RE: The perfect relationship?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: The perfect relationship?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: The perfect relationship?

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: The perfect relationship? - 9/30/2009 8:58:08 AM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DommeArtist

Im actually a little confused by our interactions. It is kind of everything that Ive ever said that I have wanted (a vanilla man to submit to me in lifestyle out of a genuine desire for me rather than a need to negotiate their submission) but Im off the map right now as far as having a reference point for this. Any advice would be much apreciated

from what you've described it appears your have a living arrangement that has benefited you both in ways you're happy with. i don't view this as a relationship, even though it has been consummated physically. if that is the direction you're hoping to take you'll need to have an honest dialogue with him after you figure out what you're honestly seeking. be truthful and consider whether things would have progressed in this fashion if he wasn't residing with you. sometimes opportunities are exploited because they're right in front of our face.

whether it is feasible to plan something that appears to be growing organically on its own is a question. he's young and what he's willing to accept in a cohabitation/sexual dynamic may be vastly different when he's intimately involved and wishes to connect emotionally. communication is key along with a big dose of common sense. finally you must ask yourself if you can accept if things will never go beyond this point, particularly if his desires don't permit such. good luck.

porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to DommeArtist)

Profile

Post #: 21

RE: The perfect relationship? - 9/30/2009 5:07:03 PM

DommeArtist

Posts: 11
Joined: 11/11/2007
Status: offline

Thank you all for your wonderful comments. I have definately gotten some good insight and grounding from this post. As much as I keep pulling away from the community, its nice to know that there is actually a sounding board available when I fall into something not quite vanilla. Very much apreciated as always

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

Profile

Post #: 22

RE: The perfect relationship? - 9/30/2009 5:09:16 PM

DommeArtist

Posts: 11
Joined: 11/11/2007
Status: offline

The emotional conection came first. As I mentioned....we have been acting as family since pretty much day one, the physical component was the last to evolve

(in reply to porcelaine)

Profile

Post #: 23

RE: The perfect relationship? - 9/30/2009 5:52:52 PM

LookieNoNookie

Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline

I decided to answer your header, as opposed to your post.

(She):

Domme.
Big tits.
Looks like Dolly Parton (talks like Anne Frank).
Knows the difference between to, too and two, their, there and they're and....between do....and due (it ain't as easy to find this person as one might think).
Cooks exceptionally well. (Cleans even better).
Irks her to have a messy house (which of course, at that exact moment...I suddenly have several appointments...."Why, yes honey....some of my best clients prefer Christmas day to discuss business"....brb).
Large glass filled with ice, always at the ready...thinks salads are for sissies.
Interested in every one of my kinks....to the point that when I come home unexpectedly, she's already dressed up as a Viking warrior (not of course, that I'm into that) checking off one more item on my 87 page list of kinks (including each of the 3 pages specifically devoted to imported fruit and 80 lb gloss coated copy paper), knowing full well that once we get to the tail end of page 87.....we don't throw away the list....we just start all over again on page 1.
Mother (hers) comes over every year that ends in "Arugula".
Remembers everyone's birthday and gives me a card to sign at the appropriate time (so I look like I actually give a shit).
Asks me to leave the seat down and often says things like "DAMN I absolutely love the way you leave your socks over by the fridge....that is sooooooo sexy!!!" (which, by the way....if you haven't tried it....I gotta tell you....you're missing something).
Doesn't give a shit about politics.
Loves building a future.

(Dat be my wish list :) )

Ain't all that much to ask :)

< Message edited by LookieNoNookie -- 9/30/2009 6:21:32 PM >

(in reply to DommeArtist)

Profile

Post #: 24

RE: The perfect relationship? - 9/30/2009 7:38:52 PM

Amaros

Posts: 1363
Joined: 7/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DommeArtist

Thank you guys for all of your wonderful insights and comments. I guess Im just frightened about outside people that we date or have friendships with. We live in a world where we are not "out". I've always lead an honesty first, public acceptance be damned policy in my life and this is the first time Ive had to pull back and wait for time apropriate situations to clue people in...and Im not sure how "out there" he is going to be with outsiders at all

What are you waiting for? To make it explicit? It sounds like he's doing this all on his own, so just go with it, be yourself and enjoy the ride.

If you fear losing him if you don't "hold back" or whatever it is you're doing, then you'll have to sit down with him and sort it out, or compromise your principles until you can do so.

Not necessarily a bad thing, some things take time.

(in reply to DommeArtist)

Profile

Post #: 25

RE: The perfect relationship? - 9/30/2009 8:52:53 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DommeArtist
agreed...We have discussed our "needs" desires and comfort levels but we are both off the map respectively. Feedback is hard when there are no reference points

Create your own reference points.
If you're happy and fulfilled, you guys are ahead of most of the people in the Universal Ballgame! :>
Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to DommeArtist)

Profile

Post #: 26

RE: The perfect relationship? - 10/14/2009 11:57:15 PM

insertclevername

Posts: 21
Joined: 8/26/2007
Status: offline

Honestly, you sound a little all over the map here. You want to be non-exclusive, but you are afraid he'll get a girlfriend. You kinda sorta want a sub/domme relationship, and you don't want to define what you have, but you are anxious because it's not defined. You want to think of him as family, but don't want to think how this will play out beyond 1-3 months. It probably seems tentative because it is. My guess is you don't want to sit down and talk this stuff through with him because, in reality, you like stuff tentative and undefined, because you feel free that way. But every so often you realize that freedom has drawbacks (like everything does) and the drawback to freedom is that your connection to each other will only go so far and is probably shallower than you like to admit.

