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Orgasm Possible? - 9/26/2009 10:56:21 PM   
Kalista07


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i was going to try and ease into this, but then i figured that's not how i am in any other area of my life so why pretend like i am here.......
A wee bit of background: within the family i grew up in there was a significant amount of abuse of all kinds that i endured.  The most relevant for this post is the fact that i was sexually abused (raped) nearly daily until i left my parents home at 19. i've gotten a *significant* amount of therapy over this, and have come a very very long way in dealing with these issues. Here is my concern: i have never been able to have an orgasm. Not through sex, not through stimulation, not through toys, not through fingers, not through anything including an act of god.....
Frequently people recommend masturbation...And don't get me wrong i've tried that, and while that's fun it is unable to get the job done.  Or perhaps more specifically, i'm unable to allow it to happen. Here's the issue, when i'm engaging in clitoral stimulation it feels.....well....*yummy*.....and then something happens and i have to make it stop... Because if it doesn't then i'm unable to come back from a place that i don't even know how to describe or access really... The other problem is as much as He is great and wonderful and awesome and i love what He does to me...Vaginally just doesn't get it for me...And for irrelevant reasons anal is currently not an option.
My question {i bet you thought i had forgotten what i was doing huh?} is any recommendation? Anyone else been through this? Is this hopeless?
i've done therapy after therapy after therapy...... The frustrating thing is there is not sex therapist local to me.......
i'm open to suggestions...
Kali

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RE: Orgasm Possible? - 9/26/2009 11:01:31 PM   
NormalOutside


Posts: 622
Joined: 1/8/2008
Status: offline 		I think you're awesome for starting this thread. Too many would just say "fuck it" or "I know it all already". It's so nice to see you asking for help, advice, info.

As for vaginally not doing it for you, fine. If you're trying to get off, don't go that route. It doesn't work for roughly half or more of all females, from what I've read and seen.

Sounds to me like clit stimulation is your best bet. Aside from that, I don't know. I'm sure you've tried oral, digital, vibrators of all types, oils, lube with cooling or warming action, porn, and pretty much anything anyone could suggest. It does sound like a mental block of some kind (which would fit with the abuse history).

All the best of luck Kalista!


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RE: Orgasm Possible? - 9/26/2009 11:12:01 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		My mother couldn't orgasm until she was in her late forties. Many don't vaginally anyway... but my mom had a hooded clit. Don't ask me... I don't know... I never saw it. We talked openly and I had been trying to help her for many years. It took a great guy who knew of this and them getting together the first time. Her doctor's had never mentioned anything wrong... so she was very thankful for her Joe! lol

Have you checked out some support sites for survivor's? Maybe this is related to that and other's have gone through it.

I hope you can figure it all out!

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RE: Orgasm Possible? - 9/26/2009 11:37:24 PM   
Sunnyfey


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From: OK
Status: offline 		Have you tried having someone..allow you to orgasm?

I know that sounds silly, but I've been having trouble getting off since I became sexually active. One it took a damn strong and intelligent man to figure it out. It took me a lot of tears and actually becoming sexually comfortable with myself. And then it took him, giving me permission to not only orgasm but to be "selfish" and ALLOW myself to enjoy sex, as opposed to just doing it to make him happy.

Did I tell you I love NZ?


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RE: Orgasm Possible? - 9/26/2009 11:40:44 PM   
NormalOutside


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Status: offline 		Good suggestion Sunnyfey. I've given that advice to girls in the past, who weren't able to cum. In fact, I actually gave a couple of them permission, myself, since they didn't have anyone else to do it for them. And it worked for one of them, at least mostly. Yay :)

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RE: Orgasm Possible? - 9/26/2009 11:57:45 PM   
suhlut


Posts: 622
Joined: 7/20/2007
Status: offline 		i also used to be sexually un orgasmic... for well...at least the first three years of being sexually active.

i honestly seriously thought an orgasm was something people were "making up"

Sex, up to that point, had only merely felt mildly pleasurable. i also suffered through being raped but wasn't like what happened to you.. and i seriously doubt that it was the reason for my being unorgasmic.

Giving birth though..seemed to be an event that flipped a switch..

During the actual birth itself, when the labor pain switched to "pushing contractions" all pain ceased for me.. and...well.. it became much more pleasurable.

i don't think i had an orgasm, per say, while giving birth... but.. it was something really close.

Sometime after that (a few months later) i happened to be on top... and got tired of all the up ^ and down motion.. and switched to a more horizontal slide.. <~~~ ~~~~>
And it felt good.. so i of cource kept at it.. and then it felt better... and then even better.. and the next thing i know i am smack dab in the middle of the wildest experience of my life..
i cant explain it.. it was for sure an orgasm... but.. i also felt like i was actually floating up and out of my body..and i begged him to hold me tight.. it scared me... when i felt that even his hands werent going to keep me in my body... and so.. i eventually stopped..damnit.. cause i never had one like that ever again.

