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Getting to Know You - 9/22/2009 10:33:21 AM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline 		i've noticed a number of threads referencing issues encountered on both ends at the onset of a relationship. i use the term lightly to include the initial period of contact as well as the first few months going in. there's a host of things to learn, experience, sift through, etc. that can be overwhelming, leaving many wondering where do i start?

i would like to address a couple of things and gain feedback from those that have been through it or are currently in the midst of getting to know someone. i leave you with the following questions in the hope they will serve others in similar situations.

1. if you could do it all again, what would you change and why?
2. how do you combat fears, disappointments, and expectations?
3. considering where you were at the beginning and where you are now. what have you gained?
4. parting words... your nugget of wisdom to share with someone else.

i look forward to your response. thank you in advance.

porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Getting to Know You - 9/22/2009 11:56:02 AM   
oceanwyndsLoves


Posts: 44
Joined: 9/15/2009
Status: offline 		Hello porcelaine

I am more curious about the replies you will receive from your questions.

I have not been wirth Sir long enough to know what to change if we started over. Perhaps nothing, since he seen me as i was, instead of a mask to wear for his convenience.

Sir has his way of doing things, and i am learning them. Am i anxious, yes, but more in relationship to excitement. I know i am not perfect and will mess up, and will learn from him as time goes on.

There have been times when we were to get together and he or i had to cancel for real legit reasons, and this has been disappointing to me. How i handle this is focus  doing what he requires of me, my project i am working on, and not comparing him to ex Sir. In doing this i have discovered even a higher level of trust on my part to him, and respect his honestly. If there is doubt in me, i will state it and he will answer straight.

Sir has given me more then i knew was possible in my life. Though i try hard to not wear rose-color glasses, within me is blossoming total surrender of his Will.

Blessings
oceanwynds

(in reply to porcelaine)
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RE: Getting to Know You - 9/22/2009 11:56:08 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

1. if you could do it all again, what would you change and why?

I would change nothing.
quote:

2. how do you combat fears, disappointments, and expectations?

Fear was dealt with head on; disappointments were shrugged aside..such is life...and expectations; I had none. I expected nothing and was pleasantly surprised when I gained much.
quote:

3. considering where you were at the beginning and where you are now. what have you gained?

Control
quote:

4. parting words... your nugget of wisdom to share with someone else.

Just to have fun and enjoy yourself along the way.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


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RE: Getting to Know You - 9/22/2009 12:25:19 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: oceanwyndsLoves

Hello porcelaine

I am more curious about the replies you will receive from your questions.

I have not been wirth Sir long enough to know what to change if we started over. Perhaps nothing, since he seen me as i was, instead of a mask to wear for his convenience.


every answer has merit and i'm hoping for variety. many people are in similar situations like yours and need to see it isn't always roses. real challenges that have been surmounted can leave an impression which allows others to see they're not the only one facing hardships. thank you.

porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to oceanwyndsLoves)
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RE: Getting to Know You - 9/22/2009 12:26:54 PM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline

1. if you could do it all again, what would you change and why?

i would be less afraid and more open, because i have wasted much time with both

2. how do you combat fears, disappointments, and expectations?

i combat fears by swallowing and breathing and then i get into the scary thing and hope for the best...  expectations by trying to remain realistic and not aim to high or hope for too much and dissapointment by maybe having a good ole cry, then dust myself off and try again... i very much try not to close myself down again even though that might feel safer

3. considering where you were at the beginning and where you are now. what have you gained?

my sex life is just soooo much better and i feel much more confident and my day to day relationship with my Husband is so much more fun, i am generally way more relaxed and cheerful.

4. parting words... your nugget of wisdom to share with someone else.

be true to yourself, have fun and good sex, you most likely only live once; make the best of it


(in reply to porcelaine)
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RE: Getting to Know You - 9/22/2009 12:27:43 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

quote:

2. how do you combat fears, disappointments, and expectations?

Fear was dealt with head on; disappointments were shrugged aside..such is life...and expectations; I had none. I expected nothing and was pleasantly surprised when I gained much.


irish,

if you could expound on your words that would really be great. this topic comes up frequently and it would be nice for others to see how your mindset was helpful. thanks again.

porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to IrishMist)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Getting to Know You - 9/22/2009 12:51:56 PM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

quote:

2. how do you combat fears, disappointments, and expectations?

Fear was dealt with head on; disappointments were shrugged aside..such is life...and expectations; I had none. I expected nothing and was pleasantly surprised when I gained much.


irish,

if you could expound on your words that would really be great. this topic comes up frequently and it would be nice for others to see how your mindset was helpful. thanks again.

porcelaine


Well, I doubt very much if many would find 'help' from what my situation was.

