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Need advice on how to help little kids handle death. - 11/6/2009 10:07:21 PM

gehennasfury

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My wife and I received bad news tonight. Our cat has liver cancer which is untreatable. We chose to do the right thing and euthanize her to end her suffering. We have a 6 year old son and a 5 year old daughter. Both kids expressed to us that they want to go say goodbye to their beloved pet. Should we allow them to stay in the room as the catis put to sleep, or should we have the kids wait outside? They know she will get a needle poke, her pain will stop, and that she'll go to sleep. We don't think they fully understand what death truly is.

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RE: Need advice on how to help little kids handle death. - 11/6/2009 10:19:37 PM

HimNbabygirl

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we had a death in the family when my son was 3. It was his favorite aunt. then a few years ago a grandmother. As for a pet, luckily the only one we had was a turtle and it was on easter morning so i lied about that one and told him the easter bunny needed help and the turtle went with him. As for the family members, i found several books at our local library. i personally would not let them in the room while they are putting the cat to sleep, they might have nightmares about going to sleep and never waking up (my son had this one after both deaths and still doesn't like to go to sleep because of it, he's 9) i would talk with them about you personal beliefs, heaven, reincanation, ect. and explain the cat is vey sick and only going to get sicker so you are stopping the cats pain. (which you said you did). Good luck, and i'm so sorry about your cat.

TN Master's girl

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RE: Need advice on how to help little kids handle death. - 11/6/2009 10:24:22 PM

gehennasfury

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We haven't put her to sleep yet. She is at the vets clinic and we will be there first thing when they open at 8am. We still have 6 and 1/2 hours to go. We explained to them that Jinxie is very sick and is hurting. We explained she could have a quick painless escape from her pain, or she could suffer. Both kids said they didn't want her to suffer. They were both upset over hearing what we had to do. I just can't bring myself to help them express their grief since I am having a hard enough time dealing with it myself. The kids want to be with her to the end, I just don't know how to tell them they can't.

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RE: Need advice on how to help little kids handle death. - 11/6/2009 10:31:45 PM

HimNbabygirl

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i hate to say it, as i don't like to when i can avoid it, but lie to them, tell them the kitty Dr. will let them come in to say good bye but that they have to wait outside after that. i would also, depending on your local codes, have a funeral and burial for kitty in the back yard, or wherever. A lot of times that is a good way for kids, or anyone to say good bye.

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RE: Need advice on how to help little kids handle death. - 11/6/2009 10:35:07 PM

gehennasfury

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I may have to lie to them, although I really really don't want to have to do that. I'm constantly telling them not to lie, and I don't want to be seen as a double standard. We're going to have Jinxie cremated and brought back home. We can't bury her due to ordinances, but she will be buried with my wife when that time comes. My wife thought about a small memorial for the cat, having the kids remember the good and fun times with her. Maybe that would be the best option.

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RE: Need advice on how to help little kids handle death. - 11/6/2009 10:39:45 PM

peppermint

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My grandfather passed away when I was 6. I will say that I really did not understand what death was until years later. I saw my grandfather in the casket, I just did not understand.

I wouldn't let the children be present. I don't even think they should be outside the door at the vet's. From my past experience I really do not believe they will fully understand yet, and they could be upset. I would certainly not tell children that their pet was put to sleep and will never wake up. I shudder to think of how scary that might be for a young child. When my grandfather passed I was more upset and confused because of the adults being upset than any understanding that my grandfather would no longer be there to play with me.

There is a place online for pets called the Rainbow Bridge. They have a little story about what happens to pets when they are no longer with us. It's a short story but probably one you should read to your children. That is about as much as they will understand at their very young ages.

Here is the web site. http://www.petloss.com/

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RE: Need advice on how to help little kids handle death. - 11/6/2009 10:42:07 PM

HimNbabygirl

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i understand about the double standard, but sometimes a little white lie is better for the soul, and mind, than the reality of the truth. Ultimately, it is up to you as you know your children better than anyone else. Ask yourself if they can handle seeing the cat die. Animals, just like humans, lose their bowels, urine and stomach contents when they die, so that is another factor to keep in mind. I think the memorial is a wonderful idea, also going through pictures you may have with them and the cat will help them remember the good times, as well as remembered stories such as "Do you remember when Jinxie (insert funny story here)".

