RE: Interested Dom vs. her protector/mentor

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antipode -> RE: Interested Dom vs. her protector/mentor (8/25/2009 7:51:32 AM)
quote: Am I being tested, or made to be a fool? The latter.

Mercnbeth -> RE: Interested Dom vs. her protector/mentor (8/25/2009 7:52:26 AM)
quote: Am I being tested, or made to be a fool? With such little information, it's impossible for myself or anyone else to predict the motives that might exist here. I'm simply curious how common this sort of arrangement might be and how it's typically handled? Well, if you want to convey your submissiveness going along with all that bullshit is a great way to do it. Now if she is a 'do-me' sub the 'mentor' may be having you perform all these tasks and restrictions in order to qualify you for the service that the sub is seeking. However, if you plan on taking charge, I'd say you aren't projecting the confidence or ability required to do so. Of course, that is a 'best case' scenario. Maybe the 'dom' and 'sub' are just fucking with you.

DesFIP -> RE: Interested Dom vs. her protector/mentor (8/25/2009 9:05:54 AM)
You're being set up to fail. Actually she's being set up to not ever move on. He doesn't want her for keeps but he does want her for now. I might send her a link to this thread but beyond that, tell her that once she breaks off with him, she should contact you. Because for now, no matter how many hoops you and she jump through, it will never be enough.

MindOvrMatter -> RE: Interested Dom vs. her protector/mentor (8/25/2009 9:13:57 AM)
Thanks to all who have replied. I expected some harsh criticism, a bit of incenuating as to my 'dominance' in allowing this and also some great advice for those with experience. All of the above has been given and that's fine...I posted this for a reason and not afraid of the answers. My decision had already been made with respect to ending the 'jerking around' period. I told her recently that if she wanted to pursue me as her Dom, she must ask to be released by him as his submissive. Of course, that approach can certainly backfire, but I'm ready to rise to the top or simply walk away...as much of the advice here suggested. I gave her a bit of time to think about, because it is 'her' life and again asked to speak with this Dom personally on the phone, meet with him or whatever I needed to do to convey my position to him. That has not been pursued on his part and in all actuality, I do not have confirmation that he is 'real' and I"m not being subjected to a twisted game. I chose to give her the benefit of the doubt and trust her initially, otherwise there would have been no point in pursuing her. Interestingly enough, I received a correspondence from him today for the first time since the beginning and he is suggesting that it is time for us to get to know each other better. I am not looking for a confrontation, yet will not be backing down and will make it clear that I am no longer playing by the rules. I agree with all who have stated that this probably needs to be chalked up to a lesson learned and quietly move on. Thanks again to A/all... Mindovrmatter

IrishMist -> RE: Interested Dom vs. her protector/mentor (8/25/2009 9:16:15 AM)
quote: I received a correspondence from him today for the first time since the beginning and he is suggesting that it is time for us to get to know each other better If that's the case, I would make it a condition that you meet IN PERSON only. Not text chat, not email, not phone. In person only.

slavegirlbc -> RE: Interested Dom vs. her protector/mentor (8/25/2009 9:19:45 AM)
Mindovermatter, i think you handled yourself with class and common sense. you have shown sincere interest in this woman and been willing to subject yoursef to some unnecessary rules in order to demonstrate your consistency and self control. i think you are right to be initially patient and coopertative, then take the stand you did. your choices and behavoir would have certainly impressed me. if she has any sense and intelligence, you are going to stand out to here for your good qualities, and give this some serious thought. i hope it works out for you.

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: Interested Dom vs. her protector/mentor (8/25/2009 9:31:32 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven I have been in the protector role a time or two. I will screen out the initial contacts, discuss things with the submissive up to and after the first meeting, and after that withdraw. What he's doing is ridiculous. Dude, he's got her ear and I'd be very surprised if he's not talking you down to this sub every chance he gets. He's hoping for a relationship with her and you're an obstacle to him. Go nuclear. Contact her and tell her that he's been extremely rude in contacting your friends without your permission, in not replying to your emails, and in not having any kind of timetable. Tell her that you have complied with all of his demands and that you suspect that his sole goal is to get you out of the picture and get her to yourself. Tell her that you want to continue seeing her, but on YOUR terms, not his. If you want, check out all of his friends on cm and fet just like he did with you. Contact their local friends as well, and they will all say that he's a wanker. Bring that to the conversation if you wish. There's going to be a confrontation anyway. The sooner the better. I've also mentored extensively, and once the submissive individual has had that first meeting, I'm there for -advice-, but absolutely do not have a hand in anything that goes on from there UNLESS the submissive individual comes to me and says "Hey, this D-type person won't back off". Frankly, and quite bluntly... what DarkSteven said! ^ ^ (Just reading this got my "Irish" up). Dame Calla

