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switch, fake, or confused? - 8/17/2009 10:35:05 AM   
jasonslv


Posts: 14
Joined: 7/3/2009
Status: offline 		So I've been reading more and more of the discussions here and talking to some people on the site, but I'm still left wondering...

First of all, I just want to apologize..

I came here, like many new and curious men, wanting to peek into a different world and see if my fantasies were simply that, or something more. So yes, I have trolled, and I'm sorry for that...but I learned about what real, good, bad, and boring profiles look like by doing so. And I've talked to people under false pretenses...no more than talking, but dishonest nonetheless. I can't say I regret it because it was a lesson, as well, but I am sorry for being selfish in those ways.

What I haven't yet learned though, is what to call myself. I have lived a vanilla life for 23 years and have fantasized about being dominated by a woman. What I'm now realizing though, is that those desires seem to lay solely in the bedroom. In real life, I am independent and a leader. I want to help people grow and I enjoy structuring others' days to help in that way. While I have no "bdsm" experience, I've advised people on careers and how to get jobs, have worked in a jail, an institute for troubled girls, and have taught. I feel like these experiences have helped to make me a dominant person that can effectively structure someone else's life. On the other hand, my girlfriends have all been strong-minded women. And I do like that.

So...I have to admit, after writing this, I feel more confused actually haha. The point is, I feel that I may be 90% dom in real life, but 70% submissive in the bedroom. So does that just make me a mismatch in every which way?


Profile   Post #: 1
RE: switch, fake, or confused? - 8/17/2009 10:54:15 AM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

The myth that "submissive men" are somehow weaker, more quiet or totally without ambition/drive and leadership is just that - a myth.  Regardless, no one can define what works for you and your partner, and the decision of "how much dominance is in your S&M relationship" is something to be worked out with your future girlfriend/wife.

I consider my marriage to be fairly femdom-light when it comes to protocol.  However, it's 100% femdom in orientation with regards to kink (I say when and where, always) and sex (I control the orgasms, both his and mine, and get final say on all matters sexual - that's not to say I don't appease him if he's horny and I am too busy or distracted, but ultimately, I am the one with final say). 

And even though we carry on as equals, for the most part, and he's extremely ambitious, outspoken, has strong opinions and not a submissive "appearing" bone in his body to outsiders, at the end of the day, in matters of the world and our relationship, what I say goes.  Whether it's money, plans, whatever - I wear the pants in the relationship.  That is true whether he's debating with me about a cost for the household or he's kneeling in front of me because I am having a 'femdom moment.'

I rely on his booksmarts and financial common sense to manage our money, because he's better at it. I *rely* on him to tell me, no, Akasha, we can't go buy a new car on a whim because you think it would be "fun."  But we both know, ultimately, if I say "I don't care what you think, it's my money, I earned, I am getting the car," then we'd do it.  But because I respect his opinion, I listen to him.  Because our financial matters are in good order, I continue to trust him. Left to my own devices, before I had him in my life, I spent way too much money because I tend to just to what I want when someone doesn't slow me down and say, "Wait. Really. Do you *really* need to do that?"

He wants me to be happy - more than he wants anything for himself.  He has a submissive, generous nature, but he's not a pushover.  When he wants me to be happy, sometimes that means my *momentary happiness* (instant gratification) must be separted from my *long term* happiness, and he sometimes has to be fairly strong toward me to get his point across. 

Sometimes I ignore him.  Because I run the show.  I got a hot tub, he thought it was too soon.  I didn't want to wait any longer.  He gave in, there was no fight.  But there are many things he told me flat out, "That's not a good idea," even though I wanted to stomp my femdom feet and say "No, I am in charge, we do this NOW" -- and if he wasn't like that, I'd be in a world of debt with a "yes ma'am" husband and a miserable life.

