InvisibleBlack
Posts: 865
Joined: 7/24/2009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth
I've noticed that it is fairly common to see a submissive represent that they are, or were, "inspired" to submit within their relationship dynamic. Appreciating that many of us dominants are very inspirational, is it wrong to assume that submissives aren't similarly inspirationally endowed?
It got me wondering if there is a similar inspiration occurring on the other side of the flogger.
It's funny you should ask this - I just posted something in my journal a day or so ago about how I realized I was dominant. I'll cut & paste it here - sorry for the length:
In the short time I've been on this site, I've been asked a number of times how did I realize I was dominant - I've even been asked this by a couple of doms. I suppose it's a fair question. For those of you trying to figure things out for yourself, I don't know if my experiences are going to help you but for your edification, I'll simply post the story here so as to spare myself the need to repeat it going forward.
Quite some time ago, I was at this get together (party would be too strong a word) at someone's house - I hadn't met many of the people there, it was a sort of a friend of a friend deal - but I'm usually up for meeting new people and I did know a number of people there peripherally and it's always good to be able to put a face or a voice to a name.
So I met this one woman, she was maybe 5' 3', pale, and had really long really red hair and damn but I wanted her. I wanted her like there was no tomorrow. I'm not talking chemistry - that sort of electric pop when you meet someone and just know that you have a physical and emotional connection, or love in that 'Sweet Mystery Of Life At Last I've Found You' sort of way - I'm talking lust. Straight out, pulse racing, bang-her-off-the-wall lust.
I couldn't figure out why. Pale or not pale doesn't matter to me and I don't really care about hair-color. She wasn't bad looking but she wasn't drop-dead gorgeous either. I couldn't figure it out but whatever she had was working for me.
So we exchange e-mail addresses and we're chatting online for the next couple of days until we're both free and can get together and I'm trying to work what about her I find so riveting. Maybe she moves like my first girlfriend? No. Is there something about her expressions that reminds me of someone? No.
I can't claim that we went on a date, we just sort of hung out and eventually we ended up at my place. It was a Saturday afternoon and I was in the kitchen getting some drinks and she walked in to ask me something and I just turned and kissed her right there.
Well.
We left a trail of clothes to the bedroom. It was exciting. It was fun. It was everything I'd hoped for ... and afterwards ... she just kind of laid there giggling and twitching uncontrollably for seven or eight minutes. When she recovered I was like 'I've never seen anything like that before. Does that happen all the time?' and she looked at me and said 'No. It's never been like that.'
My ego probably grew three sizes right there.
So, obviously we spent a *lot* of time together and we had a lot of sex. I would always initiate and whatever I wanted to do, she would do. And we'd talk about what we were into. Things she was interested in trying, things I wanted to do that I'd never done before, things she was fascinated with but was afraid of ... and sooner or later, we'd do them. And she'd always end up giggling and twitching afterwards.
This isn't to say we didn't go to movies or shows or take trips or do, y'know, real life stuff as well. We did. We just also spent a lot of time having a lot of sex.
So one weekend we're in bed, and I told her to do something and she looked at me and said 'I really like it when you tell me what to do' and BAM ... it all came together. It clicked. I could feel the pieces slide together in the back of my head. It's like I could feel the world spin around me as everything oriented itself.
We were in a D/s relationship and I was the Dom and she was the sub. In retrospect, it was blatantly obvious. I came up with the ideas, I decided what we would do, I made the plans, picked the movies, etc. etc. and she enjoyed making them happen. She wanted me to tell her to do stuff and she felt good when she did it. And I liked it. At some low level I'd seen it in her and she'd seen it in me when we met and we just went with it.
Beyond that, well, once the light comes on - you can't turn it back off. You like what you like and you get off on what you get off on and you look for those things. If you've been there, you know what I'm talking about. If you haven't - I can't tell you what you can do to trigger that moment. All I can really say is that sooner or later it will come to you. You can't force it and while you can fight it (and I have known some people who have), I don't think that's healthy in the long run.
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Does any dominant represent that their dominance was/is "inspired" by their partner?
I think it was her submissiveness that I reacted to. Later in life, I've had similar reactions (if not as strong) with certain other submissives. Could I have come to the realization that I was dominant in some other way or with some other submissive? Yeah, probably. Would the experience have been effectively identical - highly doubtful.
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As a result, would that point to an inherent dominance awakened by the partner, or is it person specific?
It was inherent. I just wasn't consciously aware of it. My dominance was not specific to her. My reaction to her was and our relationship was unique - but then again, I feel all relationships are unique.
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Do you, or your partner, have any concern that your dominance could wane over time?
Back when we were together, it never occurred to either of us. In fact - it's never really occurred to me until you mentioned it. I have considered the fact there might potentially be some 'awakening' or 'awareness', something like satori, that could change a person so fundamentally that such things as dominance or submission would be lost. "Lost" isn't the word I'm looking for. Shed. Shed as one's personality expands to a higher level. There. That says it better.
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Is the dominance an 'act' or does it flow from the inspiring source?
It's not an 'act'. It's part of the way I am. It doesn't flow from the inspiring source either. It's part of the way I perceive and interact with the world. I don't think I could turn it off. I would suppose that the dominance is a reaction to certain events or stimuli in the environment around me. I don't particualrly feel the need to dominate everywhere and everyone and everything. There are situations where I dominate, there are situation where I don't care enough to even consider it, and there are situation where I don't. Many of them aren't sexual or have anything to do with sex or attraction. I think what made the initial reaction so powerful was the interaction of both the dominance and the attraction - they kind of resonated with each other which made the experience much more powerful.
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Lacking the triggering 'inspiration' what do you think would happen if the relationship ended?
When things ended, life went on. Eventually, I met another sub whom I was attracted to and who was attracted to me and we started a new relationship.
Other people's experiences may vary. I think everyone is different. I don't believe that there's a single or a preferred way to become or to be dominant or submissive. It is what it is. You are who you are.
Wow - my forum posts just keep getting bigger and bigger. I need to learn to be more concise.
_____________________________
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
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