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RE: Need advice on how to help little kids handle death. - 11/7/2009 3:15:01 AM

barelynangel

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I agree with those who say simply be honest. I wouldn't go into detail of what has to be done but simply explain to the children that the pet was very ill and it has died. IF you believe in heaven or after life or whatnot, whatever your faith follows, explain that to them. Explain that its okay to be sad, that your sad and will miss the pet. Let them ask questions and answer them the best you can -- if you don't know SAY you don't know, don't make something up.

I would ask the vet what his experience is with people bringing little kids into watch. I am sure he has had experience with this and perhaps ask what he recommends for a 5 and 6 year old and why. Make sure you know what is going to happen so you can explan it to the kids BEFORE hand so they aren't freaked out by anything (i.e., see above about losing control of its bowels).

Also, i would recommend doing something fun afterwards, something the kids enjoy and sorta say its in the memory of your cat and repeat that a couple times throughout the day reemembering fun stuff or funny memories of the cat. Have the kids talk about the cat in this setting also, so when you get home it won't be a sudden remembering the cat is gone.

Good luck. I am sorry for your lose.

angel

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RE: Need advice on how to help little kids handle death. - 11/7/2009 4:31:25 AM

sirsholly

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This is a wonderful book that can help in the future...

http://covers.allbookstores.net/c/1235346661/book/full/9780312382414

As to the children going to the vets office...ask yourself how you would handle it if it was a human life as opposed to an animal. Would you let them into an ICU unit when Grandma was removed from a ventilator? I seriously doubt you would. To a child, a life is a life, be it human or animal. Use caution, as the memories will stay with them throughout their lives.

Sympathies for the loss. I do not envy you.

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RE: Need advice on how to help little kids handle death. - 11/7/2009 4:57:21 AM

BrokenSaint

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Ugh that sucks, losing a pet always does. I'd say don't sugarcoat it with a lie ever (though you haven't, just talking in general for things like this). Which also seems to be the sentiments of more people than I would usually expect. Kids are resilent.

Whether to let them be there or not I'm iffy on. Part of me wants to say if they're not, and the pet is beloved, they're going to regret not having every last moment they can for the rest of their lives. I would. However it can be traumatizing. Family members should be there at the very least, without them there, the last thing the cat experiences might be pain, confusion, and fear. But they want to go. So perhaps they should.

While relatives are a bit different than a pet, when my great grandmother died, there were attempts to keep me out of the room as she was dying, and she was calling for me. However I was tiny, flailing, and feisty, great grandma was calling, and balls were at fist level, so I got in the room, and was there when she died. Rather than a memory that causes pain, I'm glad I was there. I also attempted to convince everyone she was not in fact dead yet, because she was still warm, and "everyone knows dead stuff is cold!".

I suppose it comes down to how you think they will handle it really. If they're mature, no real reason not to. If they know it's going to be unpleasant, and want to do it anyways, seems to me that would be mature enough. You should be proud of them for wanting to go though, regardless of the decision.

< Message edited by BrokenSaint -- 11/7/2009 4:58:11 AM >

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RE: Need advice on how to help little kids handle death. - 11/7/2009 6:53:19 AM

wandersalone

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BrokenSaint

While relatives are a bit different than a pet, when my great grandmother died, there were attempts to keep me out of the room as she was dying, and she was calling for me. However I was tiny, flailing, and feisty, great grandma was calling, and balls were at fist level, so I got in the room, and was there when she died. Rather than a memory that causes pain, I'm glad I was there. I also attempted to convince everyone she was not in fact dead yet, because she was still warm, and "everyone knows dead stuff is cold!".

smiles... what a beautiful story Broken Saint and I am sure it would have made everyone smile in the midst of their sadness. I still remember waiting for the cars to arrive to take my family to my brother's funeral and his daughter who was 8 giving a whoop of joy and yelling 'wow we are going to the cemetery in a caddy' ...... her dad would have been proud of her as he loved cars.

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RE: Need advice on how to help little kids handle death. - 11/7/2009 7:43:51 AM

DesFIP

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I would let them say good bye at home. If you live in a house with a yard, you should either bury the cat or get the ashes back and bury that in the yard with a flowering shrub over it. That way every time you get a rose or peony to bloom, there will be a tangible reminder of the loss and the love.

The rainbow bridge is also a helpful way to think about it. And honestly, if my pets aren't going to heaven, then I'm not going either.
http://www.petloss.com/poems/maingrp/rainbowb.htm

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RE: Need advice on how to help little kids handle death. - 11/7/2009 7:56:40 AM

pahunkboy

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Gosh, I myself dont know if I would watch it.

I agree with the others. Not to lie- and to mind the details.

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RE: Need advice on how to help little kids handle death. - 11/7/2009 8:16:00 AM

Toppingfrmbottom

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I don't know I have no experince with kids, but aniamsl can shit themself or convulse so I 'd let them say good by to the kitty then send them out.