Akasha


_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to jasonslv)
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RE: switch, fake, or confused? - 8/17/2009 10:58:45 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

So...I have to admit, after writing this, I feel more confused actually haha. The point is, I feel that I may be 90% dom in real life, but 70% submissive in the bedroom. So does that just make me a mismatch in every which way?

At least in my mind, that's not confusing at all. I call that a bottom (sometimes a bedroom sub). And for the record, "the bedroom" is still real life... it's just a limited segment of it. The fact that my interests are primarily outside the bedroom and your interests inside it is, perhaps, a curious point of conversation between us, but has nothing to do with being more or less authentic, real, or anything else.

Here, in case this helps you any, I'm Carol's master in all respects. But I like bottoming in the bedroom more than topping... or, at least, I'm switch in the bedroom -- basically the exact opposite of you. Yeah, for a while I felt like that somehow made me an outsider to the club of "real doms". I got over it.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to jasonslv)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: switch, fake, or confused? - 8/17/2009 10:59:20 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		Why call yourself anything?  Describe what you do, and why you think you'd be a good addition to someone else's life.

Virtually everyone thinks there aren't enough roles to choose from on the CollarMe profile, including me, so you're just as screwed as everyone else there.  So in terms of the profile, choose something, and then explain why you chose it in a journal entry.  In terms of who you "are" in "reality," approach women you are attracted to, and put your best foot forward.  (Online, and in real life.)  My own interests and limits have changed, depending on the person I'm involved with, and the same might be even more true for you, if you have never dated someone who was actively kink-interested.

Good luck.

< Message edited by RedMagic1 -- 8/17/2009 11:00:03 AM >

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to jasonslv)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: switch, fake, or confused? - 8/17/2009 11:00:30 AM   
Hardbutt


Posts: 78
Joined: 3/16/2005
Status: offline 		Welcome! No, you are not a mismatch from reality, just from some image of fantasy. You are like so many others here that you will find that you are not unique but then again, not desirable. Getting away from the labels and getting around to finding someone compatible with you in everyday life is your challenge. If your description is very well defined, then your only hope is that the one person looking for that description will be impressed with everything else about you. This may or may not be your goal. Some are looking for something that they fantasize about, some are looking for someone with whom to share their fantasy.

You can experiment, but be honest with yourself and others. That why when someone is offended by you (and it WILL happen) you can be free of guilt. There are so many points of view here that you should not try to change yourself to fit one of them. And do keep in mind that the people who participate in forums are not the real cross section of who participates in the lifestyle. That advice applies to any forum, not just this one... I have spent much time supplying well-researched answers to technical problems (on automotive sites) only to have several trolls belittle the giving of advice and ruin things for all the others. Trolls are only amused by your anger, not your sharing, and by far many more introverts spend their free time on forums than others who get along better with live people.

Don't get caught up in any labels just because someone else thinks you need one. Be yourself and you will become valuable to someone who needs you. Your last sentence tells more about you than a check box, and you are not alone. Be honest in your profile and you will save a lot of time and energy. It may take longer to find a partner, but you will find better ones if you also fit their expectations.

Be warned, by being '70% submissive in the bedroom' you will be called out by many. Check them off your list, they are not for you and saved you time by telling you up front! Good luck and have fun.

(in reply to jasonslv)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: switch, fake, or confused? - 8/17/2009 11:09:44 AM   
jasonslv


Posts: 14
Joined: 7/3/2009
Status: offline
quote:

Here, in case this helps you any, I'm Carol's master in all respects. But I like bottoming in the bedroom more than topping... or, at least, I'm switch in the bedroom -- basically the exact opposite of you. Yeah, for a while I felt like that somehow made me an outsider to the club of "real doms"
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527


i actually think i feel similar to that. dominant outside the bedroom, but a bottom in the bedroom. is that the same as what you were describing?

