|
leadership527 -> RE: Taking over as her Dom (7/31/2009 12:57:43 PM)
|
OK, rewrite #5... I thought of this version too late to edit the above. I thought I'd try t specifically answer your question... "Is there a better way than limits?" I think the answer is yes and I call it "teamwork and discussion"
Let's start out with the fact that Carol and I have never had a contract or any specific discussion about limits and boundaries. In general, it is my opinion that having long discussions about all the ways in which two people can fail to please each other is counter-productive to any relationship type... vanilla, D/s, or other. The sole nature of our unwritten contract is, "She obeys me absolutely until she chooses not to at which point she is permanently not my slave anymore. In return, I agreed to be me."
As a secondary point, let's remember that a "limit" is just the verbalized expression of some sort of inner trouble... insufficient trust, insufficient respect, childhood trauma, personal preferences, yada yada. Nobody "sets" them, they are just there. The only question really is who's doing the care and feeding thereof. For Carol and I, they are mine to manage. But that is a far cry from saying they don't exist. Especially in the beginning and even after a full decade of being happily married, there were LOTS of places where she had insufficient trust and/or respect to just obey.
Now, to answer your specific question, when these issues have come up in our M/s relationship, they've been addressed in two differrent ways. Early in our relationship I was still required to earn trust and respect. The box on the org chart is worth the paper it's printed on. So they went down like this...
Me: How about you give me your addiction.
Her: OMG That's scary!
Me: OK, how about for just 2 months then we can re-evaluate?
Her: Let me think about it.
Me: OK
Her: (later on) OK, let's give it a go.
There was about a year of this sort of thing... maybe 9 months. But, at some point I had actually earned my box on the org chart. Then the discussions went more like this...
Me: You know that if you are mine, then so is your art.
Her: <deer in headlights look>
Me: OK mine. Name your fear. What exactly is it that you think ME, the guy who loves you, is going to do that is awful?
Her: <ponders for a moment> Nothing I guess.
problem solved. That is the "more productive" way (at least to us) that we deal with this thing called "limits". It's not very master/slavey. At no point do I use the word "bitch" in a sentence *chuckles*. But it gets the job done for us.
In general, I've told Carol to respond to my command in such situations in the following format:
"Yes Master, but there are these things you ought to know..."
in this way, she is right away indicating that she has no intention of abdicating her role as my slave -- obedience is unquestioned Yet at the same time she is alerting me to the fact that there's a pothole in the road ahead of US and as the designated driver, I need to be aware of it.
In my opinion, there ain't no such thing as easy money and leadership positions are something you earn, not something that is given to you -- even in the military. Sure, upper command can give you the slot on the org chart, but only fools think that that is enough to actually "lead someone through the gates of hell".
Whether all of this is "TPE" or not is up to the reader. But the facts on the ground are that now, at the 2 year mark, if I ask Carol to do something, she does it. She does it whether or not it's scary. Neither of us has any conception that there is someplace that might be "out of bounds." Neither of us has any interest in finding that place even assuming it existed. When I asked her about doing karoake she just about died right there in front of me but her response was, "Well, I guess I wouldn't have any choice if you told me to do it..." Given that we all know that she DOES have a choice, I think that statement speaks for itself.
oh yeah, and everything that janiebelle said above me.
PS: I still think my first post on this thread is the most accurate... you seem to be doing just fine.
|
|
|
|
