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The perfect relationship? - 9/29/2009 5:04:36 PM   
DommeArtist


Posts: 11
Joined: 11/11/2007
Status: offline 		I've been frustrated with BDSM relationships for a little while now and I take breaks from persuing them from time to time. Maybe not so much "breaks" as I persue other avenues of getting my needs met. About 4 months ago I got a new roommate. A very handsome, fit, young, blue collar gentleman, covered in tattoos (like myself) who in exchange for a much reduced rent would take care of the ins and outs of running my home. In short, he cleans my house does my laundry and some light errands. He and I very quickly established a family type bond between us and became very interdependant . We have recently become physically involved (vanilla) although we are non exclusive, and he has taken upon himself to prepare me for my dates with other men. He has no background whatsoever with bdsm, relational service, or poly and although he knows about me , he laughs it all off as part of my eccentricities. Im actually a little confused by our interactions.  It is kind of everything that Ive ever said that I have wanted (a vanilla man to submit to me in lifestyle out of a genuine desire for me rather than a need to negotiate their submission) but Im off the map right now as far as having a reference point for this. Any advice would be much apreciated 
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RE: The perfect relationship? - 9/29/2009 5:08:44 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Ask him?

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Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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RE: The perfect relationship? - 9/29/2009 5:11:23 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Sounds like he has some interest in this but is turned off by the buzzwords. Slave, master, cuckold, beat, whip - lots of words that scare off people without any knowledge in wiitwd.

Ask him about what he gets out of it, ask him what his perfect relationship would be, what his fantasies are of.

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Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: The perfect relationship? - 9/29/2009 5:13:31 PM   
DommeArtist


Posts: 11
Joined: 11/11/2007
Status: offline 		agreed...We have discussed our "needs" desires and comfort levels but we are both off the map respectively. Feedback is hard when there are no reference points

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RE: The perfect relationship? - 9/29/2009 5:17:59 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline
Have you considered simply not trying to find a place for it on your map and just enjoying it for what it is?  I am not a big person for labels and I think sometimes people overlook good relationships because the tag on the box doesn't say the right thing.  Do you have to define it in lifestyle terms?  Do you have to formalize your dynamic?  Would you be happy just having whatever it is you have regardless of what you call it?  It seems like the circle things he is doing with you is ever increasing and if you continue to build slowly, he may well become accepting of each and every thing you want.  The only thing that may hang him up is affixing a label to it all that leaves him ill at ease.  Just how much is the label worth to you?
 
lovingpet

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RE: The perfect relationship? - 9/29/2009 5:19:33 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		*laughs* In a rare event of cosmic convergence, Carol and I both agree on this one.

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. You are lucky as sin (says Carol). Why do you need a map? Sounds like things are going along quite nicely. Just don't go attaching scary labels to everything.

All that being said, the irony of your situation made me laugh. You have the perfect relationship, all except for the fact that your perfect partner doesn't believe in it.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: The perfect relationship? - 9/29/2009 5:45:23 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		Sounds to me that you are both happy with what you have - why do you need a reference point? Keep on keeping on until he balks. Then back off.

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RE: The perfect relationship? - 9/29/2009 5:48:12 PM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline 		Actually, this is kind of a perfect example of what I was asking about in the other thread, about specific words and symbols...

My take on it is, if you're happy, and both of your needs are being met, then don't worry so much about what you're calling what you do or what the interaction is between you... just nurture the parts of it that work and let it just be what it is. If you are happy, let your joy guide you.

Dame Calla

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***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

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RE: The perfect relationship? - 9/29/2009 6:15:25 PM   
DommeArtist


Posts: 11
Joined: 11/11/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you guys for all of your wonderful insights and comments. I guess Im just frightened about outside people that we date or have friendships with. We live in a world where we are not "out". I've always lead an honesty first, public acceptance be damned policy in my life and this is the first time Ive had to pull back and wait for time apropriate situations to clue people in...and Im not sure how "out there" he is going to be with outsiders at all

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RE: The perfect relationship? - 9/29/2009 6:34:51 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		I don't know how clued in other people need to be to the inner workings of your relationship.  Honestly, I just see it as a private matter in the first place.  How much a person wants to reveal about those more intimate aspects is something that needs discussion and agreement.  There are many threads here about balancing privacy matters within couples.  It is a fairly common struggle.  Will you still be happy even if the whole world doesn't know all the sordid details?  Can honesty and privacy coexist in your sphere of the world?  Things to think about.

lovingpet

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RE: The perfect relationship? - 9/29/2009 6:41:41 PM   
DommeArtist


Posts: 11
Joined: 11/11/2007
Status: offline 		I think it would be hurtful if he chose a public girl friend and kept me private.

