need some advice, constructive comments

need some advice, constructive comments (Full Version)

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legion07 -> need some advice, constructive comments (10/14/2009 9:20:12 PM)
I haven't really posted much here, been mostly a silent observer. I feel I've come to a point that I need some assistance in some feelings I've had of late. I've been looking to fill the space in my life where a significant other would reside, and in the past, I've always sought to fill it with a submissive (as I have been a Dom for a few years). Lately it seems though, I feel like I've grown out of the label. I feel as I might be more content with someone who would be compatible, but still consider my kink related needs. I'd go so far to say I may just be a kinkster at this point, as I no longer feel the connection I once had with the dominant role. Has anyone experienced this before, or am I the only one? Is this a 'crisis of faith' for lack of a better word? Perhaps I've been out of things so long, that part of me has changed?

Elipsis -> RE: need some advice, constructive comments (10/14/2009 9:44:44 PM)
It's possible that you've changed but there's nothing wrong with that. Take some time and figure out what you're looking for... if you're not sure than make sure you tell any prospective partner that you're not sure. Most importantly though, you need to know for yourself what will make you happy. Figure out what that is and go for it...

aldompdx -> RE: need some advice, constructive comments (10/15/2009 2:00:49 AM)
Love arises in the only place it is felt, one's very own heart. Love is amplified by sharing it. You basically express a deepening awareness that you need to share love and the intimacy of an open heart. While this can coexist with a polarized dynamic of control/surrender, it does not result therefrom. First find a resonant partner who can share love and intimacy.

Level -> RE: need some advice, constructive comments (10/15/2009 3:34:37 AM)
I wouldn't call it a "crisis of faith", unless you feel the same/want the same thing, and have lost hope that it can happen. If you're feeling different, wanting something different, then it's simple growth and evolution.

sirsholly -> RE: need some advice, constructive comments (10/15/2009 4:41:33 AM)
quote: I feel like I've grown out of the label. welcome to the boards, Legion. It seems to me you answered your own question. Labels are never a perfect fit and are really not a good idea. You are who you are and it is what it is. Stop labeling yourself and start enjoying the dynamic that is uniquely yours.

fragilepieces -> RE: need some advice, constructive comments (10/15/2009 6:49:12 AM)
I've been in the lifestyle a number of years and I've opted out many times. I no longer consider myself A submissive----I am a person with a submissive personality---and I am feeling your 'kinkster' attitude. The lifestyle is no longer my lifestyle it's merely a small part of it....I need someone who has more in common with me than just the kink end of it.

LaTigresse -> RE: need some advice, constructive comments (10/15/2009 7:02:29 AM)
I echo the welcome. For me, it's been more of a.......if it isn't happening in my life, I am not craving it.......sort of thing. Although in a different way. I find that I am always a dominant personality, it winds it's way through all of my interactions with people. It is the kink and sex that I don't crave if there isn't a person there to trip that trigger. I don't worry about it. "Getting it on", isn't the most important thing in my life.

CreativeDominant -> RE: need some advice, constructive comments (10/15/2009 7:50:28 AM)
You can only be what makes you happy and then find someone who resonates in response to that. Like LaTigresse, it isn't the kink I crave...though I enjoy it, I enjoy the control aspect of a D/s situation much more so...the mental/emotional stimulation provided by dominant/submissive interactions is what flips my trigger and tends to lead to the want of the sex and the kink. That's not to say that I can't see a certain woman or interact with certain women for a few moments and feel that want/need to have sex with and do kinky things to them. But when my mind compares those occasions to those occasions where the interaction makes me want to not just have sex with and do kinky things to her but also to dominate and control her, then those "I wanna fuck/beat her only" pale in comparison. But that's me. I doubt that you are losing your dominance...what seems to be happening is an evolution within your psyche and of your wants/needs/desires in a relationship from one that is D/s based to one that contains elements of D/s but not as pervasive as an "active"...for want of a better term...D/s dynamic.

leadership527 -> RE: need some advice, constructive comments (10/15/2009 8:06:06 AM)
Unless your personal sense of self worth is, for some unknowable reason, tied up with being a dominant, then this seems to me to be a good thing, not a crisis. Why not just be who you are? Why not just let your dominance be on attribute among many of a very complex personality.