I went into a relationship that was basically abusive; I went in with my eyes wide open, knowing exactly what it was going to be like. I had no illusions about the man that I had chosen to lead me. He was violent, he was abusive, he was harsh, and he was very controlled in everything he did. He did nothing without having a very clear picture in his own mind of what he was trying to accomplish.

He did not set out to 'break' me, to 'beat me down', or to make me feel less...as is often the case in abusive relationships. He set out to show me how to control anger, how to control violence, how to steer it in a direction that could be good, instead of bad.

My fears were not the ones that most would have had in relationships. I had no fears that centered around being able to make him happy, no fears about being able to serve him, etc, etc. My only fear was that I would go back to being how I was before I met him. ( and by this I mean, quite literally; physically violent, deadly, uncaring of who I hurt, uncaring of who might end up dead...etc ). I had finally found a way past that, through him; my fears were that I might end up back there again. It's something that I still struggle with; though now, I have a few tricks that I can use to keep myself on a more even 'line'.

Disappointments...well, disappointments I just shoved aside. They are a part of life and no matter how hard someone tries to minimize them or avoid them...it's impossible to. Life offers no guarantees against being hurt or disillusioned. Once a person accepts this, the disappointments that are a part of life become less important in the big scheme of things. So, I basically learned to just shove the disappointments aside and go on with the business of living.

As for expectations...well, that's pretty self-explanatory.
I had no expectations. I went into the relationship with none. When something unexpected happened, I was pleasantly surprised. But I never expected anything from him.

edited for spelling

< Message edited by IrishMist -- 9/22/2009 12:54:58 PM >

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Getting to Know You - 9/22/2009 12:58:45 PM   
oceanwyndsLoves


Posts: 44
Joined: 9/15/2009
Status: offline 		Thanks porcelaine

One of my biggest challenges is unlearning to respond to His emails. It was driven into me by ex, and this is a hard disciplinary challenge for me to follow through. So right now am working hard at stopping it. I am permitted 5 emails per day that is the rule, and a hard one for me to follow when he responds. So now needing to tell myself, if i used all 5 up, that is it. Anything needed to be said has to wait for the next day.

For sure this is not all roses, and raising the bar on myself to obey his orders is challenging.
Added thought, when he tells me i have to follow the rules, something in side me smiles. Though challenging, i know he is controling me, and this is an honor to me.


< Message edited by oceanwyndsLoves -- 9/22/2009 1:02:33 PM >

(in reply to IrishMist)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Getting to Know You - 9/22/2009 1:07:05 PM   
tammystarm


Posts: 3045
Joined: 7/26/2006
Status: offline 		1. if you could do it all again, what would you change and why?

i would kill Him first.
2. how do you combat fears, disappointments, and expectations?
see above
3. considering where you were at the beginning and where you are now. what have you gained?
a life sentence?
4. parting words... your nugget of wisdom to share with someone else.
buy hefty bags, not the cheapo ones.

Sorry you were being serious, and i not so much
i would listen to my heart, it has never ever steered me wrong
try and communicate those fears to Him. They seem to have a way of getting rid of those fears.
ive acutally lost about 30 pounds, and im thankful for the encouragement He has given me. i have gained a friend if not a long term partner.

life is too short. love, laugh and enjoy it, before you have regrets.


< Message edited by tammystarm -- 9/22/2009 1:11:10 PM >

_____________________________

~~Queen of duct-tape~~
~~Emotionally delusional~~

~~somebody pour me my nebuitol and hand me my drink~~



(in reply to oceanwyndsLoves)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Getting to Know You - 9/22/2009 2:18:31 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine

1. if you could do it all again, what would you change and why?

I might change when we got together. Val and I knew each other for years before actually getting together. But I'm also not sure we would have been ready for each other and this relationship before then. I really think that things happened pretty much as they should have.
quote:


2. how do you combat fears, disappointments, and expectations?

We talk, talk, talk, talk and more talk. I can honestly say that we can say anything to each other and still go to bed in each other's arms. Even though he is my owner, I tell him honestly when he has let me down and I let him how it affects me, even to tears. As long as we are honest then we can work together to move forward.

As for what I expected... nothing very specific. I expected us to either work at our relationship and keep moving forward or we would break up and I would try again with someone else. I can be remarkably cynical for a very sappy person.
quote:


3. considering where you were at the beginning and where you are now. what have you gained?

I've gained my owner, my husband, lover, best friend... Everything. And a great deal of self-confidence with his help and support! :-)
quote:


4. parting words... your nugget of wisdom to share with someone else.


