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RE: Really not that much into sex - 8/27/2009 10:14:53 PM

lusciouslips19

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ThatDamnedPanda

quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally

quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

I gues I have heard Darksteven say that in a good D's relationship, the Doms wants are being met, while the subs needs are being met.

I have never understood this sentence, my wants are met just as much as his, just that it is my want to submit.

I don't get it either. If I'm not meeting my dominant's needs as well as her wants, what the heck am I doing there? I don't even want to be there if she's not getting her needs met by my submission.

And when her needs and wants are met by you, than your desire to meet her needs and to submit are met. I find that very easy to comprehend.

< Message edited by lusciouslips19 -- 8/27/2009 10:15:39 PM >

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Post #: 41

RE: Really not that much into sex - 8/27/2009 10:20:49 PM

lusciouslips19

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ThatDamnedPanda

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

my submission is not focused upon nor motivated by sex. It is however, upon obedience and subservience to Master. Sex however is important to me not because of bdsm but because it's a healthy part of a long term committed relationship whether it be bdsm or not.

Eloquently and succinctly articulated as always. The only thing I'd word differently is that for me, my submission is based upon and driven by my love for my partner, or similar deep emotional attachment. Without that, there is no submission for me, because submission is simply how I feel love and express it to my partner. Sex, in and of itself? Just as with my submission, it has absolutely no appeal to me in the absence of a romantic relationship with my partner. If the emotional attachment is not there, neither the sexual attraction nor the urge to submit are there, either.

I agree. Sumission is very intense for me. Even in play with no sex involved. I finally realized that I cant have casual BDSM as my emotions and the intensity makes it feel like love.

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Post #: 42

RE: Really not that much into sex - 8/27/2009 10:44:37 PM

porcelaine

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

SO I am wondering about being submissive to a request that is actually submitting to something that makes one unhappy. Not when submission is easy, but when submission is a difficult road. I dont think you specifically that I know of have submitted to something that was a limit or hard for you to do. I may be wrong. I am just swirling with the "what ifs"?

i addressed this issue a long time ago in a journal entry. i'll share my thoughts with you.

obedience is a continual choice, an ongoing movement as to whether we will obey at that given time. when i find myself confronted by situations i employ the following questions:

a.. how do i know this is according to his wish?
b.. is my attitude good at this moment?
c.. is this an act of my submission or will?
d.. is it in accordance with his standards, values, ethics, and what he would want in my life?

i have begun to view all aspects of my life as a service to him. i've come to understand and appreciate the necessity of changing gears and shifting focus. for these things allow the mind to grow, promote emotional stretching, and aid in the prevention of stagnation, comfort, and apathy. when things become automatic it is time for change. i welcome the freshness that change brings and permit them to occur.

this is all about me. my journey. the importance of me being who i proclaim myself to be. the development of pride in my actions and the obedience that service inspires. finding humility within and learning not to rationalize or attempt to make decisions for the one i serve. having a conscience acceptance that this relationship is different and the requirements differ as well.

ingraining in my mind the fact that service is not what i believe it to be, but in actuality is what he says. being able to bring all of me into serving by following my own nature and the path he has laid. with the silent knowledge that i will hold to it no matter how difficult the challenges or tasks may be. trusting that he is capable of and will provide me with the tools that i need.

balance is required for good emotional discipline and this something i must continually strive to attain. i pray for the ability to be well spoken, humble, obedient, respectful, mindful, and responsive to the degree where my actions, thoughts, and desires are the embodiment of your will.

this is how i approach the questions that were posed. it is difficult to articulate in many respects what has now become a natural response. i will not deny that resistance can occur. however when its all said and done, i chose to serve. the addition of challenges and moments of discomfort have honestly made the journey more meaningful to us.

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Post #: 43

RE: Really not that much into sex - 8/27/2009 10:44:58 PM

ThatDamnedPanda

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

quote:

ORIGINAL: ThatDamnedPanda

quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally

quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

I gues I have heard Darksteven say that in a good D's relationship, the Doms wants are being met, while the subs needs are being met.

I have never understood this sentence, my wants are met just as much as his, just that it is my want to submit.