LadyPact -> RE: Interested Dom vs. her protector/mentor (8/25/2009 9:51:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven I have been in the protector role a time or two. I will screen out the initial contacts, discuss things with the submissive up to and after the first meeting, and after that withdraw. What he's doing is ridiculous. Dude, he's got her ear and I'd be very surprised if he's not talking you down to this sub every chance he gets. He's hoping for a relationship with her and you're an obstacle to him. Go nuclear. Contact her and tell her that he's been extremely rude in contacting your friends without your permission, in not replying to your emails, and in not having any kind of timetable. Tell her that you have complied with all of his demands and that you suspect that his sole goal is to get you out of the picture and get her to yourself. Tell her that you want to continue seeing her, but on YOUR terms, not his. If you want, check out all of his friends on cm and fet just like he did with you. Contact their local friends as well, and they will all say that he's a wanker. Bring that to the conversation if you wish. There's going to be a confrontation anyway. The sooner the better. I've also mentored extensively, and once the submissive individual has had that first meeting, I'm there for -advice-, but absolutely do not have a hand in anything that goes on from there UNLESS the submissive individual comes to me and says "Hey, this D-type person won't back off". Frankly, and quite bluntly... what DarkSteven said! ^ ^ (Just reading this got my "Irish" up). Dame Calla Add Me to the choir here. This whole situation sounds exactly why so many people had issues during the Under Protection thread that was popular a week or two ago. Just My personal opinion, of course, but it's not supposed to be working this way and it's the exact kind of abuse of the situation that ticks Me off. I won't even get into the mentor part of the situation. I think that porcelaine's post conveyed very beautifully on why that can work when there is no overtone involved and made the excellent point of why it wouldn't. For the record, take IrishMist's advice about not settling for less than meeting in person. I wouldn't mind someone's protector getting to know Me and in My opinion, that's something that should have happened a long time ago. The fact that it didn't makes Me think something very fishy is going on. For your sake, I hope I'm wrong.

porcelaine -> RE: Interested Dom vs. her protector/mentor (8/25/2009 10:05:59 AM)
thank you for the kind sentiments. [;)] quote: ORIGINAL: MindOvrMatter I agree with all who have stated that this probably needs to be chalked up to a lesson learned and quietly move on. oftentimes our boundaries are a direct result of experiences both good and bad. at the very least you've discovered yours and gained insight on the protector/mentor dynamic. i'm certain you'll encounter it once again, but next time you'll be able to make a more informed decision early on. porcelaine

CreativeDominant -> RE: Interested Dom vs. her protector/mentor (8/25/2009 11:53:29 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact quote: ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven I have been in the protector role a time or two. I will screen out the initial contacts, discuss things with the submissive up to and after the first meeting, and after that withdraw. What he's doing is ridiculous. Dude, he's got her ear and I'd be very surprised if he's not talking you down to this sub every chance he gets. He's hoping for a relationship with her and you're an obstacle to him. Go nuclear. Contact her and tell her that he's been extremely rude in contacting your friends without your permission, in not replying to your emails, and in not having any kind of timetable. Tell her that you have complied with all of his demands and that you suspect that his sole goal is to get you out of the picture and get her to yourself. Tell her that you want to continue seeing her, but on YOUR terms, not his. If you want, check out all of his friends on cm and fet just like he did with you. Contact their local friends as well, and they will all say that he's a wanker. Bring that to the conversation if you wish. There's going to be a confrontation anyway. The sooner the better. I've also mentored extensively, and once the submissive individual has had that first meeting, I'm there for -advice-, but absolutely do not have a hand in anything that goes on from there UNLESS the submissive individual comes to me and says "Hey, this D-type person won't back off". Frankly, and quite bluntly... what DarkSteven said! ^ ^ (Just reading this got my "Irish" up). Dame Calla Add Me to the choir here. This whole situation sounds exactly why so many people had issues during the Under Protection thread that was popular a week or two ago. Just My personal opinion, of course, but it's not supposed to be working this way and it's the exact kind of abuse of the situation that ticks Me off. I won't even get into the mentor part of the situation. I think that porcelaine's post conveyed very beautifully on why that can work when there is no overtone involved and made the excellent point of why it wouldn't. For the record, take IrishMist's advice about not settling for less than meeting in person. I wouldn't mind someone's protector getting to know Me and in My opinion, that's something that should have happened a long time ago. The fact that it didn't makes Me think something very fishy is going on. For your sake, I hope I'm wrong. Add me to the choir here that is saying "In Person Only" meeting. You already know what I think of most mentoring situations and the reasons are given in almost every single statement of your O.P.. You've been more patient than I was and that is commendable but it is nice to see that you have put it out there on a line for her...and HIM...to follow. Now we shall see if they follow through.

rideemwet -> RE: Interested Dom vs. her protector/mentor (8/25/2009 11:59:30 AM)
Would seem that the ideal outcome would be an initial meeting with the other Dom, followed by a three-way meeting where the other Dom clearly relinquishes her to you. Ok, I did say ideal.

leadership527 -> RE: Interested Dom vs. her protector/mentor (8/25/2009 1:35:42 PM)
TO ME (read that as JUST MY OPINION) The whole thing reeks to high heaven. For starters, I'd kind of like a life partner that wasn't so weak that she needed a "protector". Good god, protection from what. Frankly, I'd have been gone the moment I heard that. Now let's discuss the fact that this guy is doing the exact opposite of protecting her. He's collared her. IF they lived closer together, he'd be fucking her. In my mind, the girl is already taken and, even if she weren't, I'd want a stronger partner. And by the way, I was actually with you even though I despise the protector thing up until I found out that he was controlling her interactions with you on an intimate basis. Bluntly, you seem like a pretty level-headed guy and this whole situation on their end just plain is weird...too weird for me.

littlewonder -> RE: Interested Dom vs. her protector/mentor (8/25/2009 4:34:46 PM)
She already has a Dom. You're his toy for his little kitten. That's about it.

