't even like being around arguing.  It's terribly upsetting for me.  I rarely do it.  But if my hackles are up, you can dang sure bet that I've been patient a longgggggg time.

I would like to respond to the "no bringing it up again."  While generally that is a good one - it is fair after all... over and done.  I don't think we can necessarily always follow it. 

If for some reason a person responds a certain way, habitually or because they know no other recourse or are working on changing, I think it is fair to bring it up again.  Also, as we grow, our responses to things do change - even things in the past.  Something new may arise, and I think it's fair to bring it up ... judiciously.

YMMV of course,
sunshine

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Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

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RE: rules for fighting - 11/19/2009 4:42:13 PM   
lucylucy


Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline 		I had originally posted this in General BDSM discussion but it was moved by the moderators because apparently this topic has "nothing to do with BDSM" (moderator's words). Not to fight with the wise moderators , but I think the D/s dynamic absolutely affects how we fight and the rules we might find useful. Am I alone in this idea?

(And I mean no disrespect to the moderators--I just happen to very much disagree that this topic has "nothing to do with BDSM.")

_____________________________

“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi

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RE: rules for fighting - 11/19/2009 4:54:25 PM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		I would not anticipate much, if any, fighting, in a D/s relationship. Discussion, perhaps.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to lucylucy)
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RE: rules for fighting - 11/19/2009 5:00:56 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

...I want to resolve a conflict, and the only way to do that is to fight fair...


there is another, albeit less popular way to resolve conflict.  concede/surrender/submit - conflict over.
 
we have discussions over trivial and inconsequential things, such as "What does vanilla mean to you?" or "Which movie is the greatest of all time?", in which we don't agree, but we don't fight with each other because we have different tastes in cinema or different perceptions of descriptive words.
 
we haven't had anything to fight about...so far...and this slave can't imagine what could possibly occur that would result in her making the conscious choice to pick a fight with Him.

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RE: rules for fighting - 11/19/2009 5:16:29 PM   
DomImus


Posts: 2004
Joined: 3/17/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
No discussing/arguing/debating while under the influence. I will NOT argue with a drunk!

Don't walk away talking and expect me to know what the hell you are trying to say. But do walk away, and cool off for a bit, if emotions are running too high.


I would change that first one to 'No getting pissed off when you're drunk' but that's easier said than done. It's been my experience that you can have whatever rules in place that you wish concerning inebriation and what transpires when someone is inebriated but once someone is inebriated all bets are off.

The second one is good, too. I'm one of those folks who sometimes needs a time out. It not only gives me a chance to gather my thoughts and formulate what I want to say but after cooling off a bit sometimes my perspective of the issue at hand changes and it's not that bad after all. If you force me to sit and talk about it now when I would like a time out then you reap what you sow.




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"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." Sidney J. harris

(in reply to LaTigresse)
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RE: rules for fighting - 11/19/2009 5:22:22 PM   
DomImus


Posts: 2004
Joined: 3/17/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lucylucy

I had originally posted this in General BDSM discussion but it was moved by the moderators because apparently this topic has "nothing to do with BDSM" (moderator's words). Not to fight with the wise moderators , but I think the D/s dynamic absolutely affects how we fight and the rules we might find useful. Am I alone in this idea?


I'll side with the mod. This is a pretty universal topic. It applies to a D/s dynamic because it applies to just about any interpersonal relationship we might find ourselves in.

If it were strictly a D/s issue it would read like this: "I'm the Dom. I win. Game over." 


_____________________________

"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." Sidney J. harris

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RE: rules for fighting - 11/19/2009 5:41:02 PM   
LadyEllen


Posts: 10931
Joined: 6/30/2006
From: Stourport-England
Status: offline 		I refuse to abandon the tactic of "bringing up old shit" when after all, I took so many hormones partly with the aim of being able to drag up things from years ago to throw into any personal dispute; things which, in my prior state, I simply would never have been able to recall.

E
(the feminist)

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RE: rules for fighting - 11/19/2009 5:41:18 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

we haven't had anything to fight about...so far...
HA! LIAR!! (Whoops, I remember your mom's rule - you fibber!)

quote:

Which movie is the greatest of all time?",
There's never been an argument about that. EVERYONE knows it's the Godfather. beth just doesn't admit to being wrong about whatever her choice is. It doesn't qualify as an argument - it's a point of fact.

quote:

we have discussions over trivial and inconsequential things, such as "What does vanilla mean to you?"