And so... after trying ... for..ooh 6 or so months... with no results...to recreate my outta body orgasm experience..i got mad..frustrated...and determined.

i set aside a day for myself... when i knew i d be alone..with no interuptions... and began touching..and then masturbating... determined that i was NOT going to stop.. till something happened.


Doing that.. that first time.. i also got to that certain strange point..where you feel like you absolutely MUST stop. Well... i didn't stop.. i kept going.. pushing past that point..and a few moments later..experienced my first orgasm by masturbation..

Now.. i also am a woman with a clit in a hood... and well... i don't even TRY monkeying around with my clit... its very sensative..and just cant deal with the attention. What i touch and masturbate.. to orgasm.. INSTEAD..is my inner lips.. one side or another. (i have to pick one.. within a few mins of starting....and no switching around to the other lip)

Rubbing my inner lips to Orgasm.. isnt a fast process.. i normally take at least 15 mins (yeah... i've timed myself multiple times...) before i am over the edge.


One thing though.. Kalista.. its a sad fact...that we drag along baggage with us.. after having suffered abuse/rape. For me... well.. i am a mom..who is EXTREMELY controlling... to keep my kids "safe".. sometimes i even keep them safe from their own selves (teen hormones..lol)

and for you...well perhaps its that your not permitting yourself to achieve orgasm.

and... well.. i've... over the years.. have learned something interesting.

that it was a HUGE mistake... to continue allowing the jackass that did what he did... to control my life..and my mind so strongly. i am setting myself free ..at last. i keep telling myself... that im just not gonna let that monster control the outcome of my entire life... all the way right down to how i parent my children.

Try to come to that point for yourself sweetheart... where you decide not to let what your monster did... to control the fact that you cant enjoy sex to its full potential.



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RE: Orgasm Possible? - 9/27/2009 12:05:27 AM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline 		Normal.....
Thanks, you can have no idea how much your support and encouragement has helped me. i will admit that i did post this thread with more that a bit of trepidation. And in the end, decided screw it i wasn't willing to suffer in silence any more. i agree it more than likely is a mental block... i highly doubt it could be something physical.

Lock it....
i keep checking various website and various resources about orgasms related to rape and long term abuse survivors, however have not yet had any luck.....

Sunny.....
That's a great idea....Sadly, it's not worked.. In talking to a friend tonight, i can not figure out where the problem is... There is just some kind of mental issue or mental block or some kind of bramuda traingle of horrible things that happens when that gets close....

Again i just wanted to thank you all for your help and your support.

Kali


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RE: Orgasm Possible? - 9/27/2009 12:06:19 AM   
Acer49


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07


i was going to try and ease into this, but then i figured that's not how i am in any other area of my life so why pretend like i am here.......
A wee bit of background: within the family i grew up in there was a significant amount of abuse of all kinds that i endured.  The most relevant for this post is the fact that i was sexually abused (raped) nearly daily until i left my parents home at 19. i've gotten a *significant* amount of therapy over this, and have come a very very long way in dealing with these issues. Here is my concern: i have never been able to have an orgasm. Not through sex, not through stimulation, not through toys, not through fingers, not through anything including an act of god.....
Frequently people recommend masturbation...And don't get me wrong i've tried that, and while that's fun it is unable to get the job done.  Or perhaps more specifically, i'm unable to allow it to happen. Here's the issue, when i'm engaging in clitoral stimulation it feels.....well....*yummy*.....and then something happens and i have to make it stop... Because if it doesn't then i'm unable to come back from a place that i don't even know how to describe or access really... The other problem is as much as He is great and wonderful and awesome and i love what He does to me...Vaginally just doesn't get it for me...And for irrelevant reasons anal is currently not an option.
My question {i bet you thought i had forgotten what i was doing huh?} is any recommendation? Anyone else been through this? Is this hopeless?
i've done therapy after therapy after therapy...... The frustrating thing is there is not sex therapist local to me.......
i'm open to suggestions...
Kali


Well if I am understanding you correctly basically you mind needs to get from point a to point b and in between those to points is a dark room with the possibility of the big bad bogyman underneath the bed, /you have to somehow be able to allow light into this room and look under the bed and see that there is indeed no boggy man lurking. The only thing that I see is some sort of hypnosis that is able to safely guide through it

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RE: Orgasm Possible? - 9/27/2009 12:20:22 AM   
wandersalone


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07
.....and then something happens and i have to make it stop... Because if it doesn't then i'm unable to come back from a place that i don't even know how to describe or access really...