My advice? I guess in general it would be don't be afraid to take risks. The odds of Eamon and I were against us. Most sane people would call him a rebound. Even I was betting against us when I looked at in terms of black-and-white but we were willing to gamble and see what happened. I guess when you risk a lot, you can get a big payoff!

Also, as cliche as it is... talk and listen to each other regardless of the dom/master/mistress/grand poobah and sub/slave/pet/whore/whatever roles. No matter what is decided, I think it helps to know where the other person is standing and what they are feeling.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 9/22/2009 2:20:54 PM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Getting to Know You - 9/22/2009 2:44:44 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

1. if you could do it all again, what would you change and why?


this slave would change nothing...because it has worked out fantastically just how it unfolded.

quote:

2. how do you combat fears, disappointments, and expectations?


this slave combats fears by trusting in Him.
He has never disappointed His slave.
this slave makes every effort to live up to His expectations...there is nothing to combat.

quote:

3. considering where you were at the beginning and where you are now. what have you gained?


enough fun times to fill 300 scrapbooks with the leftover pics, trinkets and memorabilia!
 
the most intense, loving, fulfilling intimate partnership this slave has ever been a part of with a caring, thoughtful, sadistic, sentimental, intelligent, protective, loving, witty Master with a keen sense of humor and an infectious "joie de vivre".
 
confidence in this slave's submission.
 
someone who would indeed help dispose of the bodies...if necessary.

quote:

4. parting words... your nugget of wisdom to share with someone else.


in the beginning, this slave wasn't looking for a Master & didn't identify as a slave.
she submitted to His desires on the first date that was attended within 2 weeks of knowing each other existed, smoked a joint together, drank an alcoholic beverage with dinner (that she didn't take with her to the restroom), had sex without:
putting on a condom first
agreeing on a safe word to use
or going over a list of limits as to what He can or cannot do
... AND, after all that rule-breaking, we are both STD free, this slave is still alive with all of her appendages, we legally tied the knot 3 years ago and it has been the best 6 1/2 years of this slave's life!!!

< Message edited by Mercnbeth -- 9/22/2009 2:46:45 PM >

(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Getting to Know You - 9/22/2009 2:52:18 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ranja

1. if you could do it all again, what would you change and why?

i would be less afraid and more open, because i have wasted much time with both

2. how do you combat fears, disappointments, and expectations?

i combat fears by swallowing and breathing and then i get into the scary thing and hope for the best...  expectations by trying to remain realistic and not aim to high or hope for too much and dissapointment by maybe having a good ole cry, then dust myself off and try again... i very much try not to close myself down again even though that might feel safer



i really couldn't choose between either. the first really hit home. which i'll probably talk about when i answer myself. as for the second, remembering to breathe and slowing down have helped me countless times. thanks for sharing.

porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to ranja)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Getting to Know You - 9/22/2009 2:57:14 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: oceanwyndsLoves

One of my biggest challenges is unlearning to respond to His emails. It was driven into me by ex, and this is a hard disciplinary challenge for me to follow through. So right now am working hard at stopping it. I am permitted 5 emails per day that is the rule, and a hard one for me to follow when he responds. So now needing to tell myself, if i used all 5 up, that is it. Anything needed to be said has to wait for the next day.



that's very intriguing. but it appears the limitation is helping you and allowing you to trust which is a beautiful thing. never feel your contributions are small. you never know, your words may be exactly what someone needed to hear.

porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to oceanwyndsLoves)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Getting to Know You - 9/22/2009 4:10:27 PM   
blmtrsne


Posts: 201
Joined: 6/29/2004
Status: offline 		1. if you could do it all again, what would you change and why?
--> I would embrace my slaves gift of submission much faster and with more confidence.
2. how do you combat fears, disappointments, and expectations?
--> Slowly trying out a lot of things. So, experience, I think. And a lot of reading and advice from the internet. (Filter set to ON)
3. considering where you were at the beginning and where you are now. what have you gained?
--> A lot of time to do what I like. Quality of life.
4. parting words... your nugget of wisdom to share with someone else.
--> You are what you are. If something feels right, you've found a little treasure.

_____________________________

-- Owner of slrn733561 --

(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Getting to Know You - 9/22/2009 4:48:34 PM   
Toppingfrmbottom


Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline 		I would of asked more questions gotten to know him on a deeper level than just basic compatibility, and then honestly I would not of gotten involved with him. Why? because there are somethings I know now 4 years later that while after this long involved I wouldn't throw us away over and put up with them,, but I wouldn't knowingly start out knowing that stuff.

I talk to him we communicate and work things out, I express the emotion and he acknowledges that I have expressed said emotion.

I have gained laughter and support * sometimes* and someone I mostly enjoy being with.