Viridana -> RE: need some advice, constructive comments (10/15/2009 8:36:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: legion07 I haven't really posted much here, been mostly a silent observer. I feel I've come to a point that I need some assistance in some feelings I've had of late. I've been looking to fill the space in my life where a significant other would reside, and in the past, I've always sought to fill it with a submissive (as I have been a Dom for a few years). Lately it seems though, I feel like I've grown out of the label. I feel as I might be more content with someone who would be compatible, but still consider my kink related needs. I'd go so far to say I may just be a kinkster at this point, as I no longer feel the connection I once had with the dominant role. Has anyone experienced this before, or am I the only one? Is this a 'crisis of faith' for lack of a better word? Perhaps I've been out of things so long, that part of me has changed? Why is there the need to put the word "just" there? Is being a kinkster less than something else? Just embrace what and who you are.

fragilepieces -> RE: need some advice, constructive comments (10/15/2009 10:13:56 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Viridana quote: Why is there the need to put the word "just" there? Is being a kinkster less than something else? Alot of times a kinkster is seen as something less if you are NOT identifying as a submissive, a Dom, a top, bottom, switch, sadist, or masochist you are usually labeled as a wanker and in it 'just' for the sex....it's not right but it happens...it boils down to the labels

IrishMist -> RE: need some advice, constructive comments (10/15/2009 10:21:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: legion07 I haven't really posted much here, been mostly a silent observer. I feel I've come to a point that I need some assistance in some feelings I've had of late. I've been looking to fill the space in my life where a significant other would reside, and in the past, I've always sought to fill it with a submissive (as I have been a Dom for a few years). Lately it seems though, I feel like I've grown out of the label. I feel as I might be more content with someone who would be compatible, but still consider my kink related needs. I'd go so far to say I may just be a kinkster at this point, as I no longer feel the connection I once had with the dominant role. Has anyone experienced this before, or am I the only one? Is this a 'crisis of faith' for lack of a better word? Perhaps I've been out of things so long, that part of me has changed? there is absolutly nothing wrong with change. Change is a good thing; it makes way for growth and maturity, no matter your age. Accepting change though, can be a bit harder to do. Accepting that you are growing, becoming more; is sometimes laced with a fear of the unknown. You are changing; growing, becoming more. You feel that; now, you have to learn how to accept it, learn from it, and apply it to your future. Don't let fear of the unknown convince you that changing means losing a part of yourself.

xssve -> RE: need some advice, constructive comments (10/17/2009 6:08:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: fragilepieces quote: ORIGINAL: Viridana quote: Why is there the need to put the word "just" there? Is being a kinkster less than something else? Alot of times a kinkster is seen as something less if you are NOT identifying as a submissive, a Dom, a top, bottom, switch, sadist, or masochist you are usually labeled as a wanker and in it 'just' for the sex....it's not right but it happens...it boils down to the labels Tell me about it. In some ways, I can't get over seeing kink as less of an identity and more as a recreational activity, something like an extreme sport - though the line blurs occasionally - of course, I have a vanilla role I more or less have to maintain as a formality, so my POV is possibly more a matter of necessity - I don't have the luxury of being able to wear leather chaps all the time and keep a slave on a leash 24/7. It's all in your head and in the end, I think what most people really need is somebody they can relate to - even if that means I may occasionally crave to keep you on a leash 24/7, it doesn't mean I can't relate to and appreciate other aspects of your personality. Otherwise, in some respects, it's just trading one box for another - to me it means a lot if you're just able to deal with that outside-the-box side of your personality in an adult way, a lot of people can't, and I think that's the real divide between kink and Vanilla.

legion07 -> RE: need some advice, constructive comments (10/20/2009 8:55:05 PM)
Thank you all for your comments[:)]

Annabelle83 -> RE: need some advice, constructive comments (10/20/2009 9:46:57 PM)
Or it could be that you have evolved to the point where "Dominant" is no longer the title that suits you. I am big about not labeling, because it takes away from getting to know a person. Like others have said, when you search for a partner, she/he/whoever will hopefully come to realize that being kinky is just part of your nature.

Surrenderwithin -> RE: need some advice, constructive comments (10/20/2009 9:52:53 PM)
~shrugs~ There is a part of me that believes I may have outgrown slavery as I once knew it. People change. Time changes people. Maggi 15NZ points

SailingBum -> RE: need some advice, constructive comments (10/21/2009 1:00:29 AM)
Welcome to the boards we dont bite much. I came outta the womb barking orders. But that is not to say my flavor of kink has changed dramatically over the years. That is just how life works ppl morph with time and experience. Im sure your not the same person you were 10 years ago. Rock on with life and roll with the changes. BadOne

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