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RE: Need advice on how to help little kids handle death. - 11/6/2009 10:42:50 PM

gehennasfury

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Thank you peppermint. I have been to that website and filled out a memorial for Jinxie to try and help myself deal with it. I know that poem you spoke of, I even have it on my facebook profile so my family and vanilla friends know what's going on. I haven't read that poem to them but I will in the morning. Again, thank you peppermint, you too babygirl.

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RE: Need advice on how to help little kids handle death. - 11/6/2009 10:44:26 PM

HimNbabygirl

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you're very welcome, and good luck.

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RE: Need advice on how to help little kids handle death. - 11/6/2009 11:37:53 PM

MargueriteV

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Don't lie to them, and let them say good bye to a living pet.

I had a puppy with heart worms named Shadow when I was four. I had her for like a month maybe less and my mom took her to the vet without me. I am still upset that I couldn't be with her when she died.

I may have been a mean child or some thing but I threw Shadow's death in my mom's face, she explained after the fact what happened, and I knew she was telling the truth, but she made my dog die without me being able to say good bye. So after that screaming 'You killed my dog.' or something in that range became very popular.

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RE: Need advice on how to help little kids handle death. - 11/6/2009 11:40:45 PM

sincityprincess

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quote:

ORIGINAL: gehennasfury

I may have to lie to them, although I really really don't want to have to do that. I'm constantly telling them not to lie, and I don't want to be seen as a double standard. We're going to have Jinxie cremated and brought back home. We can't bury her due to ordinances, but she will be buried with my wife when that time comes. My wife thought about a small memorial for the cat, having the kids remember the good and fun times with her. Maybe that would be the best option.

I hope you choose not to lie to your kids. Losing a pet for the first time is often a child's first experience with death and one that they will remember when they are older. How their parents handle explaining it to them can leave a strong impression on them.

As parents, we always want to shelter and protect our kids from anything that causes them sadness or hurt. But we also have a responsibility to educate them about the uncomfortable topics they encounter...and this is only the beginning of a lifelong series of disappointments and finding out that sometimes in this world, really awful things happen. If a child cannot depend on their parents to provide them honest answers to the mysteries of the world as seen through a 5 year old's eyes, and a sense of security even in the midst of a devastating loss, then how can they believe that they aren't going to get attacked by the boogey man and end up like Jinxie?

However, only you can decide if they are old enough to be in the room when it happens. They really may not be but if not then you should explain to them they won't be able to stay after a certain point but that they can say their good-byes before that. You might even let them bring Jinxie a favorite plushy toy or blankie so they can know he won't be scared or alone when he dies. Then they could feel like they were still "with him" even if they weren't in the room.

Whatever your spiritual or religious beliefs are, this is a great time to encourage them. I explained to my kids how life is like a jar of water, with the jar being one's body and the water being their spirit. If you leave the jar open and all the water evaporates or the jar breaks and the water spills out...it hasn't gone away, it has merely turned into something else and is all around us all the time.

< Message edited by sincityprincess -- 11/6/2009 11:49:04 PM >

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RE: Need advice on how to help little kids handle death. - 11/6/2009 11:50:58 PM

Termyn8or

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"I may have to lie to them"

Don't do that. You can't expect them to understand fully right now but.

Cats and dogs do not live as long as people. Why is that ? Because whover made the world made it that way.

Try that approach. At least it's the truth. It might take a bit of doing to get it over, but you are out of it with a clear conscience. If you ever wonder why kids lie, perhaps it is because they have been lied to. Things are schmoozed over because nobody wants to address the issue.

This was probably their first pet, that can complicate things. If necessary set up a sort of rememberance party. It, at least in a psychological sense would have the effect of a funeral. That is if your mercy overcomes and decides to indulge them in something like that, some people will not. Whether or not you do, if you have pictures you should have something to hang on the wall in remembrence. This serves as a constant reminder that the past is the past.

The whole idea is not to forget, but to move on. Taking this appoach might have the positive side effect of them possibly cherishing their own life more. To understand that it is finite.

And really, don't try to substitute. That would be the worst thing to do IMO. In fact in my carefully considerd opinion, subsitution just puts a layer of sand over an issue. That can cause problems. BIG problems.

That is my opinion. That is all it is. Call me wrong, call me crazy, but that's still my opinion.

T

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RE: Need advice on how to help little kids handle death. - 11/7/2009 12:09:22 AM

GreedyTop

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MargueriteV

Don't lie to them, and let them say good bye to a living pet.