(in reply to leadership527)
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RE: switch, fake, or confused? - 8/17/2009 11:12:55 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Hardbutt
And do keep in mind that the people who participate in forums are not the real cross section of who participates in the lifestyle. That advice applies to any forum, not just this one... I have spent much time supplying well-researched answers to technical problems (on automotive sites) only to have several trolls belittle the giving of advice and ruin things for all the others. Trolls are only amused by your anger, not your sharing, and by far many more introverts spend their free time on forums than others who get along better with live people.

I've seen you give this advice before, and I agree it has validity on some threads.  But, I have to ask you, on this thread started by jasonslv, which posters are the ones with bad social skills in real life?  Akasha?  Jeff/leadership?  Me?  Perhaps none of us is part of the "real cross-section" of those who participate in "the lifestyle" -- I must confess I'm not sure what you meant by that, so it might be true.

It sometimes seems as though you only know the tune to one song.  I think it limits your ability to give good advice.


_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to Hardbutt)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: switch, fake, or confused? - 8/17/2009 11:22:12 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		Kind of. I'm dominant everywhere.. that is to say, not just outside my house, but also inside with Carol. I control everything from her food intake to her hair color to who she sleeps and who her friends are. In the bedroom, it's much more mixed but I suspect I lean towards the bottom end of things. Although, now that I think of it, owning a slave girl is certainly changing that too. I mean seriously, it's kind of a shame to own a sex slave and not at least occasionally get into some serious "having my way with her" moments. It'd be like owning a ferrari and never taking it to a track.



_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to jasonslv)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: switch, fake, or confused? - 8/17/2009 11:56:13 AM   
jasonslv


Posts: 14
Joined: 7/3/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

Kind of. I'm dominant everywhere.. that is to say, not just outside my house, but also inside with Carol. I control everything from her food intake to her hair color to who she sleeps and who her friends are. In the bedroom, it's much more mixed but I suspect I lean towards the bottom end of things. Although, now that I think of it, owning a slave girl is certainly changing that too. I mean seriously, it's kind of a shame to own a sex slave and not at least occasionally get into some serious "having my way with her" moments. It'd be like owning a ferrari and never taking it to a track.




yeah, i think i did a poor job of communicating how i feel/think. what you are describing is exactly what i am looking for.  actually, in my professional and social life, i am not so dominant. i choose my fights wisely, and do not need or desire to be the center of attention. but in my love life, i do want that and i do want to control the small aspects of her life in a productive manner. in the bedroom however, i enjoy giving up control and having a chance to be played with rather than to play with her.

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: switch, fake, or confused? - 8/17/2009 12:04:51 PM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		Whatever you decide to call yourself, be up front about all aspects of your personality, and desires, and you should be fine.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to jasonslv)
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RE: switch, fake, or confused? - 8/17/2009 12:16:19 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		Well then, you're no more of a mismatch than I am... Of course, that might not be huge consolation. Then again, I get enough, "you don't happen to have a single brother" emails that perhaps all hope isn't lost for you.

Honestly Jason, from what I have observed, a large swath of submissives respond very, very positively to a message of loving, nurturing control. In fact, a large swath of all women apparently do. Don't believe me? Go pickup a random romance novel from the grocery store shelves... you know... the kind that are vastly popular with women. Just pick one at random, there's no need to look at titles or cover pictures. Now go read it with a careful eye towards picking up on themes like "dominance" and "ownership" and "love".

It's not my sense that if Carol were to die and I started looking here on collarme that there' be a shortage of interested parties. I think you're just fine and yeah, this is at least one of the right places for you.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to jasonslv)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: switch, fake, or confused? - 8/17/2009 12:17:01 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		No offense here, hon, but you're 23.  You've got your whole life to figure out what those labels mean and how they apply to you.  Why not take the time to understand who you are, what you want, and who you want it with?

