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My Weekly Letter - 8/22/2009 8:45:02 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		I have this little task required of me every Saturday night. I am to write a letter to my partner (an email more exactly). In that letter, I am to talk about all those things that are just to hard to say when chat every night. It is my time and space to admit to things, ask questions, express emotions and even doubts. I am to give it full strength, uncensored. It's not a time for prettying up or skirting the truth or issues.

This practice started after going through some very rough patches a few months ago. We weren't fighting or close to the end. We were just going through some growing pains of getting to a new level in our relationship. Twice in that time, I found myself come to a point where I just had to have it out with the "paper". I couldn't manage to say what I needed when we talked, but I had to get it out. I knew that letting all these things sit and simmer inside was no good. I just put it out there with no real idea what would happen. It was scary. I had been less than honest with myself and him about a lot of things. I had flat out denied or rejected notions that I knew full well were very alive and well in my thoughts. I had a lot just locked away and there was no longer any reason for it.

It has evolved from that very daunting and frightening, self inflicted task to one that is a comfort and prescribed by my partner to help us both stay close by. I don't have to be in some crisis mode to feel pushed to do this. I don't have to hold on to things. I can just let it all go to him each and every week. Sometimes, I still find that I am sitting on a matter that is hard to face. I take the gulp and do it anyway and admit to how difficult it is. He takes it all in and helps me work through each thing I mention, expand upon it, and even use it to further what we are doing.

We talk so much about communication being key, but it came to mind that different means of communication work for different people for different things. I am interested in how folks open those doors on various kinds of information. I know there are some things I can only say face to face, others that seem impossible to ever say aloud, and some that even the space of a one sided letter it is still almost impossible to speak of at all. I don't think I have a specific question, but just curious how others handle this thing we call communication.

lovingpet



Profile   Post #: 1
RE: My Weekly Letter - 8/23/2009 1:22:39 AM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline 		It has been helpful to me in the past, but there comes a time when it can hinder the next (to my mind) crucial step of getting comfortable with speaking it out loud when face to face. 

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to lovingpet)
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RE: My Weekly Letter - 8/23/2009 1:39:26 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline 		I agree with both of you: OP and catize.
Writing to a significant other is one medium for growing closer in the early stages or when separated. Writing has become common place since emails and I think for that reason the use of words, vocabulary, forms of expression and even the weight and meaning of words has diminished considerably over the past very few years.
(Students have a far more limited vocabulary, don't 'do' punctuation and cannot access the subtleties of tenses. But I digress.)
I find writing my main means of catharsis, insight and emotional release. When I was first published it was for a publisher who believed inthe power of words to heal mental health and alleviated depression.
If I didn't write, both fiction and academically, I know I would get sick.
However: there is no substitute for real time communication face to face. It ellicits different content. There isn't time to revise and reword. There isn't time to censor. Thee isn't time to plan or rehearse in real time as there is with words. Sometimes writing can be a poor substitute for communication. Smetimes it can take on a dangerous illusionary quality all of its own.
However: where I am at now? I personally would find it impossible to have a relationship with someone who did not understand and value my writing first and foremost.


_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
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To my stalker:
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(in reply to catize)
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RE: My Weekly Letter - 8/23/2009 4:30:23 AM   
DomThoughts


Posts: 50
Joined: 11/29/2006
Status: offline 		I have always had an affinity with the written word, I would like to think I can convey an idea in writing much more precisely than I've ever been capable of in speech. (not that I'm not a fluent speaker) I do a lot of writing and fully appreciate your comment about being with someone who understood my fascination with the written word Prinsexx. I do enjoy being with somebody who can communicate a thought in writing, I have always had an ability to read between the lines of such discussions and have found them invaluable in maintaining a relationship.

Maybe that is the side that gets lost sometimes, while it is important to be able to write such feelings and thoughts - and that is not always an easy thing to do - it is equally important to be able to read what is being said. Words are very often worth considerably more than the sum of their meanings.

