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RE: For The Dominants, Why Do You Care? - 11/19/2009 7:45:25 AM

RapierFugue

Posts: 4740
Joined: 3/16/2006
From: London, England
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
Why do the opinions of so many random strangers have such an impact?

A: They don't.

Not on me, at any rate. Other people's opinions are precisely that - opinions. And if I've learned one thing about BDSM in general, and CM in particular, it's that a) no 2 people have the same relationship/dynamic and b) there are a lot of fuckwits out there giving "expert" advice that's about as much use as a chocolate teapot.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 21

RE: For The Dominants, Why Do You Care? - 11/19/2009 8:20:04 AM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

So, My question in turn to other Dominants is, why do you care about such things when it comes to your own world? What does it matter to you if someone has a different opinion than you when it concerns your dynamic? Why do the opinions of so many random strangers have such an impact?

Greetings LadyPact,

It is my sincerest belief that the opinions of others matter when acceptance or validation are missing components that we're seeking outside of ourselves. This message board is merely one method of securing them. Employment, activities, friends, etc. are other avenues one might choose to fill the void. I don't feel this is necessarily unhealthy if one is aware why they're behaving in a certain fashion and don't become dependent on securing feedback from others. As you've mentioned it is nice to glimpse various approaches that allow us to revisit and augment our own when motivated to do so.

However, in regard to sharing and placing importance on outside opinions, my mindset differs. It is very rare that I will provide personal details in this space about my relationships. I'm private and prefer to keep that part of my life separate. It is difficult for anyone to weigh in correctly based on the limited information provided, and I've seen some not so pleasant episodes that have occurred when certain elements were shared openly that the author may have come to regret revealing later on.

While I appreciate the feedback and the spirit it was given. I temper my response accordingly, mainly because their ability to incite something negative or defensive is virtually nonexistent. I'm apt to ask myself why I care if I notice those feelings cropping up. I view these are indicative of a need to search myself and identify where I feel insecure or harbor fears that are being offset or set aside through participation in mediums like this. In the end I accept ownership for my behavior and cannot hold anyone responsible for my response. If I'm being impacted as stated, it has more to do with something I need or I'm allowing to occur, rather than the musings that strangers have shared.

~porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

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Post #: 22

RE: For The Dominants, Why Do You Care? - 11/19/2009 4:31:30 PM

earthycouple

Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

The only time someone else's opinion matters to me is if I respect that person; then, I weigh what they have to say, and go from there.

Very rarely does it cause me to change my mind, however.

Here! Here!

Nice to see you Lady Pact

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Post #: 23

RE: For The Dominants, Why Do You Care? - 11/19/2009 4:55:34 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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LOL. I just said the same thing to you on another thread.

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Post #: 24

RE: For The Dominants, Why Do You Care? - 11/19/2009 8:55:39 PM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

I don't really care what anyone thinks of my D/s relationship. If it makes my boy and I happy, that's what matters. I come here to rather bluntly state my opinions, and I do come here in the hopes that my observations can be of help to others.

The opinions of the people here who I've come to respect, are of great interest to me because it is always good to be open to considering new ideas, and alternate points of view. It doesn't mean I hafta adopt them myself, but its nice to sort of try them on for size, sometimes- even if only for a moment. Its fun to get the flavor of how others think and feel. Its fascinating! LadyPact, YOU are fascinating, and wonderful.

I might be in your neck of the woods in a month or two ( I travel a lot), and would love to get the chance to meet you. I've always admired your posts. You are intelligent, articulate, and have a wickedly fun sense of humor! But I digress....

When I first came here a few years ago (points if anyone knows what either of my other two screen names were, before this one) I was dreaming, hoping, and planning for a distant future. Part of the purpose of coming here was to gain knowledge and perspective, since I'd been slave most of my life. With the change to domme, I knew what I wanted and didn't want, and how to get it, but I wanted to learn about new ideas and methods for achieving my desired goals. Things I hadn't thought of, or tried before. Because I knew that the relationship I needed to have with my boy would be different than the one that I'd needed to have with my own dom.

So, with this wonderfully diverse group of people, and the many different dynamics in their relationships here, and the freedom and generousity with which they dispense their intuitive (or sometimes hard-earned) wisdom, I became enthralled- and quite at home!

We might say that we're strangers, and in many ways we might be.... But when, through all our days and nights together here, through our words, ranging from playful banter, on up to soul-baring sentiments... we begin to understand each other on deeper levels, such as getting to know each other's thought processes, and value systems- getting to know what's really important to one another, and being able to share in our weaker moments- to ask for and receive help and validation from one another, --- well, then we have a depth of understanding and of feeling for one another that is beginning to feel more and more like a good friendship should, that frees people to reach new heights of intimacy and mutual self-actualization. And there you have it: The goal. For my slaveboy and I, the goal of mutual self- realization, or self-actualization, can be very sweetly enhanced by the broader awareness, and the sense of community that can come from our budding and flourishing friendships here. There is love and sense of belonging, here. Respect of and by others. The things we need to garner in order to lift each other up into the pinnacle of full self-relization, or self-fulfillment... Well now there I go again, prattling on- but you get the idea. What was the question?

