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need some advice, constructive comments - 10/14/2009 9:20:12 PM   
legion07


Posts: 3
Joined: 12/13/2007
Status: offline 		I haven't really posted much here, been mostly a silent observer. I feel I've come to a point that I need some assistance in some feelings I've had of late.
I've been looking to fill the space in my life where a significant other would reside, and in the past, I've always sought to fill it with a submissive (as I have been a Dom for a few years). Lately it seems though, I feel like I've grown out of the label. I feel as I might be more content with someone who would be compatible, but still consider my kink related needs. I'd go so far to say I may just be a kinkster at this point, as I no longer feel the connection I once had with the dominant role. Has anyone experienced this before, or am I the only one? Is this a 'crisis of faith' for lack of a better word? Perhaps I've been out of things so long, that part of me has changed?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: need some advice, constructive comments - 10/14/2009 9:44:44 PM   
Elipsis


Posts: 301
Joined: 7/8/2009
Status: offline 		It's possible that you've changed but there's nothing wrong with that.

Take some time and figure out what you're looking for... if you're not sure than make sure you tell any prospective partner that you're not sure.  Most importantly though,  you need to know for yourself what will make you happy.  Figure out what that is and go for it...

(in reply to legion07)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: need some advice, constructive comments - 10/15/2009 2:00:49 AM   
aldompdx


Posts: 538
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline 		Love arises in the only place it is felt, one's very own heart. Love is amplified by sharing it.

You basically express a deepening awareness that you need to share love and the intimacy of an open heart. While this can coexist with a polarized dynamic of control/surrender, it does not result therefrom.

First find a resonant partner who can share love and intimacy.

(in reply to Elipsis)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: need some advice, constructive comments - 10/15/2009 3:34:37 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		I wouldn't call it a "crisis of faith", unless you feel the same/want the same thing, and have lost hope that it can happen. If you're feeling different, wanting something different, then it's simple growth and evolution.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to aldompdx)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: need some advice, constructive comments - 10/15/2009 4:41:33 AM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline
quote:

I feel like I've grown out of the label.


welcome to the boards, Legion.

It seems to me you answered your own question. Labels are never a perfect fit and are really not a good idea. You are who you are and it is what it is. Stop labeling yourself and start enjoying the dynamic that is uniquely yours.


_____________________________

PICKED UPON
TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
VAA/S FAN

GIVES GOOD HEART (Lushy)

CREATOR OF MAYHEM (practice)


(in reply to legion07)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: need some advice, constructive comments - 10/15/2009 6:49:12 AM   
fragilepieces


Posts: 416
Joined: 7/6/2008
Status: offline 		I've been in the lifestyle a number of years and I've opted out many times. I no longer consider myself A submissive----I am a person with a submissive personality---and I am feeling your 'kinkster' attitude. The lifestyle is no longer my lifestyle it's merely a small part of it....I need someone who has more in common with me than just the kink end of it.

(in reply to legion07)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: need some advice, constructive comments - 10/15/2009 7:02:29 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I echo the welcome.

For me, it's been more of a.......if it isn't happening in my life, I am not craving it.......sort of thing. Although in a different way. I find that I am always a dominant personality, it winds it's way through all of my interactions with people. It is the kink and sex that I don't crave if there isn't a person there to trip that trigger. I don't worry about it. "Getting it on", isn't the most important thing in my life.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to legion07)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: need some advice, constructive comments - 10/15/2009 7:50:28 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		You can only be what makes you happy and then find someone who resonates in response to that.  Like LaTigresse, it isn't the kink I crave...though I enjoy it, I enjoy the control aspect of a D/s situation much more so...the mental/emotional stimulation provided by dominant/submissive interactions is what flips my trigger and tends to lead to the want of the sex and the kink.  That's not to say that I can't see a certain woman or interact with certain women for a few moments and feel that want/need to have sex with and do kinky things to them.  But when my mind compares those occasions to those occasions where the interaction makes me want to not just have sex with and do kinky things to her but also to dominate and control her, then those "I wanna fuck/beat her only" pale in comparison.  But that's me.

I doubt that you are losing your dominance...what seems to be happening is an evolution within your psyche and of your wants/needs/desires in a relationship from one that is D/s based to one that contains elements of D/s but not as pervasive as an "active"...for want of a better term...D/s dynamic.

(in reply to legion07)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: need some advice, constructive comments - 10/15/2009 8:06:06 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		Unless your personal sense of self worth is, for some unknowable reason, tied up with being a dominant, then this seems to me to be a good thing, not a crisis. Why not just be who you are? Why not just let your dominance be on attribute among many of a very complex personality.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to legion07)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: need some advice, constructive comments - 10/15/2009 8:36:23 AM   
Viridana


Posts: 754
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: legion07

I haven't really posted much here, been mostly a silent observer. I feel I've come to a point that I need some assistance in some feelings I've had of late.
I've been looking to fill the space in my life where a significant other would reside, and in the past, I've always sought to fill it with a submissive (as I have been a Dom for a few years). Lately it seems though, I feel like I've grown out of the label. I feel as I might be more content with someone who would be compatible, but still consider my kink related needs. I'd go so far to say I may just be a kinkster at this point, as I no longer feel the connection I once had with the dominant role. Has anyone experienced this before, or am I the only one? Is this a 'crisis of faith' for lack of a better word? Perhaps I've been out of things so long, that part of me has changed?