I don't get it either. If I'm not meeting my dominant's needs as well as her wants, what the heck am I doing there? I don't even want to be there if she's not getting her needs met by my submission.

And when her needs and wants are met by you, than your desire to meet her needs and to submit are met. I find that very easy to comprehend.

Yeah, that's about it. It sounds convoluted at first blush, but actually it's quite symmetrical. Someone once asked me what was so perfect about my relationship with my ex, and the answer I gave was that each of us needed the other in the exact way that the other needed to be needed. Our needs fit together like the two halves of a torn piece of paper. Perfect symmetry of needs.

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Post #: 44

RE: Really not that much into sex - 8/28/2009 3:26:46 PM

Steelslilbit

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i once had a wants/needs discussion with Steel, and He broke it down like this:

1) HIS needs are met.
2)andi and my needs are met.
3) HIS wants are met
4) andi and my wants are met.

Funny thing is, that as His needs are met, it just kinda works out for andi and me. He wants to tie us to the bed and whip us with the flogger...it just so happens we wanted/needed Him to tie us to the bed and whip us with the flogger. He feels the urge to sit and snuggle on the couch, we needed/wanted that contact from Him (like always, k...andi and i are snugglers). It doesn't always happen that way with all relationships, and it doesn't work out that way all the time with us......but it makes you that much more happy when it does.

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RE: Really not that much into sex - 8/29/2009 11:42:27 AM

dreamerdreaming

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RE: Really not that much into sex - 8/29/2009 11:54:24 AM

RavenMuse

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The people I don't 'get' are those for whom it is all about the sex.

Does every meal have to be 'about' the potatoes? Nope, they are just one part of a meal that is enjoyed as a whole, it isn't 'about' any one small part. I wouldn't Own a girl with whom there was no sexual chemistry, but that doesn't mean what We have together is 'about' the sex... nor is it 'about' the play... what it is 'about' is how We relate and interact as a whole, what We inspire in each other and the ability to sate those desires.... ALL the various elements, not simply the sexual ones.

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RE: Really not that much into sex - 8/29/2009 12:07:01 PM

littlesarbonn

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quote:

ORIGINAL: seababy

So why am I posting a response? Because I'm a fan of littlesarbonne and his lonely.

Every time I see his little stick avatar and read his posts I want to hug and squeeze him.

<------littlesarbonne after I squeeze him.

Thanks.

I love my little avatar. He represents me so well.

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RE: Really not that much into sex - 8/29/2009 12:11:12 PM

LillyoftheVally

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Steelslilbit

i once had a wants/needs discussion with Steel, and He broke it down like this:

1) HIS needs are met.
2)andi and my needs are met.
3) HIS wants are met
4) andi and my wants are met.

Funny thing is, that as His needs are met, it just kinda works out for andi and me. He wants to tie us to the bed and whip us with the flogger...it just so happens we wanted/needed Him to tie us to the bed and whip us with the flogger. He feels the urge to sit and snuggle on the couch, we needed/wanted that contact from Him (like always, k...andi and i are snugglers). It doesn't always happen that way with all relationships, and it doesn't work out that way all the time with us......but it makes you that much more happy when it does.

lil bit

And I would go so far as to suggest if this didn't happen then the framework you outlined wouldn't work for most. It kinda has to be that in the process all get their needs met, if his needs are met first on all occasions and those needs are contrary to yours then I don't see the relationship lasting (I actually thought Steel used to say it was the s-types needs, then his needs, then his wants then the s-types wants but that may have been a fabrication) Problem is equations don't make relationships, life gets in the way. If I was tied to a bed gagged and blindfolded and the answer phone switches on and it turns out someone in my family is in trouble. If he was to say ' but I need to finish' I feel the relationship would be in a fair amount of danger.

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RE: Really not that much into sex - 8/29/2009 12:16:21 PM

littlesarbonn

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

The people I don't 'get' are those for whom it is all about the sex.