< Message edited by dreamerdreaming -- 11/19/2009 9:04:13 PM >

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Post #: 25

RE: For The Dominants, Why Do You Care? - 11/19/2009 9:56:13 PM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
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quote:

So, My question in turn to other Dominants is, why do you care about such things when it comes to your own world?
I care what others may see from ANOTHER point of view..if I missed something etc..
I love to learn..listen to other's experiences//
I take what I want and leave the rest..
CM is a community for me..and was there when I was in an isloated littel hick town up north.
What does it matter to you if someone has a different opinion than you when it concerns your dynamic?
It doesn't..it is interesting and worth thought and very good for the brain.

Agreed GypsyMambo.

I'd add that hearing other's positions permits me to analyse my own, and do some introspection, which in turn permits growth.

In addition, I believe that allowing ourselves to read/listen to another opinion, consider it, weight it against our own beliefs with as little prejudice as possible, determine what we take or leave (all, nothing, something in between) is how our species has managed to evolve.

The brightest minds of humanity were those who asked questions, listened to others and reconsidered their conceptions of the world. Bravo to all those of you who chose to have an open mind and evolve!

On a side note, it does matter to me a lot what people I care about think of me because I influence their lives. My closest friends are mirrors for me. But I'm really not affected by what strangers think of me, especially those who make assumptions about me. I tend to just ignore them and focus on what's important.

- LA

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Post #: 26

RE: For The Dominants, Why Do You Care? - 11/20/2009 5:26:15 PM

LadyHibiscus

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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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I don't "care" in the sense that I am worried about following some kind of norm, but I am interested in how others do things, and how they work or don't work for them. I've learned a lot by reading other opinions, and gotten a lot of validation, too. Sometimes, I just say, Oh well, Hib is a REBEL as usual! and gone on my merry way. Wherever you go, there you are... and my leanring and experience has gotten me here!

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[page 23 girl]

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Post #: 27

RE: For The Dominants, Why Do You Care? - 11/22/2009 1:47:17 AM

Padriag

Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

So, My question in turn to other Dominants is, why do you care about such things when it comes to your own world? What does it matter to you if someone has a different opinion than you when it concerns your dynamic? Why do the opinions of so many random strangers have such an impact?

As a general rules of thumb, I don't care. If someone asks a question or starts a topic that is of some interest to me, my habit is to post my opinion once and then leave it be. Others will say what they will... I will rarely argue it.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 28

RE: For The Dominants, Why Do You Care? - 11/22/2009 1:57:00 AM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

So, My question in turn to other Dominants is, why do you care about such things when it comes to your own world?

I think part of any genuine intellectual competence comes with being able to take into considering the possibility that there may be an answer to a dilemma that may be better than the one you are using. I'm pretty sure every person who I would respect enough to take their input from has, at least once, had a view on something at least slightly different than mine. From them, it becomes something I used to measure my thoughts against.

Otherwise, I don't often care (for the most part). The more you get accused of being a devil's advocate for the sake of it, the more that realization sets in.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

What does it matter to you if someone has a different opinion than you when it concerns your dynamic? Why do the opinions of so many random strangers have such an impact?

Inevitably, every answer has to be one that resonates with what is naturally in me (unless I end up seeing what's in me as unattractive enough that I wish to put forth effort to change it), so while considering the ideas of others is useful in principle, I won't feel a need to actually deviate from a decision on a personal level if it's what I seek/want (although, by nature, I'm prone to yield to overwhelming logic in most every facet...so, in that sense, I can be persuaded).

_____________________________

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(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 29

RE: For The Dominants, Why Do You Care? - 11/22/2009 2:33:25 AM

Vendaval

Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline

There are a select group of people whose opinions actually matter to me, both in person and through Online communication.
Feedback both positive and negative is useful for finding a path through difficult decisions. Ultimately it is my will that counts.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
So, My question in turn to other Dominants is, why do you care about such things when it comes to your own world? What does it matter to you if someone has a different opinion than you when it concerns your dynamic? Why do the opinions of so many random strangers have such an impact?

_____________________________

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great day, I will tease you all the same."
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(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 30

RE: For The Dominants, Why Do You Care? - 11/22/2009 9:30:11 AM

xssve

Posts: 3589
Joined: 10/10/2009
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For me, it's more of a matter of policy w/regards to the health of the community as a whole, so I have definite stands on certain issues, i.e., consent, looking before you leap, taking some time to get a perspective before getting into something extreme, etc., otherwise, I prefer not to involve myself in someone else's dynamic.