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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Profile   Post #: 12
RE: switch, fake, or confused? - 8/17/2009 1:57:10 PM   
lameduck13


Posts: 64
Joined: 4/5/2008
Status: offline 		Using quick reply:

I'm a male submissive in all aspects of my private life once that door closes on my work life and i unwind I get the desires to be submissive. Now that being said, I am a self employed, self driven, and strong willed (some say stubborn) male. I work for myself, by myself, so outside my private life I'd say I'm 110% dom but in the private sanctions of my personal life I'm a hard line Submissive. I read some where not sure where that strong willed males who have a lot of responsibility, and are hard working are more likely to be submissive in bed, but I've found that you can't trust what you read.

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RE: switch, fake, or confused? - 8/17/2009 2:58:56 PM   
poeticfreak


Posts: 80
Joined: 6/1/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

Why call yourself anything?  Describe what you do, and why you think you'd be a good addition to someone else's life.

Virtually everyone thinks there aren't enough roles to choose from on the CollarMe profile, including me, so you're just as screwed as everyone else there.  So in terms of the profile, choose something, and then explain why you chose it in a journal entry.  In terms of who you "are" in "reality," approach women you are attracted to, and put your best foot forward.  (Online, and in real life.)  My own interests and limits have changed, depending on the person I'm involved with, and the same might be even more true for you, if you have never dated someone who was actively kink-interested.

Good luck.


not to hijack the thread or anything but you just made an idea pop into my head.  perhaps we should lobby cm to add a confused box to the list of orientations, for those who are new or those who've been at it a while and still have no clue what designation fits them best but is still honest


_____________________________

I have believed the best of every man. And find that to believe is enough to make a bad man show him at his best, or even a good man swings his lantern higher.- yeats

(in reply to RedMagic1)
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RE: switch, fake, or confused? - 8/17/2009 3:01:20 PM   
poeticfreak


Posts: 80
Joined: 6/1/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

Whatever you decide to call yourself, be up front about all aspects of your personality, and desires, and you should be fine.


excellent advice, sometimes we forget that people aren't mindreaders


_____________________________

I have believed the best of every man. And find that to believe is enough to make a bad man show him at his best, or even a good man swings his lantern higher.- yeats

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Profile   Post #: 15
RE: switch, fake, or confused? - 8/17/2009 3:46:31 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: poeticfreak
excellent advice, sometimes we forget that people aren't mindreaders


*stares at you hypnotically*
I knew you were going to say that.


< Message edited by leadership527 -- 8/17/2009 3:54:23 PM >

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to poeticfreak)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: switch, fake, or confused? - 8/17/2009 3:53:18 PM   
poeticfreak


Posts: 80
Joined: 6/1/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: poeticfreak
excellent advice, sometimes we forget that people aren't mindreaders


I knew you were going to say that.



i knew that you knew i was going to say it


_____________________________

I have believed the best of every man. And find that to believe is enough to make a bad man show him at his best, or even a good man swings his lantern higher.- yeats

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: switch, fake, or confused? - 8/17/2009 4:20:46 PM   
Przm


Posts: 5
Joined: 11/27/2008
Status: offline 		oh You are so real my friend, and i can definitely relate, as i was much in the same confused state as you when i was so young. However, you are already one step ahead of where i was back then. You are questioning and looking and trying to see.  I did not do that until much later in my life, which caused quite a bit of hurt in my past.

I applaud you for your courage and honesty and could really add nothing to what all these fine people have stated, except to say keep that courage and honesty. Be true to yourself and forget the lables.

(in reply to poeticfreak)
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RE: switch, fake, or confused? - 8/17/2009 5:53:49 PM   
jasonslv


Posts: 14
Joined: 7/3/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

No offense here, hon, but you're 23.  You've got your whole life to figure out what those labels mean and how they apply to you.  Why not take the time to understand who you are, what you want, and who you want it with?


none taken :) that's what im here doing

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: switch, fake, or confused? - 8/17/2009 5:57:41 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		For now, you're interested in bottoming, in bedroom submission, in exploring. Don't let anyone else pigeonhole you. You are as real as the rest of us.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to jasonslv)
Profile   Post #: 20
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