DomImus -> RE: Interested Dom vs. her protector/mentor (8/25/2009 4:57:56 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MindOvrMatter I agree with all who have stated that this probably needs to be chalked up to a lesson learned and quietly move on. The real determination of whether this is a lesson learned or not is how you will handle this situation the next time you meet a submissive who is under someone else's protection. It struck me while I was writing this post that this is one of the real differences between the kink side of the world and the vanilla side of the world. The vanilla side would never ever be a party to this sort of nonsense. Point for the vanillas.

wildangel3825 -> RE: Interested Dom vs. her protector/mentor (8/26/2009 7:32:39 AM)
i am a friend to MindovrMatter. i am one of the subs the Dom contacted. i was shocked but i had no problem stating MindOvrMatter is a great Dom. For me personally, i would have preferred she contact me. i would also like to add the Dom that contacted me..well his profile is closed and in the email stated it was closed because he has was not looking for a sub. So i found him suspect from the beginning. He wants to check up on MindovrMatter but his profile is hidden!!! i have nothing but great things to say about MindovrMatter. He is someone i would and have gone to for advice. i did let him know as soon as i received the email, i have been here a very long time and this was a first for me. i just want to put in a good word for MindovrMatter here!! He is the level headed great Dom he seems to be!!

Lockit -> RE: Interested Dom vs. her protector/mentor (8/26/2009 8:09:56 AM)
The guy knows most won't put up with his shit and she will continue to be his in whatever form that is. He doesn't need to show you respect because it's all about him. He can do word battle and influence her but he can't risk talking to you because he is a smuck, con... player. He cross's lines and gets away with it. Even if you meet in person from now on, she still answers to him. It is time that that doesn't happen anymore. If you continue to be dommed by some unseen man, in respect for her situation and wanting to know her... you will always come second in her mind becasue you took his dominance. (In my opinion.) There would never be a mentor in my submissive's life. Friends, sure... but former dominant's? lol Not in my world, not how this is happening to you. It would be a rare situation indeed for me to allow a former dominant into the situation without a clean break and respect for myself and the relationship. That has already been proven to be unavailable in this situation in his refusal to return your emails, etc. I would contact all my friends he contacted and let them know that they shouldn't respond to him in regards to you. Tell her to stand up for what she wants... you or him and be ready to deal with her so deeply trained to him and breaking the ties or walk out to find someone who doesn't need a protector or can determine when a protector is overstepping and limiting them. In fact, I might even bring her to this thread. It's time for the young lady to wake up. If not... time for you to walk away, knowing you were respectful and gave it more than most would and find yourself an adult woman who really wants what you want. A good mentor in my opinion would be teaching her to respect and be loyal to one who is serious about her. You have proven that... now it is time for the mentor guy to back off. And if you accept his continued mentoring in her life... well... good luck with that. You were a stand up guy to do this, but enough is enough, the guy is playing selfish, egotistical games.

seababy -> RE: Interested Dom vs. her protector/mentor (8/26/2009 8:34:20 AM)
OK checked profile. Nice bod, sexy face. Can write structured sentences. Obviously patient and with a desire to "do the right thing" where others are concerned. Few other interesting things on the profile. Doesn't come across as bitter or whingeing. If I was looking and local Id have him on a "Hot Damn" list. My message to your potential future sub is - What the frig are you DOING?! Grow some ovaries and make a decision. Piss or get off the pot girl.

LillyoftheVally -> RE: Interested Dom vs. her protector/mentor (8/26/2009 8:47:31 AM)
I don't agree just give up, I think he needs to state his position first, I think that will be the most satisfying thing to him, that at least he tried, and then he can learn from it

daintydimples -> RE: Interested Dom vs. her protector/mentor (8/26/2009 9:29:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: seababy OK checked profile. Nice bod, sexy face. Can write structured sentences. Obviously patient and with a desire to "do the right thing" where others are concerned. Few other interesting things on the profile. Doesn't come across as bitter or whingeing. If I was looking and local Id have him on a "Hot Damn" list. I so agree (And I am available and not exactly local but one state away.) There ARE other fish in the sea.

seababy -> RE: Interested Dom vs. her protector/mentor (8/26/2009 9:46:51 AM)
Well roll him in honey and throw him to the ravening pack of CM submissives. The feeding frenzy is ON. (Mr, you are going to need a single tail just to keep them off you) [sm=bowdown.gif][sm=bowdown.gif][sm=bowdown.gif][sm=bowdown.gif][sm=bowdown.gif][sm=whip.gif]

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