When it comes to philosophy, I have similar standards, i.e., I tend to be skeptical w/regards to any sort of categorical imperative beyond basic SSC.

A lot of stuff that concerns me personally, has to do with the whole issue of having to put on a Vanilla face in order to avoid drama/reprecussions, and I don't think anybody has, or is going to resolve that one right away.

Simply maintaining SSC standards helps a great deal I think, I've even recently seen public disclaimers that deliberate outing (i.e., reposting pics or writings outside of a BDSM board) will result in legal action, and maintaining some basic standards is what makes a proactive stance like this possible.

(in reply to Vendaval)

Post #: 31

RE: For The Dominants, Why Do You Care? - 11/22/2009 9:40:02 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Coming back to this, in most cases, I received the replies that I expected. This wasn't regarding taking other people's opinions and/or views into account when looking for additional information. I did make that point in the original.

In the majority of the replies from those who have an authority dynamic of some kind in their lives, they honestly don't. For many, it really boiled down to a similar mindset that I hold Myself. That very basic component that exists in any situation where one person has power over another. It comes down to, in My dynamic, I'm in charge. I'm glad to see others who apply this in their lives the same way. I tend to wonder when it comes to those that don't if they wouldn't really prefer an equality based arrangement.

Thank you to all who took the time to respond.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to xssve)

Post #: 32

RE: For The Dominants, Why Do You Care? - 11/22/2009 11:29:46 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
So, My question in turn to other Dominants is, why do you care about such things when it comes to your own world? What does it matter to you if someone has a different opinion than you when it concerns your dynamic? Why do the opinions of so many random strangers have such an impact?

OK, here's a different question.... if the opinions of posters here didn't matter to me, then why on earth would I be wasting my time here? That, to me, is arrogance beyond measure. It says pretty clearly, "Hey, I'm here to pontificate to you all on the right way to do things, but I have no real interest in you or your thoughts. Now, once I've decided that the people on collarme are real people that I am choosing to interact with on a real basis, then it becomes a question of what, exactly will get my ire up rather than whether somethign will or not.

I know it's very domly to say "I don't give a flying fuck what the rest of the world thinks", but I don't see that as domly. I see it as rude and hypocrtical and more than likely and childish.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 33

RE: For The Dominants, Why Do You Care? - 11/22/2009 11:46:22 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
So, My question in turn to other Dominants is, why do you care about such things when it comes to your own world? What does it matter to you if someone has a different opinion than you when it concerns your dynamic? Why do the opinions of so many random strangers have such an impact?

OK, here's a different question.... if the opinions of posters here didn't matter to me, then why on earth would I be wasting my time here? That, to me, is arrogance beyond measure. It says pretty clearly, "Hey, I'm here to pontificate to you all on the right way to do things, but I have no real interest in you or your thoughts. Now, once I've decided that the people on collarme are real people that I am choosing to interact with on a real basis, then it becomes a question of what, exactly will get my ire up rather than whether somethign will or not.

I know it's very domly to say "I don't give a flying fuck what the rest of the world thinks", but I don't see that as domly. I see it as rude and hypocrtical and more than likely and childish.

Please take the time to read the original again, Jeff. (I hope Carol is doing well, btw.) Not that I doubt your comprehension skills, but I think some folks are losing the point.

I'm honestly not asking about the exchange of information and ideas. That part I get. What confuses Me on the issue is why it appears at times that those who chose to have the authority in any particular dynamic, can't simply have the courage of their convictions. I don't see it very often in committed dynamics. It's enough for a Dominant to say that is the decision that they have made and it works in their situation.

For example, we've discussed at various times on a number of threads that we have different styles. Yet, while having exchanges on the differences, we don't seem to have an issue with saying that it's very interesting to notice those differences, even though it wouldn't work in the other's situation. This I see as clearly not the situation that I'm asking about. That would be more a case of, while having those discussions on those differences, hypothetically, you would no longer be confident in what you and Carol have that works because Lady Pact said it doesn't work that way for her. See what I mean?

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 34

RE: For The Dominants, Why Do You Care? - 11/22/2009 12:01:56 PM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline

i have loved following this thread. LadyPact, i'm not a "D" type which is why i haven't responded....but i think this was an excellent subject.

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Post #: 35

RE: For The Dominants, Why Do You Care? - 11/22/2009 12:43:54 PM

DrkJourney

Posts: 1917
Joined: 5/6/2007
Status: offline

Honestly I don't care what people think as a mass. I pretty much run this railroad and plan on keeping it that way.

I don't have a close mind, however, I read threads, get ideas, I even comment, but like some others have said I pretty much comment and move on and rarely do I revisit. Sometimes if its something funny I'll banter back and forth but that's about it.