Why is there the need to put the word "just" there? Is being a kinkster less than something else?
Just embrace what and who you are.

(in reply to legion07)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: need some advice, constructive comments - 10/15/2009 10:13:56 AM   
fragilepieces


Posts: 416
Joined: 7/6/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Viridana



quote:

Why is there the need to put the word "just" there? Is being a kinkster less than something else?
Alot of times a kinkster is seen as something less if you are NOT identifying as a submissive, a Dom, a top, bottom, switch, sadist, or masochist you are usually labeled as a wanker and in it 'just' for the sex....it's not right but it happens...it boils down to the labels

(in reply to Viridana)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: need some advice, constructive comments - 10/15/2009 10:21:13 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: legion07

I haven't really posted much here, been mostly a silent observer. I feel I've come to a point that I need some assistance in some feelings I've had of late.
I've been looking to fill the space in my life where a significant other would reside, and in the past, I've always sought to fill it with a submissive (as I have been a Dom for a few years). Lately it seems though, I feel like I've grown out of the label. I feel as I might be more content with someone who would be compatible, but still consider my kink related needs. I'd go so far to say I may just be a kinkster at this point, as I no longer feel the connection I once had with the dominant role. Has anyone experienced this before, or am I the only one? Is this a 'crisis of faith' for lack of a better word? Perhaps I've been out of things so long, that part of me has changed?


there is absolutly nothing wrong with change. Change is a good thing; it makes way for growth and maturity, no matter your age. Accepting change though, can be a bit harder to do. Accepting that you are growing, becoming more; is sometimes laced with a fear of the unknown.

You are changing; growing, becoming more. You feel that; now, you have to learn how to accept it, learn from it, and apply it to your future. Don't let fear of the unknown convince you that changing means losing a part of yourself.


_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


(in reply to legion07)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: need some advice, constructive comments - 10/17/2009 6:08:23 AM   
xssve


Posts: 3589
Joined: 10/10/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fragilepieces


quote:

ORIGINAL: Viridana



quote:

Why is there the need to put the word "just" there? Is being a kinkster less than something else?
Alot of times a kinkster is seen as something less if you are NOT identifying as a submissive, a Dom, a top, bottom, switch, sadist, or masochist you are usually labeled as a wanker and in it 'just' for the sex....it's not right but it happens...it boils down to the labels
Tell me about it.

In some ways, I can't get over seeing kink as less of an identity and more as a recreational activity, something like an extreme sport - though the line blurs occasionally - of course, I have a vanilla role I more or less have to maintain as a formality, so my POV is possibly more a matter of necessity - I don't have the luxury of being able to wear leather chaps all the time and keep a slave on a leash 24/7.

It's all in your head and in the end, I think what most people really need is somebody they can relate to - even if that means I may occasionally crave to keep you on a leash 24/7, it doesn't mean I can't relate to and appreciate other aspects of your personality.

Otherwise, in some respects, it's just trading one box for another - to me it means a lot if you're just able to deal with that outside-the-box side of your personality in an adult way, a lot of people can't, and I think that's the real divide between kink and Vanilla.

(in reply to fragilepieces)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: need some advice, constructive comments - 10/20/2009 8:55:05 PM   
legion07


Posts: 3
Joined: 12/13/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you all for your comments

(in reply to xssve)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: need some advice, constructive comments - 10/20/2009 9:46:57 PM   
Annabelle83


Posts: 55
Joined: 7/5/2007
From: Tulsa, Oklahoma
Status: offline 		Or it could be that you have evolved to the point where "Dominant" is no longer the title that suits you. I am big about not labeling, because it takes away from getting to know a person.

Like others have said, when you search for a partner, she/he/whoever will hopefully come to realize that being kinky is just part of your nature.

_____________________________

"It is well to give when asked, but it is better to give unasked through understanding." ~Kahlil Gibran

15 NZ Points! Yay!

(in reply to legion07)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: need some advice, constructive comments - 10/20/2009 9:52:53 PM   
Surrenderwithin


Posts: 368
Joined: 10/8/2006
Status: offline 		~shrugs~ There is a part of me that believes I may have outgrown slavery as I once knew it. People change. Time changes people.
Maggi
15NZ points

(in reply to legion07)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: need some advice, constructive comments - 10/21/2009 1:00:29 AM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		Welcome to the boards we dont bite much.  I came outta the womb barking orders.  But that is not to say my flavor of kink has changed dramatically over the years.  That is just how life works ppl morph with time and experience.

Im sure your not the same person you were 10 years ago.  Rock on with life and roll with the changes.

BadOne


_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to Surrenderwithin)
Profile   Post #: 17
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