(in reply to Prinsexx)
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RE: My Weekly Letter - 8/23/2009 4:34:58 AM   
DomImus


Posts: 2004
Joined: 3/17/2009
Status: offline 		As long as it is working for both of them ("He takes it all in and helps me work through each thing I mention, expand upon it, and even use it to further what we are doing.") I don't really see a potential pitfall down the road. Everyone can't do face to face all the time about everything - even long term. It's not the next logical step all the time. It might also be an advantage for him, as well. Reading written thoughts in this manner gives you a chance to digest them and formulate your own response - luxuries you sometimes don't have in face to face discussion. Someone once told me a relationship is like a discussion - a long discussion. Never stop talking. That can come in many forms. 

(in reply to lovingpet)
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RE: My Weekly Letter - 8/23/2009 5:16:44 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		hm, honest with youreself, even in written form, even when its for youre eyes only - i can lie to myself and fudge the facts all day long. 

ive been talking to a guy just recently and you would not believe the stuff im telling Him, private little things you wouldnt dream of telling anyone.  im waiting for Him to reel back and run for the hills, He hasnt yet.  but when He mentioned a journal and for me to start one i went - eek (to myself).

im not sure why - sorry, lol)) - just empathising, when and if i come up with something ill let you know.  in the meantime - im with you on this.  how honest to do you go when you know that youre honesty might go too far.  its different when youre whittering away and something pops out, you cant delete that and so there is more forgiveness when we whitter.  when you write you can delete, you can edit and so what you send has been sent with youre personal stamp of approval - maybe thats it.

anyway, good luck. x

(in reply to DomImus)
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RE: My Weekly Letter - 8/23/2009 5:58:03 AM   
wandersalone


Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline 		I am in the early stages of seeing someone and he has already noticed that I use email to mention subjects that I find confronting or difficult.  I generally use it as a way of broaching a subject and we then talk about it either on the phone or when we see each other next.  An important part of me continuing to feel able to voice my worries, fears and questions is that so far he has thanked me for being honest and also actually says that each of my questions have been legitimate and he can understand why I wanted to ask it (even when they truthfully have been very silly).

Like others have mentioned, I find writing cathartic and it also helps me to see issues objectively, writing it down whether online or on paper somehow literally puts a distance between me and the issue and that can be a huge relief.


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(in reply to lally2)
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RE: My Weekly Letter - 8/23/2009 6:48:48 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

hm, honest with youreself, even in written form, even when its for youre eyes only - i can lie to myself and fudge the facts all day long. 

ive been talking to a guy just recently and you would not believe the stuff im telling Him, private little things you wouldnt dream of telling anyone.  im waiting for Him to reel back and run for the hills, He hasnt yet.  but when He mentioned a journal and for me to start one i went - eek (to myself).

im not sure why - sorry, lol)) - just empathising, when and if i come up with something ill let you know.  in the meantime - im with you on this.  how honest to do you go when you know that youre honesty might go too far.  its different when youre whittering away and something pops out, you cant delete that and so there is more forgiveness when we whitter.  when you write you can delete, you can edit and so what you send has been sent with youre personal stamp of approval - maybe thats it.

anyway, good luck. x

Dear lally:
Sent mail ages ago btw will write again...
there are no steps or stages to honesty imo. Honesty just 'is'....
and I actually think honesty is very erotic.
If most people actually spilled the beans it would be amazing.
Just too much defensiveness and wasted time.....


_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: My Weekly Letter - 8/23/2009 7:29:23 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

Dear lally:
Sent mail ages ago btw will write again...


sorry, didnt i write back, ill go and look for it. - .  anyway smooches and hugs, love the smiley happy pic. xx

(in reply to Prinsexx)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: My Weekly Letter - 8/23/2009 7:37:56 AM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		I find that, for myself, I tend to go to the written word when something is new or I am having too much trouble with the idea for some reason. It is like being able to physically "see" an idea laid out. Do these words represent what is in my brain? Revising isn't really about censoring myself or tweaking things to be more "acceptable" somehow, but to make my thoughts as clear as possible, transparent even. I try to get my writing distilled to the point that I couldn't back out of what I said even if I wanted to, and believe me, I want to often. Often, it is a chance for him to observe my thinking process too. I may not yet be at a place where I even understand what I am thinking. I can think of a subject or two that he is currently watching me meander through my own attempts to get a handle on what it is I am talking about and what I think about it.

