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Imposing your kink on others - 8/24/2009 12:46:24 PM

LillyoftheVally

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So as not to derail the other thread with this question.

I have seen it a fair bit both in real life and on these boards where someone decides that another is dominant or submissive and treats them as such a bit like sixth sense 'I see domme people' but can it go to far?

We talk about the issue of consent frequently, that is what distances us from abuse, we choose our roles and who to implement them with. Therefore is treating another person out in the real world as a dominant or submissive crossing the line of consent? Or is it ok? Does this change dependent on context, the age old joke of being a slave at work.

Is it unrealistic to always set up consent? Is consent sometimes implied due to the social roles or does it become oppression?

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Post #: 1

RE: Imposing your kink on others - 8/24/2009 12:50:33 PM

TearsofLove92

Posts: 37
Joined: 8/6/2009
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In my life, I don't draw a line between this world and the "normal" one. I usually take control of a situation, and it used to because people around me were incapable of doing so.

These days, after doing it for so long, I realized that when I choose something for me, or a group of people, it usually works better because I analyze and think everything I do BEFORE I do it, where as most of the people who I have met just jumped in to something and hoped for the best.

I never force anybody to do anything they don't want to, however, and I think in general people appreciate somebody pointing out a general direction for them to go in, as long as they know the results will benefit them, and not just the other party.

(in reply to LillyoftheVally)

Post #: 2

RE: Imposing your kink on others - 8/24/2009 12:56:11 PM

Aileen1968

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From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
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Bending someone over in a restaurant and spanking them is inappropriate.
Him ordering my dinner for me is appropriate and a way to assert his domination over me in subtle, acceptable ways.
The remote controlled vibrating egg helps too.

There are many ways to achieve the dynamic without being "in your face" kinky.

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RE: Imposing your kink on others - 8/24/2009 12:57:24 PM

LillyoftheVally

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Joined: 7/22/2009
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I meant less you and your partner engaging in kink (though there is something lovely about having your food ordered for you) I meant more how you treat people that you are not in a formalised relationship with

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'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

(in reply to Aileen1968)

Post #: 4

RE: Imposing your kink on others - 8/24/2009 1:00:01 PM

Aileen1968

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From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
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Oh...in that case...it would probably depend on the person involved.

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RE: Imposing your kink on others - 8/24/2009 1:01:07 PM

NuevaVida

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I'm not sure I understood the question.

If you mean, do we "sense" someone out in the world (whom we don't know) is dominant or submissve and do we treat them as such, my answer is:

I respond to people based on how I perceive them. It takes a lot for me to feel submissively toward someone, whether or not they proclaim to be dominant. I don't relate to your phrase "treat them as such" regarding deciding someone is dominant or submissive. I treat people relatively the same, no matter what path they walk and no matter what orientation they claim to be.

If you mean does my owner treat me as his property out in public, my answer is:

Yes, but in a way that is socially acceptable. He orders for me. He keeps me close when we're walking, etc. But I'm not kneeling in restaurants (yet?! heh) or being slapped in the grocery store.

Edited: OP clarified while I was writing this reply. Thank you!

< Message edited by NuevaVida -- 8/24/2009 1:02:13 PM >

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RE: Imposing your kink on others - 8/24/2009 1:02:23 PM

Acer49

Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally

So as not to derail the other thread with this question.

I have seen it a fair bit both in real life and on these boards where someone decides that another is dominant or submissive and treats them as such a bit like sixth sense 'I see domme people' but can it go to far?

We talk about the issue of consent frequently, that is what distances us from abuse, we choose our roles and who to implement them with. Therefore is treating another person out in the real world as a dominant or submissive crossing the line of consent? Or is it ok? Does this change dependent on context, the age old joke of being a slave at work.

Is it unrealistic to always set up consent? Is consent sometimes implied due to the social roles or does it become oppression?