Does every meal have to be 'about' the potatoes? Nope, they are just one part of a meal that is enjoyed as a whole, it isn't 'about' any one small part. I wouldn't Own a girl with whom there was no sexual chemistry, but that doesn't mean what We have together is 'about' the sex... nor is it 'about' the play... what it is 'about' is how We relate and interact as a whole, what We inspire in each other and the ability to sate those desires.... ALL the various elements, not simply the sexual ones.

I have a really close friend of mine who I honestly think she's obsessed with sex. She is a lot younger than me, but she can never understand how I am not craving sex like she says she constantly is. She has tons of partners (well, one after another), and she keeps saying how she's having so much trouble finding someone she connects with. So, sometimes I find myself wondering, why would you go have sex with so many different guys if there's no actual connection, other than just sex. But that's really for another discussion, I guess.

What I do find interesting is that she can never understand my explanation that I'm a submissive, and my desire is to please and receive pleasure as part of a dynamic that comes from pleasing the woman I end up serving. To her, it would all be about sex and then anything in addition would be an add on to the relationship. I kind of wonder if there are not a lot of people like her, from both sides of the genders.

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RE: Really not that much into sex - 8/29/2009 12:19:14 PM

LillyoftheVally

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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlesarbonn
So, sometimes I find myself wondering, why would you go have sex with so many different guys if there's no actual connection, other than just sex. But that's really for another discussion, I guess.

To her, it would all be about sex and then anything in addition would be an add on to the relationship. I kind of wonder if there are not a lot of people like her, from both sides of the genders.

My sister is going through this phase, she had a string on long relationships, and now she is making up for lost time, actually looking for men she isnt interested in relationship wise to ensure that all it is about is sex. I can understand why, but I also believe it is something she will grow out of pretty quickly.

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RE: Really not that much into sex - 8/29/2009 1:26:20 PM

stella41b

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I see this as well (what's written in the OP).

It's like the people you come across who strive hard to get well paid jobs, work hard, spend money on clothes, cosmetics, going out, clubbing, get to meet someone (usually after looking on the Internet for ads, postings and profiles with the same photoimage perfect looks and buzzwords such as 'professional', 'attractive', 'sexy'), take them back, have sex with them, but want them gone by morning.

What strikes me as funny is that they call it 'casual sex'. I'm not knocking it, but from my perspective it's got to be the most labour intensive way of getting a shag I can think of. I mean, if you so badly want them gone in the morning why bother in the first place?

Me being who I am and at my current stage in life sex isn't a big priority. It isn't a priority at all and yet it's usually the number one barrier which has prevented someone wanting to start a relationship with me. It's even lower down on my list than kinks and play activities.

Number one to me is the interaction between me and someone else, second is the companionship, whether that person can put up with me, and third is the intimacy we can achieve. But intimacy here doesn't for me mean lying naked in bed next to someone I hardly know but has more to do with being able to share innermost thoughts and feelings, reveal insecurities and vulnerabilities, and being open to giving, receiving and exchanging emotional support. All these things for me come even before submission and any sort of dynamic.

Therefore I feel I can relate to what the OP is saying. And it's true, some people look at you as if you've just dropped out of a UFO.

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RE: Really not that much into sex - 8/29/2009 1:37:50 PM

leadership527

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Interesting libit.

I used to conceptualize my decision tree along the needs and wants line also. IN my case, it went like this.

1) Her needs (responsibility of ownership and all that)
2) My needs (yup, those are important too)
3) My wants (rank hath it's privileges)
4) Her wants (cause, you know, a happy slave girl gives good blow jobs)

As you indicate though, between Carol and I the needs seldom end up in conflict and the wants are, by definition, trivial.

More recently though I've stolen a chapter out of Merc's book. Now there is only two decision points...

1) OUR needs (what do we need as a couple)
2) OUR wants (what's going to most make us happy and fulfilled as a couple)

On the needs thing, that hardly matters anyway since, by definition, all needs must be met or the relationship ends. Whether I put one of us first or second changes nothing since they must all be reasonably continuously met. On the wants, my decisions go with what's going to be best for us together. Sometimes that goes my way and sometimes hers. For me, I found that thinking pattern more accurately captures all the complexities of real life. I didn't ALWAYS put my wants first. Nor did her needs always get prioritized first. Real life is more situational than that.

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