Parting wisdom ask questions get to know them find out if they have habbits and behavior patterns you can't live with or would always be causing you problems in life, such as irresponcibility or laziness.


quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine
.

1. if you could do it all again, what would you change and why?
2. how do you combat fears, disappointments, and expectations?
3. considering where you were at the beginning and where you are now. what have you gained?
4. parting words... your nugget of wisdom to share with someone else.

i look forward to your response. thank you in advance.

porcelaine


(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Getting to Know You - 9/22/2009 4:56:27 PM   
CaringandReal


Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline 		Ok (buzz clack whirr) new relationship mindset in place.

quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine

1. if you could do it all again, what would you change and why?
Nothing. I responded naturally and openly to him and vice-versa. Lots of learning happened that way, and I would not want to change that.

2. how do you combat fears, disappointments, and expectations?
I slash them to ribbons with my mighty sword of patience! Well, actually, patience is just another channel for stubborness, but compared to some channels, a pretty productive one. So I wait these things out and outwait them. I follow the advice that people who did a lot of acid in the 60s and 70s used to tell each other: "Don't make any important decisions until you are completely down." ;) And I see what happens next. Often, it's not what I expect. If something feels really bad to me I talk about it. But only somewhat bad? I don't. But that last thing is more situational and not generalized advice. A different dominant would require a different communications approach, undoubtedly.

3. considering where you were at the beginning and where you are now. what have you gained?
Knowledge of another person. Closeness, which while not intimacy, is still quite nice. Some uncertainty removed, but not all and not about the really big stuff. But enough that I feel heartened, feel hope where I once thought none was possible. Companionship, a quiet thing that is easily outshined by the brighter passions but which is a mainstay, an important core element to anything that lasts. Oh, and definitely less lonely.

4. parting words... your nugget of wisdom to share with someone else.
God, I don't know! I'm an improv player, I play things by ear, respond to the moments, and try not to follow any specific precepts because they don't always work in all situations. But, ok, in general... slow and steady sometimes seems to win the race.... um, maybe. I'll get back to you when the race is over and let you know how that worked! :p

i look forward to your response. thank you in advance.

porcelaine



I don't think this is too helpful, more like blind leading the blind, but you're certainly welcome!

_____________________________

"A friend who bleeds is better" --placebo

"How seldom we recognize the sound when the bolt of our fate slides home." --thomas harris

(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Getting to Know You - 9/22/2009 4:58:32 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		I'm "in the midst"......after almost 5 years of being relationship-less.

1. if you could do it all again, what would you change and why?
At this point in time, the only thing I would change is the distance between us. Maybe some of his wardrobe....

2. how do you combat fears, disappointments, and expectations?
I haven't needed to "combat" anything.  Things just seem to fall into place so far, and no matter which book we open, we seem to be on the same page.  It's pretty cool. I have yet to be disappointed about anything and don't expect to be.

3. considering where you were at the beginning and where you are now. what have you gained?
Some photos in my cell phone that I could blackmail him with

4. parting words... your nugget of wisdom to share with someone else.
I don't really have any.  Just know yourself....don't try to fit yourself into someone else's picture.  If you can't step into it easily, it's just not right for you.



_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to blmtrsne)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Getting to Know You - 9/22/2009 5:02:19 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

 Maybe some of his wardrobe....



Ooo... that would be nice. Can I change my answer now?

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to windchymes)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Getting to Know You - 9/22/2009 5:05:38 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

 Maybe some of his wardrobe....



Ooo... that would be nice. Can I change my answer now?


LOL....I'm afraid to ask!

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Getting to Know You - 9/22/2009 5:11:10 PM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

1. if you could do it all again, what would you change and why?


Going back and changing even the smallest detail could have vast unforeseen effects on the result... butterfly effect...
I happen to like where We are now so even if I could I wouldn't go back and change a damn thing.

quote:

2. how do you combat fears, disappointments, and expectations?


What fears? You take risks, those risks either work or they don't. What is the point of fear, that is waisted energy that You could have put into making it work, which You continue doing until You realise that no amount of work is going to take You where You want to be. Then it is too late for fear and You are focusing on ending and moving forward.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst and roll with the punches. If it all goes tits-up then You are back at square one... hey at least it is familiar territory and You know where You have to go from here!

quote:

3. considering where you were at the beginning and where you are now. what have you gained?


A relationship where I can be just Me, no masks, no bullshit, no holding back. Not in what I want/take from her or in what I give to/force upon her...

quote:

4. parting words... your nugget of wisdom to share with someone else.


Everything has risks, make sure you are minimising the possible consequences but don't let fear of those consequences stop you taking that leap of faith when you need to. If you never risk failure then you will NEVER gain the rewards of success.


_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 20
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