Treating someone who is outside your dynamic as either a Dominant or submissive is crossing the line. Consent is never implied and must always given. it is SSC, not SSC sometimes

_____________________________

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
Harvey Fierstein

(in reply to LillyoftheVally)

Post #: 7

RE: Imposing your kink on others - 8/24/2009 1:06:59 PM

LadyJulieAnn

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Joined: 6/29/2005
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If a guy rushes to open a door for me, or offers to carry something if I am struggling, or even calls me "Ma'am" in the "vanilla" world, how does one distinguish between a polite guy and a sub trying to impose a D/s dynamic? It would be quite difficult for me to figure it out, but I might also take note of it because I am a Domme. No conset needed in that situation, because it blends seamlessly into everyday life. It might be a curiosity to me, but I'm not going to make it into a "consent" thing.

It's an odd thing, I think, because it's really just those of us in the lifestyle that would think of this, correct? Someone not involved in BDSM would possibly just see an assertive person vs. a shy person. We can't be responsible for what someone else is thinking or the motivation behind their behavior towards us.

I'm having trouble getting all my thoughts together on this one!

< Message edited by LadyJulieAnn -- 8/24/2009 1:08:50 PM >

(in reply to LillyoftheVally)

Post #: 8

RE: Imposing your kink on others - 8/24/2009 1:07:10 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
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You can lead a kink to water - but you can't make him drink!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

or - just because you think you are being kinky, doesn't mean that others won't think you are just being bossy.

(in reply to LillyoftheVally)

Post #: 9

RE: Imposing your kink on others - 8/24/2009 1:09:04 PM

Lockit

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I ask if they wish to do this or that. Then before I collar (playtime collar) them and do this and that, I ask again and make it part of what we are doing. The only force used around me is what has been established and after the agreement.

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RE: Imposing your kink on others - 8/24/2009 1:09:33 PM

LadyJulieAnn

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Yes- that explains it well, kiwisub12!

(in reply to kiwisub12)

Post #: 11

RE: Imposing your kink on others - 8/24/2009 1:09:45 PM

slavekal

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Joined: 7/20/2004
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All depends on what you mean exactly. Got an example?

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(in reply to LillyoftheVally)

Post #: 12

RE: Imposing your kink on others - 8/24/2009 1:11:49 PM

LillyoftheVally

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Joined: 7/22/2009
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This thread was sparked by the 'fantasizing about my sister' one, and the notion that he should behave submissively towards her to 'test the water', I didn't want to derail that thread with this question and think its an interesting one in more contexts than that alone.

_____________________________

'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

(in reply to slavekal)

Post #: 13

RE: Imposing your kink on others - 8/24/2009 1:22:39 PM

daintydimples

Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
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I'm with tearsoflove, I am who I am, regardless of the situation. I don't impose my kink on others, but there is a limit to how far I will go to shelter other adults from who I really am.

For instance, if a gentleman sees me laden with packages and opens a door for me, I say, "Thank you Sir." I'm not confusing him with my dominant, it's just my way of acknowledging his help. I do this routinely in situations where I feel someone has gone "above and beyond."

On the other hand, in situations where someone attempts to bully me, I can assure you I can get right in their face and bully right back. Am I asserting my dominance? Hell yeah. Some situations call for it.

I think you can only *impose* your will on someone who is extremely passive, and then I'd find that behavior predatory, no matter how much kink was or was not involved.

_____________________________

Some soften by the forced reflection that comes from loss; others harden. Which are you?

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Post #: 14

RE: Imposing your kink on others - 8/24/2009 1:23:34 PM

LaTigresse

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Whether or not I saw behaving submissively as imposing, would depend upon what "behaving submissively" meant.

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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to LillyoftheVally)

Post #: 15

RE: Imposing your kink on others - 8/24/2009 1:26:47 PM

FullCircle

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Joined: 11/24/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally
This thread was sparked by the 'fantasizing about my sister' one, and the notion that he should behave submissively towards her to 'test the water', I didn't want to derail that thread with this question and think its an interesting one in more contexts than that alone.

He is dicing with fire.

I'd imagine this could be disastrous and could shatter all illusions that the sister has about her older brother.

Besides what then comes next? Anything that comes next even non sexual would change the whole relationship and she would always see the things he did for her as being due to his kink rather than only because she is his sister i.e. she would perceive him as getting something out of it other than just acting out of brotherly love. Then next would come the resentment that all actions are ultimately carried out due to pure selfishness.