I wanted to hold my dog in my arms when he was beingput to sleep but the dr warned he may shit himself, but not in sch crude terms and I chose not to and I was glad, maybe let them see the kitty after it's dead not while its dying, good luck.

quote:

ORIGINAL: gehennasfury

My wife and I received bad news tonight. Our cat has liver cancer which is untreatable. We chose to do the right thing and euthanize her to end her suffering. We have a 6 year old son and a 5 year old daughter. Both kids expressed to us that they want to go say goodbye to their beloved pet. Should we allow them to stay in the room as the catis put to sleep, or should we have the kids wait outside? They know she will get a needle poke, her pain will stop, and that she'll go to sleep. We don't think they fully understand what death truly is.

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RE: Need advice on how to help little kids handle death. - 11/7/2009 8:50:31 AM

LadyPact

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I would not suggest taking the um's to the vet with you. I had never experienced this personally until just prior to our move across country a few months ago. In our case, it was a dog, rather than a cat, but I don't think that has much bearing.

Long story short we were driving across the country for our move. Even if our pet would have survived the trip at all, it would have been excruciatingly painful for her. She had hip as well as other medical problems that would have made the 3,000 mile journey nothing but an act of cruelty and she would have suffered greatly.

When we did this, while I expected it to be an emotional situation, I didn't know how profound it would be until I was actually there Myself. It was not an easy experience for either My husband or Myself.

I would suggest that you allow your children to have the last memory of your pet being alive saying good-bye. It is enough to be truthful about the situation, rather for them to have to endure the actual event.

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RE: Need advice on how to help little kids handle death. - 11/7/2009 9:22:55 AM

CalifChick

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For anyone having to go this route, you can always wrap the bottom half of your pet in a towel or their favorite blanket to avoid some of the mess that goes along with it. I had to make the hard choice when my dog was no longer able to stand up, and I brought her in wrapped in her favorite towel and kept her in it, just exposing enough of her for the vet to give her the injection. He warned me about what might happen, and I just held her on the table and cuddled her there, in her towel.

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RE: Need advice on how to help little kids handle death. - 11/7/2009 4:31:37 PM

windchymes

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Well, I'm reading this thread for the first time at what is probably after the fact....and I'm so very sorry for your loss. I've been through it a number of times, and I still cry occasionally for all those who are waiting for me at that bridge....

But my two cents about how to handle it with the little ones: I don't think five and six are too young to understand the concept of dying, keeping the explanation brief and simple, along with reassurances that their own deaths as well as yours are way way off in the future. I don't even have a problem with "went to heaven" or something like for kids that young....many or most adults still believe people go to heaven (or elsewhere, but that's another thread...) and I think that's an easier concept to deal with for kids that young to accept rather than just, "dead, gone, buried", but that's a personal choice. But no, the phrase "putting to sleep" is best left for when they are old enough to know the real difference.

I think what I would do....well, would have done.... is take them in to say good-bye to the kitty and then take them home to cry, and you cry with them. I wouldn't even have them wait outside the door. This is a great time to show them that it's okay, as well as therapeutic, to cry when someone dies as a healthy way to express their grief. The funeral and burial is also a good idea, kept simple and short.

I don't think we give younger kids near enough credit when it comes to dealing with issues such as death, sickness and the elderly in nursing homes. They don't need to understand completely, they will take what information they can understand and process it in their own way, and then they'll accept it and move on. They'll understand completely later on. If the adults make a big deal about it, then the kids surely will, too.

The most important lesson they can learn from this is that when someone/thing we love dies, it's okay to feel sad, it's okay to cry when you're sad, you won't always be sad, and things that do die still live on in your heart forever.

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RE: Need advice on how to help little kids handle death. - 11/7/2009 5:05:48 PM

pahunkboy

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Nice post Wind.

Very nicely thought out. :-)

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RE: Need advice on how to help little kids handle death. - 11/7/2009 5:37:04 PM

JohnSteed1967

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Ok, this really depends on how religious you are, I personally would find children stories about caterpillars turning into butterflies, I know that there are several out there. Don't know the names.

I would read her the story and then explain that death is a change from what we are to what we will become, that death isn't anything that is the end but rather a beginning and, and that kitty is now changing into something beautiful that we can no longer see.

If you have a personal faith this would be the time to share some bible stories maybe the Easter story. Could be a great witnessing opportunity if done right.

Or if your an atheist and you are just heartless you can tell her that the cat ran away.

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RE: Need advice on how to help little kids handle death. - 11/7/2009 5:49:07 PM

sincityprincess

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I also forgot to say, I am so sorry for your family's loss. Losing a pet is never easy for anyone, kids or grown ups.