Kali this is the part that caught my eye..... when you talk about this place you go to is this similar to some sort of disassociation or something different?


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RE: Orgasm Possible? - 9/27/2009 12:22:23 AM   
LadySweetOrSour


Posts: 1415
Joined: 3/21/2009
Status: offline 		Kalista, I was not sexually abused, or suffered any other kind of abuse, but have never had an orgasm either. I have tried multiple methods, including therapy, and have never achieved orgasm yet and I am 48 years old.

I thoroughly enjoy sex, but come to a point where I have simply had enough stimulation and want to go to sleep!! I used to feel I was missing out on some big secret that everyone else was in on, but now I just enjoy sex for what it is, without the punchline so to speak. Most of my pleasure is from digital stimulation, rather than penis/vagina intercourse.

While not achieving orgasm can be a problem, don't make it a bigger problem that it needs to be. Putting too much pressure on yourself to get the big O will only hinder, not help.

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RE: Orgasm Possible? - 9/27/2009 12:27:46 AM   
wandersalone


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadySweetOrSour
I thoroughly enjoy sex, but come to a point where I have simply had enough stimulation and want to go to sleep!! I used to feel I was missing out on some big secret that everyone else was in on, but now I just enjoy sex for what it is, without the punchline so to speak.


Just wanted to second this comment.... it could have been written by me.  I used to feel that I wasn't doing 'it' right or that I wasn't in touch with myself or that I was less than in some way compared to every other female in the world and finally I learned to accept that sex doesn't end with a big bang for me but it doesn't make it any less enjoyable or me any less a sexual feeling feminine being.


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RE: Orgasm Possible? - 9/27/2009 1:37:50 AM   
BoundDragon


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Joined: 3/20/2007
Status: offline 		Kalista, I have not experienced any events in my past that come even close to yours so I am not going to pretend to know exactly how it feels. I can however agree that it was a brave thing to open up like that and I do admire you for that.

Have you ever tried to achieve orgasm non-vaginally?
I have discovered through many own personal experiences that I can many different types of orgasm. Some of hich I have had to learn how to achieve.

My point??
One of my favourite types of orgasm is one that is brought on by sensory overload, whispering in the ear, breath on the neck, icy cold water dripped onto my chest, hot wax on my thighs, a feather traced down my back ect ect.
It did take some time for my body to respond but when it did it began to ache for more. When it got more it went into ecstacy.

If you havent already, take the pressure off trying to achieve an orgasm one way and try another.

I really hope you do find your answers and a release.

BD x

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RE: Orgasm Possible? - 9/27/2009 1:59:34 AM   
MHAP


Posts: 58
Joined: 9/17/2009
Status: offline 		quote:

ORIGINAL: LadySweetOrSour
I thoroughly enjoy sex, but come to a point where I have simply had enough stimulation and want to go to sleep!! I used to feel I was missing out on some big secret that everyone else was in on, but now I just enjoy sex for what it is, without the punchline so to speak.


Just wanted to second this comment.... it could have been written by me. I used to feel that I wasn't doing 'it' right or that I wasn't in touch with myself or that I was less than in some way compared to every other female in the world and finally I learned to accept that sex doesn't end with a big bang for me but it doesn't make it any less enjoyable or me any less a sexual feeling feminine being.


Yikes How Depressing...Anybody can reach orgasm.... Its (for Woman) mostly an emotional, and mental thing.... Woman need to feel "safe & Comfortable" to --- Get there--- it takes alittle time..talking...listening.... and willingness..to find that womans "Buttons"...

don't give up..and Never "settle"

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RE: Orgasm Possible? - 9/27/2009 3:13:33 AM   
onlyfreelycaged


Posts: 254
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline 		I started out only being able to cum from pain. (like when I got my bell button pierced.)

but, I couldn't get an orgasm simply from pleasure.. until I felt totally safe, was nice and warm, and had no way out of it. I also didn't have any focus placed on me at all. at the moment it happened, I was just a warm body. and enjoying how good it felt. there was no pressure for me to do good.. in fact, I couldn't have moved if I'd wanted to...

that's what worked for me.. but what works for you may be totally different.

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RE: Orgasm Possible? - 9/27/2009 3:29:10 AM   
GYPSYMAMBO


Posts: 660
Joined: 9/26/2009
Status: offline 		K..

wow thankyou for all the honesty here..
ok me too

I was raped from age 9-15...details not important anymore and what occured for me is this..
When I was with a good partner... healthy.... I would get to a place
and then have to stop as well..becuz i
f I came I wanted to ISTANTLY KILL MYSELF>.
and twice I tried to right after..
NOW what I found out was this...

