Is it Wrong? (Full Version)

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SassySarijane -> Is it Wrong? (7/31/2009 10:13:13 AM)

I know this one is likely to get all kinds of different responses, but I'm asking it anyway.

Do you think it’s wrong, bad or evil to not care, not be upset or sad, at the thought of someone you used to love and be intimate with dying?



SteelofUtah -> RE: Is it Wrong? (7/31/2009 10:16:41 AM)

Death is a natural effect of life.

I tend not to get emotional over anyones death, regardless of if I have had sex with them or not.

Steel



SassySarijane -> RE: Is it Wrong? (7/31/2009 10:21:05 AM)

I will get emotional, be very sad, hurt, grieve over losing those close to me. I empathize and sympathize with friends who lose someone and are hurting and grieving, but this, I'm just not able to feel upset or sad at the thought of them dying. If I feel anything, I feel some guilt for essentially not caring that they could die at any time.



sirsholly -> RE: Is it Wrong? (7/31/2009 10:24:06 AM)

as long as you see them clearly, i have a great deal of difficulty saying emotions, or lack thereof, are wrong



SirLost -> RE: Is it Wrong? (7/31/2009 10:30:16 AM)

What I have understood is; anyone that you used to love hasn't died yet. You are talking about how you would feel when it happens, instead of its having happened. If that's the case, I believe one can never exactly know in advance how they would feel or act at such an extreme condition.

And I don't think it is evil or wrong at all not feeling sadness at that situation. Even for the ones you currently love, it can just mean you are able to accept this event.



ThatDamnedPanda -> RE: Is it Wrong? (7/31/2009 10:38:14 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SassySarijane

I know this one is likely to get all kinds of different responses, but I'm asking it anyway.

Do you think it’s wrong, bad or evil to not care, not be upset or sad, at the thought of someone you used to love and be intimate with dying?



Absolutely not. You can't help the way you feel.

Put it this way - if there were someone who loved you, but you were simply unable to love them back, would you feel it was wrong, bad, or evil of you? I'm sure you wouldn't, because you would recognize that there's just no way you can make yourself love somebody. That's not much different than this. If the feeling ain't there, it just ain't there.

Go easy on yourself; the day may come - months or years down the road - where you may very well find yourself feeling sad over their death. If and when it does, be open to it and let yourself experience it; but at no time - either now or then - should you ever feel the least bit guilty about not being able to feel sadness right now.



popeye1250 -> RE: Is it Wrong? (7/31/2009 10:42:48 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: SassySarijane

I will get emotional, be very sad, hurt, grieve over losing those close to me. I empathize and sympathize with friends who lose someone and are hurting and grieving, but this, I'm just not able to feel upset or sad at the thought of them dying. If I feel anything, I feel some guilt for essentially not caring that they could die at any time.



Do you feel "guilt" over slavery in he U.S. hundreds of years ago?
How about when the Lobbyists on "K" street in Washington run some "starving children" ads to get more taxpyer dollars because thy want bigger yachts and upgrades from Cadillacs to Mercedes Benzes?
You know, you can't feel "guilty" about things that are *out of your control.*



hlen5 -> RE: Is it Wrong? (7/31/2009 11:17:57 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ThatDamnedPanda

quote:

ORIGINAL: SassySarijane

I know this one is likely to get all kinds of different responses, but I'm asking it anyway.

Do you think it’s wrong, bad or evil to not care, not be upset or sad, at the thought of someone you used to love and be intimate with dying?



Absolutely not. You can't help the way you feel.

Put it this way - if there were someone who loved you, but you were simply unable to love them back, would you feel it was wrong, bad, or evil of you? I'm sure you wouldn't, because you would recognize that there's just no way you can make yourself love somebody. That's not much different than this. If the feeling ain't there, it just ain't there.

Go easy on yourself; the day may come - months or years down the road - where you may very well find yourself feeling sad over their death. If and when it does, be open to it and let yourself experience it; but at no time - either now or then - should you ever feel the least bit guilty about not being able to feel sadness right now.


Well spoken, Panda!! 



SassySarijane -> RE: Is it Wrong? (7/31/2009 12:38:10 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirLost

You are talking about how you would feel when it happens, instead of its having happened. If that's the case, I believe one can never exactly know in advance how they would feel or act at such an extreme condition.