To be precise the ongoing "discussion", without resolution, on this issue is my position that; people in gay relationship can be 'vanilla'. There is something which can be referred to as 'vanilla gay sex'. beth on the other hand, takes the incorrect position that simply having gay sex is not 'vanilla'. We've decided to let that be determined by polling gay people. So far I think I'm winning by a 2-1 ratio.

The last major argument we had was playing backgammon against each other on the plane going to Amsterdam. I told her I couldn't figure out how to play and the 'strategy'. beth thought I was letting her win. I NEVER let anyone win and was insulted that she thought so! I just suck at backgammon.

However, I'm avoiding the one irreconcilable issue between us. In the event we break up - she has to take everything. she insists that won't do it and says when it's over she's leaving and forcing me to deal with all the shit we've managed to collect and house over the past 7 years. For this reason alone we may be together forever. (You see that makes me the de facto winner of that argument because in our 'contract' it's written; she can not die before me. Ergo - she will have to deal with taking care of the crap! - HA!)

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
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RE: rules for fighting - 11/19/2009 6:10:43 PM   
lucylucy


Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

I would not anticipate much, if any, fighting, in a D/s relationship. Discussion, perhaps.


Sure--heated discussion sometimes.

_____________________________

“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi

(in reply to Level)
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RE: rules for fighting - 11/19/2009 6:12:10 PM   
lucylucy


Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DomImus

quote:

ORIGINAL: lucylucy

I had originally posted this in General BDSM discussion but it was moved by the moderators because apparently this topic has "nothing to do with BDSM" (moderator's words). Not to fight with the wise moderators , but I think the D/s dynamic absolutely affects how we fight and the rules we might find useful. Am I alone in this idea?


I'll side with the mod. This is a pretty universal topic. It applies to a D/s dynamic because it applies to just about any interpersonal relationship we might find ourselves in.

If it were strictly a D/s issue it would read like this: "I'm the Dom. I win. Game over." 



Point taken. I concede. Game over.

_____________________________

“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi

(in reply to DomImus)
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RE: rules for fighting - 11/19/2009 6:20:10 PM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lucylucy


quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

I would not anticipate much, if any, fighting, in a D/s relationship. Discussion, perhaps.


Sure--heated discussion sometimes.


Possibly ; but not for long.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to lucylucy)
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RE: rules for fighting - 11/19/2009 6:22:00 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		We haven't fought in a few years. Not since we discovered that invariably they came down to misunderstanding what each other said and meant.

Also I asked him one time if we could please not talk anymore but just go to bed and hug each other. Holding each other naked, falling asleep of exhaustion seems to take the anger out of it. And then sometime the next day whoever couldn't express what they meant will figure out how to say it which leads to the "oh I thought you meant" and then sheepish apologies.

These days we skip the anger and just go to bed naked. It saves time.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: rules for fighting - 11/19/2009 8:13:45 PM   
Rhodes85


Posts: 445
Joined: 11/15/2008
From: Nova Scotia, Canada
Status: offline 		'there is another, albeit less popular way to resolve conflict.  concede/surrender/submit - conflict over.'
 
Who says you can't learn things from the French 

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This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. Had this been an actual emergency you would all be dead by now. Have a nice day and remember: Friends don't let friends vote Republican.

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RE: rules for fighting - 11/19/2009 10:05:34 PM   
DomKen


Posts: 19457
Joined: 7/4/2004
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		I like the no bringing up old shit rule but can never seem to make it work.

A big one is no going to be bed mad.

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RE: rules for fighting - 11/19/2009 10:54:03 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		one I think is important is that if your partner says something like "I need to not talk about this right now, let's talk about this later"...LISTEN and DO.

If an argument has gotten too heated, then sometimes the BEST thing is to give both parties time to cool down and regroup.


And sometimes, I think - if the topic is especially heated - writing about how you are feeling in an organized way, as dispassionately as possible can be an effective tool.  Well, as long as your partner is willing to READ it...


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polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

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RE: rules for fighting - 11/19/2009 10:58:14 PM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I dont know.  But lately my brother has been in one heck of a mood- which then rubbed off on the other siblings.  He seems to be looking for a fight at any little thing.

So- that makes it easier to not feel bad that I cant take a trip to see family right now.

After a while it gets old picking up all the pieces....

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