ThatDamnedPanda
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Joined: 1/26/2009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SassySarijane
Panda, thank you.
No I wouldn't feel it was wrong or bad or evil if I didn't love someone back who loved me, though I might feel some guilt because I couldn't if they were a good and decent person I just couldn't connect with.
It almost sounds like maybe the same kind of guilt you might be feeling now, then, perhaps? Maybe this is a stretch, but it sounds as though in both cases, you think you ought to be able to feel a certain way, and wish you could feel that way, but just can't find a way to feel it. Which would be typical of a good, caring person who wants to relate to others in a responsible and honorable manner. But you're really doing all you can, and more than a lot of people would. Think how many people wouldn't even be asking themselves the question in the first place. I hope that somewhere in the middle of all this you're able to see that, and give yourself at least some small measure of credit for it. Because it really does speak well of you, you know.
quote:
ORIGINAL: SassySarijane
I think my problem is I feel like I should be sad knowing this person is in bad shape and could die any time and I'm just not. I don't care. We have kids together, were together for a number of years, and there are some good memories here and there from those times.
I get what you're saying. It's a tremendous internal conflict. On an intellectual level, you think you're supposed to feel something, but on a feeling level, you just can't find it. Because it just isn't there. But because you think you're supposed to be feeling it, you wonder if there's something wrong with you for not feeling what you think a normal person should feel. It just goes to show that logic and emotion can be friends, and talk to each other on the phone all the time, and help each other out whenever they need someone to talk to, but could never be married. On a fundamental level, they just... don't... mix.
Keep in mind also that just because you're not feeling any sadness now, it could just be that your heart isn't quite ready for it this year. Feelings are dynamic, always evolving and growing into something different. Maybe next year, or the year after, or 5 years down the road, something will soften and shift around a bit in there, and you'll start to feel some of that sadness you're looking for now. If it does, then that's when you'll feel it, and that's when you'll have your opportunity to get the kind of closure that often comes only with grief. When it comes doesn't really matter, not as much as it seems like it does right now. The important thing is, it sounds like you're being honest about your feelings, honest about your memories, and being as fair to the man and your memories as you can be. That, plus being there for the children as they deal with this, is really all you can do. And it really is quite a lot, you know.
Good luck to you and everyone else who's working through this situation at the moment. Oh - and you're more than welcome. Hang in there; there'll be brighter days on the other side of this door.
_____________________________
Panda, panda, burning bright
In the forest of the night
What immortal hand or eye
Made you all black and white and roly-poly like that?
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