I don't know how I will feel or not feel when it happens and I'm not meaning it as that. I am talking about now, about how I am reacting to the knowledge that this person could die at any time, not about how I may or may not feel when they do die.



SassySarijane -> RE: Is it Wrong? (7/31/2009 12:45:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ThatDamnedPanda

quote:

ORIGINAL: SassySarijane

I know this one is likely to get all kinds of different responses, but I'm asking it anyway.

Do you think it’s wrong, bad or evil to not care, not be upset or sad, at the thought of someone you used to love and be intimate with dying?



Absolutely not. You can't help the way you feel.

Put it this way - if there were someone who loved you, but you were simply unable to love them back, would you feel it was wrong, bad, or evil of you? I'm sure you wouldn't, because you would recognize that there's just no way you can make yourself love somebody. That's not much different than this. If the feeling ain't there, it just ain't there.

Go easy on yourself; the day may come - months or years down the road - where you may very well find yourself feeling sad over their death. If and when it does, be open to it and let yourself experience it; but at no time - either now or then - should you ever feel the least bit guilty about not being able to feel sadness right now.




Panda, thank you.

No I wouldn't feel it was wrong or bad or evil if I didn't love someone back who loved me, though I might feel some guilt because I couldn't if they were a good and decent person I just couldn't connect with.

I think my problem is I feel like I should be sad knowing this person is in bad shape and could die any time and I'm just not. I don't care. We have kids together, were together for a number of years, and there are some good memories here and there from those times.



SassySarijane -> RE: Is it Wrong? (7/31/2009 12:50:34 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: popeye1250


Do you feel "guilt" over slavery in he U.S. hundreds of years ago?
How about when the Lobbyists on "K" street in Washington run some "starving children" ads to get more taxpyer dollars because thy want bigger yachts and upgrades from Cadillacs to Mercedes Benzes?
You know, you can't feel "guilty" about things that are *out of your control.*



Thanks, popeye for bringing another perspective to it.

No I don't feel guilt over any of those things at all. I did not personally have anything to do with them. There is a history and connection through offspring with this person and I guess that's why I do feel guilty for not caring.



ThatDamnedPanda -> RE: Is it Wrong? (7/31/2009 1:17:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SassySarijane

Panda, thank you.

No I wouldn't feel it was wrong or bad or evil if I didn't love someone back who loved me, though I might feel some guilt because I couldn't if they were a good and decent person I just couldn't connect with.


It almost sounds like maybe the same kind of guilt you might be feeling now, then, perhaps? Maybe this is a stretch, but it sounds as though in both cases, you think you ought to be able to feel a certain  way, and wish you could feel that way, but just can't find a way to feel it. Which would be typical of a good, caring person who wants to relate to others in a responsible and honorable manner. But you're really doing all you can, and more than a lot of people would. Think how many people wouldn't even be asking themselves the question in the first place. I hope that somewhere in the middle of all this you're able to see that, and give yourself at least some small measure of credit for it. Because it really does speak well of you, you know.


quote:

ORIGINAL: SassySarijane
I think my problem is I feel like I should be sad knowing this person is in bad shape and could die any time and I'm just not. I don't care. We have kids together, were together for a number of years, and there are some good memories here and there from those times.



I get what you're saying. It's a tremendous internal conflict. On an intellectual level, you think you're supposed to feel something, but on a feeling level, you just can't find it. Because it just isn't there. But because you think you're supposed to be feeling it, you wonder if there's something wrong with you for not feeling what you think a normal person should feel. It just goes to show that logic and emotion can be friends, and talk to each other on the phone all the time, and help each other out whenever they need someone to talk to, but could never be married. On a fundamental level, they just... don't... mix.

Keep in mind also that just because you're not feeling any sadness now, it could just be that your heart isn't quite ready for it this year. Feelings are dynamic, always evolving and growing into something different. Maybe next year, or the year  after, or 5 years down the  road, something will soften and shift around a bit in there, and you'll start to feel some of that sadness you're looking for now. If it does, then that's when you'll feel it, and that's when you'll have your opportunity to get the kind of closure that often comes only with grief. When it comes doesn't really matter, not as much as it seems like it does right now. The important thing is, it sounds like you're being honest about your feelings, honest about your memories, and being as fair to the man and your memories as you can be. That, plus being there for the children as they deal with this, is really all you can do. And it really is quite a lot, you know.

