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RE: Interested Dom vs. her protector/mentor - 8/26/2009 10:07:17 AM

marie2

Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline

To the OP:

I find it admirable (not foolish) that you tried to respect her newness and her relationship with the "protector". It shows sincerity in your interest in her, but at this point, it appears that you are being jerked around, and are now having to cowtow to this ghost of a mystery man, which whether she realizes it or not, is making you look submissive instead of dominant.

If I were you, I would tell her very clearly of my intentions, no holds barred, no pussy footing around, then I would lay down the conditions. If she isn't willing to play by your rules, then leave the game, and let her come begging at some point in the future, after she is done with the "protector. I think in the long run, she'll respect you for walking away from this situation, and she will grow to appreciate your reasons why.

(in reply to daintydimples)

Post #: 41

RE: Interested Dom vs. her protector/mentor - 8/26/2009 10:12:12 AM

daintydimples

Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: seababy

Well roll him in honey and throw him to the ravening pack of CM submissives. The feeding frenzy is ON.
(Mr, you are going to need a single tail just to keep them off you)

*cracks up at seababy

It was *just* a suggestion. You know, just in case what he really wants is a loud mouthed, opinionated, slightly know it all, I haven't needed a protector since I was five type.

It could happen, right??

_____________________________

Some soften by the forced reflection that comes from loss; others harden. Which are you?

(in reply to seababy)

Post #: 42

RE: Interested Dom vs. her protector/mentor - 8/26/2009 10:32:36 AM

seababy

Posts: 845
Joined: 6/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: daintydimples

quote:

ORIGINAL: seababy

Well roll him in honey and throw him to the ravening pack of CM submissives. The feeding frenzy is ON.
(Mr, you are going to need a single tail just to keep them off you)

*cracks up at seababy

It was *just* a suggestion. You know, just in case what he really wants is a loud mouthed, opinionated, slightly know it all, I haven't needed a protector since I was five type.

It could happen, right??

and don't forget the dimples!

(in reply to daintydimples)

Post #: 43

RE: Interested Dom vs. her protector/mentor - 8/26/2009 10:59:20 AM

daintydimples

Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline

and don't forget the dimples!

You can never forget the dimples. Or the cuteness ! Or the humility !!

I'm so cute, he's going to forget all about the loud mouthed part, right ????

_____________________________

Some soften by the forced reflection that comes from loss; others harden. Which are you?

(in reply to seababy)

Post #: 44

RE: Interested Dom vs. her protector/mentor - 8/26/2009 11:10:45 AM

Toppingfrmbottom

Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline

I am willing to bet that even vanilla's sometimes in some cases have matters of pre screening and checking out the prospective. In old fashioned families some people believe the intended bf should ask the dad if it's ok to court his daughter, even if said daughter and said bf are over 18. You can not speak for the whole wide vanilla community and culture as what they do and do not do.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DomImus

The real determination of whether this is a lesson learned or not is how you will handle this situation the next time you meet a submissive who is under someone else's protection. It struck me while I was writing this post that this is one of the real differences between the kink side of the world and the vanilla side of the world. The vanilla side would never ever be a party to this sort of nonsense. Point for the vanillas.

(in reply to DomImus)

Post #: 45

RE: Interested Dom vs. her protector/mentor - 8/26/2009 11:36:20 AM

daintydimples

Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Toppingfrmbottom

I am willing to bet that even vanilla's sometimes in some cases have matters of pre screening and checking out the prospective. In old fashioned families some people believe the intended bf should ask the dad if it's ok to court his daughter, even if said daughter and said bf are over 18. You can not speak for the whole wide vanilla community and culture as what they do and do not do.

No one said pre-checking and pre-screening were new ideas. I implement some pre-checking and pre-screening before I meet someone I encountered over the net. But my methods involve having them come into my chat channel on irc and meet my online friends. These are people I have known for years; I trust their spidy sense. Although I may meet someone in public alone, you don't come to my house w/o understanding my (male) roommate will be there. If someone is not comfortable with these basics, then they are not concerned with making sure I feel comfortable about meeting them.

And BTW....if they had similar hoops for me to jump through, I'd be happy to oblige. So far no one has.

However, the situation with the OP goes far beyond pre-screening and pre-checking, IMO.

_____________________________

Some soften by the forced reflection that comes from loss; others harden. Which are you?

(in reply to Toppingfrmbottom)

Post #: 46

RE: Interested Dom vs. her protector/mentor - 8/26/2009 11:44:20 AM

Toppingfrmbottom

Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline

Yes, it does far beyond simply "checking you out " I agree dainty dimples, but I was more commenting on his comment that vanilla's do n't do things like this Dom op is referencing to, and how I feel you can't speak for every single vanilla culture or community out there.

quote:

ORIGINAL: daintydimples

quote:

ORIGINAL: Toppingfrmbottom

I am willing to bet that even vanilla's sometimes in some cases have matters of pre screening and checking out the prospective. In old fashioned families some people believe the intended bf should ask the dad if it's ok to court his daughter, even if said daughter and said bf are over 18. You can not speak for the whole wide vanilla community and culture as what they do and do not do.