It just happens to be helping for now. I'd be willing to bet if he thought I was hiding behind this in order to not have to talk about things face to face, it would end immediately. He constantly raises the bar on me like that. We don't get to be face to face very often, so this closes some of the gap for now. One thing for sure, he has determined every single time when those next steps would occur. Progress happens on his timetable. I just run and pant to keep up!

lovingpet

(in reply to catize)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: My Weekly Letter - 8/23/2009 7:47:33 AM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		He absolutely loves to read what I write for him. He knows that there is a lot behind my words. He understands me at a level that doesn't leave room for manipulation on my part. I can write whatever I'd like, but I know he will call me on anything that doesn't resonate honesty to him. He has demanded more depth on a subject in my letters because it was clear to him I held back. Usually, I had simply stopped writing on that subject because the weight of trying to confront it all was just crushing. I just let it be for that moment in time knowing full well he would pick it up where I dropped it.

He is far more apt to bring something new to me face to face. He reads my emotions like an open book. My reactions speak volumes to him. My words tend to verify it all. I have found that when I speak in those moments, it is far more likely that I will not say what he knows is true by these other means. I almost have to do it. He has come to know the more distance there is between how I react and what I say, the deeper the chord he has struck in me. That is his reward for taking the time to know me so well.

lovingpet

(in reply to Prinsexx)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: My Weekly Letter - 8/23/2009 7:55:07 AM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		Part of it for me is that I do have some trouble putting thoughts together to express them out loud. I have been this way most of my life, but my health has made it so it is even more pronounced now. I think that is part of why I really do well with this assignment. I can get things turned back around on the page that would have come out my mouth in a jumbled mess. I think he more or less decided on this course of action after attempting to listen to me last time for over 20 minutes and having very little of it make sense or even mean what I meant it to. I gave up and he was a bit frustrated, but gentle with me because he knew I was trying.

I think that is a very important thing...that ability to read beyond what is written. I think that can only happen when the reader knows the writer very intimately. He swears he can hear me saying the thinks as he reads it. He says he can visualize my expressions and how I would be behaving as I said them. He can fill in all that "lost" information because of his depth of knowledge of me. It takes written communication to a whole new level. And before anyone asks, yes, he has been right on every single time whether I was happy about it or not!

lovingpet

(in reply to DomThoughts)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: My Weekly Letter - 8/23/2009 7:57:43 AM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		I agree that this will probably be a part of our relationship for the long term. It is just a tool that works in some "tough" spots. Over time, I imagine what I find difficult now will not be so, but those things will be replaced by new struggles. I am of the opinion that whatever it takes to keep those lines of commuication open is a very, very good thing.

lovingpet

(in reply to DomImus)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: My Weekly Letter - 8/23/2009 8:00:38 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		lovingpet, I think the letter is an absolutely great idea. I believe that if two people are going to truly click, there has to be a free flow of thoughts, emotions, hopes, fears, etc.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to lovingpet)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: My Weekly Letter - 8/23/2009 8:02:33 AM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		I don't really approach this assignment that way. I am painfully aware that this is not about me and that it is for HIS eyes. It makes me alert to my temptations to be less than honest. I can lie to myself, but I cannot fool him. He knows me far too well. Further, I see it as doing less than my best on a task he has set if I cheat at it. If I don't squirm in my seat at least once when I am working on my letter, then I'm not doing it right.

lovingpet

(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: My Weekly Letter - 8/23/2009 8:38:24 AM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

We talk so much about communication being key, but it came to mind that different means of communication work for different people for different things. I am interested in how folks open those doors on various kinds of information. I know there are some things I can only say face to face, others that seem impossible to ever say aloud, and some that even the space of a one sided letter it is still almost impossible to speak of at all. I don't think I have a specific question, but just curious how others handle this thing we call communication.