Good luck to you and everyone else who's working through this situation at the moment. Oh - and you're more than welcome. Hang in there; there'll be brighter days on the other side of this door.



Starbuck09 -> RE: Is it Wrong? (7/31/2009 2:02:10 PM)

If you used to love them sarijane then presumably by implication you do not have feeelings for them now? In that case I would not expect you to feel particuarly strong emotions. Also as has been pointed out it is very difficult to gauge one's true reaction to death. The fact that you do not feel sad now is unsurprising regardless of whether you love this person or not. The thought of someone I love dying does not fill me with much emotion because it is not happening. If however they were to die then I would be very deeply hurt and heartbroken.



Level -> RE: Is it Wrong? (7/31/2009 7:32:09 PM)

If something happened to cause you to feel "cold" to them, for lack of a better term, then no, it isn't unusual to not feel sad about them possibly dying. Now, if you're cheering the event on, then we need to talk further......[:D]



stella41b -> RE: Is it Wrong? (7/31/2009 7:55:06 PM)

Death is in itself so unpredictable and bereavement so individual for each of us has our own significance to others that I don't think there is a wrong and right. There is only what actually happens at the time.



Musicmystery -> RE: Is it Wrong? (7/31/2009 10:16:27 PM)

That time of year thou mayest in me behold
When yellow leaves, or none, or few, do hang
Upon those boughs which shake against the cold,
bare ruin'd choirs, where late the sweet birds sang.
In me thou see'st the twilight of such day
As after sunset fadeth in the west,
Which by and by black night doth take away,
Death's second self, that seals up all in rest.
In me thou see'st the glowing of such fire,
That on the ashes of his youth doth lie,
As the death-bed whereon it must expire
Consum'd with that which it was nourish'd by.
This thou perceiv'st, which makes thy love more strong,
To love that well which thou must leave ere long.

--Billy S.



Missokyst -> RE: Is it Wrong? (7/31/2009 10:46:57 PM)

I dont do guilt when it come to death and dying.  It is a natural process we all reach.  If anything I feel happy if they do not suffer long.



aphotic -> RE: Is it Wrong? (7/31/2009 11:00:10 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: SassySarijane

I will get emotional, be very sad, hurt, grieve over losing those close to me. I empathize and sympathize with friends who lose someone and are hurting and grieving, but this, I'm just not able to feel upset or sad at the thought of them dying. If I feel anything, I feel some guilt for essentially not caring that they could die at any time.


You know, with lovers at least, it really depends on how it ends I suppose. I think you're looking at this very rationally, and deciding how you feel on a case by case basis. If someone really wounds you on the way out, then apathetic observations of their life (or death) seem very understandable. Antipathy, whether temporary or not, is a foregone conclusion in cases of cheating, lying, or abuse.

Could you get over it and forgive these people for everything? Yeah, you could. But if it's simply "not feeling" or indifference, no harm no foul. You're just in purgatory with them essentially, and it's a healthy place to be after a relationship's nucleus collapses.

Personally, I got cheated on and my ex did die. Forgiven? Yeah. I still have great dreams of lobbing the guy's head -- for whom she cheated on me -- right off. Serenity now. Insanity later :p



FangsNfeet -> RE: Is it Wrong? (8/1/2009 4:20:13 AM)

"Someone I use to love and be intimate with."

Use to hits the head on the door nail. The majority of those people are already dead to me as I moved on with my life. It sounds like you already moved on. How can you be sadden by this news for someone you never cared to see again?

These inner demons or skeletons in the closet have been laid to rest. There's nothing wrong with keeping it that way.



DesFIP -> RE: Is it Wrong? (8/1/2009 8:53:18 AM)

No.

I'm in my mid 50s. If it was someone I knew 30 or more years ago, and haven't seen since, then whatever emotion I once had for them has long since faded. You are emotionally affected in direct relationship to how much you care about them now. You will care more for someone you had a relationship with until last year then someone you haven't had a relationship with in 20 years.



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