No one said pre-checking and pre-screening were new ideas. I implement some pre-checking and pre-screening before I meet someone I encountered over the net. But my methods involve having them come into my chat channel on irc and meet my online friends. These are people I have known for years; I trust their spidy sense. Although I may meet someone in public alone, you don't come to my house w/o understanding my (male) roommate will be there. If someone is not comfortable with these basics, then they are not concerned with making sure I feel comfortable about meeting them.

And BTW....if they had similar hoops for me to jump through, I'd be happy to oblige. So far no one has.

However, the situation with the OP goes far beyond pre-screening and pre-checking, IMO.

(in reply to daintydimples)

Post #: 47

RE: Interested Dom vs. her protector/mentor - 8/26/2009 11:50:40 AM

NormalOutside

Posts: 622
Joined: 1/8/2008
Status: offline

Maybe you need to grab her by the hair and inform he that you own her now, and that you'll be limiting her contact with her former mentor to specific times, and only with your prior consent. This dude is messing with YOUR girl.

_____________________________

I won't see your reply, because I don't use this account anymore.

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

Post #: 48

RE: Interested Dom vs. her protector/mentor - 8/26/2009 12:43:17 PM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NormalOutside

Maybe you need to grab her by the hair and inform he that you own her now, and that you'll be limiting her contact with her former mentor to specific times, and only with your prior consent. This dude is messing with YOUR girl.

oh yeah, when all else fails.

porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to NormalOutside)

Post #: 49

RE: Interested Dom vs. her protector/mentor - 8/26/2009 12:47:28 PM

LillyoftheVally

Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine

quote:

ORIGINAL: NormalOutside

Maybe you need to grab her by the hair and inform he that you own her now, and that you'll be limiting her contact with her former mentor to specific times, and only with your prior consent. This dude is messing with YOUR girl.

oh yeah, when all else fails.

porcelaine

Yeah, that was quite surreal I had to read it twice

_____________________________

'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

(in reply to porcelaine)

Post #: 50

RE: Interested Dom vs. her protector/mentor - 8/26/2009 12:54:51 PM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: daintydimples

and don't forget the dimples!

You can never forget the dimples. Or the cuteness ! Or the humility !!

I'm so cute, he's going to forget all about the loud mouthed part, right ????

~coughs~

(in reply to daintydimples)

Post #: 51

RE: Interested Dom vs. her protector/mentor - 8/26/2009 1:03:51 PM

daintydimples

Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

quote:

ORIGINAL: daintydimples

and don't forget the dimples!

You can never forget the dimples. Or the cuteness ! Or the humility !!

I'm so cute, he's going to forget all about the loud mouthed part, right ????

~coughs~

Whaaaaaat ????

_____________________________

Some soften by the forced reflection that comes from loss; others harden. Which are you?

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

Post #: 52

RE: Interested Dom vs. her protector/mentor - 8/26/2009 9:16:23 PM

Rhodes85

Posts: 445
Joined: 11/15/2008
From: Nova Scotia, Canada
Status: offline

While I could understand and accept a 'mentor' making sure you weren't some kind of nut or screwing around or something of that nature before she talked to you, this guy is CLEARLY screwing you around. First, I have some doubts as to whether the mentor actually exists. I have a feeling it is her pretending to be the guy to mess with you. However, assuming the guy does actually exist he has crossed the line in many different respects. It is not his place as a 'protector' or 'mentor' to tell her what she can do or to tell *you* that you can only contact her according to his conditions. His contacting random people on your friends list to ask questions about you is not only extremely rude and disrespectful, but it is also not exactly a smart thing to do. For example, if this mentor went and contacted certain ramdom people on my facebook friends list he would himself end up being looked into by them for asking questions they shouldn't be asking without my knowledge. To say nothing of the replies he would be getting back.What i'm saying is he should be more careful about doing things like that as it can backfire pretty easily. A good rule is NEVER mess with people you know nothing about. That being said the very fact that he did it (especially without your knowledge) tells me that this guy isn't so much seeing if you are 'safe' or 'worthy' of this woman so much as he is checking you out to see if you are a possible threat to him and his control over her. In simple terms, despite what he claims, shes pretty much her Dom already. That isn't going to change.

That being said I do not believe that you are being tested and I do not believe you are a fool. If I were you I would tell both of them that this whole 'playing by the mentors rules' is over and that if she wants to continue things with you then she does it herself. If he has a problem with that I suggest he take it up with you in person. If neither one is willing to abide by those simple requests I would suggest you drop her asap.

On another note a friend of mine in Australia actually went through something similar to this with a 45 year old guy in BC that was also posing as his supposed 20 year old friend. (loooooong story) Ironically I ended up being her 'mentor' in that situation and proving to her that the guy was royalling screwing her over. I had him picked out as a user literally within ten seconds of her telling me about him and it took her six months to accept what was going on with him. So, I trust my instincts when they say something is not right with a situation....and this situation, my friend, is not going to end well. Find out what you can about the 'mentor' and if he doesn't back off, you should. Trust me, its for the best. You never know what this guy was trying to pull.