lovingpet


this is a wonderful task and one i have done myself in the past. of course i enjoy writing and find communication in this manner effortless. i can see how someone averse to this could feel uncomfortable or pressured. having said that, i love the release i receive when writing. it is almost like a purge, a gust of air comes out and i generally feel a greater sense of peace when i'm done.

in previous situations i've journaled on a daily basis. i was free to choose what i would discuss. it was truly my forum and enabled me to share those things that may be overlooked in conversation or simply put on the back burner when more pressing matters were present. i see it as a useful tool, particularly when addressing sensitive subjects and i'm most appreciative of the insight doing so can provide.

my preference going forward would be mutual. while writing daily may not be possible, the weekly notes such as yours would be a valuable element that could greatly enrich the relationship and communication efforts overall.

porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

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Profile   Post #: 16
RE: My Weekly Letter - 8/23/2009 9:47:51 AM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		I think that is part of it for me too. Some things are just so scary in the confines of our own heads. When it finally makes it to the page, it isn't nearly the monster that we thought was under the bed. I can't say this has been true for everything I have found myself writing lately, but for a great majority it really has brought down my fear and be more objective.

lovingpet

(in reply to wandersalone)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: My Weekly Letter - 8/23/2009 9:50:37 AM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

hm, honest with youreself, even in written form, even when its for youre eyes only - i can lie to myself and fudge the facts all day long. 

ive been talking to a guy just recently and you would not believe the stuff im telling Him, private little things you wouldnt dream of telling anyone.  im waiting for Him to reel back and run for the hills, He hasnt yet.  but when He mentioned a journal and for me to start one i went - eek (to myself).

im not sure why - sorry, lol)) - just empathising, when and if i come up with something ill let you know.  in the meantime - im with you on this.  how honest to do you go when you know that youre honesty might go too far.  its different when youre whittering away and something pops out, you cant delete that and so there is more forgiveness when we whitter.  when you write you can delete, you can edit and so what you send has been sent with youre personal stamp of approval - maybe thats it.

anyway, good luck. x

Dear lally:
Sent mail ages ago btw will write again...
there are no steps or stages to honesty imo. Honesty just 'is'....
and I actually think honesty is very erotic.
If most people actually spilled the beans it would be amazing.
Just too much defensiveness and wasted time.....



I know honesty is definitely an erotic thing for us. I love that he will just tell me all the secret and dark desires he has for me. He loves it when my honesty comes at the price of squirming, blushing, vulnerable transparency. It is one of the rare delights of this world in my mind and a delicious one at that!

lovingpet

(in reply to Prinsexx)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: My Weekly Letter - 8/23/2009 9:52:54 AM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

lovingpet, I think the letter is an absolutely great idea. I believe that if two people are going to truly click, there has to be a free flow of thoughts, emotions, hopes, fears, etc.


I have really appreciated having this new way to open myself up to him. It is but a tool, yet still one I that I find a great deal of comfort in for myself. I know he is enjoying getting those peeks into my mind that have helped him better lead me.

lovingpet

(in reply to Level)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: My Weekly Letter - 8/23/2009 10:02:58 AM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		I know I have found it to be a great thing, for myself, given my particular quirks and limitations. It really allows us to get to issues and desires that I can't really access any other way. He has left it an open assignment and does not plan to ask me to address anything in particular in any of my letters. It is just a place for me to speak my mind and not just be heard, but be understood and accepted at a level I have been rather uneasy about going in the past.

The honesty in some cases is brutal. Sometimes it is a matter of me having to stare my own inclinations in the face. Other times, I have had to come clean about things going on that troubled me. I am sure more than a few times it was less than pleasant for him to read what I had to say, but at least he could count on it being the truth. That's the key to me, it is a safe place for all this stuff. He has yet to take me to task over something I said in them. We have certainly talked about things, but never was it an accusatory or hurtful thing.

He has been very practical in setting this task for me. He knows I have a very hectic life between family, health, and much more, so he set it for once a week. When I need to adjust the day, I can. He has also set it due on a day when I have extra help at home since it will most likely be written that day. He has considered my everyday life in this and that means a lot. I would love to get such a letter from him as well, but I don't know if I am quite ready for that! LOL

lovingpet


(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 20
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