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RE: Need advice on how to help little kids handle death. - 11/7/2009 7:32:14 PM

windchymes

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quote:

ORIGINAL: pahunkboy

Nice post Wind.

Very nicely thought out. :-)

Thanks :)

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RE: Need advice on how to help little kids handle death. - 11/7/2009 8:57:33 PM

gehennasfury

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Well, I'm not heartless nor an atheist. I'm a pagan. The kids asked to stay for the whole prcedure, the vet talked to them on their own level and explained everything to them. The kids handled it as fine as could be expected. Our son kept petting the cat, telling he'd never forget her and that it was OK to let go. As far as burial of the remains go, living in a trailer park has the distinct shitty disadvantage of not beingable to bury a beloved pet. We opted instead to have her cremated with her ashes returned. Our daughter picked out the return urn for the kittys ashes. I read the kids the poem of the Rainbow Bridge, and told them that Jinxie is there. There playing with other lost pets, healthy and strong with nothing to harm her. I want to thank each and everyone who responded to this. My wife and I are very appreciative of everyones advice and thoughts in our time of grief.

Thank you.

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RE: Need advice on how to help little kids handle death. - 11/8/2009 2:20:02 AM

GYPSYMAMBO

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OP:
DON"T LET THEM SEE...
it enough...to know the cat is ill and has died..
AFTER there can be a celebration of the cats life..such as drawings..a ritual like taking ashes somewhere...or mayeb painting a rock with the cats name or a picture collage...and discussion of spirit and "energy" as still there...

A good book I used with kids at school was FREDDY THE LEAF...
where a leaf is scared to let go and fall but is persuaded that life goes on

GM

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RE: Need advice on how to help little kids handle death. - 11/8/2009 4:10:48 PM

windchymes

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quote:

ORIGINAL: gehennasfury

Well, I'm not heartless nor an atheist. I'm a pagan. The kids asked to stay for the whole prcedure, the vet talked to them on their own level and explained everything to them. The kids handled it as fine as could be expected. Our son kept petting the cat, telling he'd never forget her and that it was OK to let go. As far as burial of the remains go, living in a trailer park has the distinct shitty disadvantage of not beingable to bury a beloved pet. We opted instead to have her cremated with her ashes returned. Our daughter picked out the return urn for the kittys ashes. I read the kids the poem of the Rainbow Bridge, and told them that Jinxie is there. There playing with other lost pets, healthy and strong with nothing to harm her. I want to thank each and everyone who responded to this. My wife and I are very appreciative of everyones advice and thoughts in our time of grief.

Thank you.

I think you handled it perfectly.

(The image of your son petting her and saying he'll never forget her.....how precious....and I just went through a whole handful of Kleenex, lol)

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RE: Need advice on how to help little kids handle death. - 11/8/2009 4:56:57 PM

pahunkboy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

quote:

ORIGINAL: gehennasfury

Well, I'm not heartless nor an atheist. I'm a pagan. The kids asked to stay for the whole prcedure, the vet talked to them on their own level and explained everything to them. The kids handled it as fine as could be expected. Our son kept petting the cat, telling he'd never forget her and that it was OK to let go. As far as burial of the remains go, living in a trailer park has the distinct shitty disadvantage of not beingable to bury a beloved pet. We opted instead to have her cremated with her ashes returned. Our daughter picked out the return urn for the kittys ashes. I read the kids the poem of the Rainbow Bridge, and told them that Jinxie is there. There playing with other lost pets, healthy and strong with nothing to harm her. I want to thank each and everyone who responded to this. My wife and I are very appreciative of everyones advice and thoughts in our time of grief.

Thank you.

I think you handled it perfectly.

(The image of your son petting her and saying he'll never forget her.....how precious....and I just went through a whole handful of Kleenex, lol)

I agree. If the kids had asked- then I would have let them be there. Per haps in time you can get another cat. Not this very minute- but maybe one day.

I am not usually a cat lover but I inherited Jims cat and she is my baby now. I never thought a cat could be this cool. When the time is right- I hope you will be the fine home of some loving cat- (no rush)

Hugs to your family. On the whole cat things after all these years- NOW - "I get it".

:-)

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RE: Need advice on how to help little kids handle death. - 11/8/2009 5:08:42 PM

sophia37

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Always difficult. You've made me think of my own losses.

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RE: Need advice on how to help little kids handle death. - 11/9/2009 6:33:58 AM

VirginPotty

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OP, don't lie to them. Let them say good-bye to their furbaby and don't let them in the room while it's happening. They'll be afraid to get shots for a long time!
Don't even take them to the vet, just let them say good-bye at home. Then when they're preoccupied, take the cat and when you come back tell them that their friend went to Heaven (or whatever your belief is).

**Eta, never mind, I see that I'm late......as usual. Sounds like you did a good job**

< Message edited by VirginPotty -- 11/9/2009 6:34:49 AM >

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