Anyways thats all I really have to say on it OP, though if you want any help on finding out about this guy and what is going on with him send me a message. I'm quite good at that kind of thing

_____________________________

This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. Had this been an actual emergency you would all be dead by now. Have a nice day and remember: Friends don't let friends vote Republican.

(in reply to daintydimples)

Post #: 53

RE: Interested Dom vs. her protector/mentor - 8/26/2009 9:38:57 PM

InvisibleBlack

Posts: 865
Joined: 7/24/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MindOvrMatter

That has not been pursued on his part and in all actuality, I do not have confirmation that he is 'real' and I"m not being subjected to a twisted game. I chose to give her the benefit of the doubt and trust her initially, otherwise there would have been no point in pursuing her. Interestingly enough, I received a correspondence from him today for the first time since the beginning and he is suggesting that it is time for us to get to know each other better. I am not looking for a confrontation, yet will not be backing down and will make it clear that I am no longer playing by the rules.

I agree with all who have stated that this probably needs to be chalked up to a lesson learned and quietly move on.

From time to time I've been an advisor or screened potential Doms for subs who lacked experience or were unsure - I've never had them announce that they were 'under my protection' or whatever - but that's a whole 'nother discussion thread. What I will say is this - it's one thing to read through someone's profile or correspondence and render an opinion on just what the person is like, it's another to become the girl's Dom and then contrive a batch of rules for her dating interaction. Something isn't right here and I think that drawing a line in the sand is the right course of action. If this "Dom" won't meet with you and this sub won't leave him - there's obviously too much going on here for you to get involved in.

A good yardstick, I've found, is to try and remove the D/s aspects and just say to yourself "Would I put up with this is this was just a regular vanilla date/relationship/etc.?" D/s relationships are more complex, not less. If it wouldn't work in the vanilla world, adding the BDSM aspect isn't going to make it easier.

If things don't resolve to your satisfaction quickly, wave goodbye and find someone who can devote themselves to you wholly and without hindrance.

_____________________________

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

(in reply to MindOvrMatter)

Post #: 54

RE: Interested Dom vs. her protector/mentor - 8/30/2009 3:46:54 PM

MindOvrMatter

Posts: 10
Joined: 10/26/2007
Status: offline

Thanks again for all of the comments to my post. I see that there are some wonderful people on these forums. And I'll have to spend more time here in the future.

I don't have my answers as to some of the lingering questions..such as..Is he real? Is she making him up? What are his true motives? What are her motives? Etc, etc. But my conclusion ended up being that it doesn't really matter. It became the writing on the wall to what could have been further bizarre behavior down the road had I in fact actually became her true Dom. I wasn't about to let that happen so I simply walked away from the situation, after stating my firm position to no avail. A blessing in disguise no doubt, because no matter how impervious to certain situations we think we may be, there's usually someone out there who can fool us, rob us of our peace and serenity and basically turn our life into a cluster-f*ck. Maybe not for long, but long enough to stick us and start turning the knife. I do hope that she sees the true nature of this Dom before her reputation becomes so soiled that she'll never find anyone other than a poser or a real threat to her.

And for you ladies out there who were in a teasing mood, what's a few miles or continents? Too funny!

MindOvrMatter...aka Brett

(in reply to InvisibleBlack)

Post #: 55

RE: Interested Dom vs. her protector/mentor - 8/30/2009 6:41:27 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MindOvrMatter
I simply walked away from the situation, after stating my firm position to no avail.

Good. You gave it one last try. You'll sleep easier with fewer what-ifs now.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to MindOvrMatter)

Post #: 56

RE: Interested Dom vs. her protector/mentor - 8/30/2009 6:53:21 PM

Sunnyfey

Posts: 1436
Joined: 9/21/2007
From: OK
Status: offline

*hugs* You seem like a good cat, now go find a nice submissive WOMAN who has her big girl panties on and dosen't need anyone to "protect" her from what could be a fun happy relationship.

_____________________________

Resident Hell Cat

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 57

RE: Interested Dom vs. her protector/mentor - 8/30/2009 7:39:20 PM

MissBeautiful2U

Posts: 98
Joined: 12/5/2008
Status: offline

I really agree with what DarkSteven had to say on here. I love the idea of a sub girl having a mentor to help screen out potential bad matches, but once the first meeting has been had and things went well, he should stay on as no more than a friend. Meaning I don't think a girl should break off contact with the mentor simply because she has a Dom/me or one she is looking seriously towards serving, but she should no longer be beholden to his rules for contact unless they are common sense things like ok... the first five dates you will call me before you go and when you get back, along with giving general contact information (much in the way of a safecall but perhaps extended a few dates).

More than that the guy is massively controlling or overstepping the boundaries of 'mentor'.

If this girl is really someone you find yourself caring about, stick with it because good matches are difficult to find, but I wouldn't like what's going on anymore than you do.

I really wish you the best of luck!

(in reply to MindOvrMatter)

Post #: 58

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