As I was raped( that means without consent) but  not violent etc...at some point I msut have been eroticized and have cum
and it FELT good..imagine the confusion??

..you know it is "wrong" but it feels good too..
I can remember early on at 9..going out of body and even crawling in a hole  in the light socket to look out..at me over on the bed..

so then now I am there in my body having an O and cant get ot my SAFE PLACE
total terror...
THE O keeps you from the safe place..
 
now wheather you came during abuse or not...the O still could mean LOSS OF CONTROL,,and you need to control your environmet in some way due to the chaos from before


I have some suggestions and you are welcome to write to me on the other side.
I will tell you about the healing power of TANTRA for one thing..
A lot can be done when O is NOT the goal..
and there is also healing thru G-spot stimulation( where body memory is stored) with a trusted partner to name 2 thngs..

ALL WILL BE WELL love..

GM


< Message edited by GYPSYMAMBO -- 9/27/2009 3:32:58 AM >

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RE: Orgasm Possible? - 9/27/2009 5:12:39 AM   
angelikaJ


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Status: offline 		Kali,

Both pandys.org and Aphrodite Wounded might have helpful info.

The forums there can be good places.

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RE: Orgasm Possible? - 9/27/2009 5:59:15 AM   
MAMandSlave


Posts: 110
Joined: 8/15/2008
Status: offline 		Kalista, As someone who has worked with many children and adults who have been sexually abused at different points in thier lives, it is not uncommon for there to be some dysfunction. I would actually recommend that you have a kink aware professional who works both with sexual dysfunction and ptsd issues, as this could be a remaining symptom from your abuse as a child. I am attaching a link to the kink aware professionals page that are near you.
Good luck dealing with your difficulty. You are a brave woman to confront a problem openly.
http://www.ncsfreedom.org/index.php?option=com_wrapper&Itemid=75

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RE: Orgasm Possible? - 9/27/2009 7:39:37 AM   
LPslittleclip


Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline 		my wife had some difficulties with orgasming and she found on audible.com something called hypnography for women. it allows you to self hypnotize yourself into a full orgasm. it really has helped her. many others have used it and love it as it allows them to focus on the sex and relax. this might help you to find that happy place.

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RE: Orgasm Possible? - 9/27/2009 9:55:48 AM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
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From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Due to the sensitivity of the topic, the following question is clerly not one that is intended for you to answer publicly, but to reflect upon privately: does the actual act of orgasm or the thought of the act (or what you think it would entail) have any link to your abuse? As in...if you feel/think that you had at some point involuntarily orgasmed during the abuse, you're going to be preemptively fighting it even with years of therapy (and, unless the talks geared specifically towards future sexual encounters, I'd guess the sessions were primarily geared towards emotional balance and purging from the events).

The environment and the intensity of the environment I think would both be key issues. You've mentioned trying toys. Find some more adventurous friends who've played with a greater variety of them and get some insight as to ones which will be overwhelmingly potent (Hitachi wands...heck, a Sybian if you can get a hold of one). There is a fine line between the pleasurable-ness of toys and the degree of intensity. Try focusing on ones which are even beyond the intensity you think you could handle...and not because they'll push you farther in the arousal department, but because it will saturate your sense of touch.

It's the saturation that I think may help. If you've been trying to quiet yourself at times in private of with a partner, the stillness will let your mind wander and that's when you'll have enough time subconsciously to start thinking of the connecting strings from sex to the abuse. I'd guess you've probably tried many aspect of soft, tender processes to see if it work differently from that angle. What I'm suggesting actually isn't rougher play or sex, but an environment that is completely distracting. Drown every possible sense with something distracting yet mood-oriented. Loud, loud music that you find sexy. Pungent incense lit. If you're inclined, watch any porn you think might have an arousal value to you. Find a location that is a tad uncomfortable or a surface that would add a certain physical shock (cold countertop or tile floor, scratchy carpet). If you're with a partner, specifically turn the focus around so it's not on you directly: watch him and find the parts of his sexual fulfillment energy/fulfillment that are arousing to you (emotionally and/or physically). Pick a spot...if it's the contortions his face makes, focus there. If you like a specific body part (arms, chest) focus there.

Again, this should be mixed with every other sense being overwhelmed with something distracting but not turn-off material. If you're up to it, even positions that require very specific effort and focus on your part to remain in or that are physically taxing, even if you don't think you'd last long in it.

I suppose that's enough rambling for now (normally my thoughts are a bit more outlined, still kinda waking up I suppose).


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RE: Orgasm Possible? - 9/27/2009 12:17:03 PM   
AnnePrimrose


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I bow to you GYPSYMAMBO!
*speechless*

Priscilla


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