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ORIGINAL: MindOvrMatter
He was very adament about letting me know that "he has complete power and control over her" in all areas aside from kids, family and vanilla friends.

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ORIGINAL: GraciousLady
He is essentially topping you from the bottom here.

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ORIGINAL: MindOvrMatter
many Doms have exited the scene immediately upon hearing of their arrangement.

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ORIGINAL: DomImus

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ORIGINAL: MindOvrMatter
many Doms have exited the scene immediately upon hearing of their arrangement.

You stuck with it and found out why they did not. It sounds to me like you are being had and that these two enjoy jerking around with people in this manner. If she was really looking for someone she'd have gotten the message after the other doms bolted.

Never, ever woo another dominant in order to reach a submissive.

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ORIGINAL: MindOvrMatter

I am a Dom with a few years experience, but not so much in the public scene and relating to certain protocols.  Myself and a sub who is looking to find a Dom for a LTR, have been corresponding and I was made aware immediately that she had a Dom assuming the role of protector and mentor, with a primary objective of helping her screen potential Doms for her.  Initially this was no big deal and I understood and accepted the situation, as her and I got to know each other over the course of several weeks.

It came to light (early on) that he had also become her Dom during the course of this process, filling other roles that she was obviously needing with respect to tasks, punishment, etc.  Due to circumstances of their age differences, locale and other issues , I was assured by both that this was temporary and there was no possibility of it being a longterm thing between them.  Once she found a Dom to explore a serious D/s relationship with, his role would remain as friend and mentor.

I am having several misgivings about this arrangement that I'd like feedback on.  First, he dictates "all" the rules of engagement between her and any prospective Dom, including myself.  Phone time, 1st and 2nd meetings, etc.  The only correspondence that she can have with me that is open is email and yahoo chat...no texting, no camming, no calling, no meeting unless he approves...and so on. 

We just met for the first time with a rule of 1:45 hr limit, strictly vanilla and not even a permission for a kiss at the end of the meet.  After several weeks of talking and trying to get the go ahead for a meeting, this mentor began thoroughly checking me out a day prior to our meet.  His method was to search out subs in a certain radius of my, and contact those who had me on their friends list...blindly I might add.  Many of those subs contacted me and were taken aback by this approach in a stranger asking about me without me letting them know this might be coming.  He also blindly contacted many on my Fetlife friendslist, without asking me prior.  I found this to be very disrespectful to me as a fellow Dom.

How does this approach line up with certain protocol for obtaining references, etc?  I have nothing to hide, but his actions did create some unnecessary drama that wasn't necessary. 

I have been very patient throughout this process because I like this girl and have grown very fond of her, whereas many Doms have exited the scene immediately upon hearing of their arrangement.  The biggest struggle that I am facing today is that there seems to be no 'end game' or plan (except maybe in his head) as to how/when he would step down as her Dom to allow another to have full freedom of communication and meeting with her.  She can not answer this question, as they have not talked about it.  Needless to say, after now having met her and my becoming increasingly interested in her as a person and potential sub, my patience is dwindling quickly and my frustrations are rising.  Not a good thing.

Lastly, her Dom/protector/mentor will not engage me for some unknown reason.  He sent me an email early on to introduce himself and enlighten me to the arrangement, rules, etc.  He was very adament about letting me know that "he has complete power and control over her" in all areas aside from kids, family and vanilla friends.  I returned that email and have since sent him two others, with no response whatsoever.

Am I being tested, or made to be a fool?  With such little information, it's impossible for myself or anyone else to predict the motives that might exist here.  I'm simply curious how common this sort of arrangement might be and how it's typically handled?

Thank you...
Brett

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ORIGINAL: MindOvrMatter

Am I being tested, or made to be a fool?  With such little information, it's impossible for myself or anyone else to predict the motives that might exist here.  I'm simply curious how common this sort of arrangement might be and how it's typically handled?

Thank you...
Brett

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ORIGINAL: porcelaine

as others have indicated there are some glaring red flags in this scenario. i believe the advice you've been given thus far is pretty forthright, but since i have a mentor i'll speak from that perspective instead. our arrangement began four years ago and still remains. she serves as an advisor, confidant, and is also a good friend of mine. while i may discuss various things with her relating to people i've met or have taken interest in, she has no control over my decisions or actions. i'm an adult and it is expected that i will do what i feel is best for me. i will admit that has been in contradiction to what she would have chosen for me, but its more important that i remain true to myself. plus there are profound lessons in the mistakes.

on occasion she will share her opinion, on other instances she serves as a guide and i discover the truth on my own. the last part is always the ideal, otherwise i'm merely doing as told. in regard to screening applicants or checking references, again, the responsibility of making adult decisions is mine. there have been instances when i've shown her a profile on collarme, but the response usually is followed by what i can only deem as yuck. because she is much older, far more experienced, and has no vested interest in the person, what might appear nice to me is usually a glaring wtf in her eyes. yet and still the choice is mine, and i'll admit she's been spot on every time.

however, our relationship is strictly platonic. we have never and will never engage in any capacity as owner and slave. it would completely upset the balance of our relationship if her interests in me fell outside of the dynamic we've created. the intentional bias would make it virtually impossible for anyone to step in. nor is she inflexible to the degree where she believes no one is good enough either. the jury is still out on whether i've met one that she feels has come close. for what its worth i don't believe i have.

as for tasks and such, i receive none. i'm extremely disciplined, a true type 'a' personality and profoundly driven. she acknowledges it is unnecessary because i have no deficiencies in these areas. if anything i'm much too hard on myself. over time the relationship has changed and grown exponentially. we've reached a point where i readily accept my slavery and can openly acknowledge how far i've come. the exchange is founded on the principles of self-betterment, as opposed to codependent reliance.

the real question you must honestly ask yourself is what she's getting out of it. i am acutely aware of why my mentor remains and if your friend is truthful she'll be able to verbalize the same. the influence you've witnessed he has in her decision making and access are responsibilities she's handed to him. i have never given my mentor that element of control. perhaps if i did i'd have my happy ending. one never knows.

best of luck to you and yours.

porcelaine