Another reason I don't post "I need advice" questions, when someone has an honest question, everyone is so burned out from the people that jump on here wanting attention by whining about stuff, that a lot of times I swear is made up, you usually just get the flamers, which of course is useless, so why even bother. There is a few that come here and can't seem to go to the toilet without it being run by committee, and more often than not the posters catch them in a lie and they disappear.

When I have an issue I usually just go to people that I respect and ask their opinion, and I really try not to bug them. I ask, comment a little, and move on, this is something that I rarely do, and come to think of it I don't think I've ever asked about anything having to do with my relationship, it's usually about something pertaining to my life, such as my husbands deployment, and even then it's more of a whine and not really asking anything...LOL. I pretty much like to figure things out on my own.

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Post #: 36

RE: For The Dominants, Why Do You Care? - 11/22/2009 12:51:14 PM

lobodomslavery

Posts: 2477
Joined: 1/17/2008
Status: offline

Im not a Domme but I think that as long as your not breaking any civil or legal code and you believe in your heart that you are right then nobody has the right to judge you
Kevin

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Post #: 37

RE: For The Dominants, Why Do You Care? - 11/22/2009 1:11:17 PM

SomethingCatchy

Posts: 796
Joined: 7/29/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
So, My question in turn to other Dominants is, why do you care about such things when it comes to your own world? What does it matter to you if someone has a different opinion than you when it concerns your dynamic? Why do the opinions of so many random strangers have such an impact?

OK, here's a different question.... if the opinions of posters here didn't matter to me, then why on earth would I be wasting my time here? That, to me, is arrogance beyond measure. It says pretty clearly, "Hey, I'm here to pontificate to you all on the right way to do things, but I have no real interest in you or your thoughts. Now, once I've decided that the people on collarme are real people that I am choosing to interact with on a real basis, then it becomes a question of what, exactly will get my ire up rather than whether something will or not.

I know it's very domly to say "I don't give a flying fuck what the rest of the world thinks", but I don't see that as domly. I see it as rude and hypocritical and more than likely and childish.

I was going to say the same thing, but you said it better, in a more tactful way. I don't have any grace when it comes to hypocrisy.

_____________________________

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Post #: 38

RE: For The Dominants, Why Do You Care? - 11/22/2009 1:13:12 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I tend to wonder when it comes to those that don't if they wouldn't really prefer an equality based arrangement.

We don't feel this is always true. What about the people who are new and are simply trying to FIND their dynamic? We know that We tried many, many different styles and ideas before settling on what We currently have.

But, your comment does bring up another topic (perhaps better for another thread?). It's about the difference between a relationship built on agreement and a relationship built on obedience. Hmm... yes, rather than derail this one, We'll go start another. First time in a long time We've started a thread!

Master Fire

_____________________________

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(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 39

RE: For The Dominants, Why Do You Care? - 11/22/2009 1:17:24 PM

Acer49

Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

This is a question that keeps coming to Me over and over from reading the boards here. It could be that I'm missing something, and I'm hoping My fellow D folks can help Me out.

See, I have a little confusion on this matter because I tend to believe that I think differently than many people out there. As I assess My situation, I understand that I am the person in authority in a power dynamic. I happen to think it's a rather successful one. Not perfect by any means, but it's working for Me and it's working for My boy. To Me, logically, that means that in the past two and a half years since the beginnings of this dynamic formed, since the final authority rested with Me regarding decisions, minimally, I must have at least gotten some of it right. If I hadn't, I doubt that this dynamic would have formed and continued to exist.

This doesn't mean that I've never had a question about it or solicited advice. I absolutely have in those times that I thought I could gain more information or hear different perspectives. Once obtained, I use it to help Me base decisions that I had the original question on. Then, if no new information is presented to Me, I make My final decision, and move along. Until such time as things change, that is how things will be done. In other words, that's it. The committee is over.

Often, I have written things on these boards that have not been popular opinion. When I've been in the minority, I've simply shrugged My shoulders and said that's how things work around here for whatever it is and those who disagree with My opinion aren't involved in this dynamic, so it makes the point moot. That goes from everything to rituals, to writing style, to any other thing. It ain't broke, so your (general) opinion on it doesn't matter a lot to Me. I see this as being rational.

So, My question in turn to other Dominants is, why do you care about such things when it comes to your own world? What does it matter to you if someone has a different opinion than you when it concerns your dynamic? Why do the opinions of so many random strangers have such an impact?

It is rare that that I ask questions with regards to my own personal situation. It does not hurt to have a fresh, uninvolved individual's opinion from time to time. I am not concerned with someones approval or disapproval as I do not believe it is their place to make such remarks, which is different then voicing an opinion on a certain situation

< Message edited by Acer49 -- 11/22/2009 1:18:18 PM >

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(in reply to LadyPact)

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