(in reply to DommeArtist)

Profile

Post #: 27

RE: The perfect relationship? - 10/15/2009 6:57:38 AM

YoursMistress

Posts: 894
Joined: 12/17/2008
Status: offline

Miss DA,

Just a thought, but he may be fearful of his desires and content to hide in the safety of the environment that you two have created. I am speaking strictly from my own experience of having settled into a living arrangement that prevented me from pursuing an exclusive relationship. It was only through therapy and programs that I realized how I was avoiding my own needs and desires for the comfort and safety of behavioural limits that were developed not by communication but by our actions and reactions.

The danger of not probing and communicating is that someone is liable to, and maybe likely to push past a limit without knowing it shatters the trust between you. It's a lot to expect of yourself to think that you can "manage " the relationship without involving him. I agree with talking seriously to him. If and when your 1 to 3 months comes up, I suspect that you will be sadly disappointed to reach the end with regrets for not being more proactive. Good luck to you. I trust you will make a good choice for you.

yours

_____________________________

May your service of love a beautiful thing; want nothing else, fear nothing else and let love be free to become what love truly is. -- Hadewijch of Antwerp

As a rule, I don't like to make general statements.

(in reply to DommeArtist)

Profile

Post #: 28

RE: The perfect relationship? - 10/15/2009 7:12:16 AM

VampiresLair

Posts: 1307
Joined: 9/3/2008
Status: offline

The only part of everything you have said that sounds to me like it needs clearing up would be the part about how you would be hurt if he had a public GF and kept you secret. Easy solution, tell him thats not an option. You are OK being poly, dating others as well as his being able to do so. However, you need to let him know that you wont be a secret and that if he decides that he has a public and announced GF other than you, then things between you stop.

The rest of it, hell just enjoy it. Often, putting a label on something confines it. Just let it go, enjoy it and make sure he knows how you could be hurt and you are good.

DV

_____________________________

Separately we are DiurnalVampire and DVsFox

10/18 Wedding date. 1 year and still blissfully happy

10/13/10 3 year anniversary of his becoming my Fox

Talk impolitely to me, baby - Thanks sunshinemiss

(in reply to YoursMistress)

Profile

Post #: 29

RE: The perfect relationship? - 10/24/2009 8:45:43 AM

AndySTL

Posts: 12
Joined: 8/28/2009
Status: offline

My advice is take it slow...no need for titles or labeling the relationship before it is something that it is not. Sounds to me like you have something good developing. If you rush it, you might scare him off if he is new to the idea of D's. Talk about it from time to time with him in a casual manner about it. If you see he starts to feel uncomfortable talking about it, change the subject and bring it up later on when the time is right. Good luck!

(in reply to DommeArtist)

Profile

Post #: 30

RE: The perfect relationship? - 10/24/2009 11:00:14 AM

Acer49

Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DommeArtist

I've been frustrated with BDSM relationships for a little while now and I take breaks from persuing them from time to time. Maybe not so much "breaks" as I persue other avenues of getting my needs met. About 4 months ago I got a new roommate. A very handsome, fit, young, blue collar gentleman, covered in tattoos (like myself) who in exchange for a much reduced rent would take care of the ins and outs of running my home. In short, he cleans my house does my laundry and some light errands. He and I very quickly established a family type bond between us and became very interdependant . We have recently become physically involved (vanilla) although we are non exclusive, and he has taken upon himself to prepare me for my dates with other men. He has no background whatsoever with bdsm, relational service, or poly and although he knows about me , he laughs it all off as part of my eccentricities. Im actually a little confused by our interactions. It is kind of everything that Ive ever said that I have wanted (a vanilla man to submit to me in lifestyle out of a genuine desire for me rather than a need to negotiate their submission) but Im off the map right now as far as having a reference point for this. Any advice would be much apreciated

Simply talk to him

_____________________________

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
Harvey Fierstein

(in reply to DommeArtist)

Profile

Post #: 31

RE: The perfect relationship? - 10/28/2009 4:44:47 AM

sub2pleaseyou88

Posts: 7
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline

Well, just keep doing what you're doing and keep seducing him into further submission... Seems like he is enjoying this arrangement and as long as you're satisfying his sexual needs he shouldn't look anywhere... then you can put him in chastity with time to be sure you have his complete attention. But here again... just be for the moment and slowly grow and don't worry about being there....

(in reply to Acer49)

Profile

Post #: 32

RE: The perfect relationship? - 10/28/2009 4:36:29 PM

littlewonder