There is no positive ending there.

_____________________________

∞ ﮒuקּƹɼ ƾɛϰưϫԼ Ƨωιϯϲћ.

(in reply to LillyoftheVally)

Post #: 16

RE: Imposing your kink on others - 8/24/2009 1:33:02 PM

dSmoke

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Joined: 5/6/2008
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I find ordering food for my possibly vanilla date a good way of testing the depth that submissive quality I so often go for.

There are really 'Type A' Domme people, who have to be in control everywhere they go; some even do it unconsciously. It's quite rare though, and dangerous; these people often tip over the line into abuse.

Many more people, I think, learn dominance from having to take control as TearsOfLove says. I guess a lot of these people learn to love it too, and go on to make great Masters, tops, sadists et al.

So personally, I pretty much always take charge of non-kink situations, because I'm smarter than most of the people I meet. Not as great a proportion as I used to think, but most, still. When I get that receptive, accepting vibe, I love it, and spirited competition almost as much.

Too often I get passive aggressive resistance, and these are the people I leave to their own devices, as much as possible. If I have to work with them, I sometimes try encouraging them to take control, if only so that they learn that they can't.

In this way, we build up a pattern of dominance/submission relationships, by a kind of implied consent. I guess WIITWD is that we make a fetish of these dynamics (amoungst the million other things that we fetishize. ;~))

(in reply to LillyoftheVally)

Post #: 17

RE: Imposing your kink on others - 8/24/2009 1:37:41 PM

FullCircle

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Joined: 11/24/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: dSmoke
I find ordering food for my possibly vanilla date a good way of testing the depth that submissive quality I so often go for.

That wouldn't work with vegetarians unless you are a vegetarian I suspect.

All be careful you don't kill people by ordering them things containing peanuts.

_____________________________

∞ ﮒuקּƹɼ ƾɛϰưϫԼ Ƨωιϯϲћ.

(in reply to dSmoke)

Post #: 18

RE: Imposing your kink on others - 8/24/2009 1:50:06 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

My answer on this is that it's going to depend on the context. Where are you? What situation are you in? Who else are you dealing with?

I'm very much a whole picture kind of person. I want to look past the immediate. I don't just want to drop the pebble in the water. I want to know what's going to happen when I cause the ripples.

For example, I absolutely love resistance play. I love the screaming, crying, begging for mercy, absolute fear and terror that goes with it. Even in public venues where many types of play are acceptable, it may not be the best idea to conduct these scenes. I might be imposing My kink on others that may not wish to have that kind of exposure. Ergo, this is why I don't often do these kinds of scenes in public. That's not Me hiding that particular kink. It's Me being sensitive enough about those around Me who might be negatively impacted.

_____________________________

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Post #: 19

RE: Imposing your kink on others - 8/24/2009 2:23:31 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally

So as not to derail the other thread with this question.

I have seen it a fair bit both in real life and on these boards where someone decides that another is dominant or submissive and treats them as such a bit like sixth sense 'I see domme people' but can it go to far?

We talk about the issue of consent frequently, that is what distances us from abuse, we choose our roles and who to implement them with. Therefore is treating another person out in the real world as a dominant or submissive crossing the line of consent? Or is it ok? Does this change dependent on context, the age old joke of being a slave at work.

Is it unrealistic to always set up consent? Is consent sometimes implied due to the social roles or does it become oppression?

I don't know. How do you treat another submissive or dominant?

I call men Sir and women Ma'am all the time.
Does that mean I am automatically assigning them 'roles' without consent?
Or does it simply mean that I am showing a bit of courtesy?

I meet men and women in RL all the time that according to these boards would list them as submissive.
I call them Sir and Ma'am.
Does this mean that I am 'insulting' them by not openly acknowledging their submissiveness?
Or does it mean that I am simply, once again, being courteous?

Anyone I come into contact with; no matter who they are or where I happened to make the acquaintance at; is treated in the same way. Depending of the context of the meeting; they are treated either with courtesy; or they are shown a side of me that they will forever wish they had never seen.

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If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

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Post #: 20

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