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RE: The perfect relationship? - 9/29/2009 6:45:51 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		I understand not wanting to be anyone's dirty little secret.  Maybe he would be more apt to make you his public girlfriend and even his exclusive girlfriend if he knew that he did not have to deal with the perceived stigma of being identified as your submissive or slave.  It is likely it has more to do with wanting to maintain his own definition of dignity than it really does with being embarrassed of you.  It sounds like it is time for a very serious talk, but one that just might bring you both to a whole new level in your relationship. 

lovingpet

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RE: The perfect relationship? - 9/29/2009 7:11:09 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		You did say he's younger than you. So he may well not be thinking of you as soul mate material.

Is that important to you? Do you need this to be a long term relationship?

Because if so, and it won't be, then your roommate situation will likely become uncomfortable. Only you can decide where you need your relationship to be headed, and only he can decide where he needs to go. Ask about it, does he want to be exclusive with you, if so are you willing to be exclusive with him.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: The perfect relationship? - 9/29/2009 7:58:02 PM   
DommeArtist


Posts: 11
Joined: 11/11/2007
Status: offline 		all the men I involve myself are younger. I never saw that as interfering. My roommate is 6 years my jr, on the whole, one of the least pronounced age differences Ive dealt with in a while. Although perhaps Im kidding myself on that topic. Maybe rest of the world isnt quite as on board with my cougarness as Id like. Reference him not being my slave....no worries, I hate terminology and have never called any of my real slaves, slaves

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RE: The perfect relationship? - 9/29/2009 8:03:42 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		You may be fine with a younger partner, the question is if he is. Does he view you as someone suitable for a life partner or just as something for now. You don't sound as if you know what he's thinking.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: The perfect relationship? - 9/29/2009 9:43:00 PM   
DommeArtist


Posts: 11
Joined: 11/11/2007
Status: offline 		I think "life partners" might be getting away from where my head is a bit....Im kinda more concerned with life in the next 1-3 months. I prefer to deal with the future when it gets here

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RE: The perfect relationship? - 9/30/2009 6:56:36 AM   
bliss4us09


Posts: 106
Joined: 3/31/2009
Status: offline 		I think you'd have to ask yourself what more you really require. If there's nothing that you can't do without, I'd recommend that you just ride this wave and see where it takes you.

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RE: The perfect relationship? - 9/30/2009 7:02:55 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Only he knows what he wants and needs and only you know what you want and need. Unless you tell one another, there will be an awful lot of assumptions being made. If you've got to know where it's heading.......I suggest more communication.

If you don't care much about tomorrow, next month, next year, whatever.......just enjoy the ride and let it go where it goes.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: The perfect relationship? - 9/30/2009 7:21:55 AM   
Lucienne


Posts: 1175
Joined: 9/5/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DommeArtist

all the men I involve myself are younger. I never saw that as interfering. My roommate is 6 years my jr, on the whole, one of the least pronounced age differences Ive dealt with in a while. Although perhaps Im kidding myself on that topic. Maybe rest of the world isnt quite as on board with my cougarness as Id like. Reference him not being my slave....no worries, I hate terminology and have never called any of my real slaves, slaves


I'm just posting in support of cougarness.

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RE: The perfect relationship? - 9/30/2009 7:36:25 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DommeArtist

I think "life partners" might be getting away from where my head is a bit....Im kinda more concerned with life in the next 1-3 months. I prefer to deal with the future when it gets here
This to me is your most telling statement...if all you are concerned with right now is life in the next 1-3 months and NOT with "life partners" or the future, sit down and have a talk about where things are at now and make sure that there are no little hurts becoming big ones and then go on.  How long this concern with "just the next 1-3 months" can go on is up to you nad him.  At a certain point...humans being what they are...I have a feeling that one or the other of you is going to want to know what lies beyond the next 1-3 months but it does not sound as if you are there yet.

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