I had a puppy with heart worms named Shadow when I was four. I had her for like a month maybe less and my mom took her to the vet without me. I am still upset that I couldn't be with her when she died.

I may have been a mean child or some thing but I threw Shadow's death in my mom's face, she explained after the fact what happened, and I knew she was telling the truth, but she made my dog die without me being able to say good bye. So after that screaming 'You killed my dog.' or something in that range became very popular.

This.

I'm dealing with an ill kitty, myself. While I don't have kids, I do recall being VERY VERY ANGRY at my Mom for not letting me know about a pets death (by euthanasia) when I was about 7. There is a part of me, 40 yrs later, that is STILL angry about that.

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RE: Need advice on how to help little kids handle death. - 11/7/2009 12:16:34 AM

MargueriteV

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Also if you are sad be sad because if they don't see an emotion it can come back to.

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RE: Need advice on how to help little kids handle death. - 11/7/2009 12:28:18 AM

maybemaybenot

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"Don't blame the veterinarian. As a result your children may develop fear of veterinarians and other health care givers. "

"Encourage children's involvement in the pet's euthanasia. Let them be present during the procedure if they so choose. The reality of a peaceful death is far less traumatic to children than their terrible fantasy of it. Encourage children to see their pet after death, which reinforces the reality and removes the mystery and fear of death. "

http://www.griefhealing.com/article18.htm

Hope that helps. I work in the hospice field and when families ask about children wanting to be present as loved one passes, our advice is: if the child wants to be there, let them.

mbmbn

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RE: Need advice on how to help little kids handle death. - 11/7/2009 12:34:45 AM

dreamofthemoon

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Hi, sincityprincess,

quote:

ORIGINAL: sincityprincess
...I explained to my kids how life is like a jar of water, with the jar being one's body and the water being their spirit. If you leave the jar open and all the water evaporates or the jar breaks and the water spills out...it hasn't gone away, it has merely turned into something else and is all around us all the time.

i love that analogy. Thank you for sharing.

To the OP, i agree with sincityprincess.

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RE: Need advice on how to help little kids handle death. - 11/7/2009 1:09:48 AM

Arpig

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When my father-in-Law died we just explained it to my daughter straight up. No "gone to heaven" euphamisms, just that he died, and that he is no longer in this world and that nobody actually knows what happens when you die, nobody has ever come back. Years later when my old (23 years old) cat was put to sleep, I explained it to my youngest the same way...just the facts with no whitewashing. Kids have a great ability to understand shit and really don't need to be shielded from reality. Sure they will cry, but so what...I cried when my cat was put down, and everybody cried when my F-i-L died (He was a great guy!). People/pets die, and those left behind cry...that's just the way things are and to try hide it from your kids does them a disservice...allow them to heal by grieving, that's what the whole grieving process is about...getting over a loss.

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RE: Need advice on how to help little kids handle death. - 11/7/2009 1:17:34 AM

DarkSteven

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While I agree with everyone about letting the kids know, etc., I'd be very leery of having them present when the euthanasia is administered. (Perhaps stay with themand tell them that the vet gets to say goodbye to the cat first.) Else good luck getting them to take shots for the next fifteen years...

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RE: Need advice on how to help little kids handle death. - 11/7/2009 2:05:09 AM

wandersalone

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I'm in agreement with most of the others, please don't lie or tell a half truth. Let your kids guide you as to how much detail you provide. Let them ask questions and you answer honestly.

I would let them say goodbye and cuddle Jinxie but not be there when she is euthanased only because my sister in law and I were with my dog when he had to be put down and besides the two of us almost drowning the vet with our tears it was sad to see my dog lose control of his bowels when he died. this was many years ago but I still remember that.

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RE: Need advice on how to help little kids handle death. - 11/7/2009 2:21:28 AM

NihilusZero

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

When my father-in-Law died we just explained it to my daughter straight up. No "gone to heaven" euphamisms, just that he died, and that he is no longer in this world and that nobody actually knows what happens when you die, nobody has ever come back. Years later when my old (23 years old) cat was put to sleep, I explained it to my youngest the same way...just the facts with no whitewashing. Kids have a great ability to understand shit and really don't need to be shielded from reality. Sure they will cry, but so what...I cried when my cat was put down, and everybody cried when my F-i-L died (He was a great guy!). People/pets die, and those left behind cry...that's just the way things are and to try hide it from your kids does them a disservice...allow them to heal by grieving, that's what the whole grieving process is about...getting over a loss.

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